cira09 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I am a single mom with a 13 month old son. I left his dad when I was three months pregnant because he was abusive. He had supervised access for the first 9 months and we transitioned to unsupervised. He is court ordered to do monthly drug testing and fails them all. Twice now, my son has come back with oil/hash/thc stains on his clothes. I called Childrens aid who told me I have to take him back to court for supervised access...I don't know what to do? I need to protect my baby (and he is too young to talk to me) but quite frankly, I enjoy my Saturdays. That is "me" time! I work full-time don't get child support and soak up every evening and Sunday that I spend with my son and Saturdays is for me to clean my house, or hang out or just sit on my butt and do nothing! Not to mention he refuses to pay child support and my lawyer is quite expensive so it is going to cost me a lot of money to take him back to court. I am at a loss, I am sooo frustrated and I need to make sure I do the right thing for my son. NOT for me, and NOT for his dad, but for him. If he goes back to supervised visits his time with his son goes down to only 3 hours twice a week (right now he is doing 9 hours once a week). I am at a loss, I am stressed out and I don't know what the right decision is here. Any advice or thoughts? I could really use some support in helping me make this decision. thanks
sally4sara Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 What would happen if you were just not home when he came to pick your son up? He'd have to either bring a police escort - something that could bring heat on him or at least empty his pockets of whatever substance he was currently holding. Or take you to court where you will point out he pays no child support and cannot pass a piss test. Save the drug stained clothes for this reason. This is too important to preserve your Saturday alone time. Before you know it, he will be old enough to help or at least better at adding entertainment to your life in a larger way. Do you want him already knowing how to roll a joint and clear a bong by then?
hurtandheartbroken Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 If he's failing these tests ordered by court, why is he still allowed to have visitation unsupervised?? Take pictures, save clothing, document everything you can. I know it is expensive but it may come down to you having to go to court again for your son's sake. Or yes, miss that visitation period and be taken to court where you can raise your concern...beware, knowing how screwed the court system can be, doing that can be a violation that can be negatively affecting you, even though your reasoning was proven to be sufficient.
txsilkysmoothe Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Seriously? You will leave your son in the care of a drug user so that you can have "me" time? A baby with a contact high, great. Ask for help from family and friends so you can de-stress. I was in a similar situation. I told my son's father I wasn't going to allow him visitation. You can do the same. You don't have to take him to court - just say NO! He will have to take you to court if he wants to fight you're decision. Is he going to do that knowing that the child support issue will come up? I doubt it. If indeed he is a drug user, seems to me there is a good chance he will be high any time he shows up for visitation. Is he going to call the police in that condition to force visitation? I doubt it. You should be willing to violate a court order if it means protecting your child. Move, disappear!
bentnotbroken Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Something seems off about this story. How does a person who fails court ordered drug tests end up with visitation and not jail time?
pureinheart Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Something seems off about this story. How does a person who fails court ordered drug tests end up with visitation and not jail time? You'd be surprised Bent, the court system is way overloaded and operating in confusion. Basically we have too many "rules" and too many "breaking rules" and not enough people to maintain them. Maybe this could be due to it being a non violent crime. OP: How do you know it's THC? By the odor? Also, if I remember correctly, with him not paying CS I don't think he has visitation rights. My heart goes out to you...even when I was married, I still did not get much help anyway, although I was in your sitch and do understand you needing time to yourself. If it's any consolation, and I'm not complaining due to being compensated very well, although a normal work week for me was 60-70 hrs...a forty hour week was a vacation...lol Time will go quickly and before you know it he will be able to be left alone at times (meaning teen years). I know it sounds cold, although trust me on this one, alone my time will come sooner than you think and you'll wish he was there!
pureinheart Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 What would happen if you were just not home when he came to pick your son up? He'd have to either bring a police escort - something that could bring heat on him or at least empty his pockets of whatever substance he was currently holding. Or take you to court where you will point out he pays no child support and cannot pass a piss test. Save the drug stained clothes for this reason. This is too important to preserve your Saturday alone time. Before you know it, he will be old enough to help or at least better at adding entertainment to your life in a larger way. Do you want him already knowing how to roll a joint and clear a bong by then? Please OP, I am not making light of your sitch...but Sally this is sooooo true. This struck me funny, sorry...k... Sally, my friend in HS was dating a guy out of school and had a six year old son...her family was extremely pissed due to his age...we heard that he was blowing Angel Dust smoke into his kids face. Now I know this sounds bad, but this is how I grew up...we took care of our own stuff per se...my friends brother beat the hell out of him and I think he quit smoking Angel Dust.
bentnotbroken Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 You'd be surprised Bent, the court system is way overloaded and operating in confusion. Basically we have too many "rules" and too many "breaking rules" and not enough people to maintain them. Maybe this could be due to it being a non violent crime. OP: How do you know it's THC? By the odor? Also, if I remember correctly, with him not paying CS I don't think he has visitation rights. My heart goes out to you...even when I was married, I still did not get much help anyway, although I was in your sitch and do understand you needing time to yourself. If it's any consolation, and I'm not complaining due to being compensated very well, although a normal work week for me was 60-70 hrs...a forty hour week was a vacation...lol Time will go quickly and before you know it he will be able to be left alone at times (meaning teen years). I know it sounds cold, although trust me on this one, alone my time will come sooner than you think and you'll wish he was there! I actually am not surprised by the court system. I am very aware of the inner workings for quite some time. Failed court ordered drug tests, at least in my area, aren't dismissed so easily, especially when children are involved. Now that's when everything goes to hell fast...when the children are actually removed.
pureinheart Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I actually am not surprised by the court system. I am very aware of the inner workings for quite some time. Failed court ordered drug tests, at least in my area, aren't dismissed so easily, especially when children are involved. Now that's when everything goes to hell fast...when the children are actually removed. It's bad here...in fact a guy my daughter works with has been trying to get his daughter (through the court system)...the mother is obviously unfit. I told my daughter unless there is a needle hanging out of her arm, he doesn't stand a chance. Unless it is a violent crime it is thrown under the carpet...the court dockets are overflowing.
Author cira09 Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Thank you for everyone's opinion. We are actually going to court on Friday already for the child support issue, so I am meeting with my lawyer on Tuesday to bring the pants and do affadavits as evidence. The court system is quite funny, they are aware he is failing his drug tests and keep giving him mor echances (he keeps saying he will try to quit)....obviously after 14 months he is not going to. I did cancel his visit yesterday, and he showed up at the police station in a tiffy trying to have me arrested and to have my son removed from my car. Butthe police - in their words - "shoowed him away!"...They couldn't help him. I feel the same way about the drugs and dont' fully understand the system, I am starting to get a good feel for it now though, seeing how I have been in court almost every month since July fighting this issue. The judges keep giving him chance, after chance, after chance but I think he is finally out of chances (my lawyer thinks he "shot himself in the foot" this time)...we will see. I never know what to expect, and never know what a judge will do. But what I do know, is I can't keep having my 4 month old son coming home with drug stains on him ( I know his oil/tHC for 2 reasons..first he fails his drug tests and THC is the drug he fails. Secondly, I had the first sleeper tested and it came back positive for THC...and also I lived with him for 8 months and all he did was smoke oil/hash/weed!) Thanks again, I guess I just needed some confirmation that other parents feel the same way that I do about the drugs. Life as a mom is not about me, but I do enjoy my "me time"...hopefully after this his dad will sober up and stop doing the drugs and we can't go forward (instead of backwards) with his visits!!!My son needs his dad, but a drugged up drunk dad is not a good dad or influence on him. and NO I dont' want him to know how to roll a dubie or even to know what that is??? That's what is frustrating, his dad doesn't seem to care
bentnotbroken Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Please keep us updated. I am very interested in what happens.
Author cira09 Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 Well I have to say that I STRONGLY disagree with Mr. Harrisson's comment... just thought I would provide an update to all of those who have lost faith in the system, justice does prevail in the end. Lieing, cheating, manipulating etc only get you so far. Drugs should NOT be around babies and the judge, in my case, agreed. Also, I found 4 other shirts with drug stains on them that I didn't even notice (well the father probably washed them out, but they always turn yellowish/greenish when the clothes are washed. You can't wash them out no matter how hard you try) My son's father has been order supervised visits until he is sober for 6 months and was ordered to pay child support retroactive to the day my son was born. I offered his mom to supervise on holidays and special occassions (and the judge ordered it) so that my sons' father can see him on holidays - he is his dad and despite everything, my son does deserve to know him and share the special days in the year with myself and him. so hopefully my court days are over, and my sons dad is cyber stalking me, so unfortunately I can't comeback to this forum (amongst many many others..he must have hacked my computer or something...not too sure) thanks for the posts and comments I really appreciate them.
Author cira09 Posted June 5, 2010 Author Posted June 5, 2010 sorry, I disagree with "mr watsons comment"
Feelin Frisky Posted June 5, 2010 Posted June 5, 2010 If this dude is required to pass drug tests and regularly fails them, there is a paper trail that would back you up in just about any court of keeping this dude away from you son. So find some way to get some "me time" with someone trustworthy. Daddy might have some privileges when he strings together a good 6 months or so of solid abstinence.
ADF Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Why isn't your ex-husband not in jail for not paying child support?
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Well i suggest you that be calm and quite for sake of your son. If you really love your son then keep him always happy and you to be happy when your son meets his father. Its a fact that a single mother can never give a warmth of a farther. ----------------- C'mon ... the child is only 13 months old, and his father takes drugs!!
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Why isn't your ex-husband not in jail for not paying child support? --------------------- And why do you have to give visitation, with him not paying child support..
ADF Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 --------------------- And why do you have to give visitation, with him not paying child support.. Actually, denying visitation as retaliation for not paying child support is illegal. There are legal remedies available to parents who are denied child support. Limiting visitation isn't one of them.
sally4sara Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Why isn't your ex-husband not in jail for not paying child support? This really doesn't happen often. No one can really make someone be responsible for a child. And if they are in jail, the option for them to start to be responsible is gone. If I let my son just wander around scrapping for food in rags, they'd take him from me. I'd go to jail sure, but he's go in foster care. A non custodial and uninvolved parent doesn't have the kid for it to be taken away. If they don't care, they just don't care.
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Actually, denying visitation as retaliation for not paying child support is illegal. There are legal remedies available to parents who are denied child support. Limiting visitation isn't one of them. ----------------- I know of a girl who has never encouraged or asked for child support - worked two jobs - just so the convict sperm would not have a part of their lives.. It worked.
Ariadne Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 I lived with him for 8 months and all he did was smoke oil/hash/weed! Ok.... My son's father has been order supervised visits until he is sober for 6 months and was ordered to pay child support retroactive to the day my son was born. !!! I did cancel his visit yesterday, and he showed up at the police station in a tiffy !!! If this dude is required to pass drug tests and regularly fails them, there is a paper trail that would back you up in just about any court of keeping this dude away from you son. !!! OMG (And for weed! )
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Ok.... !!! !!! !!! OMG (And for weed! ) ------------------ Regardless, I wouldn't want to trust my baby with someone that I didn't have faith in .. Be careful what you mate with ..
Ariadne Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 Be careful what you mate with .. That's where she should have started and not create all these troubles for the guy now.
califnan Posted June 10, 2010 Posted June 10, 2010 That's where she should have started and not create all these troubles for the guy now. ----------------- Ari .. You could be the man's sister .. The child is only 13 mos .. this has probably been going on for months .. He pays no child support .. yet calls the cops between puffs when he can't see the baby .. Who is causing problems for who ?? I will give it All to a woman who chooses to go forward with childbirth and raising / supporting her child - even though the sperm may be an inappropriate father / mate.
Angel1111 Posted June 11, 2010 Posted June 11, 2010 Seriously? You will leave your son in the care of a drug user so that you can have "me" time? A baby with a contact high, great. Ask for help from family and friends so you can de-stress. I was in a similar situation. I told my son's father I wasn't going to allow him visitation. You can do the same. You don't have to take him to court - just say NO! He will have to take you to court if he wants to fight you're decision. Is he going to do that knowing that the child support issue will come up? I doubt it. If indeed he is a drug user, seems to me there is a good chance he will be high any time he shows up for visitation. Is he going to call the police in that condition to force visitation? I doubt it. You should be willing to violate a court order if it means protecting your child. Move, disappear! Amen sis-ta! The first time I ever saw drugs on or anywhere near my child would be the last time his father would see me or him. Stop letting this numbskull keep engaging you in battle. The court systems are completely ridiculous and they rarely deal with the real issues. It's disgusting and they need a major overhaul. You, on the other hand, do control things to a large extent. Once this child support issue is cleared up, then move away so far from this idiot that it makes it really difficult for him to see you or the child. 'Me time' is great but it's not a priority over your child's well-being.
Recommended Posts