Lumlum Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 My wife and I have been separated for over a year. We have been together for 6 years, married for two. After we went to two counseling sessions, she decided she wanted space and moved in with her mom. We have both been through a lot of personal stuff (family baggage, death), which prompted me to go into therapy for in the hopes of bettering myself and marriage. I have never cheated. In the past, I have hurt my wife's self esteem by looking at other women. During the course of therapy, I have realized why I did those things. My wife also went along with my ways and enabled my behavior. During our separation, I have made serious progress and taken full responsibilty of my ways. I stayed loyal and focused on repairing and rebuilding trust in our marriage. I have been kind and unselfish by giving her the time she needed to reflect while I repented and suffered with guilt. In the hopes of strengthening our marriage and herself, I encouraged her to go to therapy on her own (she rejected couples counseling). After 14 months of therapy on my own, and hanging on, she was still confused. We saw each other a couple of times a week, talked on the phone, but no sexual contact at all. I was receiving mixed signals from her during the duration of our separation. Last week, she came over with a letter stating that we have both been through a lot, describing all of the good and bad things in our marriage and how impressed she was with the changes I have made. She then stated she wasnt ready to come back, and feels she needs to move out of her mom's house on her own to get her head straight. A week prior to this, I received a call from our cell phone carrier stating that there was some overage on one of our phone lines (my wife's). I had asked her about the numbers which she provided an explanation of what number goes with what friend or family member....all but one, which she could not remember. After I received the heartbreaking letter that she was not going to return, I had a "Eureka" moment and checked into this number. It was another man. I checked all my phone records dating back to the time of our separation (14 months!). She has been calling him everyday day, 10 times a day! When I asked her via text message "Is there anything you want to tell me" she denied. I then told her when she feels like she has something to tell me, she could call me. My doorbell rang shortly, thereafter. I busted her! I was totally shocked! She then got nasty (which is not like her) and blamed me for everything that was wrong in the marriage, contradicting her letter. She then justified her friendship with this man over the course of our separation. I am heartbroken. I have worked my ass off in therapy for both myself and our marriage. She has not only betrayed me, but obviously focused her energies into her EA and new found friend. All this time I was strung along without her being honest with me. I kept my cool, while she lost hers when I confronted her about this. As I stood there hurt, I told her I wanted a divorce and walked inside my house. I miss her, but feel this is the only way out. I wanted to reconcile all this time and she knew how crushed I was. During our time apart, we talked gently and had nice moments together. We have not spoken in two days, I refuse to call her. I'm confused about what to do.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 there's no reason to speak to her when she only intends to lie to you. yep, she's lying. 99.9% sure she's not only involved in an EA - i'm sure it's been physical. you did the right thing by standing firm. it may shock her into reality if you filed for divorce - if not then at least you are a free man sooner rather than later. don't beg - you shouldn't have to beg someone to love you and to treat you with respect. big hugs - i know it's hard. she will lie and blame you so she feels less guilt... don't take that - so it's not even worth talking to her.
Author Lumlum Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Thank you 2Sunny! I have not filed for divorce yet...still in shock from all of this. If I never confronted her, she would have never had come clean. The work I have done in therapy has been lifechanging. I am reeling with anger from her lack of respect and honesty during all of this. I am a good man, who made mistakes and taken the right course of action to salvage our marriage. I was under the impression she was trying to salvage it as well, and that the mixed signals I was getting was because of her confusion. I now know there was another motive. I have lived alone and in pain during the duration. It was awful. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Any other advice would be helpful.
carhill Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I'm confused about what to do. Unconfuse yourself. Get used to using the word 'petitioner'. Let the guy with the gun show up at her place. She'll enjoy that. Get started Monday. Do everything right and she'll be served before the week's out. Good luck
Author Lumlum Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 That is my plan, but it still hurts. The therapy has given me the peace I needed to accept this. I was holding out all this time for a reconciliation...what an ******* I am!
carhill Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 IMO, the key is being proactive. Take steps on *your* timeline and enforce *your* boundaries. I'm almost through. So much happier now. Even stbx screwing up filings doesn't phase me anymore. Who cares? Women. Remember, a divorce is a lawsuit to end the legal bonds. It doesn't affect the emotional and physical bonds. Up to the two of you how it progresses. IME, doing it the reverse, it's better if you're the petitioner. Get 'er done Welcome to LS. I'd suggest continuing IC as affordable, as it will help you to better cope with the D process and/or be further along in acceptance if you and your W decide to reconcile. Good luck
Author Lumlum Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Thanks Carhill. Much appreciated. IC has been a godsend! Over the past 14 months, I probably paid for his yacht and villa in France, but worth every friggin penny! Still though, I love my wife dearly, and I know she is in pain. But this course of action for her reprehensible behavior after all I went through is needed. Perhaps she will wake up and realize what she has lost.
carhill Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 If the IC has been effective, you should see some real benefits moving forward. Have you covered the concept of acceptance, where you accept your wife's behaviors, your love for her and your need to have healthy boundaries? You can enforce your boundaries with love, and even let her go, meaning divorce her, with love, because you accept that you and she are incompatible. If you were compatible, she wouldn't be having an EA and you'd be in MC together working to rebuild your love and your M. I hope the IC is covering this stuff.
Author Lumlum Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 I feel the benefits already. He is an excellent Psychologist. Not sure if we worked on the acceptance part of not yet, I think I still am in the shock of the affair stage (just learned about it 3 days ago). My therapist has discussed our compatibility, or lack thereof throughout treatment. So what you are saying is that couples that are compatible do not have EA? I am not sure I agree with you there. With regards to my boundries I haven't set them yet...I will now. I have totally kind and compassionate this whole time for the sake of her, and this is the thanks I get. I woke up this morning still hurting from the shock of this affair. How could she do this to me! Now i fear I will have trust issues with other women. Like the past 14 months of this difficult time hasn't been enough for me to cope with! She really played me boy. GODDAMIT! All this time I thought she was working on her own issues and giving me false hope with her mixed signals. NO, she was having an EA with some other guy in the next town from me AND i recently found out she was riding the train with him and god knows what else. So disillusioned!!
Gunny376 Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I feel the benefits already. He is an excellent Psychologist. Not sure if we worked on the acceptance part of not yet, I think I still am in the shock of the affair stage (just learned about it 3 days ago). My therapist has discussed our compatibility, or lack thereof throughout treatment. So what you are saying is that couples that are compatible do not have EA? I am not sure I agree with you there. With regards to my boundaries I haven't set them yet...I will now. I have totally kind and compassionate this whole time for the sake of her, and this is the thanks I get. I woke up this morning still hurting from the shock of this affair. How could she do this to me! Now i fear I will have trust issues with other women. Like the past 14 months of this difficult time hasn't been enough for me to cope with! She really played me boy. GODDAMIT! All this time I thought she was working on her own issues and giving me false hope with her mixed signals. NO, she was having an EA with some other guy in the next town from me AND i recently found out she was riding the train with him and god knows what else. So disillusioned!! First please learn how to use paragraph brakes. At least just break it up. Writing in one single message makes it hard to read. Second good on you for seeing a professional, I should have done it years upon years ago! I'm still crazy but its help me me from going insane. The AD's and anxiety drugs have calmed me down dramatically! Where I work at is one of those places that employ former inmates and they feared me Being a former Marine DI and career Marine. I came from back in the day when talking to a pscyh ~ anything was just a sign of weakness. Even to this day people where I live (rural Alabama) think it is so even a sign of being evil and of Satan! I was self medicating with alcohol, really bad! Fortunately my boss a former Vietnam Vet and retired Arny National Guard retired Master Sergeant called me in on the carpet on told me to either get help or get another job. Reluctantly I made an appointment with a psychologist and in conjunction with my MD was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD. Two months later? I've done a 180. My attitude and perspetive is 100% better and improved. Although I think my AD's (antidepressents ~ 150 mgs) are too strong as all I want to do is sleep all of the time. I've gone from not sleeping for days upon time, to doing noting but sleep all of the time. Lose the crazy wife ~ work on yourself and getting yourself better, She's not part of the solution? She's part of the problem! She's not part of the answer? She's part of the question!
carhill Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 OP, if you're interested in recovery, compatibility is essential. If divorce, irrelevant. I can't imagine a healthy recovery without compatibility, so that means that compatible people can (and do) have affairs and make inappropriate choices. The key is clarifying that. Both parties are required in that process. Do you see that happening here?
Passion4Life Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I feel the benefits already. He is an excellent Psychologist. Not sure if we worked on the acceptance part of not yet, I think I still am in the shock of the affair stage (just learned about it 3 days ago). My therapist has discussed our compatibility, or lack thereof throughout treatment. So what you are saying is that couples that are compatible do not have EA? I am not sure I agree with you there. With regards to my boundries I haven't set them yet...I will now. I have totally kind and compassionate this whole time for the sake of her, and this is the thanks I get. I woke up this morning still hurting from the shock of this affair. How could she do this to me! Now i fear I will have trust issues with other women. Like the past 14 months of this difficult time hasn't been enough for me to cope with! She really played me boy. GODDAMIT! All this time I thought she was working on her own issues and giving me false hope with her mixed signals. NO, she was having an EA with some other guy in the next town from me AND i recently found out she was riding the train with him and god knows what else. So disillusioned!! Before you tell her you are done , make sure you do let her know what you have gone through because of her actions , so that she at least accepts that she has caused this & not you . Best of luck
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 acceptance may get easier when you realize what the REALITY of your W is = a liar and a cheat. she is NOT the person you thought she was. when you accept this - it seems to get easier to deal in the reality of what you're dealing with, just for today. when you accept what and who she really is - treat her according to what she is... to treat her like a queen when she acts like a tramp is non sense. this woman betrayed you and your life and family. start treating her like she did. let HER own her bad behavior. do not pretend like all is well. tell her family. if she asks - tell her you are willing to tell the truth. the truth is - if she hadn't done this - there would be nothing to tell. let her deal with the fall out from what she has created. step aside and take care of yourself. life will change - it has the ability to get better - if you stay away from her crap and focus on taking care of yourself. she can deal with hers.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Carhill...on the compatibilty slant...what if the one compatible thing you were sure of was the raising of the children...even while living together and being married over 15yrs the only 'certain' compatiblity was raising the kids...but if the couple is currently separated (in my case) the separation has thrown a monkey wrench into that 'compatible' element further damaging the marriage...I now view my separation as the final nail in the 'coffin' of never getting back together (for me anyway)...I know this is off the current topic.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Carhill...on the compatibilty slant...what if the one compatible thing you were sure of was the raising of the children...even while living together and being married over 15yrs the only 'certain' compatiblity was raising the kids...but if the couple is currently separated (in my case) the separation has thrown a monkey wrench into that 'compatible' element further damaging the marriage...I now view my separation as the final nail in the 'coffin' of never getting back together (for me anyway)...I know this is off the current topic. if that compatibility is raising the children - and two parents have the kids best interest in mind - they can still raise the kids to the best of their ability without living in the same house.
Passion4Life Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 acceptance may get easier when you realize what the REALITY of your W is = a liar and a cheat. she is NOT the person you thought she was. when you accept this - it seems to get easier to deal in the reality of what you're dealing with, just for today. when you accept what and who she really is - treat her according to what she is... to treat her like a queen when she acts like a tramp is non sense. this woman betrayed you and your life and family. start treating her like she did. let HER own her bad behavior. do not pretend like all is well. tell her family. if she asks - tell her you are willing to tell the truth. the truth is - if she hadn't done this - there would be nothing to tell. let her deal with the fall out from what she has created. step aside and take care of yourself. life will change - it has the ability to get better - if you stay away from her crap and focus on taking care of yourself. she can deal with hers. excellent post 2sunny
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 ..and thanks 2Sunny...although the (separation) does make it harder at the moment it doesn't kill it (compatibility raising kids)..but it certainly is the final straw to what other issue were compatible (at least to me).
carhill Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 We'll need to do a compatibility thread, but, relevant to separation and EA's, essential compatibility between the partners is a completely separate issue and dynamic, IMO. IOW, we can act inappropriately and unhealthily but yet still be a compatible partner in our emotional styles, psychologies, and relationship styles. When we see couples who successfully recover from affairs, we're seeing examples of that. For myself, clarifying the aspects of compatiblity essential to relationship dynamics (this is not parenting style, life goals, etc) was key to deciding whether the M was worth continuing. Stbx and I *are* compatible in all the superficial ways, but not at the elemental emotional and psychological levels, and the 'bend' from each of us would be too great to be healthy. We tried. The OP hasn't yet had that opportunity because his W isn't focused on him, rather on her EA. After a year of MC, together, they'll know better. Up to them whether their M is worth it or not. Mine was.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 stop pretending - this should help to see the reality of what is ACTUALLY there. it starts to reveal the reality. something you have been unable to face for a good long time. what is the reality of what you're dealing with? is she making any effort for you, for the marriage? IF you stop making the effort - would anything actually be happening? or would it just come to a complete halt? or would she start making an effort if you weren't? we have no idea until you stop pretending and then tell us what that actually looks like. how much time and effort is she paying to this relationship? she may only be paying all of her attention to the other one... if she is - then there is no reason why you need to give 200% to the M when she's giving nothing... step back and see what she's giving - or not giving. that will be your reality check and it will tell you what to do or not to do. keep posting.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 2Sunny...just wanted to say thanks..you inadvertantly helped me with your 'stop pretending post'..that really is an easy way to sum up my situation (stepping back) which means (time to stop kidding myself for the moment anyhow.)..Carhill I see what you mean in the 'compatibilty' of the 'emotional' and 'psychological' aspect of a relationship..those being much deeper and more important than the 'superficial' ones..thanks...it sucks that I realize now where we are only compatible.
Author Lumlum Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Well, I had an interesting "run in" with my W yesterday while I was at the bank. It seems like she was opening up a 401K account and making a deposit. I haven't spoke to her since I called her out last week with the OM. I kept my cool that evening...and lost it in the bank lot. I was so angry I didn't care! I let her know how I felt with regards to the OM and the delusion behind it, my feelings, etc. I later regretted that I didn't take the high road, but I felt the need to let it out. After I was finished going off, she asked me one question "Why wasn't I good enough"? To this day, her self esteem is still shot. I explained to her how I worked thru those issues a long time ago, and how sorry I was (again) for making her feel that way all that time. Her feelings either changed for and doesn't know if she loves me anymore or the OM has clouded her judgement...maybe both. Woke up this morning heartbroken and very sad.
tojaz Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 After I was finished going off, she asked me one question "Why wasn't I good enough"? To this day, her self esteem is still shot. I explained to her how I worked thru those issues a long time ago, and how sorry I was (again) for making her feel that way all that time. Her feelings either changed for and doesn't know if she loves me anymore or the OM has clouded her judgement...maybe both. Woke up this morning heartbroken and very sad. Answer the question! Shes telling you what shes feeling, what shes dealing with right there. It isn't about you being sorry or working through your issues, its about her, and what she needs. The EA? Probably to feel good enough. I you want to understand, you need to answer the question, maybe not to her yet, but to yourself. TOJAZ
linwood Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 ..... In the past, I have hurt my wife's self esteem by looking at other women. During the course of therapy, I have realized why I did those things. My wife also went along with my ways and enabled my behavior. ..... This was a huge red flag. You cannot hurt a secure persons self-esteem by "looking" at other women. She has some massive self -esteem problems if this was a serious problem in your marriage. It`s likely she`ll spend her life trying to prop her esteem up doing crap like sleeping with other men, if this was really a serious issue with you two. I`m unsure why you`d even feel guilty about such a thing.
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