katonahottinroof Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 New to this but have read it a lot. I'm single and for the past 4 months have had a pretty full-on relationship with a guy who has a live in girlfriend of 4 years. I have had a bit of a "thing" for him for quite a while before that but he made all the running! He broke it off once pretty early on stating that she was too easy to live and he didn't want to hurt her with but he lasted less than 4 days before the phone call came. He does say that he will leave her and says I just need to have patience. Last weekend he went away with her and a bunch of friends and I convinced myself that I was better off without him. But the the "I love you" texts started which I hadn't had before and my resolve withered. Well now today the girlfriend has been monitoring his phone and has found out that it is me he is texting and calling. Don't think she knows what's been going on although she must be particularly stupid if she doesn't. So now of course he has gone into radio silence - hasn't even called me back when he said he needed to speak to me about it. I guess what I want some help with is not whether or not I tell him to get lost (know what you all will say!!!) but whether I put the girlfriend in the picture?? Do I tell her?? They live only a couple of km up the road from me. Part of me says no but the other part says she has a right to know what she's dealing with. Has happened to me before and I am real glad someone told me. Allowed me to make a decision knowing all the facts. Also part of me says he ought to be a big boy and face the consequences of saying one thing and doing something else. In my small world you son't tell someone you love them and then abandon them and carry on regardless. I'm on the verge of picking up the phone. So help, please!!!!!
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 No. Don't tell. You are with this guy by your own choice, knowing full well he has a girlfriend. He's an idiot for cheating on her with you, and for letting you believe that he's going to break up with her and be with you. What do you expect the outcome to be? For her to break up with him, then he'll be yours? Chances are, he's going to turn on you, and make it seem like YOU were the one chasing him. He'll throw you under the bus and never want to speak to you again. Anyway, have you thought about just telling him, "I can't do this anymore, be the OW? You have a gf, and you keep promising me you'll end it and be with me, but your actions aren't showing this, so I'm breaking up with you! Call me when you're free and single." You know he's not leaving, he has a live in girlfriend for FOUR years. You're choosing to believe his lies and give yourself hope.
jennie-jennie Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 In my small world you son't tell someone you love them and then abandon them and carry on regardless. I'm on the verge of picking up the phone. So help, please!!!!! Sorry to say, but this is typical Married Man Behavior. On Discovery-day they are afraid to lose what they have and will throw you under the bus to keep it. That does not mean that he won't return to you once it is safe again though. All it means is that he wants to keep what he has. If the wife/girlfriend called me up I would not lie. I would shortly confirm her suspicions, but not elaborate on them. She can talk to her husband/boyfriend about the details. I would not call her to tell. Unless you feel strongly about it, since you feel it has helped you in your past. Was that the OW who told you at that time or somebody else? It is not going to help you in any way to tell, and it certainly won't help you if you are still hoping the guy will come back. Take care.
awkward Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (((kat))) No advice on whether to tell or not. I only suggest that you read the advice you will get in this thread and then wait at least 24 hours before making your decision. It's not good to make decisions in the heat of the moment.
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Don't think she knows what's been going on although she must be particularly stupid if she doesn't. No, it means he's REALLY GOOD AT LYING. You believe all that he's been telling, yes? The I love you's, I'm going to leave her etc...Yet then he turns around and goes away with his live in girlfriend. And, doesn't call you.. Take it up with him, not her. HE is the one who is having his cake and eating it too.
Author katonahottinroof Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Yes I guess I fell for the whole thing - but the point is I fell in deep. The first time he had a fright that she had found out he went quiet for the 4 days -I told him then not to reappear unless he was committed to being with me. And lo and behold he reappears. And yes I get let down all the time, yes I feel like a second class citizen and yes if he walked through the door right now I wouldn't turn him away. But here I sit on my own trying to get the strength to do something about it. I don't actually think that I would "get him" by telling his girlfriend. Just that when my now ex-husband told me of his "interests" it confirmed my suspicions and gave me the anger I needed to get out of there. I guess I want him to be forced to deal with the situation he has created. Maybe that makes me a bad person. Other things pop into my head - like if he's cheating on her with me, would he do the same to me? I don't really know but you guys will no doubt tell me that he will. It isn't that he is my entire life - I do try not to let that happen. But this is eating into my thoughts all the time and I can see myself slowly disappearing into some abyss. Jeez they live just up the road from me - my stomach lurches every time I pass the house. Sorry for the ramblings but that's the state of my head at the moment. Thanks for the advice - I will sleep on it (if I can sleep - that's another thing which eludes me at the moment).
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I'm single and for the past 4 months have had a pretty full-on relationship with a guy who has a live in girlfriend of 4 years 4 months vs 4 years. I'll let you think about this... He may or may not cheat on you, just know that he is VERY capable of lying ,deceiving and hiding things. Not a good trait. And, he has no respect for you, nor his gf. I hope you see this? If he truly was soooo unhappy and wanted to end things with her, he WOULD. He hasn't. He disappears, then comes back and you fall for his "lines". Maybe ask yourself why you're doing this to yourself seeing as he isn't leaving her. Take the blinders off, take a step back and ask yourself if you want to continue to be with a man who makes empty promises, a man who says one thing, but does another. And, he hurts you! By giving you hope, making it seem like you two have a future together, when you don't. He is no prize.
Hazyhead Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Take a step back (at least) and think carefully before you tell. In my experience the urge to tell passes and a lot of it at first is part of a need for revenge (again - I understand). He will probably come back to you full of apologies for his silence and be so full of love and devotion only to do it again. He sounds like another self-serving cheater, I'm sorry. What is best for you here? I think you know really. Go out and get busy - don't get hung up on thoughts of him right now. Think on it some more then post back here.
jj33 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) No honey you dont tell. Its VERY self serving for you to tell and it smacks of revenge. You were fing her bf and now that he has thrown you under the bus you are going to tell her because she deserves to know who she is dealing with? You were part of the equation. Im sorry you are hurting and i understand the need for revenge but it takes two to cheat on this woman and you were the other one. What are you going to do say I was sleeping with your bf because I had a thing for him but Ive been cheaated on too and I think you deserve to know. Really sorry?? He led you down the garden path. I didnt believe until this week that these men are expert liars (and I am almost 3 years out) but I have learned that these men are expert liars and manipulators. Be thankful you found out after only 4 months Edited May 21, 2010 by jj33
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Yes I guess I fell for the whole thing - but the point is I fell in deep. The first time he had a fright that she had found out he went quiet for the 4 days -I told him then not to reappear unless he was committed to being with me. And lo and behold he reappears. And yes I get let down all the time, yes I feel like a second class citizen and yes if he walked through the door right now I wouldn't turn him away. But here I sit on my own trying to get the strength to do something about it. Then you two will an unhealthy relationship and not have time and space in between to get rid of the affair dynamic. Afew days or a week is NOt enough to time to welcome him back. YOu need to start fresh and the only way to do that is.... NO CONTACT. Break up with him. Tell him you love him and want to be with him but not under these circumstances, that you deserve better. That you don't want to be second fiddle, to be strung along anymore. And as much as it hurts you to break up with him, you are doing this for your OWN mental health. Let me ask you something. Say his gf gets pregnant in the next little while? What then? Will you stick around and see if he still wants to leave at some point? I just see this dragging out for a long long time if you don't set boundries and walk away now. Imagine being in the same place you are now in another year or two.
jj33 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 of course he will cheat on you. She is a gf she isnt even a w he is planning on leaving. Sorry I know some of these situatoins work out but for the most part these people are just selfish self serving liars. You made a lucky escape. Stop dreaming. WWIU makes an excellent point. You could be with him in a year or 2 or 3 if you dont cut the cord now.
Author katonahottinroof Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Well I haven't slept on it and I doubt I will sleep tonight. I didn't tell her - I told him. He got the "I've had enough. Come find me when you're out of it" text (wouldn't answer his phone - no surprises there). And now I feel rubbish. Big time rubbish. And it's 11pm Friday night and for once in Scotland the only water that's falling is what's coming from my eyes.
MizFit Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Well I haven't slept on it and I doubt I will sleep tonight. I didn't tell her - I told him. He got the "I've had enough. Come find me when you're out of it" text (wouldn't answer his phone - no surprises there). And now I feel rubbish. Big time rubbish. And it's 11pm Friday night and for once in Scotland the only water that's falling is what's coming from my eyes. Hugs from Newcastle...(())(())(())
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Well I haven't slept on it and I doubt I will sleep tonight. I didn't tell her - I told him. He got the "I've had enough. Come find me when you're out of it" text (wouldn't answer his phone - no surprises there). And now I feel rubbish. Big time rubbish. And it's 11pm Friday night and for once in Scotland the only water that's falling is what's coming from my eyes. You did the right thing. Not because of him, but because of you! To stay and be second fiddle, allow him to come and go out of your life, disappear then reappear when HE feels like it, isn't a nice thing to do. Let alone, the flip side is, knowing full well he has a live in girlfriend and settling for the table scraps he gives you. That is why I suggested you take time to think and ask yourself why you want to do this, suffer and ride the rollercoaster ride? Cry and cry, but tomorrow, pick yourself up and go be with friends. Do something to take your mind off of him, atleast for an hour or two.
Author katonahottinroof Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Thanks for all the good advice - all I have to do now is get through the night and try to get the cotton wool out of my head. And have firmly decided that I won't tell the girlfriend - won't stoop so low as to lose my dignity. Going to try to do the head held high approach - at least to the outside world anyway.
ladydesigner Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Thanks for all the good advice - all I have to do now is get through the night and try to get the cotton wool out of my head. And have firmly decided that I won't tell the girlfriend - won't stoop so low as to lose my dignity. Going to try to do the head held high approach - at least to the outside world anyway. You will hold your head high and succeed silence is the most powerful way to let someone know you mean business. Stay No Contact until he is free until then get yourself out there with friends and enjoy yourself!!!
ComputerJock Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 "I don't actually think that I would "get him" by telling his girlfriend. Just that when my now ex-husband told me of his "interests" it confirmed my suspicions and gave me the anger I needed to get out of there. I guess I want him to be forced to deal with the situation he has created. Maybe that makes me a bad person." So you are now the OW and your husband cheated on you so you were a BS? Maybe he isn't the one you are angry at, but your now ex-husband who it appears cheated on you. Am I right you left your marriage because of your ex-husband's affair?
Author katonahottinroof Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 no - the ex-husband was well over 10 years ago and he was also an emotional bully. Just to make life even more complicated in between times I had a relationship with a guy who was an alcoholic and after many "chances" I finally saw sense last year and gave him his marching orders. I wouldn't say that it dramatically affected me as it was a relief when he finally went. Been on my own for over 6 months. Although now he is now suing me for a substantial amount of cash. So in a vulnerable situation? - guess so! So after one sleepless night my mind is in complete turmoil and I feel like I'm back to square one. I'm not going to contact him but suppressing the need to hit the "send message" button on her facebook page is really hard. Why should he get off scott free and continue as if nothing has happened? What happened to telling the truth?
mercedesgirl Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I had a very brief fling with a married guy, butI had a reality check and told him I didnt want anything more to do with him, I wasnt gonna be second best. He emailed me saying that his family meant everything to him, he loved his wife and they were very happy, there were no issues in their marriage!!! Oh yeah, thats why you had sex with me!!!!!! Anyways, I really wanted to get revenge, tell his wife and ruin him, but having read these posts it has made me realise, its not worth it. He is the one who has to live with the fact he cheated on his wife. Thanks for making me see sense. Katonahottinroof - its not worth it, be strong, if I can do it you can
pureinheart Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 New to this but have read it a lot. I'm single and for the past 4 months have had a pretty full-on relationship with a guy who has a live in girlfriend of 4 years. I have had a bit of a "thing" for him for quite a while before that but he made all the running! He broke it off once pretty early on stating that she was too easy to live and he didn't want to hurt her with but he lasted less than 4 days before the phone call came. He does say that he will leave her and says I just need to have patience. Last weekend he went away with her and a bunch of friends and I convinced myself that I was better off without him. But the the "I love you" texts started which I hadn't had before and my resolve withered. Well now today the girlfriend has been monitoring his phone and has found out that it is me he is texting and calling. Don't think she knows what's been going on although she must be particularly stupid if she doesn't. So now of course he has gone into radio silence - hasn't even called me back when he said he needed to speak to me about it. I guess what I want some help with is not whether or not I tell him to get lost (know what you all will say!!!) but whether I put the girlfriend in the picture?? Do I tell her?? They live only a couple of km up the road from me. Part of me says no but the other part says she has a right to know what she's dealing with. Has happened to me before and I am real glad someone told me. Allowed me to make a decision knowing all the facts. Also part of me says he ought to be a big boy and face the consequences of saying one thing and doing something else. In my small world you son't tell someone you love them and then abandon them and carry on regardless. I'm on the verge of picking up the phone. So help, please!!!!! Hi KOAHTR! Personally I wouldn't tell her, as if she doesn't know by now with all of the evidence, either she doesn't want to know or he is a really good con artist...so I doubt it would do any good...sorry if this is a duplicate reply as I rarely read responses so that I can give a first intitial reaction opinion without being swayed. I don't mean to hurt you, although I really think he wants to stay with his gf...when D-Day comes and the R is altered due to finding "ways around" till the dust settles, thaty right there is a dead give away...mostly because they are not M'ed. Also, why isn't he M'ed to her...he could possibly have committment issues, meaning a committment phobic... Do they have kids?
pureinheart Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I had a very brief fling with a married guy, butI had a reality check and told him I didnt want anything more to do with him, I wasnt gonna be second best. He emailed me saying that his family meant everything to him, he loved his wife and they were very happy, there were no issues in their marriage!!! Oh yeah, thats why you had sex with me!!!!!! Anyways, I really wanted to get revenge, tell his wife and ruin him, but having read these posts it has made me realise, its not worth it. He is the one who has to live with the fact he cheated on his wife. Thanks for making me see sense. Katonahottinroof - its not worth it, be strong, if I can do it you can It is sooooo hard...you've gone through all the crap and then he goes home to his W without a scratch...you did good, it takes a lot of self control...the ones I feel bad for is you and his W....
Author katonahottinroof Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Thanks for the support. Really appreciate it. Cannot stop wanting the phone to ring but with luck if I get through the next couple of days I might start to see through the fog. Feels so unjust at the moment - why shouldn't he suffer the consequences? Might stop him doing it again. Or maybe not. And no they don't have kids (not with each other anyway) Both are mid-forties. Both been married before - him twice, latterly to a woman who I could only describe as unhinged. He says he wants to leave and be with me but cannot just up sticks and go. Says she is just so easy to live with (might not be quite so easy now I suspect). On the other hand I have 3 kids, a house full of dogs and a busy working life and all in all that equates to the opposite of what he's got. I can see that. Keep trying to tell myself that whatever gap I filled in his relationship will still be there and therefore he's quite likely to do the same thing again. Just need to make sure it isn't with me. If he hadn't started the "I love you" texts which he sent when he was on holiday with her then I wouldn't feel so bad. He hadn't said anything like that before and I suppose it got to me. This is going to be a long day.............
mercedesgirl Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I know how you feel KOAHTF, try and keep your self busy. It is hard, but you will feel a whole lot better for it believe me. I know a few guys who have been unfaithful and I have wanted to tell their OH's. You see them all loved up with their OH's and yet you know different. Be good to yourself and we are here if you need anything
Author katonahottinroof Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Managed to ignore 2 phone calls...........was really tough holding the mobile and looking at the name of the person calling. But what stopped me was knowing that I am the one who finished it, so I have the high ground. I don't want to hear him saying "well I was going to tell you anyway". And it's only 3pm - feels like I have lived through a week in the last 12 hours. Really do appreciate all the advice and support - would not have cut myself loose without it.
ComputerJock Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Get a life - join a church, look into groups for singles, play the field. I mean it in a good way. You are lonely and feel unloved. So he can hit on you and push your buttons. You need other men in your life so you can see what a dog he is. I wish you the very best in the world and know there are other men out there that would make you happy.
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