Should I break up with him?

[Eeyore79]

That's the thing, though - I feel like it isn't a totally legitimate concern. I feel like I'm being petty and immature, and I can't deny that him hanging out with his ex does bother me, but I feel like it shouldn't. I know it's stupid, but I feel like I'd rather break up with him than admit that this bothers me. I guess it's about pride - I don't want to admit to him that I'm bothered, or that I'm jealous. I really don't want to have a huge argument with him, and have him tell me I'm being immature and ridiculous, and then have him dump me because of it. I simply can't face the drama - I feel like I'd rather just walk away. I guess I feel like anyone who has issues with maintaining boundaries with exes probably isn't right for me in the long term anyway, because it will just lead to heartache

[Els]

Eeyore, I'm sorry, but that is really one bit of very twisted and convoluted ill-logic. How would you feel if a guy you loved did that same thing to you? There was something about you that bugged him but instead of talking to you about it he felt his concerns were 'petty and immature'... and just upped and left?

 

You may need to start considering what is wrong about YOURSELF in this case... because eventually problems will pop up with ANYONE in the long run, and you are ill-suited to such relationships if you will not talk to them about your problems due to pride and would rather throw everything away.

[Eeyore79]

Maybe I just don't feel confident of a positive response to my concerns. I feel like he'll think I'm petty and immature, and he'll go WTF?! and won't want to see me any more. It really bothers me but I don't feel like I can talk to him about it without seeming childish and ridiculous - I feel like it's something that shouldn't bother me, but it still does. The net result is that I'm backing off from the relationship because I feel uncomfortable and insecure.

 

At present I'm continuing with the relationship and just saying nothing, but I don't feel like I can truly trust him and invest in the relationship because of this issue. In the long term I don't want a partner who has exes hanging around all the time, so I guess that prevents me from believing that this guy could be a long term prospect, and that in turn prevents me from fully investing in the relationship.

[missfrenchie]

 

At present I'm continuing with the relationship and just saying nothing, but I don't feel like I can truly trust him and invest in the relationship because of this issue. In the long term I don't want a partner who has exes hanging around all the time, so I guess that prevents me from believing that this guy could be a long term prospect, and that in turn prevents me from fully investing in the relationship.

 

Ummm... How is that fair?? To both him and yourself???...

 

I would tell him that it made you feel quite uncomfortable finding out from her rather than him. I guess if he decides to continue his friendship with her, it's his choice and not yours...

 

I've been friends with my ex for 5 years and we were together for 4 and a half on top of that. My boyfriend of about 4 months was not impressed when he and another 4 friends came to visit. I didn't know how to deal with the situation. My boyfriend told me he wasn't comfortable with it, which I totally understood but I wasn't going to throw away a 5 year friendship just because we were involved at one point. I made my boyfriend feel as secure as I possibly could and made sure my attention was always on him, never spending any time alone with my ex. I find THAT to be completely inappropriate.

[dazzle22]

You have a bit of a 'self-sabotaging' streak in you. And some 'all or nothing' thinking. And you apparently really want to avoid conflict at all cost, and you have to get past this if you want any relationship to have any lasting power.

 

Why can't you just straight up mention one night, "I think it is very interesting that you have not mentioned to me that X was in fact your girlfriend, not just 'a friend'. Why is that??" Just a forthright, reasonable question. It is not unreasonable at all. Then, you are entitled to say, 'well, given the fact that you hid it from me, I am not that comfortable with your friendship" Doesn't mean he has to stop it, just let him know YOUR feelings about it.

[bolase]

While I think you hit the nail on the head dazzle, I can completely relate to the OP so I would be tempted to split and calmly let us live both our lives knowing he is not the one.

Its worth at least venting to him in a polite and succinct way to see where that goes, even if you already know how this is going to end.

I think its one of those issues that will not go away though. This is something I would be reluctant to fight through, it's not like other issues which are about you as individuals and your relationship, its about another persons emotional involvement and I would make your feelings known before you leave (if you do) to share them and make the world a slightly better place; he deserves to know.

[Kamille]

Maybe I just don't feel confident of a positive response to my concerns. I feel like he'll think I'm petty and immature, and he'll go WTF?! and won't want to see me any more. It really bothers me but I don't feel like I can talk to him about it without seeming childish and ridiculous - I feel like it's something that shouldn't bother me, but it still does. The net result is that I'm backing off from the relationship because I feel uncomfortable and insecure.

 

Have you two ever had to discuss issues in the past, or would this be the first one? If you have discussed issues already... Did he make it seem like your point of view wasn't valid? I'm trying to understand why you believe he would automatically go in self-defense mode and belittle your concerns instead of trying to work them out with you. Did one of your exes always respond to your concerns by making them seem petty? Perhaps a sibling or a parent did that?

 

Anyone who would belittle you for being concerned isn't worth your time. I had much pettier concerns when bf and I started dating and he still managed to reassure me.

 

The thing is: this is bothering you so it is up to you to bring it up. He will not magically guess what's on your mind.

 

And how do you imagine breaking up with him? What would you tell him? Wouldn't you have to bring the issue up then? It just makes more sense to first bring up the issue and see if you two can come to a compromise. If he belittles your issue and makes it seem petty, that would be a huge red flag that the guy is ego-centric. It doesn't mean he has to agree to stop being friends with his ex, but he should be able to understand that you don't like the fact that they hang out together alone. He should want to reassure you and he should offer compromises. (Like, no more hanging out together alone).

 

At present I'm continuing with the relationship and just saying nothing, but I don't feel like I can truly trust him and invest in the relationship because of this issue. In the long term I don't want a partner who has exes hanging around all the time, so I guess that prevents me from believing that this guy could be a long term prospect, and that in turn prevents me from fully investing in the relationship.

 

All but one of my 3 ex-bfs were still friend with their exes and like I said, I'm still friends with some (2) of them. In fact, I think it's a bad sign when a guy cannot be at least be cordial to an ex and a good sign when they manage to remain friends. I'm not saying this to convince you that there's no problem with being friends with exes, I'm just saying this to point out that opinions differ on the topic of whether it's good or bad to be friends with exes. Your guy is obviously one to share my line of thinking. But if being friends with an ex is such a dealbreaker for you, then so be it. You would still need to tell him this and give him a chance to respond though.

 

I think the fact that this is a dealbreaker for you is what makes bringing up the conversation difficult. But I wonder whether the dealbreaker is a result of your fear of confrontation and not the reverse. In other words, I wonder if you're taking this hardline on being friends with an ex just so you don't actually have to speak up for yourself.

 

Another thing is that it isn't clear from what you say here just how serious they were. Could it be that they just dated, went on a trip together and ended things all within a few weeks and decided there was nothing there?

 

I think you need more information before you do anything drastic. Yes, that would mean speaking up.

[Eeyore79]

I don't feel like I have a right to complain about who he's friends with when I've only been seeing him for a few months. I feel like if I bring the issue up, he'll be like "WTF?!" because I've only known him for a few months and I therefore have no right to query his long term friendships. We've never had occasion to really discuss big issues before, because we haven't been dating for very long, and I'm reluctant to rock the boat. But at the same time I feel like I can't possibly put up with this, so I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. My kneejerk reaction is just to say "Screw this" and walk away, but I genuinely care about him... but at the same time the situation makes me uncomfortable and I can't see it changing, so I don't know what to do.

 

I don't know how long they dated, what happened, etc, and I'm reluctant to pry - I really don't want to know the uncomfortable details of his past, I'm the sort who prefers to leave the past in the past. Also, as I said before, he didn't tell me the details because he doesn't even know that I know she's his ex, and it sort of makes me feel like he lied about the nature of their relationship so he could continue seeing her without me objecting.

 

The bizarre thing is that I don't want to bring up this issue in conversation because I adore him and don't want to rock the boat, but at the same time I'm having thoughts of walking away because I can't put up with it. I guess it sort of feels like taking control, like saying "I don't like this so I will choose to walk away", rather than broaching the subject and putting myself in a vulnerable position where I have to endure a confrontation and accept a compromise or be dumped. At present my strategy is merely to not get too involved with him and see how things pan out - I feel like I'm holding back and not investing in the relationship because I'm not sure whether it can last given that there's this problem.

 

There's only one occasion when I tried to have a serious conversation with him, and he sort of refused to talk to me. He's constantly belittling himself and saying he's overweight, or telling me his penis is small (it isn't), or telling me to overlook a few pimples - this stuff isn't really a big deal to me, but maybe he suffers a little from low self esteem? Anyway, I tried to raise the subject that he's always putting himself down, because I think it's counter-productive in a loving relationship when I don't even care about this stuff. He refused to talk, saying he was tired and shushing me, but it was obvious that he was just avoiding the conversation. So I can't imagine him having a helpful response to any other issues I might raise; he'll probably just trivialise it and avoid any serious discussion. This self esteem issue is another problem in our relationship that I don't know how to deal with; he won't talk about it and I really don't know how to handle it.

[harmfulsweetz]

You shouldn't break up with him without giving him the opportunity to explain things. You never know- he may totally see your point and agree to only hang out with her on work things and such. Breaking up with someone for the sake of such an issue is ridiculous. Especially since you have done nothing to resolve it for yourself. He's not psychic, how can he fix an issue he doesn't know exists?

 

If you break up with every guy that did something that made you slightly uncomfortable without even trying to talk about it, you're gonna be single for a long time. I get the issue, my ex (in the early stages) was meeting up with (behind my back) a girl he dated, and damn, it hurt, and I felt so insecure about it. We talked about it, resolved that they would only hang out on social events with others not on date-like scenarios, but had I just dumped him based on that, I would have felt I cheated myself out of a potentially good relationship. You have to discuss it, however petty you feel, it's causing you worry and causing you to consider breaking up with him, so it isn't petty.

 

It sounds like you're waiting for an exit route to be honest, finding reasons as to why you shouldn't and won't sort it out maturely. You think it's immature as an issue, well it's immature to do what you're doing. Mature people see an issue, and confront it, and resolve it the best they can, if not resolved, then they move on. Not before trying to resolve it. You can't run at every roadblock, at some point, you have to find a way to hurdle over it.

[Stockalone]

I had much pettier concerns when bf and I started dating and he still managed to reassure me.

 

It seems that you believe that there is something her bf can do to reassure her, like your bf was able to. I am not sure that is the case here. It sounds more like him being friends with an ex is a dealbreaker in the eyes of the OP. The only possible solution might be that he no longer has contact with his ex.

 

It would be for me, there is nothing a woman could say or do about this that would make me be okay with a situation like this (my gf being friends with an ex).

 

I just don't see a compromise if she is bothered by it that much. And she doesn't seem to want him to have to choose either, because telling your SO who he can or can't be friends with, isn't exactly a good idea. Also, even if he would be okay with ending that friendship, is that really something she should want him to do?

 

I can understand why she thinks about breaking up with him. Granted, I still think Eeyore79 should talk to him. At least that way, they all know where they stand instead of just guessing what might happen.

 

 

I don't feel like I have a right to complain about who he's friends with when I've only been seeing him for a few months. I feel like if I bring the issue up, he'll be like "WTF?!" because I've only known him for a few months and I therefore have no right to query his long term friendships.

 

I understand why you feel that way. To be frank, when I was in that situation, I thought it's best to not pursue a relationship as we are simply incompatible. But you are already in the relationship. Hence, I agree with Kamille that you should talk to him. Worst case scenario is that you break up, which is something you already considered.

 

But if you talk to him, you need to know what you want and need. Do you believe that a compromise (not hanging out alone with her for example) is possible or would you need his ex to be gone from his life entirely?

[nowomanocry]

OP - don't you have male friends? ON ONE HAND I see that you do not trust him.

 

ON THE OTHER HAND

 

What I didn't like in your post was her being his high school crush. Well my ex and I ended over her starting something with her high school crush and this without even me noticing it because of too much trust I felt towards her. You better watch out!

 

She is there, and won't go away. The more you insist him leaving her the more valuable she will be and he will not leave her anyway. If you ask him to make a choice (theoretically) believe me he will choose her (not you)

 

I feel like your relationship has turned downhill... Time will show. I hope I'm wrong and all goes the way you want.

[EasyHeart]

You definitely need to talk to him about it. It's not fair to dump someone over a specific concern without giving them the chance to make it right.

 

Personally, I would have HUGE issues with my GF hanging out with an ex. HUGE issues -- as in, "No ****ing way". It's one thing to be 'friends' with an ex in the sense of being civil and being able to run into each other with common friends and not having drama, but it is completely different to be spending time alone together going on walks or meeting for coffee. It is completely disrespectful of you and your relationship.

[Eeyore79]

I do have some male friends, and it doesn't bother my bf - but he has female friends and it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that this woman is his ex; if she was just a female friend who he'd never dated I wouldn't have a problem with him hanging out with her.

 

I don't think there is anything he could do to reassure me - I just don't like him hanging out with his ex one-on-one, and I especially don't like hanging out with her in a group and having to pretend to be friendly towards her when in reality I'm extremely uncomfortable. I don't hang out with my exes, partly because it would be awkward, and partly because it would be disrespectful towards any boyfriend I might have. It hurts that he disrespects our relationship enough to not only hang out with his ex, but also to bring her into a group situation when I'm there.

 

I just feel that I shouldn't be telling him who to be friends with, and for me the only acceptable solution would be for him to only see her at work when he has no choice, and to completely stop seeing her in a social sense - no hanging out one-on-one, no inviting her to parties, and no inviting her to anywhere that I'm going to be. I would effectively want him to stop being friends with her, and I don't think it's fair to ask that of him. I wouldn't care if they were Facebook friends or exchanged occasional emails or whatever, or even if he saw her occasionally, but I have issues with a regular friendship where he sees her all the time and brings her into group situations where I am.

 

Surely he would feel weird about his ex seeing him canoodling with someone else anyway? I'd feel weird about being all kissy with someone in front of my ex - unless he had dumped me and I wanted to make him jealous. I keep wondering if that's the case here, since when exes stay in contact at least one person is usually carrying a torch.

 

I don't date men with kids because the ex never goes away. This seems to be the same sort of situation - there are no kids involved, but it appears that the ex is never going to go away, and that is unacceptable to me. Imposing an ultimatum seems unfair, and tbh I'd expect him to choose her anyway because he's known her longer. I don't want to be that person who thinks they can tell their partner who they're allowed to be friends with, but at the same time I don't like his ex hanging around, and if I can't tell him to end the friendship then ending the relationship seems to be the only option

[Eeyore79]

I had a confidential chat with a friend of my bf's, and he told me that my bf dated this girl for about eight months and they broke up in mid 2008. He has apparently had another gf since then, who he occasionally talks to online but no longer sees because it was an LDR and she doesn't live nearby. He's stayed friends with this particular ex because she lives nearby and also still works in the same office as him. I still don't know who broke up with who or why it ended; my bf's buddy didn't know.

 

I suppose I feel slightly better knowing that it wasn't a particularly long relationship, he didn't live with her, and they've been broken up for a couple of years. I'm still not happy about him hanging out with her one-on-one though, although I can understand why he can't avoid her in a work situation, and why he can't avoid inviting her to things he's invited other work colleagues to.

 

I guess it's a case of monitoring exactly how often he sees her and in what context, and speaking up if it appears to be inappropriate now that he's dating me. Hopefully as time passes she'll get into a relationship with someone else, or one of them will change jobs, or we'll move somewhere else, and this friendship will eventually fade away.

[jadepeony]

I really think you should just calmly talk to your boyfriend about it. Why do you need hide your feelings about this issue from him? He's your boyfriend and if something bothers you, he needs to do something about it (vice versa). Why do you need to ask other people about your boyfriend's past? Just ask him yourself.

 

There isn't a point in keeping all of it to yourself because the problem I see isn't him, but the fact that you're unwilling to confront the situation. If you're just going to distance yourself and dump a guy just because you can't handle the fact that he has a past, then it's going to be very hard for you to maintain a relationship with anyone. It's almost like you're running away from a problem. Plus, if you really like this guy then why won't you try to persist and solve the problem at hand?

 

Tell him truthfully that his ex mentioned the fact that they used to date, and tell him that it bothers you when they hangout outside of work. If you mean anything to him, he'll understand and find ways to find a compromise for the situation. If you think it'll put a strain on your relationship to talk about these things, then maybe you're not ready for one yet. Communicating and solving issues will only make a relationship stronger.

[Eeyore79]

I feel like showing I'm bothered about it would just make me appear insecure and jealous, which would obviously lower his level of interest in me. I don't have a problem with him having a past, but I do have a problem with his past hanging around and being invited out with us for drinks... imo the past should remain in the past. I don't think that talking to him about this will make me appear in a particularly good light; I'll look like the psycho gf who wants to cut him off from his friends.

 

I think I'll just remain a little emotionally withdrawn and see what happens, and if the relationship lasts and becomes more serious, then perhaps it might be time to broach the subject of him hanging out with his ex.