Woggle Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I doubt I'll be able to stand by without helping. Whether she listens is another story. But it was exasperating trying to talk sense into someone who knows she's not helping herself but refuses to get herself out of the situation. It baffles me how one can know something is bad but still sticks herself into it. Just tell her not to bring it up anymore. She sticks by it because she is getting her drama fix.
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 She won't listen to anyone at all. I think this is the most dangerous point.
carhill Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 maybe she's waiting for a committed kind of guy to present himself - the kind that is faithful and loving and emotionally available, who is also great sex... in the meantime she needs sex - and she gets it from someone who doesn't waste her emotional time and energy by pretending to go out on dates. See, from reading the OP's posts, if male, he sounds like an orbiter. I see emotional investment. 'Upset' is a great buzzword for emotional investment. My clearest vision as such an orbiter came when I saw, now that the person I related to in my prior post was single and had free choice to do anything she chose, she chose to be a f*ck-buddy over the love of a commitment-minded, emotionally available man (me) whom she *said* she had feelings for and connection with over many years. The love and respect that I had for her died. She's no longer in my mind, except as a memory of something I wasted a lot of energy, time and emotion on. A great life lesson. I'm hoping the OP can identify, before he gets more invested in this black hole of a woman. OP, question: Does this 'friend' have a f*cked-up past, like a difficult childhood? My bet, based on my experiences as a single and married man, is 'yes'.
stillafool Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Many women into into those kinds of relationships in the delusional belief they can grow into "something more." What they fail to realize is that for most men, a serious, committed relationship is NOT the ideal situation. For men, FWB is the ideal situation. In a FWB relationship, a man gets all the benefits of a committed relationship--affection, sex, companionship--but with no strings. FWB is the ultimate win/win, hawe-my-cake-and-eat-it-too situation as far as men are concerned. Once a man has a woman in a FWB, he'll newer want it to grow into "something more." Why would he? He's already getting ewerything he wants--for free! Really? I would think this also yet I read guys here on LS complaining about women who are involved in FWB relationships and they want to date girls who are relationship/marriage minded. I don't understand the contradictions. Also I hear men complain that women are needy and emotional, yet they don't like independent women. I don't understand what men want!
legallyblonde289 Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 in all fairness some people dont like to put their relationship status on facebook. i know with my last bf, he put in a relationship and i didnt put anything (not single but not in a relationship either) bc i dont really like people i never talk to knowing my business like that even though i was clearly more dedicated to the relationship. but if he doesnt take her out in public EVER and you know for a fact that he ****s other girls and told her that then she should definately know whats up. there's nothing else you can really do but support her as a friend when it all comes crashing down. it sounds to me like she knows the truth but it hurts her too much to face it so she stays in denial. i feel really bad for her, actually. the guy SUCKS tho!
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 See, from reading the OP's posts, if male, he sounds like an orbiter. I see emotional investment. 'Upset' is a great buzzword for emotional investment. My clearest vision as such an orbiter came when I saw, now that the person I related to in my prior post was single and had free choice to do anything she chose, she chose to be a f*ck-buddy over the love of a commitment-minded, emotionally available man (me) whom she *said* she had feelings for and connection with over many years. The love and respect that I had for her died. She's no longer in my mind, except as a memory of something I wasted a lot of energy, time and emotion on. A great life lesson. I'm hoping the OP can identify, before he gets more invested in this black hole of a woman. OP, question: Does this 'friend' have a f*cked-up past, like a difficult childhood? My bet, based on my experiences as a single and married man, is 'yes'. I'm a female. It's not as serious as a f*cked-up past but she has never had a real relationship. She yearns for one and that's probably one of the sanest reasons I can think of for her indulging in a f*ckbuddy situation. She's one of the nicest people but doesn't have much of a self confidence.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 We have, but she's delusional. She was convinced I was trying to get with her, and I wasn't, and she knows what he's doing and has her facebook status as "In a relationship" while his, is "single". She won't listen to anyone at all. and why do you care SO much? seems like you care more than she does = which is a dangerous place to be.
Engadget Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 and why do you care SO much? seems like you care more than she does = which is a dangerous place to be. I don't care so much, I'm pointing out something. Calm yourself.
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Thanks for all your replies so far. Can we get back to my question? I really want to help my friend. She's too nice and is likely to get mistreated and taken advantage of.
brainygirl Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 You asked why a woman would be in a FWB situation? Because sometimes its easier to be in that situation even if what you really want is a LTR. In a FWB situation you can call the other person up, meet up for sex, and then go one with your life. If a person is busy, or has a lot of other things going in her life this may be preferable to finding and dating a guy. Now, if this friend of yours wants to be dating and comited to the man and is allowing him to use her for sex without comitment, then there is a problem. She is either deluded into thinking that the power of her vag will change his mind or has such low self esteem that she thinks this is all she can get. I don't know if you can talk her out of it, but I do know that constantly nagging her about it will only make her withdraw from you. If you want to help her, be her friend. Let her be an adult and make her own choices. And be there if and when she needs you.
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 In a FWB situation you can call the other person up, meet up for sex, and then go one with your life. If a person is busy, or has a lot of other things going in her life this may be preferable to finding and dating a guy. She doesn't really call him up. He decides when he wants to see her. I don't know if you can talk her out of it, but I do know that constantly nagging her about it will only make her withdraw from you. If you want to help her, be her friend. Let her be an adult and make her own choices. And be there if and when she needs you. I might have to do this. I don't even know if I can talk or see her without feeling upset for her. I just don't know why someone so meek and nice would do such a thing to herself.
2sunny Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Thanks for all your replies so far. Can we get back to my question? I really want to help my friend. She's too nice and is likely to get mistreated and taken advantage of. you can't help someone if they don't want your help. IF she's unwilling to change this -all you can do is ACCEPT it for what it is - for her. or don't be her friend anymore if it bothers you that much.
Woggle Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 She is not being taken advantage of. She is willingly jumping into a situation where she will be his sex buddy.
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 She is not being taken advantage of. She is willingly jumping into a situation where she will be his sex buddy. If she was like Samantha in SATC, I wouldn't care less but tell her to enjoy it. But she's not like that.
butterflysil Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 it really is great that you are so concerned. i had a similar situation with a friend. in the end she cut everyone trying to help and stayed with him. in her head she has been leading toward engagment for 6 years now. in a diffrenet case i feel if i openly put myself in a postion like that my own friends would show concern. i would genuiley feel it is unneeded concern since i am an adult i make my own choices. the only problem happens if the two people involved are lying to themselves.
Woggle Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 If she was like Samantha in SATC' date=' I wouldn't care less but tell her to enjoy it. But she's not like that.[/quote'] She might not be like that but she is still chasing him for whatever reason. She is a grown woman and can deal with whatever fallout comes from this situation. I am sorry that your friend is doing this but chances are she will have to learn the hard way. That's the reality of it.
jenifer1972 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Did she grow up in a family where she was treated poorly by her father or both parents? Women like this are usually recreating dysfunctional relationships because that is what feels right and familiar to them, and there is no talking them out of it, till they see it themselves and get some therapy for it.
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Did she grow up in a family where she was treated poorly by her father or both parents? Women like this are usually recreating dysfunctional relationships because that is what feels right and familiar to them, and there is no talking them out of it, till they see it themselves and get some therapy for it. No, she wasn't poorly treated, as much as I know. But she has never really had a real relationship and yearns for one and that's probably one of the sanest reasons I can think of for her indulging in the situation. She's one of the nicest people but doesn't have much of a self confidence.
jenifer1972 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Oh,ok. So at this point she would rather settle for something like this than be alone. Perhaps the best thing you can do is invite her out with your group of friends and introduce her to other people, widen her circle, and maybe she will gain some confidence and meet someone who treats her better.
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