Hi everyone.

[habs53]

Have i really done all i could? Heres what i have done....

Got mad at her and chased her around the house

Got mad at her and through her wedding rings at her

Picked on her constantly

Told her to leave

Then after she left i still picked on her, even went to her work.

 

Remember, this woman did not want to leave. She got so pissed at me she left. I did this not because of her internet friend, because she said she didnt love me anymore. She said she had this feeling for a while, well before the internet thing. She even agreed to stay, then my negativity got the best of me again. She outright told me that my negativity is what made her fall out of love. She told me that she didnt know if she could get those feeling back. She didnt say it was impossibe.

 

This is a woman that kept looking at me when she thought i wasnt looking. Loved to be complimented by me, but didnt want to here anymore negative stuff. Believe me, i did not help my situation at all.

 

Now she is gone. Im not sure the degree of this internet thing. When i asked her about who she was talking to in front of my son, she said it was her friend and her son. (i know both these people and her son is an adult now) My son told me she was talking to some guy named Matt. Im not sure but the more i think about it, im pretty sure that is the name of her friends son.(mathew) Maybe she was telling the truth. I dont know. That the problem, theres a real trust issue with me now, that she considers controling. This whole thing has totally snowballed to maybe the point of no return.

 

Yes this may be a complete waste of time, but at least then i can say i tryed everything. Oh, the 2 going will outright confront her about the internet thing. Make her know its not right, and everybody knows about it.

Edited June 21, 2010 by habs53

[Chrome Barracuda]

Have i really done all i could? Heres what i have done....

Got mad at her and chased her around the house

Got mad at her and through her wedding rings at her

Picked on her constantly

Told her to leave

Then after she left i still picked on her, even went to her work.

 

Remember, this woman did not want to leave. She got so pissed at me she left. I did this not because of her internet friend, because she said she didnt love me anymore. She said she had this feeling for a while, well before the internet thing. She even agreed to stay, then my negativity got the best of me again. She outright told me that my negativity is what made her fall out of love. She told me that she didnt know if she could get those feeling back. She didnt say it was impossibe.

 

This is a woman that kept looking at me when she thought i wasnt looking. Loved to be complimented by me, but didnt want to here anymore negative stuff. Believe me, i did not help my situation at all.

 

Now she is gone. Im not sure the degree of this internet thing. When i asked her about who she was talking to in front of my son, she said it was her friend and her son. (i know both these people and her son is an adult now) My son told me she was talking to some guy named Matt. Im not sure but the more i think about it, im pretty sure that is the name of her friends son.(mathew) Maybe she was telling the truth. I dont know. That the problem, theres a real trust issue with me now, that she considers controling. This whole thing has totally snowballed to maybe the point of no return.

 

Yes this may be a complete waste of time, but at least then i can say i tryed everything. Oh, the 2 going will outright confront her about the internet thing. Make her know its not right, and everybody knows about it.

 

Listen!!!

 

She never wanted another chance with you, still doesnt! there was never a chance. As long as OM was in the picture in any shape way or form. Your fighting an uphill battle. Yeah logically you may be the better choice. but lets' be real she's a FEMALE, in affairs females and males alike do not employ logic. It's all about her feelings. Dealing with her in this affair is like dealing with a crack addict!

 

Next, why waste your time, we all know that even if you fought for your marriage, what good would it have done if she is leaving?

 

Dude, SHE LEFT!

 

That right there summed it up. Yeah you could have went crazy, demanded she not talk to the OM, did plan A, yadda, yadda. Negativity or not.

 

These female friends talking to her is a waste of time. Right now, the best thing is for you to get a new life. Move on, rebuild yourself. Change for the better. In order for your wife to even want to consider coming back she has to make that realization for herself, by herself.

 

Lastly, did you treat her like crap or was you a good husband, because either way, if you was good and she left for some other duchebag, Even when she's treated in a great way, she leaves? WTF then what's the point of even wanting this woman back. She's the idiot not you! there's other females out here, why waste time on one that is not coming back! wake up!

[hopesndreams]

Have i really done all i could? Heres what i have done....

Got mad at her and chased her around the house

Got mad at her and through her wedding rings at her

Picked on her constantly

Told her to leave

Then after she left i still picked on her, even went to her work.

 

You did those things after she told you she was leaving. Don't forget that and don't beat yourself up too much. Emotions ran high. She told you she no longer loved you. Stuff like that makes us mere humans go crazy.

 

Remember, this woman did not want to leave. She got so pissed at me she left. I did this not because of her internet friend, because she said she didnt love me anymore. She said she had this feeling for a while, well before the internet thing. She even agreed to stay, then my negativity got the best of me again. She outright told me that my negativity is what made her fall out of love. She told me that she didnt know if she could get those feeling back. She didnt say it was impossibe.

 

She did want to leave though and was only placating you by telling you she'll stay for a bit. She did this for her own selfish reasons because she needed more time to move out. Her intention was to string you along and give you time to be more accepting of the situation. You showed her you weren't a doormat, that's a good thing!

 

This is a woman that kept looking at me when she thought i wasnt looking. Loved to be complimented by me, but didnt want to here anymore negative stuff. Believe me, i did not help my situation at all.

 

She didn't want to hear negative stuff eh? Well, boo hoo. How could you have been positive when she said she didn't love you and was leaving you?

 

Now she is gone. Im not sure the degree of this internet thing. When i asked her about who she was talking to in front of my son, she said it was her friend and her son. (i know both these people and her son is an adult now) My son told me she was talking to some guy named Matt. Im not sure but the more i think about it, im pretty sure that is the name of her friends son.(mathew) Maybe she was telling the truth. I dont know. That the problem, theres a real trust issue with me now, that she considers controling. This whole thing has totally snowballed to maybe the point of no return.

 

Yes this may be a complete waste of time, but at least then i can say i tryed everything. Oh, the 2 going will outright confront her about the internet thing. Make her know its not right, and everybody knows about it.

 

Ok, so this is your last ditch effort? Will you then move on? I hope you do, for your own sanity.

[habs53]

I hear you people i really do, i get one set of advice from one side and one from another. Its really confusing. I have deleted her from facebook, but my mom phoned today to tell me she still shows us as married. Also one of my ex girls friends are on facebook and she sent a reqest to be added to my sons. My ex girlfriend has been providing support for me, nothing more. She didnt realize my wife controls his acct. My wife added her. lol She knows who she is as well. I really dont know what this woman is thinking in her head. Maybe she doesnt even know.lol

[just_some_guy]

Any way you want to look at it, there is an incredible amount of very, very bad advice on this thread and on this forum.

 

This forum has a lot of very hurt, vindictive people. Some of them are so much in pain that either consciously or not, they are trying to get back at their own SO's that they give really awful advice about dealing with other's.

 

Habs, YOU need to get yourself into individual counseling pronto and get to the heart of what you have going on inside. You marriage may be over or you may reconcile. However, you can turn this trauma into an opportunity for growth and healing within yourself.

 

This getting mad, throwing things and so on, it ain't good. The suspicion, the anger, all that stuff. It's your part, you need to get a handle on it. Nothing, nothing, nothing is going to stand a chance until you get a solid handle on your own stuff. You'd be better off backing away from your W, letting her live a little on her own and seeing what you can do about YOU.

[hopesndreams]

Any way you want to look at it, there is an incredible amount of very, very bad advice on this thread and on this forum.

 

This forum has a lot of very hurt, vindictive people. Some of them are so much in pain that either consciously or not, they are trying to get back at their own SO's that they give really awful advice about dealing with other's.

 

This is the perspective of someone that had left his M. You left your W or are about to?

 

Habs, YOU need to get yourself into individual counseling pronto and get to the heart of what you have going on inside. You marriage may be over or you may reconcile. However, you can turn this trauma into an opportunity for growth and healing within yourself.

 

This getting mad, throwing things and so on, it ain't good. The suspicion, the anger, all that stuff. It's your part, you need to get a handle on it. Nothing, nothing, nothing is going to stand a chance until you get a solid handle on your own stuff. You'd be better off backing away from your W, letting her live a little on her own and seeing what you can do about YOU.

 

Do not be an emotional support for your W. She's left you, that means she needs to live life without you. That gives her the opportunity to experience what it means to not have you in her life. By the time she might realize what she is losing, you may not even want her.

[whichwayisup]

Counselling will help you cope with all this and also give you coping techniques so you don't lose control, don't go into a spiral of depression/anger.

 

My ex girlfriend has been providing support for me, nothing more.

My suggestion - Don't rely on an ex, or any other woman right now. Talk to men friends and go to counseling. You ARE vunerable right now. Not saying your ex is interested in you or is taking advantage of you, but YOUR OWN emotions are all over the place right now and the last thing you need is to become too emotionally attached to your ex and rely on her too much.

[habs53]

Counselling will help you cope with all this and also give you coping techniques so you don't lose control, don't go into a spiral of depression/anger.

 

 

My suggestion - Don't rely on an ex, or any other woman right now. Talk to men friends and go to counseling. You ARE vunerable right now. Not saying your ex is interested in you or is taking advantage of you, but YOUR OWN emotions are all over the place right now and the last thing you need is to become too emotionally attached to your ex and rely on her too much.

 

You know, you are right. I went to sleep right last night actually thinking of her and my wife. Truly mixed up i am. I mean its only been 3 weeks. Some days i actually think maybe im going to see if the grass is greener for myself. Take care of myself. I dont believe any woman wants a cry baby lol. I have always been good with women. I have been flirting with a few girls from work an facebook. It helps me regain my self confidence, not much more to it. Im trying not to worry at this time if my wife is coming back. I have not spoke to her in weeks. But the next i do see her, i will give her a quick hug, ask her how her day was. Then leave.

[habs53]

Any way you want to look at it, there is an incredible amount of very, very bad advice on this thread and on this forum.

 

This forum has a lot of very hurt, vindictive people. Some of them are so much in pain that either consciously or not, they are trying to get back at their own SO's that they give really awful advice about dealing with other's.

 

Habs, YOU need to get yourself into individual counseling pronto and get to the heart of what you have going on inside. You marriage may be over or you may reconcile. However, you can turn this trauma into an opportunity for growth and healing within yourself.

 

This getting mad, throwing things and so on, it ain't good. The suspicion, the anger, all that stuff. It's your part, you need to get a handle on it. Nothing, nothing, nothing is going to stand a chance until you get a solid handle on your own stuff. You'd be better off backing away from your W, letting her live a little on her own and seeing what you can do about YOU.

Yeah i realize that, but the fact is they may be right. Im prepairing for the worst but will still hang on to the little hope for the sake of my family. That thowing stuff was weeks ago when she still lived here. I do go to counsiling but its only once every 3 weeks lol. Thats some help. Anyways, when i get down lately and think about her, i say to myself me me me. This sounds crazy but it seems to work. I know im a good and fun person. I will make this woman realize that she is the one that is losing, not i.

Edited June 22, 2010 by habs53

[hopesndreams]

Some days i actually think maybe im going to see if the grass is greener for myself. Take care of myself. I dont believe any woman wants a cry baby lol

 

Anyways, when i get down lately and think about her, i say to myself me me me. This sounds crazy but it seems to work. I know im a good and fun person. I will make this woman realize that she is the one that is losing, not i.

 

You're making great strides in such a short time. Keep it up!

[habs53]

Well i spoke on the phone very breifly for the first time in 2 weeks to my wife. She was at work so she didnt have much time.

 

I mentioned to her about our sons ears problem to break the ice a bit.

Then i very simply told her that i ageed with her and did not see a future for our marriage

Then i told her i was sorry about neglecting her and i was not going to live in the past

I told her i agreed that this separation is good.

I told her that im not a mean person and if she does need help once in a while i will support her for example picking up my son or something.

 

She basically told me she didnt want to be rude but had to go. She had a customer. I have no idea if she took this to heart but i think this was the right thing to do.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You laid it out there, that's all you could have done. Now actions speak louder than words my friend. Now is the time for you to show you are moving on.

 

She was rude to you on the phone, that wasnt neccessary.

 

So stay LC with her, do not contact her unless it's an emergency or it's about your son. It's all about you now. I'd file for divorce and have her served. end it the right way.

 

I mean why pine over a chick that hates you? Even if you are married to her. The woman your divorcing is not the woman you married.

[habs53]

No she wasnt rude at all. She actually did have a customer. She always has been nice when im not negative. With the devorce thing, i really dont have the money for that at this time. I plan on thinking about me and me only. I have been doing that for some time now. All this has done is put her back on my side a bit. I am treating her like she is no differnent than any other woman. I will have to speak to her about my son and stuff like that but it will be positive stuff. I feel like now im in control of my future and not her. So help me, she will regret this some day. They usually do. lol

 

Oh and by the way, that ebook stop your divorce is really a good read. Basically agree with you spouse on everything. Move on with your life. Limited contact, but be positive. Its allot of the same advice given here.

Edited June 24, 2010 by habs53

[habs53]

Well, i just informed her my txt that she is paying half of the grading present my son just got. Half of his dentist appt tomorrow since i have no job and no insurance. Paying his prescription since i paid the last. And half the cat food for her cat she left. Doest sound like much but it does come to around 250 bucks. She only makes 12 an hour and is taking allot of cab rides because i dont drive her anymore. Pays for her food which i did before. All kinds of stuff. She pays 700 month for her rent. She has credit cards ect. She is going to feel the pinch really quickly.

You see, the mortgage to this house comes from her acct. I transfer money to it to pay it. So this way i make sure i get what she owes me. That was a big thing in this stop this divorce ebook. Be very stick over financal stuff. All makes sence to me.

[trippi1432]

Habs - Looking back thru your posts and noting the ages, with the depression and back and forth actions.....have you checked to see if this is a mid-life crisis.

 

Just some information on this, but worth checking out as well. Link

[habs53]

Habs - Looking back thru your posts and noting the ages, with the depression and back and forth actions.....have you checked to see if this is a mid-life crisis.

 

Just some information on this, but worth checking out as well. Link

Actually i have thought of that. That would not be a good thing at all. Not that anything else is right now, lol I would have no idea how to save a marriage from something like that. I guess time will tell.

[trippi1432]

Actually i have thought of that. That would not be a good thing at all. Not that anything else is right now, lol I would have no idea how to save a marriage from something like that. I guess time will tell.

 

Well, in that post above, click on the work "Link" and that will take you to some information on coping with mid-life. There are other resources available as well....I know that there have been other materials that have been posted on LS and you can google it for more info.

[habs53]

Well well, i dont know what to say here. I talked my sister inlaw today and she told me that my reaction to my wifes internet problem was over blown lol. She said that her and her husband both agree that there is nothing wrong with what she is doing. They both do it. Can you imagine.

 

She told me she in not taking sides. I told her to picture this happening to her and how she would feel. No counsiling, nothing. She seemed very uncomfortable talking about this, but she did kinda nod her head in agreement. So if the rest of her family doesnt see anything wrong with this i guess im screwed. So basically, i will get no help from her family on this one. She is staying out of it. She even told me, my wife tells her nothing. She basically has talked to her only a few times. I still think something is being hidden from me. I may be wrong.

 

At least i know now that i dont need her. Thats a good start.

 

Well i guess i should join a chatroom and look for someone else. It seems to be the in thing. One thing i do know i have in my favour, being a man my age gives me a huge advantage over women my age. Very few men want a woman there age. She is going to live a pretty crappy life.

 

I mean she still could be having a midlife crisis, i will do allot of research on this. I thank a special person on her for encouraging that.

Edited June 26, 2010 by habs53

[imagine]

I talked my sister inlaw today and she told me that my reaction to my wifes internet problem was over blown lol. She said that her and her husband both agree that there is nothing wrong with what she is doing. They both do it. Can you imagine.

 

Ditch enablers. Anyone that will not support your marriage must evaporate like spit on a windy roof.

[trippi1432]

Well well, i dont know what to say here. I talked my sister inlaw today and she told me that my reaction to my wifes internet problem was over blown lol. She said that her and her husband both agree that there is nothing wrong with what she is doing. They both do it. Can you imagine.

 

Sorry you didn't get the support you were looking for here. Those chat room addictions can be just as bad as alcoholism and denial runs high.

 

She told me she in not taking sides. I told her to picture this happening to her and how she would feel. No counsiling, nothing. She seemed very uncomfortable talking about this, but she did kinda nod her head in agreement. So if the rest of her family doesnt see anything wrong with this i guess im screwed. So basically, i will get no help from her family on this one. She is staying out of it. She even told me, my wife tells her nothing. She basically has talked to her only a few times. I still think something is being hidden from me. I may be wrong.

 

At least i know now that i dont need her. Thats a good start.

 

Habs - This is where you start working on you then....as we talked about in PM, if there is absolutely no way you can get her to talk to a doctor about her mental health....and obviously she is not going to give up the Internet thing....seeing you moving on as taking care of yourself...bettering yourself...she "could" come around. I say that as an Unknown

 

Well i guess i should join a chatroom and look for someone else. It seems to be the in thing. One thing i do know i have in my favour, being a man my age gives me a huge advantage over women my age. Very few men want a woman there age. She is going to live a pretty crappy life.

 

Habs - understandable that it's very upsetting, but don't get spiteful....it will show on you worse than a tan line around your ring finger. (And I am a woman your age who gets hit on by live men - not chat room men - from ages 23 to 49). Sorry, had to throw that out there for own self-esteem (me being selfish in your post).

 

I mean she still could be having a midlife crisis, i will do allot of research on this. I thank a special person on her for encouraging that.

 

Just remember, do the research on the mid-life first.....if this is what it is...it could be a lengthy process....you have to determine how much you are willing to put up with there....I didn't get a choice on mine...he just moved right on.

 

I recall in MC when my ex stopped going, the counselor told me that it's not unheard of for mid-life crisis to hit in the 30's, 40's and 50's.....so a specific age doesn't really have anything to with it. In addition, there are so many things that can trigger it such as the recent loss of her mother and feeling as if she needs to find more to life before she passes on....empty nest, feeling like something is missing in her life. Again, read up on the entire subject of mid-life so you can determine what course of action you want to take.

[habs53]

Trippi, you are the best. You should pat yourself on the back. I will definately do some research. Also i do agree with letting her sister vanish from my thoughts. Obviously her marriage is no better than mine. I can see something happening there eventually. Probably when there daughter get older.

[trippi1432]

Trippi, you are the best. You should pat yourself on the back. I will definately do some research. Also i do agree with letting her sister vanish from my thoughts. Obviously her marriage is no better than mine. I can see something happening there eventually. Probably when there daughter get older.

 

Thanks Habs, I just try to help where I can. :o

 

Keep posting and keep working on things (especially you). Best thing you can do for you and your child. You can PM me anytime if you like as well.

 

Stay Strong.

[habs53]

Hi everyone. Well its been a full month now. I have found a thread from another forum and this poor fellow is having the same problem i am. It clearly seems after reading this that my wife is clearly depressed. After her mom got sick she stopped eating. I mean all she ate was maybe a biscuit all day and maybe a child size serving of food when she got home. It appears this lack of eating may be causing the problem. Lack of minerals and stuff will cause this. Well unforntunately i cannot make her eat. Although my son has told me that mommy stopped drinking coke and now drinks milk instead. I hope this is true. Its a start. I am going to get my son to start making his mother eat. I dont know if this will make her come home but this is my sons mom and i want her healthy. It says depression usually last for 8 months. This story is weirdly similar to mine.

I have an appointment with my counsellor this week. Im going to prob his mind about how to deal with a depressed person. He must have dealt with couples like this.

http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?p=197206

[Gunny376]

I personally avoided military psychologist and such because anything you say to them isn't confidential and can be used against you in court martial. Not to say that I ever did anything illegal, or such ~ but I have did and commanded such things that your typical civilian wouldn't consider "normal" on main street ~ thing is they weren't on "main-street" in downtown Baghdad.

 

Be it the Bush Administration or the Obama administration the words, "Waste the MotherTruckers" have a different meaning?

 

And different consequences? One your a hero, the other your a loser!

 

My point?

 

I avoided mental health providers like the plague.

 

I was finally forced into seeing one ~ and I should have seen one years and years ago.

 

I got on the meds, and the anxiety, the nightmares, the tossing and turning in my sleep, the sweating, the cold and hot flashes, the depression ~ they're all gone. The Hyper Attentiveness? Sleeping like a new-born (Waking up every two hours)

 

Is gone!

 

The general anxiety and anger ~ being PO at the World and everyone in it is gone!

 

I'm making notes about things to discuss with my psychologist and keeping a Journal these days that I got from WalMart ~ and that my children (whom I'm estranged from because of the XHEX)

 

I HAD to do what I had to do ~ and it cost be BIG time! And I did it for my children. They don't know it, nor see it because of their mother's insecrities ~ and I as a male and as a man didn't understand how women can be ~ although you women understand such.

 

But I can go to my grave knowing that I gave a 110% to my wife, to my children, to the Corps, and to my Country.

 

Or at least tried and gave it my damnest!

[wrencn]

Habs- while I'm sure the lack of nutrients is only making her situation worse, I would bet that her mothers death is the reason she is depressed. I'm not sure how much older her mother is than her but she could be freaking out right now about her own mortality. And as trippi said, a MLC does sound about right. I have struggled with depression and anxiety most of my adult life and it is a terrible disease. You do things that don't make any sense but at the time it seems like the only thing that makes sense. I cringe at many of the things I've done when I was in that black hole of despair. I hope your wife gets the help she needs before it is too late for your marriage. (((HUGS)))