caribou Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 My evidence: 1. Emotionally distant 2. Secretive. Password protects her computers and phone. She keeps a separate bank account, cell phone account, and credit card. 3. Been sexually inactive for nearly a year but recently went on BCP. 4. Recently bought new phone with text messaging capabilities. Locked it. 5. Has gone out late with her supposed "female" friend on weekends. 6. Brings her computer everywhere with her for "business" trips but NEVER calls and rarely emails me. 7. Frequently attacks me on a personal level (rationalizing her sins). 8. Recently purchased expensive new jewelry and lingerie. 9. My gut tells me something is up. Maybe it's just an EA, but she is hiding something. I feel like I have collected as much circumstantial evidence as possible and I will never get that smoking gun. I think at this point, it is worth tipping my hand and confronting her, but this is killing me and I don't want to go on like this. So my question is, how should I confront her? What is the best way to coax a confession out of her? She is extremely sharp and strong-willed so my guess is that she will flatly deny everything and start attacking me ("how dare you accuse me...")
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 So my question is, how should I confront her? i hate the word confront... i say just TELL her exactly what you are doing. as in - "we are getting divorced" do not speak anything further. just leave it as simple as that. she's cheating. didn't you already have a thread exactly like this? DO SOMETHING instead of doing nothing. divorce her cheating a$$.
MadMission Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Do not confront YET. Blindsided and Cobalt are right! There are ways to get past user passwords. Research this on the internet and/or consult with a computer geek. If you can get in, then install a stealthy keylogger. Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car AND in the home where she is most likely to talk on her phone. Next time she goes out with 'friends'...see where she goes. Have a friend of yours park in the lot where she claims to be meeting her friends to confirm if that is, in fact, what she does. Or, have a friend 'follow' her. Of course, this must be a loyal, trusted, best friend. I did this, and it yielded everything I needed to know about the whereabouts of my WH one day. He was with OW. Have your friend snap a few pictures if possible. OR...if you have the money, hire a PI. Be patient. Do not let on that you suspect anything. Wait until you get SOLID evidence before confronting. Good luck.
Author caribou Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 What is the point of hiring a PI? At this point, I don't need a PI to tell me she is cheating.
Church Bells Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I don't need a PI to tell me she is cheating. I agree. However, there is another decision you have to make prior to confrontation. What are you going to do about your WW's cheating? Divorce her immediately, or attempt recovery? If its recovery ... then you need a list of conditions for her to meet PRIOR to you agreeing to another chance.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I guess the greater question is, how capable is she of talking you out of it? Would you let her 'explain away' these things? If you are resolute about it, there is no need to confront - that just invites her to gaslight you. You know already, so skip that step. Go directly to a lawyer and get divorce papers drawn up. Sign them. Wait. Catch her off guard one night: simply lay the papers down in front of her and say "I cannot stay married to you any longer because of your choice to have an affair. You have a choice - end the affair immediately, or sign these papers and get the f*ck out." The more stonelike you are in your approach, the less inclined she will be to even ATTEMPT to bullsh*t you. The more you make it clear that you do not want explanations or excuses, the less able she will be to make them. Strike, and strike hard. Affairs have to be forced to end. You can't force an affair to end if your WS has even an INCH of wiggle room.
rewe4reel Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 You don't really need anything more; yet, there is the urge to know who the OM is; and also, to get her to "confess." Try to use the Sherlock Holmes technique, deductive analysis, it might be cheaper than hiring a private eye. Most likely, the OM is someone close to you and/or her. A work colleague or supervisor is common. A work colleague of yours. A friend of the family. One of your friends. One of her girlfriend's spouses or relatives. A spouse of a relative. A sports coach. Think. Think about anyone she has mentioned, either in a good or bad context. When they are critical of someone it is often to disguise the affair. Assume that everyone that she knows, knows about the affair, including the identity of the affair partner. Maybe you can get some info. chatting with someone like that, but try not to tip your hand. By the way, if she's buying lingerie for the dude, it's not just an EA.
sally4sara Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 What did the lingerie look like? Silky and sexy or standard bras and panties? What kind of jewelry? Office appropriate or glam?
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 What did the lingerie look like? Silky and sexy or standard bras and panties? What kind of jewelry? Office appropriate or glam? what difference does it make?
michaelhopes Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 A lot of betrayed spouses never get that 100% smoking gun. Yet the evidence is so deep that they drown in it. Throw yourself a life preserver dude.... This isnt some tragic romantic comedy where the spouse is secretly planning a party for you or trying to buy you a fancy sports car behind your back
ADF Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 If she is as sharp and defensiwe as you say, you may neweer get a stright answer from her. It may come down to your deciding what you beliewe. I think you hawe more reason to doubt her fidelity thanmany people hawe. Ewen if she denies it, you'll know. In anycase, you sound miserable in this relationship. No sex for a year? That alone is grouds for breaking up. No sex, yet she is taking BCP? That is damned near a smoking gun. There are some women who take BCP to regulate their menstral cycles, but I doubt that is what is going in with her.
Cealabeala Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I agree that you should just tell her you want a divorce. Shes emotionally distant, never calls/ emails you, your not having sex. Even if shes not cheating, you marriage seems over.
sally4sara Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 what difference does it make? Because I just bought some cotton bras and undies and a nice, goes with everything and pricier than your average pendant. I go out with friends. And I'm not even thinking about cheating. So buying lingerie and jewelry isn't a hardcore bit of evidence. But if I were buying sexy lingerie and wanted nothing to do with having sex with my husband - why would I need new sexy lingerie? The other things, her being cranky and distant - WE don't know what he is like to be married to. I'm trying to figure that out before I chime in with the rest about her having an affair.
MadMission Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 My evidence: 1. Emotionally distant 2. Secretive. Password protects her computers and phone. She keeps a separate bank account, cell phone account, and credit card. 3. Been sexually inactive for nearly a year but recently went on BCP. 4. Recently bought new phone with text messaging capabilities. Locked it. 5. Has gone out late with her supposed "female" friend on weekends. 6. Brings her computer everywhere with her for "business" trips but NEVER calls and rarely emails me. 7. Frequently attacks me on a personal level (rationalizing her sins). 8. Recently purchased expensive new jewelry and lingerie. 9. My gut tells me something is up. Maybe it's just an EA, but she is hiding something. I feel like I have collected as much circumstantial evidence as possible and I will never get that smoking gun. I think at this point, it is worth tipping my hand and confronting her, but this is killing me and I don't want to go on like this. So my question is, how should I confront her? What is the best way to coax a confession out of her? She is extremely sharp and strong-willed so my guess is that she will flatly deny everything and start attacking me ("how dare you accuse me...") Caribou, If your intentions are to D her either way, whether she has been unfaithful or not, then you're right, you don't need any solid evidence of an A...no need for a PI, etc. Just go ahead and file as others have suggested. But, if you think you are going to get a confession out of her based on your list of circumstantial evidence, it will be the most aggravating, frustrating experience of your life as she explains away each point one by one...or dismisses them...or twists things...or goes silent cause you are 'attacking' her. I know BS just like you who've had a mountain of evidence....all circumstantial. Didn't matter. If all you've got is circumstantial evidence, you've got nothing. She can counter every point on your list with something....some excuse...some story. And, at the end of the confrontation, you will have gained nothing except to tip her off so she can better cover her tracks and better prepare her answers when you bring it up again. You and she will go round and round over the points on your list. She never HAS TO admit anything because you have no solid evidence. The only reason she would ever confess to an A is if it is an 'exit A' and she has one foot out the door anyway. OR, there is a slight chance that she may actually want to get caught because she is done with the A, but does not know how to get out of it at this point. In a case like this, she may be relieved to get caught cause then she can finally end it. Thus, she will cooperate with a confession. Like I said, I know BS who confronted without solid evidence and it only complicated their efforts to get to the truth. Get your solid evidence 1st...then let her try and explain THAT away. Solid = indisputable. Or, if you feel the circumstantial evidence is 'enough,' then treat it as if it were solid. And, respond accordingly.
seibert253 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Unless it's an exit A, she'll never admit anything without proof. You need to do more investigation before confronting. Hiring a PI is a good move. If you can, install a keylogger on all computers she uses VAR in her vehicle works very well If you have access to her cellphone records, they are worth their weight in gold. I agree, something is going on in your M. If you confront without proof, she will just go further underground.
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I agree with Siebert. Those of us who have been through this successfully, needed concrete irrefutable evidence to get the WS to admit and fess up. The reason is: they have been lying for so long, they themselves no longer know what the truth is. You may hear, we're just friends, or "you are being rediculous," or just enough to make you doubt your sanity, and you will. So lay low until to find something that cannot be explained away, something concrete. No matter what you decide, whether to stay or leave, you will know with complete certainty that she was having an affair, or not. And maybe not today, or even next year, that conclusive piece of information will bring you some small measure of peace: That you knew beyond a reasonable doubt that she was, and who it was with. Bide your time and find out for SURE before you make your decision. Because it is what you DON"T KNOW, that will haunt you in years to come.
U2RockZz Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 get the evidence....you don't need a publicity to rob a bank
Gman95670 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Another option would be to tell her you want a divorce and that you suspect she has moved on. Tell her you are convinced to your core that she is cheating and that the only way for her to ease your mind is to pass a polygraph.
jenifer1972 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 What is the point of hiring a PI? At this point, I don't need a PI to tell me she is cheating. Well, it depends if you want the truth or not. Because right now you have very strong circumstantial evidence, but she could still gaslight you, and make you look like a suspicious jealous harpie who's making things up. I would do the VAR thing. Get real evidence and then lower the boom. Strengthen your case.
Darth Vader Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Well, it depends if you want the truth or not. Because right now you have very strong circumstantial evidence, but she could still gaslight you, and make you look like a suspicious jealous harpie who's making things up. I would do the VAR thing. Get real evidence and then lower the boom. Strengthen your case. Like I said, get the CHECKMATE! It will find trace amounts of sperm in her panties! No sex with her in a year? If the results came back positive for sperm(from unwashed worn panties), you got 100% proof right there! That would be your smoking gun!
2sunny Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Because I just bought some cotton bras and undies and a nice, goes with everything and pricier than your average pendant. I go out with friends. And I'm not even thinking about cheating. So buying lingerie and jewelry isn't a hardcore bit of evidence. But if I were buying sexy lingerie and wanted nothing to do with having sex with my husband - why would I need new sexy lingerie? The other things, her being cranky and distant - WE don't know what he is like to be married to. I'm trying to figure that out before I chime in with the rest about her having an affair. it still makes no difference what her intentions were when she bought something. this thread is mainly about what the OP is or is not going to do about staying married. if he doesn't intend to stay married - then he needs to gather a plan about how to end things. if he intends to stay married - then he needs to gather a plan together about how he is going to stay married.
Author caribou Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 I agree with ADF. Just in my own relationships, when I got into a committed exclusive relationship and wanted to get rid of the rubbers, I got on the pill. I really like LB's divorce papers approach. It's not like they have to be filed if you decide to reconcile. But she needs to know it's on the table literally and figuratively. I pretended to just casually and inadvertently come across the BCP while she was at home. I asked what they were. She replied, "my pills." "What pills?" "My birth control pills." "Why are you taking BCP?" "To help reduce the flow of my menstrual cycle."
Author caribou Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 I agree with Siebert. Those of us who have been through this successfully, needed concrete irrefutable evidence to get the WS to admit and fess up. The reason is: they have been lying for so long, they themselves no longer know what the truth is. You may hear, we're just friends, or "you are being rediculous," or just enough to make you doubt your sanity, and you will. So lay low until to find something that cannot be explained away, something concrete. No matter what you decide, whether to stay or leave, you will know with complete certainty that she was having an affair, or not. And maybe not today, or even next year, that conclusive piece of information will bring you some small measure of peace: That you knew beyond a reasonable doubt that she was, and who it was with. Bide your time and find out for SURE before you make your decision. Because it is what you DON"T KNOW, that will haunt you in years to come. I don't want to go another year being cuckolded. Not to mention paying all of her bills and living with her.
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