Fight4Me Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Managed to ignore 2 phone calls...........was really tough holding the mobile and looking at the name of the person calling. But what stopped me was knowing that I am the one who finished it, so I have the high ground. I don't want to hear him saying "well I was going to tell you anyway". And it's only 3pm - feels like I have lived through a week in the last 12 hours. Really do appreciate all the advice and support - would not have cut myself loose without it. BW here, hope you don't mind. I just wanted to give you kudos for resisting his calls. You are absolutely right... you DO have the upper ground, and I would put a sticky note to that effect where you can see it in case you get tempted to call him or answer his calls. The thing that really strikes me is the fact that he can't seem to leave his gf for someone he supposedly loves. It's one thing if she were his wife, with kids, and 30 years of history (and even then, if he really wanted to leave, he would), but extricating oneself from a relationship that doesn't have any legal entanglements shouldn't be that difficult. I know it hurts, even if it has only been four months. Pain is pain, any way you slice it, but I honestly believe if you put some time and distance between you and this idiot, you will see you dodged a major bullet. It also sounds like you've been through hell and back with men, so I would really take the time to be good to yourself. You deserve so much better than any of this. Remember that, and gather your strength from it.
jj33 Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Katona stay strong. He has NOTHING to say that you need to hear. You made the right decision. He is with someone else and even if he werent hes a scumbag. So nothing nothing nothing he could say can make a difference. You just need to be good to yourself. Enjoy a sunny scottish day (if its still sunny there). The end of any relationship hurts so treat it the way you would any other break up with a man who has wronged you. Do not give him another chance to hurt you. He has shown you who he is. The only thing he could do is to try to maniupulate you into continuing to play second fiddle with empty promises. Pity his gf. She has a loser on her hands.
Author katonahottinroof Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Things just get stranger and stranger. He called the house today and my unsuspecting daughter put him onto me. I was fair pleased with myself said I wanted no contact and that he could come look for me when he had extracted himself from where he is. And then he tells me that the girlfriend KNOWS!!! And has known for a couple of months. What on earth do you make of that?? Not that it makes any difference to me I have said that it is finished now verbally as well as through text so he has got the message. Onwards and upwards - waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
sweetjasmine Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 And then he tells me that the girlfriend KNOWS!!! And has known for a couple of months. What on earth do you make of that?? Chances are it's another lie. If she knows, what's stopping him from ending it with her and leaving for you? If she's known "for a couple of months" (and you've only been together for 4, anyway), then why did he go quiet when he was worried she had found out? Wouldn't he have said something when she did find out? And you already said it yourself here: He says he wants to leave and be with me but cannot just up sticks and go. Says she is just so easy to live with (might not be quite so easy now I suspect). On the other hand I have 3 kids, a house full of dogs and a busy working life and all in all that equates to the opposite of what he's got. I can see that. He doesn't want to leave her. He likes living with her and having you on the side. Even if she knows all about your affair, he's not going anywhere, and they both know it.
Author katonahottinroof Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Sound advice sweetjasmine. Am determined to stick to my guns, even though it hurts like hell.
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Things just get stranger and stranger. He called the house today and my unsuspecting daughter put him onto me. I was fair pleased with myself said I wanted no contact and that he could come look for me when he had extracted himself from where he is. And then he tells me that the girlfriend KNOWS!!! And has known for a couple of months. What on earth do you make of that?? Not that it makes any difference to me I have said that it is finished now verbally as well as through text so he has got the message. Onwards and upwards - waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He's lying. She doesn't know. He's now playing you for a fool..Again. Selfishly. I'm not going to contact him but suppressing the need to hit the "send message" button on her facebook page is really hard. Why should he get off scott free and continue as if nothing has happened? What happened to telling the truth? You want to hurt him? CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE and IGNORE HIM. Silence is golden and can say a million things without saying a word. Hurting her isn't hurting him. Don't be malcious and take this out on her. She's done nothing wrong. Your beef is with him, so either ignore him or deal with him directly, don't go spouting off to his gf in hopes to ruin his life. Own your part in this, put some of the anger you feel towards yourself. Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh or cruel. It just may help you see that it isn't your place to contact her. Especially through facebook!!! IF you choose to tell her, you call and meet her face to face. Be honest, answer ALL her questions that she asks you. don't run from it and own your part in the A. Contacting her by facebook and then telling her to talk to her bf not you, isn't the way to handle it..THat is, if you are really going to tell. Though I do believe IF you hit that send button or decide to tell her, you'll regret it.
Author katonahottinroof Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Well have got through today by being so busy that I haven't had tome to stop and think. Have had loads of folk around me which has helped - and it did help that I actually told a couple of close friends. Probably wrong but heigh ho, made me feel better. Night time will be the worst when my brain seems to go into overdrive - wish someone would develop a cure for that. Determined not to let myself down by telling - unless of course she contacts me in which case I shall tell the truth.
Woman In Blue Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 (edited) And have firmly decided that I won't tell the girlfriend - won't stoop so low as to lose my dignity. Going to try to do the head held high approach - at least to the outside world anyway. Well, if you do one day win this "prize" from his current girlfriend, eventually he'll begin making a fool out of YOU behind your back by cheating on you. I would suppose that you'll hope that his future OW will feel the exact same way you do right now. That not "losing her dignity" is much more important than telling you about your cheating spouse so you can make an educated decision about your future. Her silence will enable you to stay with him in total ignorance of what's really going on - perhaps eventually having kids with him and tying yourself up financially with him - only to somehow find out about his bad behavior much further down the road when leaving is MUCH harder to do "because of the kids" and "because you can't afford to leave." Not a great place to be, is it? ETA: I posted this before I saw your post above mine, stating that if the GF contacts you, you won't lie to her. Good for you, I didn't realize you'd tell the truth if she asked. Sorry for misunderstanding. Edited May 24, 2010 by Woman In Blue
Author katonahottinroof Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 I think I must live in a parallel universe. After me debating about hitting the send button, the girlfriend has done just that. Says she did suspect but "has respect for him and forgiven him". Have to say that I would be spitting tacks, not respect..Just wonder when the enormity of it all will hit her. She didn't really ask anything - wanted confirmation it had finished. As for me, I feel a lot stronger today - barred his number from my phone and deleted everything. All these posts have made a big difference and I am starting to take a step back from it and see him for what he is. Trouble is then I fail dismally and the steps go in the opposite direction. Another day over.
jenifer1972 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Wow, she REALLY IS easy to live with. Has already forgiven him. They are a perfect matched set, and you would be a unwise to continue to put yourself in the middle of this 'folie a deux'.
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