Why don't women ever initiate anything?

[PersonMan]

Also, if we are the ones who are supposed to initiate nearly everything, its very uneasy on us mentally because we like to have some reciprocation. We have no idea if you are just doing it because you really are interested, or because theres nobody else at the moment and we are just filling a void.

 

I think I speak for all guys when I say itd be nice for a damn girl to initiate something for once. How the hell do we know youre still interested if we are the ones doing all the work?

 

If it goes on long enough and then you end up leaving us, we look like ****in fools in the process.

[PersonMan]

Unless you're an 8/10 or higher you will have 0% of women initiate contact with you. Yes, ZERO. Not even fat women or old women. None. I could go about my business for the rest of my life and if I never initiated contact with women I would never even have a date let alone a relationship for the rest of my life.

 

 

I think I would have to agree with this.

 

I havent had a relationship in 5 years now, let alone a date. There are two different instances that COULD be considered dates but I dont consider them. Mostly because im just fed up with the opposite sex and want no part in allowing them to control me.

 

It does suck and gets extremely lonely but I embrace the independence, and im a guy who is constantly told that I am pretty attractive. Not saying im Brad Pitt here, just that looks I dont think really have much weight in the matter, regardless if attractive or not. I am sick of being told I should have a gf or that a person is surprised by my not having a SO because I look fairly attractive. Its got nothing to do with it.

[PersonMan]

That's the female way of taking the initiative. But I think some guys are looking for the women to initiate in the standard male way.

 

If a girl I see is giving me many signals that she is interested in me at a bar, in my eyes that's her initiating.

 

 

Actions speak louder than, well, words and in this case, signals.

 

 

Point is, we are the ones who are "wired" to do the pursuing and initiating, and while from a nature POV it seems fine, it would be nice if women just initiated something for once.

 

Guys go nuts over whether or not they think a broad is interested, and I think its during times like this, where we would appreciate them coming forward or initiating.

 

 

God only knows how many relationships you could have had, or really, how many you passed up, just by not approaching women for say 3 years. Basically, if you dont make the move, you dont get ****.

 

and its not about men and women meeting half way. Women barely meet anywhere in that regard.

Edited May 23, 2010 by PersonMan

[PersonMan]

I've initiated dating once, and don't know if i would again. its horrid. That fear of misinterpreting signals and getting rejected is huge.

 

It was mortifying, we had both been blatantly flirting for weeks, i finally asked if he wanted to go out and get a drink sometime and he flat out rejected me, as nicely as possible, but still, it really stings. It makes you question whether you misread all these signals, whether the attraction was mutual or you're just insane.

 

I dont think i'd do it again. I'm definitely ok with flirting and if i like someone i'll try to signal interest and create opportunities to do stuff (ie 'oh, i really want to go see that movie/show/blah blah but don't want to go on my own....?'), as well as initiating physical contact and sex in relationships (lots and lots of that), but its just too hard on the self-esteem to ask a guy out.

 

Have we established some empathy at least?

[You Go Girl]

Interesting thread title. I didn't read the entire thing, not enough patience for all that.

But!

I'm a woman who has initiated most of my relationships. I'm trying to think of one right now that I didn't...and I'm coming up mostly empty handed.

Married twice--I even asked the first H to marry me.

2nd H wanted to play the knight, so I let him, but I still initiated plenty.

Now I'm older, 46, not quite the young hottie, but I still have looks. Anyway, when I was a young woman, men I think were afraid to approach me. Men think blond skinny girls with confidence and are gregarious might reject them? Dunno...I would catch their eye, or give them the smile, and then I would be the initiator in conversation. Otherwise they mostly just talked to me nicely, or looked away embarrased if I caught them checking me out.

But then, I was also attracted to the shy quieter guys. Opposites attract.

I was often turned off by the men who approached me!

[lab_brat]

Have we established some empathy at least?

 

Oh absolutely, big props to anyone who can do that time and time again. In my defence i try not to flirt with people unless i do like them, to avoid all the mixed messages and awkwardness. And after that first contact im all for initiating the physical contact, its just that first part when you dont know if they actually like you or not. Dating blows.

[gypsy_nicky]

Brad Pitt looks aside , this is exactly the path I followed to maintaining my virginity into my mid-30's. Glad to hear your experience was more 'fulfilling'.

 

Since I've been separated, the only women who've 'approached' me have been married. That isn't what I'm looking for

 

I agree with this. Unless your extremely attractive, women will not initiate contact. Women have a variety of options (yes even the 5's and fatties) when it comes to men . It is still a social norm for men to pursue and women will happily oblige to it. Their looks are enough to pull in the men.

 

Phineas, you said you were fat when this happened...Were you loaded (or looked loaded) at that time. Because I find it hard to believe you were pursued. Your were either a) pursued by fat women or 4's and b) you thought you were being pursued.

[phineas]

I agree with this. Unless your extremely attractive, women will not initiate contact. Women have a variety of options (yes even the 5's and fatties) when it comes to men . It is still a social norm for men to pursue and women will happily oblige to it. Their looks are enough to pull in the men.

 

Phineas, you said you were fat when this happened...Were you loaded (or looked loaded) at that time. Because I find it hard to believe you were pursued. Your were either a) pursued by fat women or 4's and b) you thought you were being pursued.

 

Good question.

I do own a house & work in IT.

However I am not loaded.

Not by a long shot.

I drive a 10yr old car.

I buy my clothes from department stores when they have their clearance sales so while I do have nice clothes they didn't cost me much.

 

When I say fat i'm talking 240lbs+ on my 5'8" frame.

Now I also cut & split firewood so while my diet sucked I was fairly strong from manual labor so I did carry a good amount of muscle so while I had a gut I also have broad shoulders & thick arms.

 

The one before my STBXW was a gold digger. She thought I made good money & just wanted a portable ATM. I never spent a lot of money on her when we went out & I wound up dumping her. She got pissed & it became a little nightmare where she wouldn't leave me alone.

 

 

That turned me off of women for a while.

My STBXW dropped hints for weeks before she straight up asked me out.

I was about 220lbs then. still had a small gut.

She was cute but dressed frumpy.

 

Didn't realize until she was naked that she had visible ab muscles.

She was strong also.

damn near raped me on the 2nd date.

She also paid on the 2nd date.

 

After my separation I've dropped from 260 to 218 in the last yr I only NOW am starting to consider myself overweight instead of fat.

 

But every time my friends forced me to go out to a party last summer (gut and all. LOL!) I went and was just talking to women, cracking jokes, making them laugh their asses off ect. I also talked about loosing weight & getting back in shape which a lot of women my age are huge on.

It's amazing how much the average woman in her late 30's knows about nutrition & exercise compared to men.

 

But I just wasn't interested in finding a woman so I didn't flirt or hit on them at all. i'd just move on with the flow of the party & almost every time as I was leaving one of the women I talked to would approach me & ask for my number.

 

Then i'd explain I was recently separated & going through a divorce & i'd see that deer in the headlights look. LOL! they would ask for my number anyways A few have kept in touch through texting & what-not. I don't talk to them too much about my personal life other than i'm not quite divorced.

all they know is I have two kids & she thought the grass was greener.

 

This happened about 5 times last summer.

Only one just wanted sex & told me so afterword. Her I saw for a few weeks.

 

Now, I am 38 yrs old & these women are mid to late 30's and what I would consider attractive.

 

But I got the feeling they were looking for longterm relationships so that may be a factor?

 

I mean i'm a decent guy, somewhat intelligent & getting myself in shape.

I assume that means I have potential?

 

When I was down around 200lbs & in fighting shape i'd have to say if it wasn't for at least 1 woman a yr approaching me i'd of never gotten laid.

Just about every girl I approached rejected me.

 

I really don't know why because I approached all kinds of women.

Even some considered curvy because I liked their personality.

[hats]

It'd be great to be approached or asked on a date, but honestly I have to agree that it sets a bad precedent for the girl. Initiating tells the guy, I already like you so you don't have to put in that much work. But that's just not what they want. They want you to work for them. They want you to take them out on dates, buy them gifts, make them feel safe and protected, support them emotionally, and sometimes financially etc etc. And as a man I generally don't need or even want these things from my girlfriend.

 

Women just seem to naturally need more from a man than a man needs from a woman. Men are raised to be independent and hide their weaknesses. Before my first gf I thought a relationship was supposed to be like having another guy friend except you get to make out and have sex. Soon I learned this is called FWB and most women don't even consider it a real relationship.

 

So if a man doesn't like the girl enough or isn't proactive enough to approach or initiate, then can a woman really expect him to put in all the effort that she needs for him to make her happy? It's hard enough to find a guy who will put in all the work that a woman needs from a man, but it's only going to make it harder if she starts out the relationship doing the heavy lifting.

[phineas]

It'd be great to be approached or asked on a date, but honestly I have to agree that it sets a bad precedent for the girl. Initiating tells the guy, I already like you so you don't have to put in that much work. But that's just not what they want. They want you to work for them. They want you to take them out on dates, buy them gifts, make them feel safe and protected, support them emotionally, and sometimes financially etc etc. And as a man I generally don't need or even want these things from my girlfriend.

 

Women just seem to naturally need more from a man than a man needs from a woman. Men are raised to be independent and hide their weaknesses. Before my first gf I thought a relationship was supposed to be like having another guy friend except you get to make out and have sex. Soon I learned this is called FWB and most women don't even consider it a real relationship.

 

So if a man doesn't like the girl enough or isn't proactive enough to approach or initiate, then can a woman really expect him to put in all the effort that she needs for him to make her happy? It's hard enough to find a guy who will put in all the work that a woman needs from a man, but it's only going to make it harder if she starts out the relationship doing the heavy lifting.

 

That makes no sense at all.

If a woman approached a man & he thought because of this he had to put no effort in then why would this woman stay with him when she can just approach another man?

 

Just about every woman I approached either straight out rejected me or played games with me (not for long mind you) but they turned out to be major teases.

 

If a woman approaches me & follows through I put in an effort to let her know that I am interested also.

But I won't do all the work.

 

In other words, if I call her & she doesn't call me back?

Buh-bye.

If she cancels & doesn't reschedule right away?

Buh-bye.

 

This happens a lot with women who approach me I don't understand it.

How many times do I have to call a chick that asked me out before I loose her number?

 

I just have no desire to deal with that BS these days.

[somedude81]

I'm not sure about women initiating dates in the beginning. But they should at least flirt very heavily so they guy can figure out that she likes him and wants him to ask her out.

 

When it comes to reading to reading a girls signals, I might as well be blind. I just don't pick them up. I can't tell the difference between a girl being friendly and a girl showing interest.

 

But if a girl called me cute or good looking, I would right away figure it out. Or she could go out of her way to talk to me and touch me to show interest. I'll accept those actions as a replacement for asking me out.

 

During the actual relationship, I would expect her to do her part in getting physical. I would love to be woken up by a GF giving me a blowjob.

[You Go Girl]

Maybe I feel the way I do because I'm in the older 40's group. Life's too short to be wasting time, or missing opportunities.

If I was to meet a man and was interested, I'd ask him out, plain and simple.

That has nothing to do with heavy lifting, wanting to be an aggressor, wanting to be pampered and lured, or anything else about the future of the relationship.

It simply means that I want to know more about him. It starts and ends there, zero assumptions about the future are made at that point.

[bac]

You failed to see my point, I think most guys would prefer to have their girlfriend/wife initiate sex with them and initiate intimacy instead of a whore.

 

That is the funniest. It looks great as a fantasy, but IRL if a girl initiates sex when she wants it, a man will have no erection.

If your girl ever initiated sex with you, you would know how it would suck to have no d...ck when she asked you for a favor. If you were a girl and you would have several experiences of initiating sex, after those experiences, you would know for sure that there was no hope for girls to initiate sex. A normal man is able to have erection only if he initiates and wants to have sex himself.

 

And, I am talking about normal men, not about the super horny young guys who too desperate for sex because they have no sex IRL.

[MrNate]

That is the funniest. It looks great as a fantasy, but IRL if a girl initiates sex when she wants it, a man will have no erection.

If your girl ever initiated sex with you, you would know how it would suck to have no d...ck when she asked you for a favor. If you were a girl and you would have several experiences of initiating sex, after those experiences, you would know for sure that there was no hope for girls to initiate sex. A normal man is able to have erection only if he initiates and wants to have sex himself.

 

And, I am talking about normal men, not about the super horny young guys who too desperate for sex because they have no sex IRL.

 

I disagree, but we could just leave it at that I guess.

[somedude81]

That is the funniest. It looks great as a fantasy, but IRL if a girl initiates sex when she wants it, a man will have no erection.

If your girl ever initiated sex with you, you would know how it would suck to have no d...ck when she asked you for a favor. If you were a girl and you would have several experiences of initiating sex, after those experiences, you would know for sure that there was no hope for girls to initiate sex. A normal man is able to have erection only if he initiates and wants to have sex himself.

 

And, I am talking about normal men, not about the super horny young guys who too desperate for sex because they have no sex IRL.

I was going to make a comment about how you were wrong but then I got to the last sentence. At least I'm 28 so not actually a young guy. But the whole being super horny and being too desperate for sex because I don't get any thing sticks

[phineas]

That is the funniest. It looks great as a fantasy, but IRL if a girl initiates sex when she wants it, a man will have no erection.

If your girl ever initiated sex with you, you would know how it would suck to have no d...ck when she asked you for a favor. If you were a girl and you would have several experiences of initiating sex, after those experiences, you would know for sure that there was no hope for girls to initiate sex. A normal man is able to have erection only if he initiates and wants to have sex himself.

 

And, I am talking about normal men, not about the super horny young guys who too desperate for sex because they have no sex IRL.

 

My STBXW would wake me up in the middle of the night with a BJ because she wanted sex.

I was 37 at the time.

I had zero problem getting a hard-on for her.

[bac]

My STBXW would wake me up in the middle of the night with a BJ because she wanted sex.

I was 37 at the time.

I had zero problem getting a hard-on for her.

 

In other words, it would be boring if women did not take any initiative.

I love to take initiative, but I do it mostly with a well-known partner who wants my initiative for sure and who can handle it. If I am with a new partner, I would prefer to be safe because I am not sure what he can handle.

[John K]

That is the funniest. It looks great as a fantasy, but IRL if a girl initiates sex when she wants it, a man will have no erection.

If your girl ever initiated sex with you, you would know how it would suck to have no d...ck when she asked you for a favor. If you were a girl and you would have several experiences of initiating sex, after those experiences, you would know for sure that there was no hope for girls to initiate sex. A normal man is able to have erection only if he initiates and wants to have sex himself.

 

And, I am talking about normal men, not about the super horny young guys who too desperate for sex because they have no sex IRL.

Wanna bet? I live sex, period.

[legallyblonde289]

That is the funniest. It looks great as a fantasy, but IRL if a girl initiates sex when she wants it, a man will have no erection.

If your girl ever initiated sex with you, you would know how it would suck to have no d...ck when she asked you for a favor. If you were a girl and you would have several experiences of initiating sex, after those experiences, you would know for sure that there was no hope for girls to initiate sex. A normal man is able to have erection only if he initiates and wants to have sex himself.

 

And, I am talking about normal men, not about the super horny young guys who too desperate for sex because they have no sex IRL.

 

i disagree. ive initiated plenty of times and the guy pretty much gets an erection immediately:p

[John K]

i disagree. ive initiated plenty of times and the guy pretty much gets an erection immediately:p

It's a a man's duty to initiate sex.