Jump to content

Have BSs considered that...


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted
... their love for their WS is triggered by DDay and really in their actions and hearts it wasn't there before?

 

My BH has.

 

Is this kind of 'loss love' something to base a future on? Is it real? Is it an awakening or just possessiveness?

 

Is it the same as falling in love again?

 

I am wondering because I thought love was generous, and thinking your loved one loved another meant you should 'set them free'.

 

But many BSs think that the new love is a delusion.

 

Is it you they love, or is it fear of change motivating them?

 

If they could go many years without loving you apart from kind of being around and having sex, why does the fear of loss make them want you so bad? Is this a good thing;

 

a) if we want love to be the most important value?

 

b) if we think M and commitment is?

 

WW...I happen to agree with a lot of what you've said here for some instances. Mine was one as the BS and it continues to be one as the OW.

 

When I started getting the gut feeling WH was cheating I fell back in love with him and my mind went over and over the things I'd done wrong to leave the marriage vulnerable. I never stopped loving him...I'd taken it for granted and let the problems become bigger than the marriage. When I realized it was probably close to the end it was like a fresh slap of reality what I was about to lose. I did...at my own hand, but I lost it. I have to say I loved him more the day I told him to go and it was over than I did for a few years before that.

 

My MM W had become his best friend over the 30 some years of their marriage...he has never said an ill word about her...he told me that on DDay 1 she said much the same thing.

 

I disagree with the poster who said people who stay with cheaters have no self respect...everyone has reasons for what they do. We are not in their lives or their heads...we don't understand the pain and rewards and values. There is no way we can say that what is right for us is right for everyone. I didn't stay with my exH because my father was a serial cheater and I saw my mother suffer with it...it wasn't going to happen to me and when push came to shove I held true to those feelings. Listening to BS here I realize I may have had options I wasn't aware of then, but I would have never been able to trust him so it was a nonissue for me. I'm very different to the BS here, but it doesn't mean I feel they have no self respect...I actually feel they're stronger than I was.

Posted
I don't know how OW/OM think most D Days go down, I have never been one, but I imagine they are in pain, as the BS's are if the MP leaves to be with the one they love. D Day in my house saw me asking H if he loved MW and that if he did, then he should leave - I would and could not ever knowingly share my H, or my relationship with another person. I want the person whom I choose to share my life with to love me and be with me exclusively. Had he wanted OW, I would have been unspeakably hurt, but understood. To see my H after D Day and beyond and the remorse he has shown for his actions, hurts me beyond belief. if I thought, even for a nano second it was because he was pining for 'true love' then I would rather he left. This is not so.

 

I understand the reasons our M was going through a rocky patch, we both do. I don't understand him choosing to try and fill the void with OW, and neither does he. I would rather he had chosen to have an A OW for love, I get and understand love (it's why I don't hold ill feelings for OW), I don't get or understand hurting another, deceit or betraying our marriage. It's why I get people like Jennie (sorry jennie) because she loves the MM, I don't get him or his stance, but it's not my fight.

 

I didn't need his money (I earn more substantially more than H), our child is grown, I don't need my H to validate me as a human being, I don't gave a toss what other people think/thought, I just want to be happy with the man I love, and I am. I most, absolutely am not weak, neither are people who choose to work through what is possibly the most fundemental betrayal of trust and love that another can inflict upon another person. I did this because I never left our M, I never chose to fix our problems by running into someone else and leaving all the crap at home. These are my experiences and of course all M's are different, all A's are different.

 

I don't think OW/OM consider that usually D Days just aren't about them, true they are about the A's, but have more to do with the truth finally being out and both MP and BS finally being honest, looking at what went wrong and either agreeing it is not salvageble or that what was sought had been there all along and the realisation it could be lost the kick up the arse that the MP and to some extents the BS needed to break out of the destructive treadmill that a lot of M's go through and work on it - together. For MP that are in love with OP, then they leave. Choosing to work on the M, is a time for establishing boundaries, making new ones, fixing what went wrong, rediscovering each other with the blinkers off, lots and lots of making up, screaming, shouting, making up, clinging like limpets to each other - not for fear they will leave, but to reassure each other that it is OK to cling.

 

It is rarely said that when MP leave M's for A's that they are weak, rather they are coming through with promises made to the OP, same goes for R after D day (acronym heaven this post). I feel for the pain people go through on D Day and the seeking of answers to why not me? But it is futile, the fault, if any does not lie with them, it is with the person who chose to fix problems with a lie.

Just MHO, but MY reality.

 

Excellent post. I was a WH a few years ago and went through a pretty dramatic D-Day. Up to that day, I was convinced I loved the OW and was trying to find the best way to leave my M to go to her.

 

I was living the marriage in misery, and apparently so was my W. I found out later, according to her, she didn't love me anymore. That at least explained why we never had sex and why she always seelmed so angry with me.

 

Minutes after D-Day (the OW came the house to confront W), my veiwpoint took a surprising 180° turn. I no longer wanted anything to do with the OW and wanted to save the M. My W also decided she didn't want to lose the marriage and after lots of anger for what I did, moved to become a more loving wife and I a better husband.

 

I read once that suicide attempt survivors, especially those who jump from buildings and such, seem to change their minds as they fall as they contemplate the reality of their decision.

 

I'm not proud of anything I did, but I do think that somehow the A did force issues to be brought to light that we were both sweeping under the carpet for years.

Posted
When I married the prime directives in me were; I loved him, I didn't want to hurt him, I wanted kids.

 

But the latter two were the stronger instincts.

 

When I searched for love poems for the ceremony I couldn't find a single one that didn't ring false.

 

But I had already agreed to marry him at this point, and saw it as a quirk of our relationship.

 

I now see it as a reflection of the love being non-romantic. It was appreciative, compassionate etc. (We had been together 8 years by then already).

 

A friend recently told me her 8 year old daughter was asking about the morality about promises. This mother told her daughter that yes, you should keep your promises. And we all agree I'm sure.

 

But there is the special case when we shouldn't have made the promise in the first place. Like if I promise to kill someone. It's a promise I may later rescind without feeling too bad, except that I made a bad promise. Certainly I should not keep that covenant.

 

So if staying married to someone means your own emotional death, it really isn't clear how you should behave.

 

But it is clear that some promises shouldn't be kept. You have to evaluate the value of the promise, very fully.

 

Confused. So, if X number of years down the road, you now have a revelation that your promise should never have been made, it's now OK to dismiss that?

 

Not IMO.

Posted

Sometimes we will not change until we are brought to the edge and sometimes people choose to stay because they do not want to be pressured into something.

 

A DDay brings that pressure and a chance to make a big decision/change because no doubt something would have to change but it is a forced decision, a pressured decision.

 

I feel sad that it took that for my H to change when he had a clear view that things were not right. He started to tell me he loved me after it was too late as when it is too late, it just does not seem sincere. Sadly I did not believe he knew what love was.

 

So WW, yes it can trigger a desperate attempt to hang on to what you have by BS, but it may or may not be real.

Posted
... their love for their WS is triggered by DDay and really in their actions and hearts it wasn't there before?

 

My BH has.

 

Is this kind of 'loss love' something to base a future on? Is it real? Is it an awakening or just possessiveness?

 

Is it the same as falling in love again?

 

I am wondering because I thought love was generous, and thinking your loved one loved another meant you should 'set them free'.

 

But many BSs think that the new love is a delusion.

 

Is it you they love, or is it fear of change motivating them?

 

If they could go many years without loving you apart from kind of being around and having sex, why does the fear of loss make them want you so bad? Is this a good thing;

 

a) if we want love to be the most important value?

 

b) if we think M and commitment is?

 

You know, it took me a long time and much IC to realize one aspect of my WW's A. For me, it was a wake up call. Our M was on cruise control for a long time, with both of us taking each other for granted, and both losing focus on our first responsibilty as H and W; loving each other.

 

Yeah, I was fearful of losing my W and our M, but I knew I would get over it. Yeah I wanted my W back more than anything else, but I wanted her to come back because she wanted to, not out of obligation. I was willing to put forth the effort, and suffer through the humiliation and pain of what she did, not out of fear of loss or change, but because I really loved her more than anything else on this planet. Her A didn't change that.

 

I look upon all this as a learning experience for myself. You did X, and it resulted in Z. Well, maybe I need not do X anymore and I won't have any more Z's. Not only in this M, but in any future relationships if my W decided not to stay.

 

So far, so good.

Posted

Well, I am a BS and I did set him free to follow his heart's desire. I loved him that much, always have, even while healing from the devastation of his betrayal.

 

Are you now questioning the "whys" of your marriage?

 

Did you marry for love? Or the promise of a good man and a happy family? Or, you'd been together so long it was just time to do so? Or in the course of complacenttly dating each other, never examined if there was enough love and passion to sustain the long haul?

 

Did YOU settle for "good enough?"

 

Only you can answer those questions.

 

SOME BS and WS, do have a knee-jerk reaction to preserve the status quo after DDAY. Their world has been turned upside down and they will do anything to return to what they perceived was "our secure family life."

 

I predict most will not successfully reconcile, or reconcile a marital relationship that was not all that passionate to begin with; more like a traditional functioning partnership. Good enough.

 

I loved my fWS. I could never sustain "good enough" after his affair for love money, family.

 

It was just never what our relationship was about.

Posted

WW, have you examined what need was met by your MM, what emotional void he filled that your husband does not, or has not?

 

The whys of why he made you feel so good and so special?

 

Have you been to IC?

 

Because before you throw in the towel on your marriage to a man who seems to be willing to forgive you, shouldn't you examine this in depth?

Posted (edited)

WW,

 

you are the one had multiple affairs through out your M....now you are questioning about whether your H's love is true or not.....any ways when have you concentrated on your M to know about your H's love....and your H only knows about one of your multiple affairs...let him know about other ones then obviously he is going to set you free, i guess....i heard people have affairs while they are in the M...but you are having a glimpse of M while you are in your happy As....

 

 

why not you set him free ....logically speaking ,you do not seem to be having any problems in get your affairs going so far...so actually it's your H reliving, STD,HIV check....and many more

Edited by U2RockZz
Posted
When I married the prime directives in me were; I loved him, I didn't want to hurt him, I wanted kids.

 

But the latter two were the stronger instincts.

 

When I searched for love poems for the ceremony I couldn't find a single one that didn't ring false.

 

But I had already agreed to marry him at this point, and saw it as a quirk of our relationship.

 

I now see it as a reflection of the love being non-romantic. It was appreciative, compassionate etc. (We had been together 8 years by then already).

 

A friend recently told me her 8 year old daughter was asking about the morality about promises. This mother told her daughter that yes, you should keep your promises. And we all agree I'm sure.

 

But there is the special case when we shouldn't have made the promise in the first place. Like if I promise to kill someone. It's a promise I may later rescind without feeling too bad, except that I made a bad promise. Certainly I should not keep that covenant.

 

So if staying married to someone means your own emotional death, it really isn't clear how you should behave.

 

But it is clear that some promises shouldn't be kept. You have to evaluate the value of the promise, very fully.

 

i completely agree with you a promise is not to be kept if it is a bad promise .

I think the worst thing you can do to your partner is stay with him as an act of pity or generousity & feel yourself as emotionally dead .

 

But it is unfair to expect the BS to be the one to take the blame of finally ending the marriage .

 

Best of luck

Posted
i completely agree with you a promise is not to be kept if it is a bad promise .

I think the worst thing you can do to your partner is stay with him as an act of pity or generousity & feel yourself as emotionally dead .

 

But it is unfair to expect the BS to be the one to take the blame of finally ending the marriage .

 

Best of luck

 

 

But it is clear that some promises shouldn't be kept. You have to evaluate the value of the promise, very fully.

 

What I get from this is, that maybe your husband shouldn't still be honoring his marriage vows (promises) with you. Why should he? You've already had fun, sex and orgasms outside of the marriage several times at your husbands expense, so what does he get out of all of this betrayal? Misery and pain along with the possibility of STD's and AIDS! Perhaps he should Divorce you and find someone else better that will love him and respect him for who he is! Let your husband GO!

  • Author
Posted
WW,

 

you are the one had multiple affairs through out your M....now you are questioning about whether your H's love is true or not.....any ways when have you concentrated on your M to know about your H's love....and your H only knows about one of your multiple affairs...let him know about other ones then obviously he is going to set you free, i guess....i heard people have affairs while they are in the M...but you are having a glimpse of M while you are in your happy As....

 

 

This is not true. I was faithful in my M until my recent A. During our time before M, we both had indiscretions.

 

The story of before M is more complex. But no, I did not do what you said. This post = bad-mouthing and lies. Not just distortion.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for all the personal stories here which show the delicate nature of the issue.

 

I have understood that the loss love can be a realisation, a kick up the a**, or just a slightly fearful reaction.

 

Most people here have shown it involved courage more often than cowardice.

 

Spark, you are a gem, as are you CCL.

 

I understand the many posters who are concerned about my H. I share these concerns. But it also seems to be the case that he hasn't just remembered he loves me in the light of the A, but that he didn't love me fully before it. He wants to now. This makes me wonder if we can give it another shot - things will be different? He has started to look at me in that way you are looked at when loved - perhaps what I was looking for in the A.

 

I have a lot of respect for my H now. He has transformed in terms of emotional maturity and respect for me. Perhaps I can transform too.

 

All our discussions over the last year have been a kind of MC.

 

I haven't said I feel emotionally dead in the M. That bit was hypothetical. I did before the A for some time. H contributed to that, and I reacted unwisely. Confusedly. I was frankly terrified, and bereft during this time. Until xMM made me feel better, made me feel that if love could be like this, then it was clear why I was so unhappy in my M.

 

I have been too blown away by hurt from xMM and love for him to even examine this until recently.

 

I am afraid of hurting H more, and he knows this is why we need to take things slowly. The dust is still settling for us both after recent events.

 

We had a lovely family day today. I still think about xMOM, but no longer as a future possibility.

 

My H and I care about each other, are good friends, and sex is fine.

 

Sometimes I feel I am finally learning to recognise xMOM in an 'it was what it was' sort of way, rather than struggling with the idea he and I were meant to be.

 

H is pretty happy at the moment. He sees the changes in me - the way I smile at him etc. I know he is a good man. I think I love him.

 

I worry we'll be back to square one in a few years. But I think there is enough of a basis here to begin to take that risk.

 

I have been very interested in threads about the nature of love, because in that lies the answer to this issue. I am learning the answers by living through it.

Posted

This is one of those posts that, at first reading, incite anger. At least for me, as a former BS. The talk of sudden 'lost feelings' and (ugh) 'needs' being met smack of cruelty and selfishness. But, that's mostly because they are true.

 

I did feel this way. I did suddenly realize what I had to lose, and didn't want to. I suddenly thought of a million things I could have, and should have done for my wife that I didn't. The knife twist is she didn't want them...at least, from me. She (although she didn't want to admit it) was in love with someone else. She said 'you're not being replaced' but yet I was; in one very important and critical way. In a very basic and primal way.

 

But I'll remind all here that life isn't all romance and fire. This is not to say working on those things isn't important -it is- but admit it; how much is really expected? Factor in a home, kids, jobs and interests. My wife didn't demand constant romance; she wanted me to be a father, a mechanic, a cook, a masseuse, a doctor, a plumber, a carpenter, a financial advisor...

 

...she was swept away with new/old feelings when she met him, encouraged by a certain element of family and friends that -for whatever reason- thought she would find happiness by turning her back on the life she established with me...with us. I can say us because she didn't only leave me, but her family. She sees our two teens from time to time, but...

 

All ancient history now. We're divorced two years ago and I've moved on. I saw her at her best and loved her, saw her at her worst and loved her still. She saw me at my best and loved me, saw me at my worst and wanted out. Is she happy? I honestly don't know. She does not look happy, but perhaps that is how I perceive it. This I do know; if a relationship extends past romance, monkey sex and the initial thrill ride you're going to experience someone stinking up the bathroom, taking out the trash and being grumpy when sick. You'll see them at their lowest. and they'll see you there too. Love -real love- exists when that person is still there when the smoke clears. How wise is it to kick that to the curb?

 

I guess it all depends on your definition of love. Those who think love is a feeling, an emotion, will search 'till they die. Those who realize it's a decision will understand better, and ultimately (IMHO) find balance.

Posted
My H and I care about each other, are good friends, and sex is fine... I know he is a good man. I think I love him.

 

And that IMHO is the most anyone can expect out of a lifelong partnership with another human being. Heart-fluttering romance by its very nature is fleeting and cannot last; it's too ethereal, not based on solid ground.

 

I have been very interested in threads about the nature of love, because in that lies the answer to this issue. I am learning the answers by living through it.

 

Hey, aren't we all.:o

Posted
This is one of those posts that, at first reading, incite anger. At least for me, as a former BS. The talk of sudden 'lost feelings' and (ugh) 'needs' being met smack of cruelty and selfishness. But, that's mostly because they are true.

 

I did feel this way. I did suddenly realize what I had to lose, and didn't want to. I suddenly thought of a million things I could have, and should have done for my wife that I didn't. The knife twist is she didn't want them...at least, from me. She (although she didn't want to admit it) was in love with someone else. She said 'you're not being replaced' but yet I was; in one very important and critical way. In a very basic and primal way.

 

But I'll remind all here that life isn't all romance and fire. This is not to say working on those things isn't important -it is- but admit it; how much is really expected? Factor in a home, kids, jobs and interests. My wife didn't demand constant romance; she wanted me to be a father, a mechanic, a cook, a masseuse, a doctor, a plumber, a carpenter, a financial advisor...

 

...she was swept away with new/old feelings when she met him, encouraged by a certain element of family and friends that -for whatever reason- thought she would find happiness by turning her back on the life she established with me...with us. I can say us because she didn't only leave me, but her family. She sees our two teens from time to time, but...

 

All ancient history now. We're divorced two years ago and I've moved on. I saw her at her best and loved her, saw her at her worst and loved her still. She saw me at my best and loved me, saw me at my worst and wanted out. Is she happy? I honestly don't know. She does not look happy, but perhaps that is how I perceive it. This I do know; if a relationship extends past romance, monkey sex and the initial thrill ride you're going to experience someone stinking up the bathroom, taking out the trash and being grumpy when sick. You'll see them at their lowest. and they'll see you there too. Love -real love- exists when that person is still there when the smoke clears. How wise is it to kick that to the curb?

 

I guess it all depends on your definition of love. Those who think love is a feeling, an emotion, will search 'till they die. Those who realize it's a decision will understand better, and ultimately (IMHO) find balance.

 

This is one of the best posts I've ever read, and my very favorite line is the one I highlighted. Thank-you, Steadfast for bringing in reality. :)

Posted
This is one of those posts that, at first reading, incite anger. At least for me, as a former BS. The talk of sudden 'lost feelings' and (ugh) 'needs' being met smack of cruelty and selfishness. But, that's mostly because they are true.

 

I did feel this way. I did suddenly realize what I had to lose, and didn't want to. I suddenly thought of a million things I could have, and should have done for my wife that I didn't. The knife twist is she didn't want them...at least, from me. She (although she didn't want to admit it) was in love with someone else. She said 'you're not being replaced' but yet I was; in one very important and critical way. In a very basic and primal way.

 

But I'll remind all here that life isn't all romance and fire. This is not to say working on those things isn't important -it is- but admit it; how much is really expected? Factor in a home, kids, jobs and interests. My wife didn't demand constant romance; she wanted me to be a father, a mechanic, a cook, a masseuse, a doctor, a plumber, a carpenter, a financial advisor...

 

...she was swept away with new/old feelings when she met him, encouraged by a certain element of family and friends that -for whatever reason- thought she would find happiness by turning her back on the life she established with me...with us. I can say us because she didn't only leave me, but her family. She sees our two teens from time to time, but...

 

All ancient history now. We're divorced two years ago and I've moved on. I saw her at her best and loved her, saw her at her worst and loved her still. She saw me at my best and loved me, saw me at my worst and wanted out. Is she happy? I honestly don't know. She does not look happy, but perhaps that is how I perceive it. This I do know; if a relationship extends past romance, monkey sex and the initial thrill ride you're going to experience someone stinking up the bathroom, taking out the trash and being grumpy when sick. You'll see them at their lowest. and they'll see you there too. Love -real love- exists when that person is still there when the smoke clears. How wise is it to kick that to the curb?

 

I guess it all depends on your definition of love. Those who think love is a feeling, an emotion, will search 'till they die. Those who realize it's a decision will understand better, and ultimately (IMHO) find balance.

 

Steadfast,

 

Another on the money post, bravo

Posted
Steadfast,

 

Another on the money post, bravo

 

 

Agreed. Brilliant and so true.

Posted
Confused. So, if X number of years down the road, you now have a revelation that your promise should never have been made, it's now OK to dismiss that?

 

Not IMO.

 

Agreed.

 

Now...if you want to file for divorce because you feel that you're no longer wanting to be in the marriage...that's one thing.

 

It's painful, but nowhere NEAR as devestating as unilateraly deciding that your marriage isn't worth it anymore and starting a new relationship with someone else WITHOUT having discussed all of this with your BS first.

 

It's ok to decide that you're no longer wanting to be married and ending the marriage...it's another to decide all of this and acting like you're no longer married without having discussed this with your spouse first.

Posted
... their love for their WS is triggered by DDay and really in their actions and hearts it wasn't there before?

 

My BH has.

 

Is this kind of 'loss love' something to base a future on? Is it real? Is it an awakening or just possessiveness?

 

Is it the same as falling in love again?

 

I am wondering because I thought love was generous, and thinking your loved one loved another meant you should 'set them free'.

 

But many BSs think that the new love is a delusion.

 

Is it you they love, or is it fear of change motivating them?

 

If they could go many years without loving you apart from kind of being around and having sex, why does the fear of loss make them want you so bad? Is this a good thing;

 

a) if we want love to be the most important value?

 

b) if we think M and commitment is?

 

What if it's like my case?

 

I NEVER stopped loving my wife. My love didn't dwindle before her affair, nor did it suddenly go into overdrive after d-day.

 

The only thing that changed was HER viewpoints on things, not mine.

 

So are you saying that your husband loved you less before the affair, but suddenly decided he loved you more as a result?

 

What do you think caused his loss of love for you?

Posted

Well not the only reason, but I've decide to try to win my wife back...because as 'Dreaminoftigers' put it...I don't think I could later on down the road look back without regret for not trying everything I could to save my marriage since I didn't try while we were having problems...if after I try with everything I can and she decides (I'm sure she has as of now) that she is still no longer wanting me back..then I can live with that..my kids need to know dad tried everything but it just didn't work out, then when they are mature enough they will know that trying in a marriage sometimes just doesn't work out but not trying will never work..I now look at it as a lesson I can give them instead of throwing up my hands feeling bad for myself and them and giving up..I'm pretty sure my self-reflection (which I hated at 1 time) can and will be a work in progress of improvement regardless of the outcome of my marriage, and in the long run which ever way it turns out,it will at least have a positive spin on our relationship with each other.

Posted

I think it is very very possible that an affair , after D-Day, can lead to a better marriage. It certainly, like any crisis, forces communication, self reflection, new evaluations. If both partners want recovery, it make each one realize what they almost lost, their part in it, etc.

Its a crisis. Either you divorce or your marriage improves.

 

I also wanted to add one other thought. When distance of one kind or another becomes part of a marriage to say: My partner would not change until I had an affair.

 

I would choose to be proactive in creating a turning point in another way. Affair never really go away.

Posted

 

I understand the many posters who are concerned about my H. I share these concerns. But it also seems to be the case that he hasn't just remembered he loves me in the light of the A, but that he didn't love me fully before it. He wants to now. This makes me wonder if we can give it another shot - things will be different? He has started to look at me in that way you are looked at when loved - perhaps what I was looking for in the A.

 

I have a lot of respect for my H now. He has transformed in terms of emotional maturity and respect for me. Perhaps I can transform too.

 

-snip-

 

I worry we'll be back to square one in a few years. But I think there is enough of a basis here to begin to take that risk.

 

 

Has your H admitted as much to you...that he didn't fully love you pre-affair?

 

You know, sometimes I think this is what happens in many marriages. People get married because yes, they do love each other but then they quickly become complacent. Not out of meanness or spite but out of security.

 

And so what, really, if he didn't love you fully pre-affair? Let's say this IS the case...he has paid for this 'mistake' in your relationship, you have paid for this 'mistake.' Your affair hurt both of you.

 

So now the question is what do you want to do about it. What happened in the past, good or bad, is over.

 

Things will never go back to the same way that they were in your marriage--and from what you describe about your pre-affair marriage, this can only be a good thing.

 

The choice is yours.

Posted
Blameshifting anyone?

 

exactly what I was thinking

  • Author
Posted
What if it's like my case?

 

I NEVER stopped loving my wife. My love didn't dwindle before her affair, nor did it suddenly go into overdrive after d-day.

 

The only thing that changed was HER viewpoints on things, not mine.

 

So are you saying that your husband loved you less before the affair, but suddenly decided he loved you more as a result?

 

What do you think caused his loss of love for you?

 

He didn't lose it - it had never been there or developed sufficient depth. I was probably attracted to that initially. (Childhood issues.. yawn yawn).

Posted

Well, I could be going out on a limb here, but I'd suggest that it's probably not common that the BS never loved the WS in the first place, and only developed love AFTER the affair ended.

 

I doubt that what you describe in your situation is a common theme that most BS's should take into account...no insult intended.

×
×
  • Create New...