Hastings123 Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Hey *****, I know this is out of the blue.. but I remember you said at some point, and likewise, that if one of us ever felt completely lost or something terrible happened in our lives, we could make contact with one another. A big mix of things has brought me to this point. After yet another breakup recently, which wasn't in and of itself that bad, something deeper came out of it. That thing was the awareness of what a burden the past few years, maybe 5, have now become in terms of forgiveness and non-forgiveness and how fragmented and fractured my past has become. I know all that sounds probably quite strange, hmm so I'll try to explain. After every relationship I've had I have, in a sense, blotted out all memories of them and inevitably most of my own memories too. It feels like the past four or five years have been a... fragmented mess of half-forgotten random scenes. It feels like there's no narrative or thread linking between any of it. When I said to you, some time in June 2008 or whenever it was, that I would never talk to you again, I meant it. But with that, the deliberate forgetting of everything I possibly could, of you, of others, of everyone that has mattered to me more than as just a friend, comes that sense that there's absolutely no one out there who has known me or shares any memories with me. Friends have come and gone, girlfriends have come and gone and been... blotted out. In a way it's connected to forgiveness, or the lack of it. To not forgive one person.. sure.. but then one turns into two, to three, four, five.. and when does it end? one per year? By the time I'm thirty I won't have access to any of my memories if it carries on like this. I didn't cry about my last break-up, or any of them actually, no matter how upset I was - but all embarrassment aside - uniquely in this case I did when I realised how, once again, yet another person who knew everything about me and who had been in the same places at the same times that I had been, had just been ripped away from me. And along with that the access to any good memories or even most ordinary memories of the last five years. I feel like I have no past, no history, because all the people that were there at any of those times have disappeared into the ether. If I am the only person who remembers, who is to say any of it happened at all? The past becomes frighteningly malleable, I can remember or forget almost anything I want when there's no anchor of another person. It is a weight on my shoulders to feel that I am the only person still existing from that point in time. And in that case things I forget may as well never have happened at all. I'm frightened that I have become depressed again without even noticing it this time, as the girls I've known live on inside me reach the magic number (with my most recent break-up) where I just can't take on any more without something giving in. They siphon off any feelings of hope and joy or any sense of possibility in my life. Right now I'm not heartbroken, strangely enough, and I just can't explain it. Maybe it's because I've had such truly horrible break-ups that this one in comparison is an absolute doddle. In fact each break-up got slightly easier over the past five years. I can't explain it, maybe it's just that there's less to lose because I had less to give in the first place any more. Rather than heartbreak, this is what I'm feeling, and it's very strange. And extremely hopeless and... starting to make me a colder, meaner, less caring man. I don't care about other people so much, I don't care about living up to my moral and ethical standards as before (after all, look what all of this has brought me) and in a way relationships, sex, all of it just disgusts me. Regards, C
onewillburn Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 It really is a good way to vent. There is an entire thread dedicated to this kind of venting if you want to take a look: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117844/
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