piscis Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Background: Together for a year. He left home in February for 50 days, he came back in order to have mental peace, deal with guilt and leave his daughter and W without regrets. We talked of a period of 4 months for him to do that. During this time we are still seeing each other. Emotionally it has been very hard on me because he returned, and he always tells me this is his way of dealing with it and there is nothing I can do about it, that he loves me and plans to be with me. Yesterday night we were at my place and he asked for my permisson to make a call home, I told him I was Ok with that, for the whole year if he had to call he did this infront of me, well he stood up the bed, closed the door and made the call in the living room. When I saw him leaving I asked him why and he said it was just because of the noise from the TV so I put it off, then he told me not to be curious (like in a playing tone). Was I wrong to be mad? I told him that I was mad because of the attitude so he told me it was to protect me because their conversations are friendly and I could misunderstood!! I want them to be friendly, for him to have a good communication with her and regarding her daughter I want them to be friendly but what was wrong on me listening a friendly conversation as I have heard them during a year. Anyway and here is where I need more help of all of you with a comment and advice, at the end I apologized because he told me he asked first and that if it was going to be an issue he would have not made the call and he told me this speech about if I tell you before hand bad if I do not tell you bad so I am the one that do not give him options is he just messing with my head? As I told you at the end I apologize because he wanted to avoid problems by being honest and I am the one that is always bringing trouble to the relationship.
Owl Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I'd say that you have plenty of reason to be concerned. If he's not willing to talk to her in front of you...he's hiding something.
LostIt2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Is this post serious? You are concerned about what he is hiding from you while he makes calls to his wife whom he is hiding an affair with you from? wow.
ladydesigner Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Is this post serious? You are concerned about what he is hiding from you while he makes calls to his wife whom he is hiding an affair with you from? wow. Yeah I tend to agree. He is STILL married.
PhoenixRise Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 He doesn't want you listening to their conversations now because he knows you won't like what you hear. Piscis, he went home. and he is not behaving (with you) the way one would expect if he was only going home with the intention of leaving again in a few months. If you were to talk to his wife, she would probably tell you that he came home to work on the marriage/ reconcile. If he was actually planning to leave again to be with you don't you think he would be talking to you about his actual plans to leave? the preparations he is making to ease the transition? the support systems he is setting up to make this all easier on his child? He is making no actual plans with you and he is manipulating you into staying quiet about your concerns. Listen to your own instincts here. He is not planning to leave.
nadiaj2727 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Piscis, In another post I said, please don't be naive. I repeat that here. He is living with his wife and most of his conversations don't revolve around him leaving. At this point it sounds to me like NONE of them do, or why would she still be letting him live there when she has already threatened to divorce him if he didn't stop his affair? He is working to get/stay in her good graces and to keep the marriage, not to leave it. So when he is talking to her he is talking lovey dovey and sweet and he doesn't want you to hear it. At the same time he is lying to her about you, obviously she has no idea he is still with you. Like I've asked you before, I'll ask you again: is this really the man you want? Why? I know these words aren't nice to hear but I am just trying to help you see reality. I am sorry you are experiencing this pain but you are the only one who has to key out of it. I am not saying it will never work out but it clearly isn't working out like this -- him living at home and sucking up to her and keeping you in the dark and hurting both of you. Good luck.
Brokenlady Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Anyway and here is where I need more help of all of you with a comment and advice, at the end I apologized because he told me he asked first and that if it was going to be an issue he would have not made the call and he told me this speech about if I tell you before hand bad if I do not tell you bad so I am the one that do not give him options is he just messing with my head? As I told you at the end I apologize because he wanted to avoid problems by being honest and I am the one that is always bringing trouble to the relationship. He's messing with you. Making you feel guilty for stressing him out during this "difficult" time takes the heat offf of him to do the right thing. My DM did similar things to me - everytime I'd call him out on things he'd quickly turn it around on me and by the end of the conversation I'd be apologizing to him and wondering what happened. He's making you feel like you're crazy to keep you in line so he can do what he wants to whenever he wants. I've been there. And I'd bet he's doing that crap to his wife too. DO NOT fall for it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 He had such a hard time leaving his wife and daughter the first time that he went back home. Now he says he needs four months to leave without regrets? I could understand if he really wanted to be divorced and would leave his wife without regrets, but do you really think a parent can leave their own child without regret particularly if it crushed the poor kid the first time he left? Is coming home, and then turning around and leaving again once his kid gets used to 'having daddy home' really supposed to help his seven year old? What could he possibly say that she would even begin to understand or accept? He's hiding his conversation with his wife. That means that there is something you aren't supposed to know. My money is on the fact that he is telling her that he is ending things with you, and telling you that he is ending things with her - while not intending to do either. I'm thinking the four months is more of a way to ease you back into a more compliant position than it is about him leaving, regrets or no. Is it ok for you to be mad? Sure, your feelings are hurt. Being mad at him isn't going to be nearly as constructive as when you get to the point of being mad at yourself for being so blind in this situation.
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