My gf works as a server and it makes me uncomfortable - LONG!

[mani81]

My gf works as a server at an irish pub/restaurant. There have been a few things that have made me uncomfortable.

 

The first was when at a party she got into a play fight with a male coworker in front of me. He swore at her and then she ran over to him and initiated physical contact. After around 10 seconds of punching and wrestling it ended with him wrapping his arms around her to subdue her. Then we got into a big fight after on whether play fighting is considered flirting. She made up a bunch of dumb excuses like "he's like a brother so they fight like brothers and sisters" (even though they're not close friends), and that "if she didn't stick up for herself he would continue to call he names" (how old is she lol?) Then she said it wasn't flirting because she didn't intend it to be. She said everyone at her restaurant said play fighting between close male and female friends isn't flirting. And she agreed with them. Even though she admitted if roles were reversed and I had done the same scenario with a female coworker of mine she would have been upset. Then she placed blame on him for wrapping his arms around her even though she was the one to initiate contact. That was the first time I had hung around her and her coworkers and after that incident (which I almost broke up with her over) I had my antennas up. I thought maybe my boundaries were different than hers. Before she met me it seemed like all her friends and life basically revolved around her job. I think her maturity was stunted by the influence of the restaurant she was working in.

 

So fast-forward a month or so. She said there was a guy that worked as a cook and when she would go into the kitchen he would make comments about her butt looking good. I asked if this bothered her at all. She said she told him she has a bf and that he should stop. I told her that what he was doing was sexual harassment and that if it truly bothered her she should tell a manager and that it would stop. She was against that and said, "it would be bad karma to get another person fired." I was like, "Uh.. does someone have to physically assault you for you to be more proactive..?" I asked her what if a manager groped her.. what would she do? She said, "Well... It's not like I could prove it happened in court..." This bothered me. I wish she was more proactive. She also refused to let me talk to the guy or even know his name, for fear that I could get her in trouble. I asked her if it truly bothered her and that say she was single would she care. She said if she was single she'd probably just "shrug his comments off."

 

Fast forward another month. My gf was upset because she said there was a rumor floating around her work that "she had cheated on her boyfriend." Now, this was weird to me because I don't even know anyone from her job or even visit the restaurant ever... It just seemed like an odd rumor to just pop up. After a few days she said she found out who it was and that "she bitched him out and won't talk to him anymore." I asked what it was about and she said "a male coworker of hers spread a rumor of hooking up with her because he wanted attention." I asked what this guy's name was and she wouldn't tell me. She said she handled it herself and that she didn't want me getting her in trouble at work. I said what's the harm in me calling the guy or seeing him outside her work and telling him to lay off messing with my gf or something..? But she was resolute. Wouldn't tell me his name or number.

 

Then I told her what he did to her was sexual harassment and that she even has the texts from him if she needed to prove it. But she refused to pursue any of that. She says she already handled it.

 

Lastly, on my birthday I got a text from an unknown number that just said "happy birthday." My gf asked who is that? And judging from the area code I kind of knew who it was. It was a girl I had a short fling with a year before. Like not even bf/gf. Just a one night stand. And I told my gf that I don't talk to this person anymore and even deleted them off my facebook friends when we started dating (my current gf and i). And that I wouldn't reply to the text and just deleted it. She was still giving me hell about it and I said, "well why don't we check your phone and see how free of exes you are then..?" She said, "Fine." Sure enough she had a saved text from her ex-bf of 3 years and she even had his contact info still on her phone. The text was just a hello but it was from the time my gf and i had been together for a couple months.

 

And she's the one that is so jealous of exes she says we can't use ex names at all, ever. Even though she says she stayed good friends with her ex of 3 years for years after they broke up. And had quite a few exes as facebook friends. And she currently even works alongside a guy she dated for over a year! So she sees him almost every other day. Yet if I just bring up one of my past exes names (and it's not like I do it very ofter; and every time I ever have, it's always been in putting them in a bad light) she throws a stink fit.

 

The point I'm getting at here is when we were looking at her phone together she had texts from yet another guy coworker (one of her better friends there). It was from around the time her and I were a couple for a month and a half. He sent things like "sweet dreams sweetie" and "I wanna nap w u." at like 1 a.m. I confronted her about it and she said, "well it's the restaurant industry..." Then she said, "Oh, well he talks to all the girls like that..." I said I still thought it was inappropriate and she agreed. I asked her if a girl had send those things to me if she would be upset and she said, "oh yeah." She said whenever he says stuff like that to her she always tells him to stop and that she has a bf (I guess he's a habitual offender; I also see her more like the type to laugh it off than tell him to stop). So a bit later she said that "that's the reason I don't hang around him anymore." (yet she invited him to come to a waterpark with her and I just a week prior. So that didn't make sense). So her excuses went from restaurant industry -> That's how he is with everyone -> I always tell him to stop -> I don't even hang around him anymore.

 

I told her she seemed willing to shun him now that she saw that I was upset about how he talked to her and didn't respect our relationship. I said I wished she would have been that way on her own accord and that it wouldn't take me to finding out things for her to then be "offended by his behavior."

 

Last thing on the restaurant industry - When we first went out she would tell me she had to flirt to make good tips. Then a month later or so she would say she didn't flirt, she enticed. Or something like that. Then nowadays she says she used to flirt with people before she had a boyfriend but doesn't now. I just take her word for it. Not that it should even bug me that much (that's getting pretty nitpicky) but my gf is the type that if even a girl glances at me she gets super jealous. So I know if roles were reversed she would be upset with me lol.

 

Yes, long story. Basically my gf's work makes me uncomfortable. It seems like all the guys she works with are creepers and I'm not sure if my gf enjoys getting too much attention (for my liking) from people or not. I also wish she were more proactive in putting people in their place when they do things that I consider are sexual harassment.

[brainygirl]

Restaurant and bars or restaurants that serve booze are notorious for flirting, fraternization and sexual harassment/playing. People either like it and go along with it or they leave and find a better job.

 

sounds like she has no sense of boundaries at work. also sounds like you need to either trust her or dump her, but asking her to quit a job is unreasonable.

[mani81]

Oh, no. At no point would I want her to quit her job for me or my worries! I just imagine our personalities/boundary levels might be different so we just don't click on a level that I find important. She has a college degree but she has expressed interest in staying a server her whole life.

[yellowfever]

hey buddy i work in the industry and this sounds like pretty standard behavior. I'll make the assumption she's is good looking... so i'd say get comfortable with this behavior or else you'll alienate her and push her towards the flirty guys at work.

 

You should trust her and be happy that you have a hot gf that is committed to you and have fun! Otherwise ditch her and save some face lol

[You Go Girl]

You're sweating the small stuff. Chastising her over this stuff could have the effect of pushing her to those guys, yep.

She likes attention. She wouldn't get all this attention if she didn't. And yes, it is standard to flirt in the restaurant business, as I was a server in my college days, eons ago.

It's just flirting. It's a way to pass the time. It's a way to get a smile when the work is tedious and difficult.

We didn't have cell phones back then. But the "i'd like to nap with u" text does bother me a little. That's beyond flirting at work, that's after work, which does seem different to me.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Go back and read your other threads. All of them. The problem isn't the 'creepers'. It is the fact that your girlfriend apparently places validation from other men ahead of your need to feel secure in the relationship.

 

This has been going on for a while now, in the exact same way. What you are doing isn't working for you. Have you considered that since she clearly isn't going to change, that the only changes to make are with you?

 

Your choices are pretty limited. You can either learn to stuff your feelings down deep and look the other way, or you can accept that while this might be a relationship you want, it isn't really going to work out in a way that will make you feel happy or secure and it is probably time to look at ending it.

[carhill]

OP, if she had an enlightened and comparable attitude about your contact with the opposite gender, I might opine balance. As it is, this is a one-way black hole into her power base. I suggest you get out now while there's some poop left in your engines. Good luck

[mani81]

You're sweating the small stuff. Chastising her over this stuff could have the effect of pushing her to those guys, yep.

She likes attention. She wouldn't get all this attention if she didn't. And yes, it is standard to flirt in the restaurant business, as I was a server in my college days, eons ago.

It's just flirting. It's a way to pass the time. It's a way to get a smile when the work is tedious and difficult.

We didn't have cell phones back then. But the "i'd like to nap with u" text does bother me a little. That's beyond flirting at work, that's after work, which does seem different to me.

 

I would prefer to not be with a girl that needs attention from guys (pretty much all of her friends were guys when I met her) and that flirts often.

[mani81]

This is my rebuttal to myself kind of giving her a little benefit of the doubt. Now, everytime I've gotten after her she seems to remedy it. The text was from months ago and her phone isn't nearly as active as when we were first going out. Also, she's said that she doesn't touch guys at work anymore.

 

My thing is that I know she is insecure and must enjoy attention. While I'm sure she's matured a bit in our relationship I wounder if she can be this type of person for the long run, or if it's kind of a temporary quick fix..? I know you can't change people's personalities but at the same time people can grow and mature... So I'm still uncomfortable with her work environment. I haven't seen how she interacts with her coworkers so I just would have to give her the benefit of the doubt. But everytime she's gotten correcting it's because I had to catch her red handed and show her what she was doing was not appropriate.

[mani81]

I think you are being pretty anal Mani. Wanting to ruin someones livelihood for telling your girlfriend she had a nice ass is a pretty ****ty thing to do. All your whining about sexual harrassment when no physical touching is going on is also pretty uptight and annoying of you.

 

If the guy knows she has a bf and is still going to make sexual remarks to her then, no, I really don't care if he gets fired. In all the work places I've ever been in I've never said things like that to women. Mature adults should know how to act.