Should I break up with him?

[Eeyore79]

I should start by saying that my boyfriend is decent and trustworthy, he makes an effort to spend time with me, he gives me little presents and takes me out, he has introduced me to his friends, and he seems like an all round good catch (attractive, educated, employed, wants kids and marriage in the long term, etc).

 

So, why am I considering breaking up with him?

 

Well, basically because of his ex. A while ago he dated someone he works with, and although they split up he still works with her. I realise that he can't help working with her and has to be polite and civil, but it still makes me somewhat uncomfortable when he goes on nights out with his colleagues and I know this woman is going to be there.

 

That's not the main problem though... what bothers me is that he still maintains a friendship with this woman. She calls him to meet for coffee at the weekend, or asks him to go for a walk, and maybe they grab dinner afterwards. He does these things with other friends and it doesn't bother me, but it bothers me if he does them with his ex. If a group of friends are going somewhere, or if he's having a party, he invites her too, because he says she's his friend... even if I'm going to be there, he still invites her. It makes me uncomfortable having to face this woman and be polite.

 

I don't know who dumped who, or why they broke up... all I know is that he knows her from his college days and he split up with her about a year ago, so he's known her for a good few years.

 

I just don't like his ex hanging around, and it doesn't seem like she's ever going to go away, because, as he says, she's his "friend". It makes me wonder if he's actually over her, given that he persists in being friends with her. Despite everything else in our relationship being fine, I'm considering just dumping him because his ex makes me feel uncomfortable. What do you think?

[Els]

Uh. Why don't you talk to him about it first BEFORE pulling the trigger?! It's completely irrational and crazy to just dump him without even telling him that it's offending you! This seems like an easy one, if he's a considerate guy - you could probably come to a compromise that he won't meet her personally for coffee etc but he could still invite her to a company party or something.

 

But frankly... I don't think anything is going to help. Because if it could even occur to you to dump someone who's 'perfect' in all other ways, because of this.. without even giving him a chance to fix it... I honestly think you just aren't into him. Then what's the point?

[Eeyore79]

I am into him, that's the thing... but I feel like I'm detaching myself and pulling back from the relationship because this issue with his ex makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure. I understand that she's a work colleague and he can't exclude her from things if he's inviting other work colleagues, but I don't think he should see her on his own or be anything more than acquaintances.

 

I've only been dating him for a few months; I don't feel like I have the right to ask him to exclude someone from his life who he's known for several years. Having said that, I don't think he'd like it if I was hanging out with an ex all the time! I just feel like a bit of a crazy for being jealous of his ex, because he's dating me now, and as far as I can tell they're just friends and there's nothing going on between them... which is exactly what he will say if I broach the subject with him. I feel like I'm being small and petty and jealous, but at the same time I can't deny that it genuinely bothers me.

[Els]

Put yourself in his position. Assuming he actually is into you as well... would he prefer it if you spoke to him about his ex, or would he prefer it if you just cut everything off without even bothering to TRY?

 

'I know there's nothing going on between you and her, but I feel uncomfortable that you're spending so much one-on-one time with her. How would you feel if I had done the same?'

[Eeyore79]

Yes, I guess I should talk to him about it. I just feel weird asking him to stop seeing someone who he regards as a friend and has known for years, especially when we haven't been together that long. I guess it seemed more sensible to me to just end the relationship if I couldn't handle him being friends with his ex - I feel really petty for even wanting to bring the topic up.

[spookie]

i think you are being petty, and i think it would be unreasonable to ask him to end his friendship with her. but i dont think dumping him is the answer. if you dont figure out why youre so insecure, youre going to have the same issues in every relationship that you get into.

[summerl0vesyou]

Talk to him about your feelings without coming off as jealous or possessive. just say that you like your relationship and you trust him but you think that its just best if he and his ex stop hanging out alone. Thats the worst part, is them meeting up for coffee etc. Tell him that you understand that he cant avoid her at work and doesnt have to, and he cant ignore her when he sees his colleagues in a group. (edited because i didnt read that you have met her in a group) But just ask that if he values things the way you do, that he would consider not meeting with her alone or having phone calls etc because it would make you feel more comfortable.

 

if he acts weird about it, I would start getting skeptical...i mean if he flat out refuses or fights you about it, thats a problem. be prepared to face some problems though because im sure hes going to be upset that you are upset about his friend. but if you wants YOU then he would consider this.

Edited May 22, 2010 by summerl0vesyou

[summerl0vesyou]

i DO want to add though- if hes as good as he sounds, and hasnt given you any reason to NOT trust him..I probably wouldnt put him thru the grinder.. you should always trust until given reason not to (Obviously not all the time, but in this situation I would say if hes your BF, this definitely applies if hes never broken your trust) If hes not acting out of the ordinary, or pulling away/acting overly affectionate, I dont think theres anything between them anymore...but you do have a right to ask for them to not hang out alone. I dont think thats really asking much.

[ADF]

There is nothing in what you wrote that suggests your Bf has been in any way inappropriate with this woman. The problem here is you--or, more precisely, your insecurities. Stop obsessing about this. Your BF is doing nothing wrong, and you've no right to ask him to drop a friend just to appease you irrational fears. Don't lose this good man over this.

[Eeyore79]

Opinions seem to differ here on whether it's appropriate for him to hang out with his ex or not. I don't think it's appropriate, because he shouldn't be close with another girl when he's supposed to be dating me, particularly if there used to be something between them... imo that line is too easy to cross when you've been with that person before. I definitely don't think it's appropriate to expect me to be comfortable socialising in the same group as her!

 

I don't like to give him an ultimatum; he's only dated me for a few months and he's known his ex for years. I do wonder why he persists in hanging out with her after they've broken up; it makes me wonder whether he's over it, or wanting her back, or what. I sort of feel like I have no right to tell him who he should be friends with, but at the same time I think it's inappropriate for his ex to be hanging around the whole time.

[skydiveaddict]

No he should not be hanging out w/his ex. It would make me uncomfortable too

[ADF]

Opinions seem to differ here on whether it's appropriate for him to hang out with his ex or not. I don't think it's appropriate, because he shouldn't be close with another girl when he's supposed to be dating me, particularly if there used to be something between them... imo that line is too easy to cross when you've been with that person before. I definitely don't think it's appropriate to expect me to be comfortable socialising in the same group as her!

 

I don't like to give him an ultimatum; he's only dated me for a few months and he's known his ex for years. I do wonder why he persists in hanging out with her after they've broken up; it makes me wonder whether he's over it, or wanting her back, or what. I sort of feel like I have no right to tell him who he should be friends with, but at the same time I think it's inappropriate for his ex to be hanging around the whole time.

 

Consider that if you issue him an ultimatum, he is likely to interpret it--correctly, in my opinion--as a major power grab on your part, as an attempt by you to put him under your thumb. He may dump you just on principle, just to show you you don't own him. Unless you can point to some inappropriate behawior on his part or hers, you really hawe nothing to argue with.

[bolase]

I too would be uncomfortable..he must know too that it's making you uncomfortable. Has he ever brought it up with you, checking to see how you feel (just out of interest)?

 

I haven't been in your situation, but I have been contacted a bit by my ex, who started dating a mutual friend right after we broke up, cause he wants to be friends. We met up once for lunch...while he said he 'didnt think he deserved' a friendship with me yet , I told him the main reason I was keeping my distance was that it would simply be inappropriate not to.

 

Consider how much he respects you. I don't think he would like the reverse!! Ask, don't just break up gees. You would regret it although I understand that emotion..having no control over whats what and wanting to just hit him with the full extent of its effect on you. Talk it out.

 

That said I have started seeing a new guy and one thing bothers me a tiny bit...his ex is overseas and they've been apart for over a year, but he wears this carving necklace that she gave him, and says he likes it and its from a place they loved so isn't taking it off. So every time were getting down its the only thing he's left wearing..makes me feel...idk, slightly weirded, as I knew her when they were together. Any advice other to just suck that one up?

Edited May 22, 2010 by bolase

[Eeyore79]

No, he has never brought the situation up. He didn't even tell me she was his ex - she mentioned it, he has always just referred to her as his "friend". But he once mentioned a trip to New York with his ex, and this girl has a Facebook album of the two of them in New York, which verifies that she's his ex. He most definitely would not like it if I was hanging out with my ex all the time, but he obviously thinks it's ok for him to do it

 

The temptation is just to seize control of the situation by dumping him, because I hate this powerless feeling when he's always hanging out with this woman, and I hate feeling uncomfortable and having to avoid her in a group of his friends. Maybe in a weird way I want to punish him for hurting me, and send a very clear message that this is not ok. Of course, the other thing is that he's known her for years and will probably refuse to stop being close friends with her, and I feel like he might dump me if I issue such an ultimatum, so I feel like I should dump him before he can dump me. I know this is all completely irrational, I'm just saying how I feel.

 

Regarding your bf's necklace, bolase... I'd think that your happiness and comfort would be more important to him than a stupid necklace! I'd expect him to remove it - by all means keep it in a box, but don't wear it.

[bolase]

Ok thats interesting..scrap what I said in my earlier post. You could just ask him outright if it's his ex and then say you know they hang out a lot, has *she* moved on?

 

But on the other hand, I do understand..

 

IF this is turning you (when you're around that group and when those two hang out 1 on 1) into someone who you don't want to be, AND you already know how this is going to end, then move on for your own sanity. Yes the emotions are petty, but is this whole thing good for you, or not good for you?

It's a tough one. If you were to break up with him, how strongly would you push the reason? If you reckon you can do it without mentioning his "friend" and just say the relationship wasn't making you happy any more and you want to move on, and he accepted that, would you feel lighter? Or only if you could tell him it was because of his close relationship with his ex?

 

And what could I possibly say to my guy?

[Kamille]

Eyeeore, does he even know this is bothering you?

 

I understand why this makes you uncomfortable and I understand the desire to take control. However, your first attempt at trying to feel better should be to tell him the situation makes you uncomfortable. If he has half a brain, he'll likely be the one to suggest a compromise and he will most likely do his best to reassure you. IE: as your bf, his job is to make sure you're both happy in the relationship (as is yours).

 

If that fails, then you can consider ending the relationship. But I fear you'll regret your decision if you're too brash too soon.

[Eeyore79]

He doesn't know it's bothering me, because he doesn't even know that I know that she's his ex. He told me she's his "friend"... he has other friends too, it makes me wonder how many of them are also exes! I guess what bothers me also is that he didn't tell me she's his ex, and I could have made a huge idiot of myself by gushing to her about how much in love we are, etc. I feel like he didn't tell me she's his ex because he knew I'd have a problem with him seeing her; I feel like he's hiding the fact that she's his ex so he can continue seeing her.

 

I realise that my first step should be to talk to him about it... but if he refuses to stop seeing her one-on-one, what then? Do I dump him? If so, I would want it to be very clear that we're breaking up because he chooses his ex over me; i.e. he is the one ending the relationship by choosing to continue seeing another woman. The rest of our relationship is great, it's just this one situation that's causing problems.

[Kamille]

The thing is that you don't know why he presented her as a friend. There are guys I dated in my past with whom I still hang out (never one on one though) that I would most likely present as a friend to my bf because, by now, that's what they are to me. I no longer think of them with any idea of romance. It wouldn't even be a conscious decision on my part to call them "friends". That's just what they are.

 

So you have to bring this up and stop building it up in your head. Tell him you've figure out he's dated her and that it bothers you and makes you feel insecure. See how he responds and proceed from there. But give him a chance to respond!

 

Then hear him out. Maybe you will find his response quite satisfactory and none of this will be a problem for you anymore. Until you bring it up though, you have no way to know.

[phineas]

If a girl I was dating was hanging out with a guy friend & DID NOT tell me he was an ex i'd end it.

 

The simple fact she didn't think it was important to tell me she was hanging out with an ex is a red flag for me personally.

 

I've had to many women cheat on me with an ex they were "just friends with"

 

Now if the dude was the gay shopping buddy then I got no problems. LOL!

[Eeyore79]

There's a repeated theme in your posts that it's either her or you. That you'll have to issue an ultimatum, or tell him this is how he has to live his life.

 

I don't want to issue an ultimatum; I realise that I have no right to tell him who to be friends with etc. That's why I was thinking about breaking up with him - because I don't think it's fair to issue an ultimatum, but at the same time his ex hanging around makes me so uncomfortable that I can't put up with it. So if I can't tell him not to see her (which I can't, because issuing an ultimatum would be unfair), then the best option seems to be to end the relationship; we certainly can't continue dating when I constantly feel uncomfortable because this girl is around.

 

I don't know who dumped who, or how long they dated, or why they broke up, etc. I could ask my bf, but knowing the details wouldn't solve my problem with his ex hanging around. I don't see her as competition and I'm not insecure, I just think exes belong in the past - I don't really want to look at her and think that my bf has had sex with her etc, and it stirs my jealousy when he interacts with her. I'm not normally jealous, it's just the fact that he had a relationship with this woman before that makes me uncomfortable when I see the relationship continuing in front of my face, even if it's apparently only continuing as a friendship. I tend to think that once you've crossed that line with someone you can never go back; there will always be a bit more than just friendship because of their history, which is why I want her gone, and why I'm prepared to dump him rather than feel uncomfortable and jealous all the time.

[JanetD]

He doesn't know it's bothering me, because he doesn't even know that I know that she's his ex.

How did you discover that she is his ex?

[Kamille]

Kamille puts the sarcasm on:

 

Fine then. Don't try to work things out, don't talk things out and don't you dare try to figure out a compromise. Dump him. Don't let him have a say in the matter or try to reassure you. I mean, that wouldn't be dramatic enough right? Plus, you might have to revise your own hold on "the truth about exes being friends" and frankly, it doesn't sound like you love this man enough to do that. So, fine, go for it, break up with him.

 

Is that what you want us to say? Because, so far, you've ignored all the sound advice you've been given here. You say there are only two options 1) an ultimatum and 2) breaking up with him. We say there's a third option: 3) Talking with him and giving him a chance to have an input on potential solutions. This means you have to enter this conversation without trying to control the outcomes of it. This means you will have a conversation about how it makes you feel and open yourself up to HIS explanations and to HIS ability to reassure you and making you feel loved.

 

Or don't you believe he can do it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

edit: I just read your paranoid and distrustful thread and I'm left wondering if this isn't some kind of "test" you're setting up for him. In that thread, you say you're convinced any decent guy is probably a player. Do you think your bf is a player? Do you think given the opportunity he would cheat?

 

 

Do you trust him?

 

Also, am just an armchair psychologist, but it seems you're "outsourcing" your insecurities. Yes, your life experience made you distrustful of men and likely hurt you, and hurt your self-esteem enough, that you're now putting in defense mechanisms. This whole "ultimatum or break up" thread (which either way you look at it, would be an ultimatum) is you trying to control a situation in which you are increasingly vulnerable. This has nothing to do with him or his relationship with his friend-ex, and everything to do with your own beliefs about men's inability to be faithful. I hope you realize this.

 

But there is no way around it: the healthy thing to do is to allow yourself to be vulnerable and TALK to him about how this friendship makes you feel. Also, you will need to challenge your own beliefs about men: some of them can be trusted, and maybe just maybe your bf can show you that he deserves your trust if you give him a chance.

Edited May 24, 2010 by Kamille

[OceanTropic]

Well first of all, does he know this? If he knew how uncomfortable it makes you feel, he might reconsider his closeness with her.

 

The fact that he tells you she is his ex, and he doesn't lie about seeing her, makes him that much better of a man. Most men would avoid telling their girls, not because they would cheat, but because it would make women feel jealous or uncomfortable. You are lucky he is this honest with you.

 

If him seeing his ex bothers you enough to want to break up with him, and if you feel you will be much happier single than with him but with this situation, then go for it. In the end, its your happiness at stake.

 

I would first suggest you tell him how you feel, and see where the conversation goes. You never know, he might lessen the time he spends with her, or he might tell you "I'm sorry but I am not going to change that for you." Try talking it out first and then jump to a conclusion, it wouldn't be fair if you told him you are breaking up with him without him even knowing what is going on in your head.

 

I understand where you're coming from, because I would feel a bit uncomfortable too. But imagine you had a friend who was an ex, and your boyfriend broke up with you because of that. And you find out after he dumps you, wouldn't you appreciate he discussed it with you first?

Edited May 24, 2010 by OceanTropic

[Eeyore79]

How did you discover that she is his ex?

 

He never told me she is his ex; he always refers to her as his "friend". But she happened to mention something like "When Mark and I used to date..." which means she's his ex. Also we had a conversation about holidays, and he said he went to New York with his ex... there are Facebook photos of him in New York and it's her photo album, so she's obviously the ex he went to NY with.

 

I guess I sort of feel like he's lying, because he told me she was a friend, and she's not - she's his ex. Maybe he didn't tell me because typically girls don't like their bfs hanging out with their exes, and he obviously wants to continue hanging out with her so he didn't tell me. It makes me wonder why he wants to keep hanging out with her when they've split up... it does make me feel somewhat insecure, but I think the major emotion is jealousy... I wonder if he still loves her, or if she still loves him, and it makes me uncomfortable to see them together... especially when he hangs out with her on his own, just the two of them.

 

He doesn't know how uncomfortable I feel, because he doesn't know I know she's his ex. I feel awkward talking to him about it, because it makes me appear petty and jealous... plus I don't expect him to stop seeing her anyway, and I can't put up with it, so breaking up seems to be the only solution.

 

I don't necessarily think he's a player, I don't think he would cheat... but I don't trust her; I feel uncomfortable about him hanging out with a woman who he's been intimate with, and I feel uncomfortable about having to hang out with her myself in a group. It's not that I don't trust him, I just don't like having his past rubbed in my face the whole time.

[Kamille]

You would rather break up than risk seeming petty and jealous over a totally legitimate concern?

 

Any partner worth having would understand that the situation makes you uncomfortable.

 

Give him the chance to prove what he's made of. And stop making assumptions about why he hasn't told you about her until you talk to him.

Edited May 24, 2010 by Kamille