i'mfaraway Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Help me understand this. Why would any girl decide to be a guy's f*ck buddy, knowing that he doesn't want a relationship and the only place they've been together are their apartments? Is it so unclear to the girl that she has the short end of the stick and that this is unlikely to go anywhere? What makes someone hold onto something like this when she's unhappy with the arrangement and wants something more?
Engadget Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Help me understand this. Why would any girl decide to be a guy's f*ck buddy, knowing that he doesn't want a relationship and the only place they've been together are their apartments? Is it so unclear to the girl that she has the short end of the stick and that this is unlikely to go anywhere? What makes someone hold onto something like this when she's unhappy with the arrangement and wants something more? I know of a situation where this is happening, and the girl is hoping to date the guy and he's clearly not interested. Enough so that she asked him to make it official, and he still says he's single while she thinks she's in a relationship. Naivete? Believing they can change the guy? I really don't get it honestly.
carhill Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 To admit defeat is to admit the debasing of her power. It's entirely possible that the psychology of a particular person with this dynamic turns upon their power base, for a woman being sex. If she can't control and mold a man through sex, she has failed. Ouch. One potential. IMO, having been a male doormat and emotional receptacle, the f*ckbuddy is the female version. The clear difference is I won't get STD's or become pregnant from being a receptacle to a woman's 'stuff'. Hope she finds her way
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 It upsets me that the female doesn't get it. It's so clear to people around her so how can anyone be so delusional?
ADF Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Many women into into those kinds of relationships in the delusional belief they can grow into "something more." What they fail to realize is that for most men, a serious, committed relationship is NOT the ideal situation. For men, FWB is the ideal situation. In a FWB relationship, a man gets all the benefits of a committed relationship--affection, sex, companionship--but with no strings. FWB is the ultimate win/win, hawe-my-cake-and-eat-it-too situation as far as men are concerned. Once a man has a woman in a FWB, he'll newer want it to grow into "something more." Why would he? He's already getting ewerything he wants--for free!
Engadget Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 It upsets me that the female doesn't get it. It's so clear to people around her so how can anyone be so delusional? It's the same way with women who stay with an abusive partner because "he hits me because he loves me".
carhill Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I've seen this. It happened to someone I loved. It works like this: He doesn't want a 'relationship', but he will f*ck her. So, she keeps at it, accepting his semen on his schedule and, while doing that, incorporating herself into the fabric of his life; family, friends, children, etc. One step at a time. This takes a lot of time; years. She will use orbiters, of which I was one, in my case, to prod him along. Stick the orbiter in his face. Most orbiters wouldn't buy into that game, but my feelings were long-lived and unhealthy and it was a perfect scenario. Patience is the key. Also, having a vagina of stone. Being able to disconnect one's emotions and just stick it into his face. If she has those attributes, I think she'll go far and may ultimately 'get' her man, or at least his money that she 'doesn't want'. Hope that helps. One datapoint
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 It's the same way with women who stay with an abusive partner because "he hits me because he loves me". The defensiveness! When you try to talk sense to them, they tell you their f*ckbuddy actually treats them really well. Then they give lots of reasons why the f*ckbuddy decides they can't be more than f*ckbuddies.
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 So, she keeps at it, accepting his semen on his schedule and, while doing that, incorporating herself into the fabric of his life; family, friends, children, etc. This one doesn't get to see the daylight outside their apartments, let alone his family, friends and children.
carhill Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Correct; in my case, that apparently happened after about six years, or about the time I came on the scene. It's a slow process. We know it's unhealthy but some people exist and thrive in unhealthy dynamics. It's their path in life. The clear imperative is to stay clear of that path if it is incompatible with one's own path, even as friends. They'll suck you in. It's like a black hole. Save yourself
Engadget Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I've seen this. It happened to someone I loved. It works like this: He doesn't want a 'relationship', but he will f*ck her. So, she keeps at it, accepting his semen on his schedule and, while doing that, incorporating herself into the fabric of his life; family, friends, children, etc. One step at a time. This takes a lot of time; years. She will use orbiters, of which I was one, in my case, to prod him along. Stick the orbiter in his face. Most orbiters wouldn't buy into that game, but my feelings were long-lived and unhealthy and it was a perfect scenario. Patience is the key. Also, having a vagina of stone. Being able to disconnect one's emotions and just stick it into his face. If she has those attributes, I think she'll go far and may ultimately 'get' her man, or at least his money that she 'doesn't want'. Hope that helps. One datapoint Very true. This girl I speak of allows the guy to come over, have sex with her and leave. Mind you I've been told they have unprotected sex, and he's going to some weird club and doing the same thing with other women. He made it "official" only because he knows if he doesn't the vagina well may dry up. Mind you no one likes this guy, and when I'm over the house I'm about a minute away from knocking him out, as is her brother who I get along with. I believe I'm one of the orbiters you speak of, although I'm not interested in her my presence alone is obviously being used to her advantage. I heard her talk to him and try to explain why I was there, which was pretty funny.
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 The clear imperative is to stay clear of that path if it is incompatible with one's own path, even as friends. They'll suck you in. It's like a black hole. Save yourself You mean I should stop caring and stop talking sense into her?
carhill Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Up to you, but I did (black hole NC), and this was someone I'd known and loved for 25 years, and I feel so much healthier as a result. I can't begin to express the freedom. You're at the beginning, back where I was when the 'problem' was the 'abusive husband'. Interesting, isn't it? Beware.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 if she wants to change it - that's up to her. some gals prefer it this way because there are some benefits: no demands no obligations great sex no expectations no commitment no time constraints if she can do the emotional detachment part well - then there shouldn't be an issue with how "others" view her position. sometimes people ONLY want the sex = sex without the obligation or attachment. if they can compartmentalize well, it can work. why are YOU having a problem with her mindset? her priority?
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 if she wants to change it - that's up to her. some gals prefer it this way because there are some benefits: no demands no obligations great sex no expectations no commitment no time constraints if she can do the emotional detachment part well - then there shouldn't be an issue with how "others" view her position. sometimes people ONLY want the sex = sex without the obligation or attachment. if they can compartmentalize well, it can work. why are YOU having a problem with her mindset? her priority? Because she wants commitment. If she had enough self-esteem or strong-willed enough, I wouldn't be so concerned.
legallyblonde289 Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I know of a situation where this is happening, and the girl is hoping to date the guy and he's clearly not interested. Enough so that she asked him to make it official, and he still says he's single while she thinks she's in a relationship. Naivete? Believing they can change the guy? I really don't get it honestly. in this case i think the guy is an effin dbag for lying to her and telling her theyre exclusive while he bangs every girl he sees. i wouldnt even consider that a f*** buddy situation since hes telling her theyre together, more like a girl whose dating a dbag who cheats on her nonstop and never takes her anywhere. someone should really tell her whats going on.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Because she wants commitment. If she had enough self-esteem or strong-willed enough' date=' I wouldn't be so concerned.[/quote'] she may want commitment - maybe just not with the sex buddy guy... maybe all she wants is sex with him but not the commitment with him because she knows he's not the kind to attach. maybe she's waiting for a committed kind of guy to present himself - the kind that is faithful and loving and emotionally available, who is also great sex... in the meantime she needs sex - and she gets it from someone who doesn't waste her emotional time and energy by pretending to go out on dates. when the mind processes that it's only allowed to be sex - very little emotional investment makes it easier to look around and keep an open mind for a keeper.
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 she may want commitment - maybe just not with the sex buddy guy... maybe all she wants is sex with him but not the commitment with him because she knows he's not the kind to attach. maybe she's waiting for a committed kind of guy to present himself - the kind that is faithful and loving and emotionally available, who is also great sex... in the meantime she needs sex - and she gets it from someone who doesn't waste her emotional time and energy by pretending to go out on dates. when the mind processes that it's only allowed to be sex - very little emotional investment makes it easier to look around and keep an open mind for a keeper. That would be an ideal situation. But it's not because I heard it from the horse's mouth. She wants a commitment with a guy and at this time, with the f*ckbuddy. It's awful how she can't tear herself away from this and pursue something healthier. Especially when she knows that this is unhealthy.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 That would be an ideal situation. But it's not because I heard it from the horse's mouth. She wants a commitment with a guy and at this time' date=' with the f*ckbuddy. It's awful how she can't tear herself away from this and pursue something healthier. Especially when she knows that this is unhealthy.[/quote'] did you ask her what she's gonna do about it? is she going to ask the sex buddy for a commitment?
marsle85 Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Very true. This girl I speak of allows the guy to come over, have sex with her and leave. Mind you I've been told they have unprotected sex, and he's going to some weird club and doing the same thing with other women. Yuckkkkkkkkk You mean I should stop caring and stop talking sense into her? I'm not sure if this is the case. Everyone has a dark parts of their lives, she's not eternally broken- she needs help. I don't see how leaving the friendship will help anyone but you. I understand the burden you must carry, and how difficult it must be - but it's undoubtedly less than what she's experiencing now, and what she will potentially feel after losing a friend.
Woggle Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 If she hated it she would get out. Leave her alone and stop acting like she is the victim. She wants to tame a player and would have no interest in a man who didn't treat her this way so let it be.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 If she hated it she would get out. Leave her alone and stop acting like she is the victim. She wants to tame a player and would have no interest in a man who didn't treat her this way so let it be. i agree. it's none of your business. IF she wanted to change it - she would...
Woggle Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 i agree. it's none of your business. IF she wanted to change it - she would... Exactly but if she ever gets chewed up and spit out he should not be a shoulder to cry on. When women come into work with men drama I just shut my office door and tune them out because 90% of the time they volunteer for it and come back for more.
Author i'mfaraway Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Yuckkkkkkkkk I'm not sure if this is the case. Everyone has a dark parts of their lives, she's not eternally broken- she needs help. I don't see how leaving the friendship will help anyone but you. I understand the burden you must carry, and how difficult it must be - but it's undoubtedly less than what she's experiencing now, and what she will potentially feel after losing a friend. I doubt I'll be able to stand by without helping. Whether she listens is another story. But it was exasperating trying to talk sense into someone who knows she's not helping herself but refuses to get herself out of the situation. It baffles me how one can know something is bad but still sticks herself into it.
Engadget Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 in this case i think the guy is an effin dbag for lying to her and telling her theyre exclusive while he bangs every girl he sees. i wouldnt even consider that a f*** buddy situation since hes telling her theyre together, more like a girl whose dating a dbag who cheats on her nonstop and never takes her anywhere. someone should really tell her whats going on. We have, but she's delusional. She was convinced I was trying to get with her, and I wasn't, and she knows what he's doing and has her facebook status as "In a relationship" while his, is "single". She won't listen to anyone at all.
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