Lizzie Me Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I've dated this guy for several months. We got to talking about our histories yesterday. He's had only two girlfriends and is still a virgin. We are 34 for chrissake. I've had ten long term relationships. I prayed and cried about it last night and I have to break up. He's a superb guy but we are in different places in our lives. How do I let him down gently?
paleblue Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I've dated this guy for several months. We got to talking about our histories yesterday. He's had only two girlfriends and is still a virgin. We are 34 for chrissake. I've had ten long term relationships. I prayed and cried about it last night and I have to break up. He's a superb guy but we are in different places in our lives. How do I let him down gently? 34 and is still a virgin?? uggg. not saying there is anything wrong with that, but ya, for christsake. not sure you can do it without hurting some feelings here. i guess maybe you should tell him what you already have said here: you are a great guy i just feel like we are in different places in our lives. keep it simple. no matter what you say its going to feel funny. but better now than to continue with it. thats my two cents. good luck! let us know how it goes.
St. Nick Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 You can't let him down gently. How you let him down depends on his reaction. You've just got to tell him you don't want a relationship with him. That's all. No beating around the bush b.s.
You'reasian Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 You can't let him down gently. How you let him down depends on his reaction. You've just got to tell him you don't want a relationship with him. That's all. No beating around the bush b.s. Agreed. Just tell him you're not looking for a relationship.
Author Lizzie Me Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) I told him his inexperience is okay and said we were all that way once. I lied and it's not okay and I feel guilt. I talked with my best girlfriends and they all said they would drop him. I can't do it face to face. Which way is better to go? Phone or email? Edited May 21, 2010 by Lizzie Me
USMCHokie Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Another vote for direct and straightforward. I don't understand why you're so concerned with being gentle about it...you don't have to save face or anything if you're not going to see him again...
You'reasian Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I told him his inexperience is okay and said we were all that way once. I lied and it's not okay and I feel guilt. I talked with my best girlfriends and they all said they would drop him. I can't do it face to face. Which way is better to go? Phone or email? Face to face, but here's how you say it. "I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment and need to move on until I can be in the right place to do this" Best of luck!
Author Lizzie Me Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Another vote for direct and straightforward. I don't understand why you're so concerned with being gentle about it...you don't have to save face or anything if you're not going to see him again... He is the best boyfriend I've had...except for his inexperience. Everyone I know had more at 20.
Author Lizzie Me Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Face to face, but here's how you say it. "I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment and need to move on until I can be in the right place to do this" Best of luck! I'm sorry. I can't do it face to face. I'm too scared.
Lakeside_runner Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I'm sorry but why do you care how many guys/girls everyone has had before? You say he's the best BF you've ever had (module his inexperience)... I just can't get it how is that a deal breaker at the age of 34? Really - there isn't more to life than sex at that point? OK, being a virgin at the age of 34 is a little odd in general, yet if you've dated for several months already, him being still a virgin is a little odd as well.
You'reasian Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) He is the best boyfriend I've had...except for his inexperience. Everyone I know had more at 20. How do you know how many relationships your bf has had? Women he's been with? I've only been with one woman, but we just kissed...well, because I'm Asian and she was Asian....you know how shy we are.... Do you believe me? Edited May 21, 2010 by You'reasian
O'Malley Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Are you still attracted to him, despite your hesitancy about his inexperience? Or has the chemistry been waning overall? Since he sounds like a pretty good guy, I'm wondering if he explained why he hasn't been sexually involved (especially with you). Unless someone has been abusive towards you or a major a**, I feel you owe them the courtesy of a phone call. Avoid explanations such as "not ready for a relationship" or "needing space" -- it could lead him to believe that he still has a chance with you. Keep the conversation brief, and do not be brutally honest or go into detail about your actual reasons. Let him know that you feel that you are incompatible with each other, the chemistry is not there on your part, and that you think it's best if both of you moved on.
Author Lizzie Me Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 I'm more confused than ever. My best girlfriend and I just talked and she says I should give him a chance and he texted me telling me how much he loves me. No boyfriend has even been that sweet. I'm soooo emotional. What should I do?
Cracker Jack Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) Well, it's clear his lack of experience sealed his fate with you, so you really should just tell him you can't continue on with it. Why are you scared? Better to tell him now than to wait and make things even more painful. It's unfortunate for him, though. Honesty can suck at times. Edit: What is your heart telling you? Is it telling you to overlook his inexperience and accept him for who he is? Or is it saying the opposite? Either way, you have to come to a decision at some point. Edited May 21, 2010 by Cracker Jack
Author Lizzie Me Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Are you still attracted to him, despite your hesitancy about his inexperience? Or has the chemistry been waning overall? Since he sounds like a pretty good guy, I'm wondering if he explained why he hasn't been sexually involved (especially with you). Unless someone has been abusive towards you or a major a**, I feel you owe them the courtesy of a phone call. Avoid explanations such as "not ready for a relationship" or "needing space" -- it could lead him to believe that he still has a chance with you. Keep the conversation brief, and do not be brutally honest or go into detail about your actual reasons. Let him know that you feel that you are incompatible with each other, the chemistry is not there on your part, and that you think it's best if both of you moved on. Our chemistry is outstanding and I'm attracted to him. I love him. He sent another love text now. I don't know what I'm thinking.
Lakeside_runner Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Our chemistry is outstanding and I'm attracted to him. I love him. He sent another love text now. I don't know what I'm thinking. So what is wrong...? Honestly? Yes - you should break up with him. And not because he's inexperienced but because he shouldn't be with someone who doesn't know what they want. This whole thread made me so angry! AAARGGHHHH!!! :mad::mad: And then you don't even have the guts to tell him that in person! Who the hell are you?!?!?!?! What a freakin' mess...
You'reasian Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) You've clearly stated your indifference over a guy who you have great chemistry with but whose inexperience seems to be a deal breaker? Let's play Devil's Advocate... Would you have the same dillema with a guy who doesn't treat you well, has banged alot of women, sometimes in strange locations, has dated over 20 women and is currently seeing 2 other women while being with you? This is what guys mean by saying women like bad guys. Edited May 21, 2010 by You'reasian
O'Malley Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) Our chemistry is outstanding and I'm attracted to him. I love him. He sent another love text now. I don't know what I'm thinking. What did he have to say about his lack of experience? Or did he say anything at all, besides what he told you? Since he offered the information, there's nothing wrong with discussing this with him more, before you make any decision. I just wouldn't run out on a good relationship until you've talked with him, and not focus so much on comparing him to other guys. Edited May 21, 2010 by O'Malley
Left in a Lurch Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Our chemistry is outstanding and I'm attracted to him. I love him. He sent another love text now. I don't know what I'm thinking. Do him a favor and let him find someone better than you. It's not like he can't learn and to judge him on that is pretty lame. He might be the best you've ever had. I'd say from the 10 long term relationships you've had it signals you can't commit and keep anyone for the long term.
Woggle Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Do it now before you really break his heart down the road.
Author Lizzie Me Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 So what is wrong...? Honestly? Yes - you should break up with him. And not because he's inexperienced but because he shouldn't be with someone who doesn't know what they want. This whole thread made me so angry! AAARGGHHHH!!! :mad::mad: And then you don't even have the guts to tell him that in person! Who the hell are you?!?!?!?! What a freakin' mess... I called my pastor who I've known since I was a baby. I told him what has happened. We talked and he was blunt with me. I'm the immature one and I, not my dear boyfriend need to mature. I'm staying with my boyfriend because he is what I want and am not wavering. I'm soooo sorry.
Cracker Jack Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Good for you, then. Hope it all works out for ya.
ADF Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I've dated this guy for several months. We got to talking about our histories yesterday. He's had only two girlfriends and is still a virgin. We are 34 for chrissake. I've had ten long term relationships. I prayed and cried about it last night and I have to break up. He's a superb guy but we are in different places in our lives. How do I let him down gently? There is no way to let anyone down gently. Being rejected hurts, period. There is no way to dump someone painlessly. In the case of this man, it will be even worse than usual because he has done nothing wrong. His only crime is being inexperienced.
Lakeside_runner Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I called my pastor who I've known since I was a baby. I told him what has happened. We talked and he was blunt with me. I'm the immature one and I, not my dear boyfriend need to mature. I'm staying with my boyfriend because he is what I want and am not wavering. I'm soooo sorry. Now, think about what your pastor said! And next time you see your BF make something special for him! Geeezzz...
Woggle Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 In a year or two this guy will posting on LS heartbroken because she broke it off with him or did something worse. Why are people encouraging her to prolong his pain instead of just cutting him loose?
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