Final decision phase - My week

[lilagirl]

I was inspired by another post to share more of me on this site... so I will. As my life of an OW is never dull, I could probably post daily about where things are at and how I feel because it is definately a roller coaster.

 

My MM and his W do not have a good relationship. Many tragic and difficult moments brought them to where they are today. Constant brutal fighting is common for them. He is in the final phase of decision making, (I am certain he has already made his decision, however, I don`t think he has the strength to be the one to walk out) They got into a huge fight this week, and he called me saying, today is the day...they have discussed separation muiltiple times...and are giving it one last try.

 

The reason he hasn`t left is for the children. The way my MM and his W fight, future dealings are bound to be very difficult. I was heartbroken for all of them, and didn`t want them to walk out on many years together in a screaming match. So, I talked to him about his future, and about the future of the children, and what it looks like. Its not about all the large and petty issues anymore, its about decency, and respect. Anyway, I encouraged him to try harder for common respect and decency, and I recommended that I back out and allow him to focus at home.

 

They ended up having a great discussion and agreed that sometimes issues can never be solved, but as long respect is there, they could work better... for the children.

 

I listened to my MM as he relayed the story, and felt so much pride in how he was able to deal with it with her. I loved him more, because of how he handled it. We spent the day chatting and talking about things... and my pride and love never left.

 

Then I came home, children were at friends houses and I am still adjusting to life without my H. I felt very lonely. I began crying, and couldn`t stop. I got angry at my MM. How could he be hanging by a thread in his M, and still not "choose" me. My MM called me that night, and was upset as they were already fighting... my emotions were still controlling me, and i let him have it. *sigh*. We faught all evening. He was confused why I would tell him to do the "right" thing, and then be upset when he did. For me its my guilt for his BW, and what we are doing... As prior to our A turning more emotional and then physical, I was often the sounding board for their M....Now I am deeply in love with him, against everything I believe in.

 

We spent some more time in the week, working it out, and my monthly visitor came, so I understood where my emotions may have come from .

 

They are now spending the weekend trying to talk things out, and work through whether they can stop fighting for the kids... i am back to being content and just wanting him at peace, even if that means I lose him. He called me late last night, and said they fought all evening again, but were hoping to try for a "miracle". He sounded so defeated. Having left my M a few months ago... I know that defeat. It broke my heart that he has to go through this.

 

We have a mutal friends BBQ to attend this weekend. He and his W will be there. I am debating on whether I should go. I don`t know if I can look her in the eyes, knowing how close things are to a decision point. It seems the closer he gets, the more guilty I feel. I can`t imagine my future without him, but I don`t want to cause her the pain of a D.

 

One thing I did learn on LS though, is even if he decides to leave, doesn`t mean we are going to live happily ever after and he will stick to his commitments to end it... The waiting saga continues...

 

Just wanted to share my week.

Edited May 22, 2010 by lilagirl

[jthorne]

Lila,

I will hand it to you, you are very courageous for posting this. I know you know you are opening yourself up for a multitude of responses. I don't care to go there. You seem to know what you are in for, so all I can do is wish you luck.

 

But- you said you could post daily on the ups and downs... Please don't take this wrong, but have you ever considered writing a blog? I'm not saying that you are not welcome to write here. It's just that you said you could write daily about your life. It sorta reminded me of Belle du Jour's blog. (No, I'm not calling you a call girl!!). Your story could be compelling to others. Just a thought. Hope it's not taken the wrong way.

[jennie-jennie]

Before I start typing, I want to point out that I am better at discussing things than just giving support (if that has gone anyone by), that is just my personality.

 

Now I am deeply in love with him, against everything I believe in.

 

This sentence stood out to me, Lila. Jthorne and I were discussing in another thread the impact of the moral value system an OW has before the affair. I am curious to how this affects you. I think this is something you need to come to terms with.

 

I have seen you post that you are encouraging your MM to fix his marriage, to do the right thing. Is this really what you want? You need to think long and hard on this.

 

I believe it is very important, because if your affair ends badly, you might have problems accepting that you ever indulged in it. And then again perhaps not, you seem to be a levelheaded girl.

 

I am very interested in how you handle this meeting of your morals and your love. For me it was easy as my morals have always been that it is okay to go for a MM if you love him. For jthorne she has said she went against her morals by being with the MM and now she regrets it.

 

I do encourage my MM to find his own answer to his dilemma and follow the path that is true to him. To me that is doing the right thing. To me it would be as right for him to get a divorce and be with me as it would be for him to decide to stay married and end the affair. To me it can even be right to be in limbo while he makes up his mind.

 

I would never deny the fact that I want him to get a divorce, that I feel his kids would be better of with divorced parents than with a father who has a lover, that I think he should set his wife free to find a new love who can love her like she deserves, but I respect that he views these issues differently than I do and it is his marriage, his wife, his kids so he has the ultimate decision right.

 

Thanks for sharing! I am very happy to see you as a member here on LS. I read all the posts I see by you.

 

(((lila)))

[jwi71]

OK, my goal is to help you.

And sometimes that means saying things you might not like to hear.

But I want you to think, consider and be aware of some "things" I see.

I'm sure it won't be well received.

 

1) Rebounds. Just sayin'.

2) Reactionary R. A reactionary R is a knee-jerk R to an R which is the polar opposite of the current R "grass is greener" type of thing.

 

 

I was inspired by another post to share more of me on this site... so I will. As my life of an OW is never dull, I could probably post daily about where things are at and how I feel because it is definately a roller coaster.

 

Journal it. Go to Walmart and buy a journal and start writing. I did.

In fact, when I go back and read what I wrote...its incredible the progress I've made. The lessons I have learned. This journal is to be secret to all except your H.

 

My MM and his W do not have a good relationship. Many tragic and difficult moments brought them to where they are today. Constant brutal fighting is common for them. He is in the final phase of decision making, (I am certain he has already made his decision, however, I don`t think he has the strength to be the one to walk out) They got into a huge fight this week, and he called me saying, today is the day...they have discussed separation muiltiple times...and are giving it one last try.

Stay out of this as you are part of the problem. And, you cannot truly counsel him BECAUSE you are the OW. You cannot be his lover and his healer. Not now - down the line when you two are married..yes, but not now.

 

The reason he hasn`t left is for the children.

Sigh. Because daily exposure to these titanic fights is SO healthy.

IF they truly desire a healthy nuclear household and less drama then it seems that they would BOTH be open to an open M. He has you and she can have Joe BLow. But that's not what is happening.

 

Why is that? Why is "open marriage" not a choice for them?

 

The way my MM and his W fight, future dealings are bound to be very difficult. I was heartbroken for all of them, and didn`t want them to walk out on many years together in a screaming match. So, I talked to him about his future, and about the future of the children, and what it looks like. Its not about all the large and petty issues anymore, its about decency, and respect. Anyway, I encouraged him to try harder for common respect and decency, and I recommended that I back out and allow him to focus at home.

This I like. Sorta. I think we both agree that you go away until his home life is "settled". But instead of recommending it, just do it YOURSELF.

 

"You need to solve your home life before you can come back and see me. Please, do not contact me until you have moved out and filed for D."

 

They ended up having a great discussion and agreed that sometimes issues can never be solved, but as long respect is there, they could work better... for the children.

Which basically means...nothing changes. I don't remember...but does the W know about you?

 

I listened to my MM as he relayed the story, and felt so much pride in how he was able to deal with it with her. I loved him more, because of how he handled it. We spent the day chatting and talking about things... and my pride and love never left.

Pride at what? Staying in a bad dysfunctional M with its constant fighting for the benefit of the kids? I guess because I think kids deserve a "peaceful" home I find it abhorrent that staying is better. Opinions clearly differ.

Then I came home, children were at friends houses and I am still adjusting to life without my H

Uh. You haven't adjusted to life w/o your H yet?

You do know that this sounds very much like point 1 above - the rebound I don't want to be lonely R.

 

. I felt very lonely. I began crying, and couldn`t stop. I got angry at my MM. How could he be hanging by a thread in his M, and still not "choose" me.

You don't want him to leave for you.

You don't want him to stay for the kids.

See the problem?

Solution...bow out until he decides what he will do.

My MM called me that night, and was upset as they were already fighting... my emotions were still controlling me, and i let him have it. *sigh*. We faught all evening. He was confused why I would tell him to do the "right" thing, and then be upset when he did. For me its my guilt for his BW, and what we are doing... As prior to our A turning more emotional and then physical, I was often the sounding board for their M....Now I am deeply in love with him, against everything I believe in.

Darling, you have to take some steps back. You aren't helping him, his M, his kids, yourself, your kids or ANYONE. Your presence in this ADDS to the drama and introduces into your kids life.

 

We spent some more time in the week, working it out, and my monthly visitor came, so I understood where my emotions may have come from .

IF you would characterize this as normal before Aunt Flo comes, then yes, if not...stop finding excuses (so you aren't alone).

 

They are now spending the weekend trying to talk things out, and work through whether they can stop fighting for the kids... i am back to being content and just wanting him at peace, even if that means I lose him. He called me late last night, and said they fought all evening again, but were hoping to try for a "miracle". He sounded so defeated. Having left my M a few months ago... I know that defeat. It broke my heart that he has to go through this.

BBM

As gently as I can, you AREN'T ready for ANY R with ANYONE, much less an A. You have already said you are still "adjusting" (read mourning) the loss of your H and your M. I don't think you have healed. It took me well over a year to mourn the loss of my W and M and I filed! I wanted it!

 

Walk from this, forget stepping back. Get yourself to IC, gather your friends and family and MOURN and GRIEVE. Its part of the natural healing cycle...no shortcuts here, only repression.

 

We have a mutal friends BBQ to attend this weekend. He and his W will be there. I am debating on whether I should go. I don`t know if I can look her in the eyes, knowing how close things are to a decision point. It seems the closer he gets, the more guilty I feel. I can`t imagine my future without him, but I don`t want to cause her the pain of a D.

Don't go.

You will LOSE your mutual friends when this comes out. And it will.

 

One thing I did learn on LS though, is even if he decides to leave, doesn`t mean we are going to live happily ever after and he will stick to his commitments to end it... The waiting saga continues...

You aren't waiting for him, you are waiting because it distracts you from the lonesomeness and the sadness you feel at D. Walk, walk from the drama, stop adding to your grief and allow yourself time to mourn and heal.

[scatterd]

As a married woman I have respect for you. I have been married almost 17 yrs we had a good marriage but he started cheating now we argue all the time we used to figure things were too stupid to argue about so we would bicker then come back and hug why he decided to do that its beyond me I have not right out caught him but he has everything to make me believe such as sneaking down stairs talking to her i caught him.I had a lot of pain he never has gave me answers but I will move on if their is more arguments and such.He is going to counseling with me and has been kind the last week.If she had known us I dont think it would have happened depending on respect.So I say good for you.I have done much to keep us together but my back went out his brother died my dad died then him doing that plus my aunt died.I think its mid life crisis from what I can tell.Any way big hugs

[lilagirl]

Before I start typing, I want to point out that I am better at discussing things than just giving support (if that has gone anyone by), that is just my personality.

 

 

 

This sentence stood out to me, Lila. Jthorne and I were discussing in another thread the impact of the moral value system an OW has before the affair. I am curious to how this affects you. I think this is something you need to come to terms with.

 

This is very difficult for me. I see him and his w together socially all the time, and she seems to quite like me. Its hard to always be fake, and to know that she not only trusts him, but me as well. What I struggle with the most is all the lies. He and I have tons of mutual friends, and he is friends with almost all members of my family. If there was a Dday, it would be devastating to so many people. I hate to think that our selfish love could hurt so many people.

 

I have seen you post that you are encouraging your MM to fix his marriage, to do the right thing. Is this really what you want? You need to think long and hard on this.

 

I really want him to be happy. I don`t believe that he and his W will ever be happy, but I also don`t believe that he and I could ever be together if he didn`t feel as though he tried. My dilemma with this is that I know that he could never really fix his marriage with me in the background. As his best friend he needs me to discuss these aspects with, but as his lover, this is difficult for me.

 

I guess for me, the moment after our first kiss, and the decision to allow another one, I knew that it could (at that time - thought should) end at any time. I have always been honest with myself about that.

 

What I want, and what I have always been honest to him about is that I am *still* here for one reason, to have a future with him. I am young-er and have allot of life in me, and allot of opportunity to share my life with a great man. I don`t want to "pass up" this relationship because it is so wonderful and amazing on so many levels. I will wait it out, as long as he is actively working through his issues to come to a decision... which he is...

 

 

I am very interested in how you handle this meeting of your morals and your love. For me it was easy as my morals have always been that it is okay to go for a MM if you love him. For jthorne she has said she went against her morals by being with the MM and now she regrets it.

 

I think I fall some where in the middle here. Where I failed my morals was in my M. I had my own rules and boundaries that I didn`t follow as a M woman. I knew I was unhappy, and I allowed another man to meet my needs. I knew at that point, I couldnt be in my M any longer.

 

As far as the A goes... Again, its similar. The moral boundary was broken when we allowed ourselves to fall in love. Now that we are in love, that is lessoned a great deal. I feel badly for his W and how she is feeling today, and how she will feel when the M ends, from a moral perspective, I didn`t steal her man... he was already gone. Where I am breaking my morals is in the hiding of the A.

 

I do encourage my MM to find his own answer to his dilemma and follow the path that is true to him. To me that is doing the right thing. To me it would be as right for him to get a divorce and be with me as it would be for him to decide to stay married and end the affair. To me it can even be right to be in limbo while he makes up his mind.

 

I would never deny the fact that I want him to get a divorce, that I feel his kids would be better of with divorced parents than with a father who has a lover, that I think he should set his wife free to find a new love who can love her like she deserves, but I respect that he views these issues differently than I do and it is his marriage, his wife, his kids so he has the ultimate decision right.

 

I agree with this as well. MMs children are young, and they have had issues for many years. Kids were supposed to fix it... but made it much much worse. The children, IMO, are much better off not living in a toxic home.

 

Thanks for sharing! I am very happy to see you as a member here on LS. I read all the posts I see by you.

 

Thank you. For the most part, i quite enjoy this forum. I also enjoy your level-headed approach to looking at things, and enjoy your posts and replies. Your R is an inspiration, and I have often asked myself if I could be an LT OW. In my case, I want more children - so until that passes... I am deadline girl!

[jthorne]

Lila,

You said they have been fighting a lot. In another post, you mentioned that his W said something about him having an A, and getting a PI. Wouldn't that have been the perfect time for MM to disclose his R with you? How does it make you feel that he didn't step up and do that? What was your reaction to it?

 

If I'm not mistaken, didn't you leave your M primarily for MM? I was reading jwi's response and thought I remembered you saying that.

Edited May 22, 2010 by jthorne

[jennie-jennie]

This is very difficult for me. I see him and his w together socially all the time, and she seems to quite like me. Its hard to always be fake, and to know that she not only trusts him, but me as well. What I struggle with the most is all the lies. He and I have tons of mutual friends, and he is friends with almost all members of my family. If there was a Dday, it would be devastating to so many people. I hate to think that our selfish love could hurt so many people.

All love between a couple is selfish love. We love because the other person makes us feel good. When you look your lover/partner in his eyes, you need to see that he desires you. That is selfish love he is feeling. He wants you. You two are no better or worse than anyone in a love relationship.

I really want him to be happy. I don`t believe that he and his W will ever be happy, but I also don`t believe that he and I could ever be together if he didn`t feel as though he tried. My dilemma with this is that I know that he could never really fix his marriage with me in the background. As his best friend he needs me to discuss these aspects with, but as his lover, this is difficult for me.

Truthfully I don't believe he can even try to fix his marriage until all his emotions for you are gone, which would probably mean that he first has to mourn you for a year. Wanting to fix your marriage when you are already in love with another person is to me like wanting to wind time backwards. I don't think my MM agrees with me on this though. He still believes that his marriage might have a slight chance of being fixed.

I guess for me, the moment after our first kiss, and the decision to allow another one, I knew that it could (at that time - thought should) end at any time. I have always been honest with myself about that.

Good, you are realistic. Unfortunately, I believe it is true that most men who for one reason or another keep an OW, do not leave.

 

What I want, and what I have always been honest to him about is that I am *still* here for one reason, to have a future with him.

I love this. You are not denying yourself.

I am young-er and have allot of life in me, and allot of opportunity to share my life with a great man. I don`t want to "pass up" this relationship because it is so wonderful and amazing on so many levels. I will wait it out, as long as he is actively working through his issues to come to a decision... which he is...

Good. Is he going to IC? Or how is he actively working through his issues?

I think I fall some where in the middle here. Where I failed my morals was in my M. I had my own rules and boundaries that I didn`t follow as a M woman. I knew I was unhappy, and I allowed another man to meet my needs. I knew at that point, I couldnt be in my M any longer.

You set it right. That is the main thing.

As far as the A goes... Again, its similar. The moral boundary was broken when we allowed ourselves to fall in love. Now that we are in love, that is lessoned a great deal. I feel badly for his W and how she is feeling today, and how she will feel when the M ends, from a moral perspective, I didn`t steal her man... he was already gone. Where I am breaking my morals is in the hiding of the A.

I can understand this, especially since the hiding is really not your choice and you are in the same social circles. I am glad to see that you do not feel you stole her man, that bodes good for your future if the affair does end badly. It must be hard though to meet her and pretend as nothing, especially when she trusts you.

I agree with this as well. MMs children are young, and they have had issues for many years. Kids were supposed to fix it... but made it much much worse. The children, IMO, are much better off not living in a toxic home.

This is a difference between your MM's situation and my MM's. My MM's home is a relatively happy one. There are no hard words exchanged and everyone cares for each other. Really no reason for my MM to get a divorce if not for me.

 

Thank you. For the most part, i quite enjoy this forum. I also enjoy your level-headed approach to looking at things, and enjoy your posts and replies. Your R is an inspiration, and I have often asked myself if I could be an LT OW. In my case, I want more children - so until that passes... I am deadline girl!

Good for you. That is a very important aspect of being an OW. If you are young enough to have kids and want them, don't let an extramarital relationship take that dream away.

[jwi71]

This is very difficult for me. I see him and his w together socially all the time, and she seems to quite like me. Its hard to always be fake, and to know that she not only trusts him, but me as well.

 

LG...this will end horribly. I can't say it any clearer than that.

You are betraying her to her face all the while PRETENDING to be her friend and confidant. That circle of mutual friends...they're gone. The minute they find out what you have done - you will be cast out, thuink you are lonely now? You are walking a VERY dark path.

 

I'm sorry, but this behavior, pretending to be her friend, is disgusting.

You are using her trust in YOU to further betray her and woo her H.

Unreal. And I promise when this gets out - you will be universally reviled precisely because you used the BS' trust in you to further betray her.

 

Un-freaking real.

 

What I struggle with the most is all the lies. He and I have tons of mutual friends, and he is friends with almost all members of my family. If there was a Dday, it would be devastating to so many people. I hate to think that our selfish love could hurt so many people.

IF?

And when you two start dating as an open couple...people will put two and two together. Just like a workplace, my money is on people suspecting something but a) have no proof or b) not their business to get involved.

 

I don`t believe that he and his W will ever be happy, but I also don`t believe that he and I could ever be together if he didn`t feel as though he tried.

This makes no sense. If you left your H for him...this is patently insane thing to say. IF you didnt, then you are STILL contradicting yourself.

 

What do you think it means when you contradict yourself?

Answer: confusion.

 

So...what are you confused about?

 

My dilemma with this is that I know that he could never really fix his marriage with me in the background. As his best friend he needs me to discuss these aspects with, but as his lover, this is difficult for me.

But you'll stick around anyway because you want to.

I guess for me, the moment after our first kiss, and the decision to allow another one, I knew that it could (at that time - thought should) end at any time. I have always been honest with myself about that.

I'm not so sure.

Because if you were honest with yourself you wouldn't be contradicting yourself. IE, you wouldn't be confused.

 

The problem is, for me, you are in love with a forbidden fruit. But you're going to chase it anyway. This is also called getting on the titanic knowing it will sink.

 

You need to walk. This ends in a catastrophe for EVERYONE.

 

What I want, and what I have always been honest to him about is that I am *still* here for one reason, to have a future with him. I am young-er and have allot of life in me, and allot of opportunity to share my life with a great man. I don`t want to "pass up" this relationship because it is so wonderful and amazing on so many levels. I will wait it out, as long as he is actively working through his issues to come to a decision... which he is...

Well, given that...what can anyone say?

Anyone speaking contrary to what you want will be ignored and lambasted. Hell, you have inner turmoil on this and you wot even listen to YOU.

 

As far as the A goes... Again, its similar. The moral boundary was broken when we allowed ourselves to fall in love. Now that we are in love, that is lessoned a great deal. I feel badly for his W and how she is feeling today, and how she will feel when the M ends, from a moral perspective, I didn`t steal her man... he was already gone. Where I am breaking my morals is in the hiding of the A.

Let the rationalizing begin.

 

This thread isn't about advice or writing a journal...its about drumming up support at her actions - because no one else will.

 

This ends VERY badly for you I think.

 

Try and protect yourself...and your kids.

[BB07]

Hi Lilagirl.....

 

You are in it up to your eyeballs, aren't you?

 

I think jwi71 gave you some great advice, when she said bow out of it until he decides what to do. I know that if you can do that, it will be for the best. It will be very hard but if he does decide to leave, it will be much easier for you, less guilt and in the long run it will be better for him also.

 

Good luck!

[lilagirl]

Lila,

You said they have been fighting a lot. In another post, you mentioned that his W said something about him having an A, and getting a PI. Wouldn't that have been the perfect time for MM to disclose his R with you? How does it make you feel that he didn't step up and do that? What was your reaction to it?

 

If I'm not mistaken, didn't you leave your M primarily for MM? I was reading jwi's response and thought I remembered you saying that.

 

I do not feel as though a disclosure would be beneficial given our social network, and our children.

 

I did leave my H. Not necessarily for MM, but if that works out... wonderful. I left because the moment I allowed an A, I knew it was over. There were tons of other issues happening, including abuse to my children and I. I left for me and my children. If things don`t work out with MM, I am content to move on. (not saying it will be easy, but I left M for my family, not to be w MM)

[lilagirl]

LG...this will end horribly. I can't say it any clearer than that.

You are betraying her to her face all the while PRETENDING to be her friend and confidant. That circle of mutual friends...they're gone. The minute they find out what you have done - you will be cast out, thuink you are lonely now? You are walking a VERY dark path.

 

I'm sorry, but this behavior, pretending to be her friend, is disgusting.

You are using her trust in YOU to further betray her and woo her H.

Unreal. And I promise when this gets out - you will be universally reviled precisely because you used the BS' trust in you to further betray her.

 

Un-freaking real.

 

IF?

And when you two start dating as an open couple...people will put two and two together. Just like a workplace, my money is on people suspecting something but a) have no proof or b) not their business to get involved.

 

This makes no sense. If you left your H for him...this is patently insane thing to say. IF you didnt, then you are STILL contradicting yourself.

 

What do you think it means when you contradict yourself?

Answer: confusion.

 

So...what are you confused about?

 

But you'll stick around anyway because you want to.

I'm not so sure.

Because if you were honest with yourself you wouldn't be contradicting yourself. IE, you wouldn't be confused.

 

The problem is, for me, you are in love with a forbidden fruit. But you're going to chase it anyway. This is also called getting on the titanic knowing it will sink.

 

You need to walk. This ends in a catastrophe for EVERYONE.

 

Well, given that...what can anyone say?

Anyone speaking contrary to what you want will be ignored and lambasted. Hell, you have inner turmoil on this and you wot even listen to YOU.

 

Let the rationalizing begin.

 

This thread isn't about advice or writing a journal...its about drumming up support at her actions - because no one else will.

 

This ends VERY badly for you I think.

 

Try and protect yourself...and your kids.

 

 

I appreciate where you are coming from. It sickens me to see her as well. I am nice to her, but I try my best to keep the lines drawn with her. In recent months we ensure that one or the other is attending (MM or Me) the get together, as I do feel badly about this.

 

I woudl be the first to say I am confused, and I know the right thing to do, and am not doing it. The risk is insane with friends and family.

 

I also agree that others *know* but just aren`t saying anything... there have been some things discussed. We have a post separation plan in place to minimize the hurt that would come out.

[lilagirl]

Jennie-Jennie - he is going to IC. The EA aspect brought out a great deal of issues for him around some struggles he has in life with a "problem" of his. He started going to assist him with this, however, the IC has also lead him to discuss the A. He is also informing himself on some of his fears ("I will never get to see my kids", "my W will move", etc).

[whichwayisup]

JW, great reponses, and I hope LG takes to heart what you've said.

 

LG, I hope you get some one on one counselling too. You say your exH was abusive to you and your kids? No wonder you're a mess, leaving him and now the stuff with the A.

 

Having healthy relationship is something great, but you are far from that, especially since MM is still married and is still "living life" as a couple WITH his wife. Like WF's situation... Your MM is saying one thing but doing another.

 

The double betrayal aspect of this - Alot of people, innocent people are going to be affected by this.

 

Is this guy worth it? Do you truly believe that when his wife finds out the truth, all your mutual friends find out the truth, you and MM will have a good shot at love together? Sometimes TOO MUCH STUFF happens, too much pain and no matter how much love is there between you two, it may not be enough to fight all the X's you two have against you.

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

Take care of you, your kids and put some distance between you and your MM.

[whichwayisup]

We have a post separation plan in place to minimize the hurt that would come out.

Sadly, you two have no control over the amount of pain anyone is going to feel. Or anger, or feeling betrayed. You or your MM cannot take that away from his wife, your mutual friends. They all will have their opinions on this, some will run, some won't care, some will be pissed off, some may stick around and not choose sides..Either way, it's a sh*t storm in the making and going to be dramatic.

 

Take care of you, k.

[lilagirl]

LG, I hope you get some one on one counselling too. You say your exH was abusive to you and your kids? No wonder you're a mess, leaving him and now the stuff with the A.

 

Having healthy relationship is something great, but you are far from that, especially since MM is still married and is still "living life" as a couple WITH his wife. Like WF's situation... Your MM is saying one thing but doing another.

 

 

I know my situation is far from perfect, and I know my MM and I have a long road ahead if there ever was an "us". I know an A is an unhealthy form of a relationship. At this point in my life, its what I am chosing to do.

 

I appreciate the opinions and thoughts, I really do, and it always gives me something to think about. I do not appreciate a personal attack because you don`t understand my R and why I would choose this with so much risk and widespread hurt potential involved.

 

I am far from a mess. I am a strong woman, with great values. My MM, thru his guidance and loving friendship (not for his soft landing potential) gave me the strength to take me and my family out of a terrible situation. I have amazing, loving, children, I am well educated, I have a successful career, i have a close-knit family, and I have amazing friends. I am in IC to assist me with this phase of my life

[whichwayisup]

I didn't attack you personally LG. When I said, mess, I meant, leaving a marriage behind that did damage to you. Abuse does damage and you said your H was abusive to you and your kids. It's a messy situation, emotional and all. That is what I meant. And it takes time to grieve, time to heal and let go of the dream of the life you thought you might have had with your H. A family no longer living together under one roof. The A just adds another dynamic into this, but you seem to know what you're doing, even though you know it's unhealthy.

 

Good luck.

[2sunny]

keep in mind that he tells you what he THINKS you need to hear. only look at what he does. HE stays... with his W. that alone leaves you out.

 

he fights - with the W and with YOU. so - he fights. that is not an attractive feature in a mate.

 

HE participates in the fighting - so it's not all the W fault - remember, he fights with you too...

 

 

what is attractive about that? why would you choose that for yourself? a man that truly participates in fighting most days and depends upon the fight for excitement... it will be YOU if you stay in a R with him - he's become so used to the fighting that it becomes his sense of normal...

 

fighting constantly is not normal - and i hope you don't believe it needs to be.

[lilagirl]

I didn't attack you personally LG. When I said, mess, I meant, leaving a marriage behind that did damage to you. Abuse does damage and you said your H was abusive to you and your kids. It's a messy situation, emotional and all. That is what I meant. And it takes time to grieve, time to heal and let go of the dream of the life you thought you might have had with your H. A family no longer living together under one roof. The A just adds another dynamic into this, but you seem to know what you're doing, even though you know it's unhealthy.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you, I appreciate that allot. While it hasn`t been easy, the A has been both a positive distraction, as well as a negative distraction (I need to grieve), and downright difficult.

 

Thank you for the words of support, and guidance.

[lilagirl]

keep in mind that he tells you what he THINKS you need to hear. only look at what he does. HE stays... with his W. that alone leaves you out.

 

he fights - with the W and with YOU. so - he fights. that is not an attractive feature in a mate.

 

HE participates in the fighting - so it's not all the W fault - remember, he fights with you too...

 

 

what is attractive about that? why would you choose that for yourself? a man that truly participates in fighting most days and depends upon the fight for excitement... it will be YOU if you stay in a R with him - he's become so used to the fighting that it becomes his sense of normal...

 

fighting constantly is not normal - and i hope you don't believe it needs to be.

 

Thank you, I agree with all of this. Having someone else say it gives me something more to think about. I am not a fighter, I am talker. I have disagreements and sometimes they got heated, but never would I see myself as a fighter. Its a big deal, and I do question it.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie-Jennie - he is going to IC. The EA aspect brought out a great deal of issues for him around some struggles he has in life with a "problem" of his. He started going to assist him with this, however, the IC has also lead him to discuss the A. He is also informing himself on some of his fears ("I will never get to see my kids", "my W will move", etc).

 

I know my situation is far from perfect, and I know my MM and I have a long road ahead if there ever was an "us". I know an A is an unhealthy form of a relationship. At this point in my life, its what I am chosing to do.

 

I appreciate the opinions and thoughts, I really do, and it always gives me something to think about. I do not appreciate a personal attack because you don`t understand my R and why I would choose this with so much risk and widespread hurt potential involved.

 

I am far from a mess. I am a strong woman, with great values. My MM, thru his guidance and loving friendship (not for his soft landing potential) gave me the strength to take me and my family out of a terrible situation. I have amazing, loving, children, I am well educated, I have a successful career, i have a close-knit family, and I have amazing friends. I am in IC to assist me with this phase of my life

 

I am glad to see that both you and your MM are in IC. I hope everything turns out to the best for both of you.

[delirious]

If you and MM are to come out of this and have a life afterwards, I think you need to stop mixing with his wife. I mean people are going to be against you if you do this. That will make a life difficult for you and him. Me, I could never be in the same shop as her, let alone the same social evening, I do not know how you can do this. I do not know how anyone can do this? Not judging you, just wonder how you can.

[I Miss the Kiss]

Oops posted this in the wrong place. Meant to start a new thread!

Edited May 23, 2010 by I Miss the Kiss
posted in wrong place!

[2sunny]

what is attractive about that? why would you choose that for yourself? a man that truly participates in fighting most days and depends upon the fight for excitement... it will be YOU if you stay in a R with him - he's become so used to the fighting that it becomes his sense of normal...

 

fighting constantly is not normal - and i hope you don't believe it needs to be.

 

i wish you would address what i typed. IF you have a R with MM in the future - you can expect to be part of his fight. it is a part of him and will become a part of you as well.

 

what do you plan to do about that when you're involved with him?