jj33 Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Its been several years since my A ended. I continue to have a business relationship with xMMs company. Its had its ups and downs but I thought we were finally on an even keel. Until he stabbed me in the back and at the same meeting treated me to a long discussion of his loyal wonderful wife etc etc etc, sought and later thanked me for advice given to him on how they should do something. Something which I know she doesnt need and he confirmed this to me years agoso the facts as he presented them during the meeting were barelly even true. And no the meeting was not about him so this was just a little something he threw in because he felt like it. All this time I have thought it is possible to put the past behind you, it is possible to keep a professional relationship etc etc. I am astonished. Astonished that he would feel the need to be so hurtful and so inconsiderate and refuse to apologize and take the position that I am being unreasonable. We need to add something to Lizzies rules: No. 11 after its over, be considerate. I am left feeling that he is a liar. He lies out of convenience. He lies about the smallest of things if it suits him. He is totally self absorbed. Im sure he didnt do it to hurt me, he did it without even thinking about anyone but himself. Because in his world he is the only one that matters and he is entitled to do whatever he wants to get to his needs met. I suspect many serial cheaters are like that. Its all about them 24/7 I used to think he was the one person I was sorry I didnt marry. I now see it as a narrow escape.
NoIDidn't Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Wow. I'm sorry he did that, at a meeting no less. I think he did do it to hurt you, though. And a person that goes out of their way to hurt someone for not bending to their will, is a person to be pitied IMO. I agree - a narrow escape.
Author jj33 Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Thanks NID. I am just so shocked. He was the one who couldnt handle the A. So why lash out at me? And why threaten to badmouth me. Its all so surreal. And after all these years??? A part of me thinks he is seeing someone else but then why all this? He should be off with some glossy young thing adoring him not bothering me.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Thanks NID. I am just so shocked. He was the one who couldnt handle the A. So why lash out at me? And why threaten to badmouth me. Its all so surreal. And after all these years??? A part of me thinks he is seeing someone else but then why all this? He should be off with some glossy young thing adoring him not bothering me. because you allow it. stop talking to him and he won't have a way to be hurtful to you. good reason for NC, i'd say. ps... he will always be selfish and self serving - this is NOTHING new for HIM... he is just showing it to you more clearly now.
Author jj33 Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Sunny I honestly didnt think I was allowing it. I dont have any personal contact with him. I am going to go NC now to the greatest extent possible.
jthorne Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 because you allow it. stop talking to him and he won't have a way to be hurtful to you. good reason for NC, i'd say. ps... he will always be selfish and self serving - this is NOTHING new for HIM... he is just showing it to you more clearly now.And now jj is seeing it more clearly now, which is a GOOD thing. I'm just sorry the knowledge came at such a price.
reboot Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I learned a long time ago that some people are just asshats. You can't change them, you can only cut them out of your life.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 how does a person badmouth another if they never have contact with each other? this is the point of NC. anything he MAY say about you to others should be pointed out as sheer gossip - stating that you haven't had contact with this person. also ask for evidence if you are hearing of him talking behind your back. he must provide evidence to what he's gossiping about. if you point out that there is no evidence... he ends up looking VERY silly for info he's made up all on his own.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I am astonished. Astonished that he would feel the need to be so hurtful and so inconsiderate and refuse to apologize and take the position that I am being unreasonable. why be surprised? this is the person he's always been - you are just noticing it more readily now. he's always been hurtful. inconsiderate. unapologetic. unreasonable. anything that benefits him... including something extra for his wife so he either: a) feels less guilty for his bad behavior b) keeps her distracted enough with goodies so she doesn't pay attention to his bad behavior by, c) overlooking his bad behavior he's a manipulative liar - he always has been. you are just seeing some of the fine tuned ways he displays his character defects.
Author jj33 Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 I have heard of some of the things that he says. He is very very clever. He says things "out of concern" which makes people wonder. Is JJ OK, etc etc.. just enough to plant a seed of doubt so that people may hesitate just that little bit before they work with me again. I have called him on it int he past spoken to others in his company and asked them to tell him to cut it out.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I have heard of some of the things that he says. He is very very clever. He says things "out of concern" which makes people wonder. Is JJ OK, etc etc.. just enough to plant a seed of doubt so that people may hesitate just that little bit before they work with me again. I have called him on it int he past spoken to others in his company and asked them to tell him to cut it out. call him now and tell him that before he EVER speaks one more word about you - ever - he needs to ask your permission to utter one single solitary word regarding you in any way, shape or form. IF he ever does, without your permission - sue him. and tell him ahead of time that you will. then do it if he does.
Author jj33 Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 I cant do that. I would if I could but so much is subjective that I would have no grounds to sue him. He hasnt said anything actionable. Just like you cant sue somene for talking up the competitoin to your clients. Its bad business manners but its not something you can sue over. Its unbelievable to me that he doesnt see its wrong and wont even apologize for it and is painting it like I am irrational. And what kills me is that I have been steadfastly loyal to his company and have never said a bad word about him personally. Im sure he would tell a different story. That he is very loyal to me and tries to help me but I am so irrational and so stuck in the past (a woman scorned) that its just difficult to help me hard as he tries and that any problems are of my own making.
stillafool Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I would just ignore him if I were you, but I can be the queen of ignore. I would treat him like a toaster. It is over and if I were you I would treat him like it "never was".
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 but I am so irrational and so stuck in the past (a woman scorned) that its just difficult to help me hard as he tries and that any problems are of my own making. ok, so this is what YOU need to work on. what would the opposite of anything you've felt and done look like?
Author jj33 Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Your are right Sunny. It would mean not rising to the bait. When he does and says ridiculous things I need to ignore them. I do up to a point then it gets to a place where I explode. Its like when he doesnt get a reaction he ups the ante again and again and again. I need to be totally detached. If I hear anything directly or through others I just need to ignore it. If he never ever gets a reaction from me, then eventually he will become bored. I just have to forget the idea that its possible for us to be collegial. Its not. We can say perfunctory hellos when we need to if we are forced into the same space and I cant ignore him in front of others (a big red flag) but I can continue to do what i do now which is say hello and then say excuse me I need to go speak to x. I just cant be lulled into a false sense of security again that its ok to have collegial correspondence with him even if its solely about business (which it has been for quite some time). somehow it always disinegrates as he tries harder and harder to get a reaction from me. I cant explain on the boards but he does. He badgers me about business topics until I crack.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Your are right Sunny. It would mean not rising to the bait. When he does and says ridiculous things I need to ignore them. I do up to a point then it gets to a place where I explode. Its like when he doesnt get a reaction he ups the ante again and again and again. I need to be totally detached. If I hear anything directly or through others I just need to ignore it. If he never ever gets a reaction from me, then eventually he will become bored. I just have to forget the idea that its possible for us to be collegial. Its not. We can say perfunctory hellos when we need to if we are forced into the same space and I cant ignore him in front of others (a big red flag) but I can continue to do what i do now which is say hello and then say excuse me I need to go speak to x. I just cant be lulled into a false sense of security again that its ok to have collegial correspondence with him even if its solely about business (which it has been for quite some time). somehow it always disinegrates as he tries harder and harder to get a reaction from me. I cant explain on the boards but he does. He badgers me about business topics until I crack. do not react - or over react. if someone else states something they've heard - ask for their evidence that proves its truth... this should easily show the untruth of his claims - IF you are doing the right thing all the time. it will also show evidence of HIS actions of being a total a$$. hopefully, if you do this well and often - it shows HIS actions as being totally off base and HE ends up being the one in question instead of you... = success, without doing anything except asking for evidence of his words...
pureinheart Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I cant do that. I would if I could but so much is subjective that I would have no grounds to sue him. He hasnt said anything actionable. Just like you cant sue somene for talking up the competitoin to your clients. Its bad business manners but its not something you can sue over. Its unbelievable to me that he doesnt see its wrong and wont even apologize for it and is painting it like I am irrational. And what kills me is that I have been steadfastly loyal to his company and have never said a bad word about him personally. Im sure he would tell a different story. That he is very loyal to me and tries to help me but I am so irrational and so stuck in the past (a woman scorned) that its just difficult to help me hard as he tries and that any problems are of my own making. First jj, I know you were professional 100%, and I am soooo sorry that he chose to behave in this manor. This guy is playing some serious mind games, trying to push your buttons...for what????? Even though I know exDM's W was as nutty as he was, if not worse at times...I still couldn't help to wonder if and how she endured the abuse, and I know there was abuse from both sides, but I always wondered if she was always like that or did she mess him up or did he mess her up...you know? I mean this is really weird what he's doing to you!!!! Because of my disdain due to severe trauma I didn't see the difference in his behavior vs other R's...it was just a horrible period in my life that I just want remember whatever good there was in any of it and leave it at that. In bold...he can't because then he admits he was wrong...he doesn't see himself as wrong in anything.... ((((((((((GREAT BIG HUGS jj))))))))))
Author jj33 Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Thanks Sunny the problem is of course noone does the right thing 100% of the time. Sometimes an email does slip through the cracks. Sometimes you dont return a call within 24 hours much as you mean to. Noone is perfect. But you are 100% right. No reaction no reaction no reaction. Give it no energy and he will stop with the mind games
StoptheDrama Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 JJ - it sounds like you know what you need to do so I don't feel there is really anything constructive I can add at this point; however, I am sooo sorry you are still dealing with his nonsense... You are right, the end of the A was a lucky escape for you... ((hugs))
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 no one can stab my heart if my heart is completely indifferent to their existence. work on becoming totally indifferent to him.
Author jj33 Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 You are right. I will work on that. He did me a huge favor by being such an azz clown. It makes it a lot easier to be indifferent. Ill have to remind myself of this in a month or two when he comes back as if everything is normal and we are the best of frieinds.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 You are right. I will work on that. He did me a huge favor by being such an azz clown. It makes it a lot easier to be indifferent. Ill have to remind myself of this in a month or two when he comes back as if everything is normal and we are the best of frieinds. stop pretending he is your friend. to pretend is the same as lying. treat him as he should be treated... with complete indifference. then he has no power over you. i like it when i feel completely neutral while someone else spends a ton of time and energy trying to get me to react... i don't react. completely neutral... lots of power in NOT reacting... i get to keep my own power instead of handing it over to chaos.
Author jj33 Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 You are right. This is my life lesson. I have never been good at being beige. I am all teh colors of the rainbow and much too reactive. this is my chance to learn that lesson. Dont react.
califnan Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 You are right. This is my life lesson. I have never been good at being beige. I am all teh colors of the rainbow and much too reactive. this is my chance to learn that lesson. Dont react. ------------------ And it should be easier to secure your own neutrality/indifference - in knowing what a looser/user he has been ..
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