Hazyhead Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I've over 10 weeks NC. Every day does get easier... mostly... at least every day I more sure that I am better without him in my life. I have escaped a ton of further stress and strain, and that would have been if it would have 'worked out' for him and me. Anyway, my question is, his last message to me was to say goodbye (we had had a couple of those in the past). He was respectful (even though it was in the form of an email) and kind but it still made me mad... but that was for other reasons. I didn't respond to him at the time, and just thought I wouldn't, because I couldn't bring myself to write an honest, genuine farewell message. I'm at the place now where I could, but I feel it might set me back and I do NOT want to open communication again. So... oh yeh, the question: will I regret not responding to the farewell message? Has anybody else just decided enough and not responded and been ok with it? It's getting to me today, it seems.
ladydesigner Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (((Hazyhead))) God there must be something going on in the universe. I have been fighting the urge to make contact lately and have been missing my XOM for some reason. I have been 9 months NC. We all know NC is the best way to go and I do think if you respond there is a chance it could set you back. Do what is best for you whether that means sending your own farewell message or not. I understand exactly where you are.
jj33 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for getting through 10 weeks of NC and being able to see taste and feel how much better your life has been without him in it. Now what would responding do for you? NOTHING Hed still be married. Youd be "back in touch" because your response would invite a response on his part if only to say thanks how are you doing. And then poof no more NC. You gave him your heart your love your everything while you were together. He knows. No need. Stay strong
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Don't reply. Write something out, to help ease you, but don't send it. As you said, you're better off without him in your life, and you've been doing great! Why ruin things and open that door again? He may respond, or call, ask to see you .. To talk .. Nope, stick to what you're doing now and continue to heal, and be happy.
jthorne Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Write it and post it here. The emotional cost won't be worth sending it to him. Plus, he may have moved on in his healing as well. Why tear both scabs off, kwim?
ladydesigner Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Write it and post it here. The emotional cost won't be worth sending it to him. Plus, he may have moved on in his healing as well. Why tear both scabs off, kwim? This is great jthorne. Very true. Stick to NC. I am telling myself the same...every single day. Hang in there sweetie!!!
Author Hazyhead Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Thanks guys. He's actually moved out now but he couldn't cope with the mother of his child hating me and all the tension that would come with that. Nor could I have coped with that as I'd want a man who sticks up for me and puts me first. So... there was the clash. It would have be so hard however we'd have done it. I am better now and enjoying life. I just thought before it gets to the point where it would be far too late to do so. I think it would pick off the scabs (nice metaphor JT - I was always a scab picker! ) and I don't want to step back.
crazycatlady Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Hazyhead - This is a little weird but hear me out.... Because you are ready to say goodbye, I think you should. But not to him. You don't want to open that door up. But there are several ways to say goodbye. Because what I think you are really wanting to do is allowing yourself to let him out of your heart and out of your life forever. You can write it on a helium balloon (or put a message saying goodbye inside) and let it sail off. Not great for the enviroment but so many go that way anyway..... You could write it on a piece of paper and light it on fire and watch it burn and let him go with it. You could make a little paper boat and let it go in a stream. Paper will eventually degrade. The reason for the physical acts of good bye is to take the place of the one you can't have with him. And its to give you something solid to focus on why you are saying goodbye. CCL
Author Hazyhead Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 That's a sweet idea CCL. I think you're right; i want to do it but I don't at the same time... I'll probably sleep on it. I might do both! (Post here and have a little personal ceremony that is... Not write to him )
ladydesigner Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Hazyhead - This is a little weird but hear me out.... Because you are ready to say goodbye, I think you should. But not to him. You don't want to open that door up. But there are several ways to say goodbye. Because what I think you are really wanting to do is allowing yourself to let him out of your heart and out of your life forever. You can write it on a helium balloon (or put a message saying goodbye inside) and let it sail off. Not great for the enviroment but so many go that way anyway..... You could write it on a piece of paper and light it on fire and watch it burn and let him go with it. You could make a little paper boat and let it go in a stream. Paper will eventually degrade. The reason for the physical acts of good bye is to take the place of the one you can't have with him. And its to give you something solid to focus on why you are saying goodbye. CCL Wow this is beautiful CCL. I love this idea.
wheelwright Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I've over 10 weeks NC. Every day does get easier... mostly... at least every day I more sure that I am better without him in my life. I have escaped a ton of further stress and strain, and that would have been if it would have 'worked out' for him and me. Anyway, my question is, his last message to me was to say goodbye (we had had a couple of those in the past). He was respectful (even though it was in the form of an email) and kind but it still made me mad... but that was for other reasons. I didn't respond to him at the time, and just thought I wouldn't, because I couldn't bring myself to write an honest, genuine farewell message. I'm at the place now where I could, but I feel it might set me back and I do NOT want to open communication again. So... oh yeh, the question: will I regret not responding to the farewell message? Has anybody else just decided enough and not responded and been ok with it? It's getting to me today, it seems. You won't regret staying NC. It can after all be changed one day. You may regret breaking it, which can't. (((hugs))) hazyhead
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Let me get this str8 Ladydesigner..did you post it has been 9 MONTHS of NO CONTACT?!...I'd say what is there to contact at that point.
wheelwright Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Let me get this str8 Ladydesigner..did you post it has been 9 MONTHS of NO CONTACT?!...I'd say what is there to contact at that point. You'd be surprised...
Author Hazyhead Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 As you may know, I've gone back and forth about responding to his goodby message for the past few months. Long story short, I've just responded. I feel kinda low and a bit set back (weird writing his name again, etc.) but I think I needed to do it to let go, otherwise I might always have had the 'maybe' hanging over me. I kept my message very brief, over email, explained why I hadn't written sooner, apologised for my part and wished him well. Just hurts a bit right now but I'm sure I'll get back on track soon. Thanks to all those who gave advice.
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I had made what I considered a very nice, honest, explanation before his final message. Considering that I felt mine said everything, I was prepared to not respond to his no matter what it said .. I let him have the last word - and never looked back - and resting on my original.
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 As you may know, I've gone back and forth about responding to his goodby message for the past few months. Long story short, I've just responded. I feel kinda low and a bit set back (weird writing his name again, etc.) but I think I needed to do it to let go, otherwise I might always have had the 'maybe' hanging over me. I kept my message very brief, over email, explained why I hadn't written sooner, apologised for my part and wished him well. Just hurts a bit right now but I'm sure I'll get back on track soon. Thanks to all those who gave advice. --------------------- Just read this, after I posted my last. You did what you needed to do in being polite and explaining further for closure.
Author Hazyhead Posted June 8, 2010 Author Posted June 8, 2010 I understand what you mean cali; it was a need for closure. Before his final message mine had been something completely meaningless about my day and just gibbered on. But now I've said goodbye and hopefully will move on fully. I couldn't respond earlier, I think, because of the anger I felt... but that's lighter now, so I can leave it on, as far as I'm concerned, a positive note and genunine good wishes. I don't think I've ever said goodbye, or lost, anyone important in my life. Perhaps that's partly why I had no idea what to do. To me it seemed odd to be so involved with someone and then just... not be, no farewell or anything.
califnan Posted June 8, 2010 Posted June 8, 2010 I agree Hazy .. It's not our way to go out of our way to be mean.. I think that's why many fall into the relationships (and stay in them) to begin with.. I knew I would regret it if I didn't end on a good note.. So for months I backed away in the spirit .. and inside of me .. Preparing myself for completely leaving.. It was easier for me because he took two long trips out of country just months apart .. So in preparing myself to take leave - I put together what I considered the most Gracious, honest statement .. was so proud of it .. ha .. I think of him from time to time - but to never look back .. I have gotten myself back - and strength..
Recommended Posts