jenny Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 just a random survey - i think all know my opinions on the topic, so i won't repost. now, this makes no claims towards any kind of legitimacy; i am just interested in what you LSers have to say. more specifically: 1. what actions by your SO would you consider intrusive? a. looking at or through your email b. looking at your loveshack posts without your explicit request/permission c. opening your snail mail d. checking your history of internet sites, cookies, or downloads e. checking for forensic evidence of masturbation f. asking questions about time, place, and process of masturbation g. what was thought about at the time of masturbation. h. digging through desks, closets, or other pointedly 'hidden' spaces. 2. how much privacy do you feel adults should have? how much privacy should partners in a committed relationship have? 3. what, if anything, do you think about 'the philosophy of privacy'? do you have specific thoughts or expectations about privacy? 4. how much privacy were you allowed growing up? did men or women have more privacy in your culture/family? i know there are problems with porn. i am wondering how the privacy question is handled or thought about by people; this is a sincere request to try and understand a mentality that i cannot right now.
Arabess Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 When I was in my 'long serious relationship' ....he was a computer wiz. We actually 'networked' our computers together so he could maintenance mine while he was in AZ and I was in FL. He always had access to all my stuff and I had passwords to all his stuff. We had no secrets. He would laugh at some of my 'baby baby eMALE buddies' as he called them. Did he ever feel threatened? Not a chance. Then again, I didn't balk at his 'prized collection' of porn either. I didn't care. He used to send me copies of his 'new found' favorites....and I in return....would send him a few 'goodies' I would find from time to time. I don't really have a 'philosophy of privacy'. I have a philosophy of being who you are and either someone accepts and loves you for it....or they don't. If they don't....they can get the hell out early on....cause the relationship is DOOMED anyway. If I felt I had to 'check up on someone'....then it's no longer a relationship to me...it becomes a joke. BUT.....Did I hack his email AFTER we broke up???? YOU BET!
Thinkalot Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 I have been guilty of some snooping myself in the past, as has my partner ...although we both aren't proud of our actions, which were not motivated by healthy emotions. The snooping did not make us feel good, because we both did not like what we found/read/saw! I honestly believe we dont keep secrets from each other...so it's not like there are hidden secrets to find anymore anyway and I think we've both learnt our lessons (especially me, as I was probably the most regular snoop- looking for evidence that his former marriage was, after all, better than our relationship! All I did was find wedding albums with old love letters tucked away in them, which did not help my state of mind at the time, AT ALL!).... My partner meanwhile read sections of an old diary of mine, and flipped out when he made some discoveries about my sexual past. He dealt with it, but it was not fun for either of us. And we could not really accuse the other of snooping, since we were guilty ourselves! Thank goodness we've been there, done that and grown past it!! I think privacy should be respected. You should not snoop through a partners phone or email messages or snailmail, unless you know it is OK with them. You should not read their private diary or any other private letters they may have stashed away. We both have each others passwords to things, and really don't mind the other looking, so that's cool for us. Your partner deserves respect. Snooping is not healthy. It's a sign of mistrust and insecurity and an unhealthy relationship. Growing up, it was mostly just Mum and I in a household together, and we were so open with each other, privacy was not a huge deal. To my knowledge, she did not however, ever snoop through my diaries or anything like that. As for masturbation/porn...it's not an issue in my relationship, so I really can't comment. We either watch it together, or tell each other about it. No secrets there.
DerangedAngel Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 I wouldn't find any of #1 intrusive, I'm not a person that requires/cares for much privacy. I don't mind when someone checks up on me, although my current SO doesn't. For #2... I feel adults should have loads of privacy, if that is what they need or want. I think in your relationship with your family, friends, and SO's the two people involved should establish how much privacy they need. If in a romantic relationship, your current SO needs more privacy than you are willing to give and you just can't take it - you should find someone else who shares your views on this. It can become a MAJOR issue. #3... Kind of taking a pass on this one. As I said above, I don't really feel like I have a need to keep anything from my boyfriend. But in relationships with other people, I have like a default privacy setting that must be respected. The more you interact with someone the more they recognize this and how you feel about what they can and cannot do/ask. #4... Pretty much none. For the majority of my pre-teen through teen years I was without a bedroom door, and unable to lock the door to my bathroom. My mom checked my room for illegal substances whenever she pleased, went through my garbage, etc. Amazingly enough, none of this ever bothered me as I *usually* had nothing to hide. However, as I recently entered the world of 'adulthood' - the greatest thing ever for me is locking my bathroom door. Go figure. -Deranged
Thinkalot Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Jenny I may have missed some of your earlier posts, but what are your opinions...I take it you believe in privacy, respect, live and let live...porn is OK..and so on
Author jenny Posted January 26, 2004 Author Posted January 26, 2004 yes, completely. privacy is very important to me as an individual. i think my thinking is limited about it, though, because posts where privacy is (to my mind) grossly intruded upon sort of upset and confuse me. i would like to get a better feeling for the spectrum of thoughts and ideas about it.
Papillon Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 To me, as in everything in life, it's not the act of snooping, but the motivation behind it... the snooping is just a symptom of distrust...if you found out your SO has been snooping in your stuff - introspect HARD as to why you think they are suspicious.
Author jenny Posted January 26, 2004 Author Posted January 26, 2004 i would assume they were suspicious because they were insecure.
dyermaker Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 I don't think it's an issue of having something to hide, I think it's an issue of respect and trust. If my love went through my e-mail, she'd find some spam and maybe a note from my dad. I wouldn't be upset as in "Oh no! She could find something!" more like "Oh, she doesn't trust me." I don't like the feeling of a relationship in which I am "checked up on", it seems so parental.
moimeme Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 what actions by your SO would you consider intrusive? a. looking at or through your email Not necessarily. I'd be likely to have told him everything. However, if I was helping someone with a confidential problem or planning a surprise for him, I'd not be as fine with it. b. looking at your loveshack posts without your explicit request/permission Nope. I've not said anything here that I wouldn't want my SO to know. I like being known. c. opening your snail mail Yes, only because mail (as in letters rather than bills) is a treat and a surprise so I'd want to be the first to read it. As for bills, again, if I'd bought something for him as a surprise, I'd be miffed. d. checking your history of internet sites, cookies, or downloads Again, I believe in sharing. If he wants to know - fine by me. e. checking for forensic evidence of masturbation f. asking questions about time, place, and process of masturbation Part of love life - bring it on g. what was thought about at the time of masturbation. Same answer as above. h. digging through desks, closets, or other pointedly 'hidden' spaces. And once again, ditto. Your questions don't seem to be about privacy, but rather about trust. 2. how much privacy do you feel adults should have? how much privacy should partners in a committed relationship have? That's something couples need to work out for themselves. Individuals have different privacy needs. Me, I'm fine with my SO knowing whatever he wants to know. However, I issue the caveat that he should not ask a question if he does not really want to hear the answer. 3. what, if anything, do you think about 'the philosophy of privacy'? do you have specific thoughts or expectations about privacy? I don't. My expectations vary. Again, it's based on trust. The more I trust someone, the more I will trust them with. I have nothing to hide, but that doesn't mean I bare everything to everyone. 4. how much privacy were you allowed growing up? did men or women have more privacy in your culture/family? I had as much as I wanted. I've been an independent human for a long time. My 'culture' is the same as yours. i know there are problems with porn. i am wondering how the privacy question is handled or thought about by people; this is a sincere request to try and understand a mentality that i cannot right now. You see, it's not privacy. It's about trust and marital issues. If a person feels s/he has to hide porn use, there's already a problem.
Papillon Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Originally posted by jenny I would assume they were suspicious because they were insecure. Whenever you are in a relationship, your personality and emotions may not be an island, a universe onto its own - if it is, then there is something very wrong. Now, with that in mind, realise that if your partner is insecure, YOU have a responsibility to alleviate that insecurity. Even if you're not doing anything to cause them to be insecure, you HAVE to treat your SO that that insecurity is replaced with a sense of security. Thus, my point is, if your partner is insecure, you should consider it YOUR fault, even if you haven't done anything wrong...it means that you haven't done enough to foster security. Nothing sucks more than an insecure partner...and it's VERY hard work to chase away that insecurity - it's a constant job.
moimeme Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Thus, my point is, if your partner is insecure, you should consider it YOUR fault, even if you haven't done anything wrong...it means that you haven't done enough to foster security. Wrongo. You are talking about 'trust', which you can affect, rather than insecurity, which is something personal. When we talk about 'insecurity', Papillon, we're talking about a person's own feelings of self-esteem. Only the person can do something about his or her own self-esteem. Yes, a person's partner should not be insulting, or do things to hurt self-esteem but NO partner is responsible for the other's self-esteem. Trust is the opposite. The partner absolutely does need to behave in a trustworthy manner and prove that he or she can be trusted. You absolutely can do something about fostering someone's trust - but even then, some people can be untrusting even when given no cause. Feelings need to be owned by their possessors. External parties do not create feelings for people.
Kriz Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Only the person can do something about his or her own self-esteem. I disagree. My self-esteem would reach heights beyond imagination if I had a team standing ready to applaud my every word or move. And Jenny: I would not like my girlfriend to find out I watch porn. Not because I am ashamed of it, but because I know she would be hurt. So I make sure she doesn't. (delete history and cookies) You may call me a hypocrite now, but it's the most effective way to avoid hurt feelings like Aprilfools.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 The ONLY time I require privacy is when I'm sitting on the toilet. Other than that, I'm an open book. My partner maintains my network and computers, and has complete access to all my accounts and email. He even visits this site regularly and reads my posts...and we often discuss and laugh about some of the topics here. He's even sitting behind me sometimes when I post. I also visit the forum he posts to regularly. My cell phone sits out on the kitchen table and he can check it at any time, and we split the bills 50/50 so he always has access to all phone records. It has never bothered me in the least. Of course, it might if I actually had something to hide. But I've never been any good at sneaking around, hiding evidence or telling lies. Hell, I can't even keep birthday or Christmas presents a secret without blowing the surprise! Nope, I know my limits so I don't even try. And its strange --- but I actually LIKE that I'm able to remain absolutely transparent where my partner is concerned. But I ALWAYS lock the bathroom door!!
moimeme Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 but I actually LIKE that I'm able to remain absolutely transparent where my partner is concerned. Me, too
Errol Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Originally posted by jenny 1. what actions by your SO would you consider intrusive? a. looking at or through your email We have one email address for both of us. No secrets there. b. looking at your loveshack posts without your explicit request/permission I don't post anything I wouldn't want my spouse to see. c. opening your snail mail When dating we wouldn't open the others mail - but married, we open what comes in. d. checking your history of internet sites, cookies, or downloads We share a computer -- no secrets there either. If curious about it check--or just ask! e. checking for forensic evidence of masturbation f. asking questions about time, place, and process of masturbation g. what was thought about at the time of masturbation. None of these apply to us. There is no need for secrecy. h. digging through desks, closets, or other pointedly 'hidden' spaces. No need for this--we share everything. The only time this would be an issue is during christmas when searching for gifts! 2. how much privacy do you feel adults should have? how much privacy should partners in a committed relationship have? However much they want, and respect the partner's decision about what is private and what is not. 3. what, if anything, do you think about 'the philosophy of privacy'? do you have specific thoughts or expectations about privacy? Never really thought about it. I am half a life and my spouse is my other half--we have no secrets from each other. 4. how much privacy were you allowed growing up? did men or women have more privacy in your culture/family? I don't remember it ever being an issue. Parents never searched our rooms and we didn't seem to have any secrets -- well, my sister kept a diary that had a lock on it, but we weren't interested in what she wrote about boys! As for porn -- we had a few magazines hidden under mattresses or taped inside the tops of our closets so our parents wouldn't see them -- typical kid stuff and it was only done because we would have been too embarassed to be caught with them.
passingthru Posted January 26, 2004 Posted January 26, 2004 Maybe I'm one of the odd ones (on this thread anyway), but I think privacy is a right and that anyone who does the things listed in Jenny's question #1 is overstepping my boundaries and invading my privacy. Unless it is something that has been discussed and I've given my permission for my SO to do one of those things, I feel they are not respecting me or my right to privacy. I would never dream of doing any of those things to them. I do believe it is a matter of trust and respect. I don't have anything to hide from my SO, but he needs to trust that what I choose to tell him is all that he needs to know. If he wants to know something, he can ask me, hopefully in a nonconfrontational or suspicious manner, and I will be glad to tell him. I think adults, which includes partners in an adult relationship, deserve as much privacy as they want. Again, it goes back to trust. If you don't trust them enough not to do the things mentioned in Jenny's post, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with them...period. When I was growing up we were each treated as independent individuals with our own lives and no "snooping" was done unless we gave our parents reason to not trust us. We knew not to ever enter our parents' bedroom or invade their privacy in any way. As far as the porn issue, my SO and I have open conversations about it. I know he views porn occasionally and it doesn't bother me. I know it's a normal thing for men (and yes, some women) to do. Sometimes we view it together. I don't have any desire to check the history of the computer to see when or how often or what he views. I would consider that an invasion of his privacy. We have separate email accounts and don't know each other's passwords, not because we have anything to hide, just a matter of independence I guess. I don't question it, he doesn't question it; it works for us. What works for some doesn't work for others. To each their own. As long as BOTH people agree and their is no snooping going on behind someone's back. Nothing would hurt me more or make me more angry than to know my SO was doing something like that becase to me it would mean he doesn't trust me.
Author jenny Posted January 26, 2004 Author Posted January 26, 2004 that is the closest to how i feel about it - it's a terrific articulation - thank you. i have nothing to hide, either, it's not about that for me. i just really like the idea of myself as developing as a separate person, as well as a relationship person, and i vanguard that other person zealously. i also feel i have a reasonable expectation for this. the best example i can think of is my library. i'm obsessed with keeping bonsai plants and collecting books. it's my space; i'm just myself in it. there is nothing wrong or unfaithful i'm doing in here; but it's mine and i like it that way. i like who i am in here as much as i like myself with him. i keep my study locked; not because i think he will break in but because it's important to me that i have a space i'm sure is totally mine. if he were to violate that i would be furious. it would be fine with me if he were to have his own locked room. to be cliche, i suppose i think everyone deserves a room of his or her own. i don't think, for me, that i want to share every little bit of myself. i was given a lot of privacy growing up and i still need it. i think i am disturbed by posts where people go rooting through other people's things, mail, or computers because it is so foreign to my experience on how to treat people, and i keep waiting to hear an explanation that i will understand on why it's ok for someone to do this kind of thing. some of my friends from large families have a much smaller expectation that i do; that makes sense to me. or if a strong sense of individuation isn't embedded in someone's culture, snooping makes more sense to me as well. but the question is not addressed in most of the these posts. some of these SOs are afforded about as much privacy as person in a minimum security canadian institution. i'm not making an inflammatory analogy; i'm quite serious. i've worked in enough of these places to actually know what is allowed and what is not. loss of privacy is considered a part of punishment, and i have a hard time getting around that.
moimeme Posted January 27, 2004 Posted January 27, 2004 i keep waiting to hear an explanation that i will understand on why it's ok for someone to do this kind of thing. If both partners agree, then that should be sufficient for it to be ok. Clearly, if one partner is doing it out of misplaced mistrust, then it is inappropriate. OTOH, if the partner being snooped on has proven to be untrustworthy more than once, then the bond of trust is already broken on that side; is it really fair to continue to expect trust from the other partner until/unless there is proof that whatever acts created the lack of trust have ceased?
meanon Posted January 27, 2004 Posted January 27, 2004 a. looking at or through your email I have 2 emails one shared one personal (with password). Also 2 bank accounts (one shared one personal) b. looking at your loveshack posts without your explicit request/permission Well I'd feel a bit uncomfortable but think it's bound to happen - just too tempting not to. c. opening your snail mail OK if official or in error - otherwise he'd leave it for me. If I didn't open his official mail it would never be opened d. checking your history of internet sites, cookies, or downloads Again - I'd prefer he didn't but no real problem as see it as harmless curiosity e. checking for forensic evidence of masturbation This would just be plain weird/disturbing. f. asking questions about time, place, and process of masturbation I would assume related to a fantasy and play along - not necessarily honestly g. what was thought about at the time of masturbation. Ditto above h. digging through desks, closets, or other pointedly 'hidden' spaces. No problem going anywhere in house but would worry if he seemed not to trust me. 2. how much privacy do you feel adults should have? how much privacy should partners in a committed relationship have? As much as they need provided it does not isolate/alienate them from others. If you live with someone for a long time much of the physical/practical aspects of privacy get eroded without any resistance over time. The last vestiges go out the window when you have kids. The mental aspects of privacy are a completely different matter. 3. what, if anything, do you think about 'the philosophy of privacy'? do you have specific thoughts or expectations about privacy? I expect to be an independent person - it's critical to my happiness and well being. I have almost no physical privacy (loos at work are the only example I can think of - I sometimes go there to think!). I expect to be able to pursue close friendsghips with men and women without my husband (I do not hide anything - we are different people with different needs). Similary I expect to be free to pursue my own interets as long as they do not take me away from the family too much. What's in my head is my own - I do not need a total meeting of minds to love or be loved. I do not think independence and privacy are the same thing although I can see they are related (they seem much more closely entwined for you). The problem with the concept of privacy (within the context of your post) is that it means different things to different people so that what for you would be a serious breach of trust would be a fairly trivial oversight to someone else. Accommodating needs in a relationship is what it's all about so it's not a make or break. As with everything in marriage - communicating the reasons for your attitudes and compromising will prevent differences turning into conflicts. 4. how much privacy were you allowed growing up? did men or women have more privacy in your culture/family? Quite a lot, my husband and I were both only children. Not sure this is what you're after but hope it helps.
Thinkalot Posted January 27, 2004 Posted January 27, 2004 Yep Jenny, I reckon that about sums it up. When we snooped on each other, it was out of misplaced mistrust. Now, we look at things we both know the other person is happy for us to see. We are happy with a high level of honesty and openness and there are no secrets. But some things, such as old diaries and so on, remain off limits. We've now moved all our old stuff like that out of the house anyway, thus removing any lingering temptation lol!
Aonz Posted January 27, 2004 Posted January 27, 2004 Originally posted by jenny just a random survey - i think all know my opinions on the topic, so i won't repost. now, this makes no claims towards any kind of legitimacy; i am just interested in what you LSers have to say. more specifically: 1. what actions by your SO would you consider intrusive? I don't have a "SO" but if I did I'd like to think we'd share everything, I have nothing to hide. "In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two." ~ Erich Fromm a. looking at or through your email Most of my email isn't that important anyway and isn't anything i wouldn't share with someone i care about. b. looking at your loveshack posts without your explicit request/permission This a public forum anyone can look at my posts. c. opening your snail mail Isn't that against the law? d. checking your history of internet sites, cookies, or downloads Same as A e. checking for forensic evidence of masturbation I would be hopeing that i wouldn't need to do that if i had a SO. Anyway masturbation is healthy (so i'm told) and isn't anything to be ashamed of f. asking questions about time, place, and process of masturbation If they wanted to know that much i'd just show 'em. g. what was thought about at the time of masturbation. Them ofcourse h. digging through desks, closets, or other pointedly 'hidden' spaces. That would be a little strange and some what worrying. 2. how much privacy do you feel adults should have? how much privacy should partners in a committed relationship have? Like everyone has already said its all about trust, if you truly trust someone then it wouldn't worry you what they were doing when you wern't around. 3. what, if anything, do you think about 'the philosophy of privacy'? do you have specific thoughts or expectations about privacy? Everyone has the right to privacy. 4. how much privacy were you allowed growing up? did men or women have more privacy in your culture/family? Hard question I'm not really sure. i think in my family everyone is given an equal amount of privacy but to tell you the truth i 've never really thought about it before. i know there are problems with porn. i am wondering how the privacy question is handled or thought about by people; this is a sincere request to try and understand a mentality that i cannot right now. I won't deny it I’ve looked at porn in the past, but now a days I don’t really bother it just doesn’t do anything for me anymore. Who was it who said: “un-revealed beauty is better than revealed beauty” or words to thos effect?
One N Jen Posted January 30, 2004 Posted January 30, 2004 Originally posted by Thinkalot I have been guilty of some snooping myself in the past, as has my partner ...although we both aren't proud of our actions, which were not motivated by healthy emotions. The snooping did not make us feel good, because we both did not like what we found/read/saw! I honestly believe we dont keep secrets from each other...so it's not like there are hidden secrets to find anymore anyway and I think we've both learnt our lessons (especially me, as I was probably the most regular snoop- looking for evidence that his former marriage was, after all, better than our relationship! All I did was find wedding albums with old love letters tucked away in them, which did not help my state of mind at the time, AT ALL!).... My partner meanwhile read sections of an old diary of mine, and flipped out when he made some discoveries about my sexual past. He dealt with it, but it was not fun for either of us. And we could not really accuse the other of snooping, since we were guilty ourselves! Thank goodness we've been there, done that and grown past it!! I think privacy should be respected. You should not snoop through a partners phone or email messages or snailmail, unless you know it is OK with them. You should not read their private diary or any other private letters they may have stashed away. We both have each others passwords to things, and really don't mind the other looking, so that's cool for us. Your partner deserves respect. Snooping is not healthy. It's a sign of mistrust and insecurity and an unhealthy relationship. Growing up, it was mostly just Mum and I in a household together, and we were so open with each other, privacy was not a huge deal. To my knowledge, she did not however, ever snoop through my diaries or anything like that. As for masturbation/porn...it's not an issue in my relationship, so I really can't comment. We either watch it together, or tell each other about it. No secrets there.
One N Jen Posted January 30, 2004 Posted January 30, 2004 I could not have said my stupid actions anymore clearly than this person did here, I am totally blown away, that I am not the only insecure dumb&^%(&* in the world. I know after the stuff I read, when I wasn't even trying to snoop at the time, about blew me threw the roof. I though, great another puke, good goin jen, you done struck three....now my life ( well my poor hurtin heart) was totally bruised, and I had to climb back up the esteem mountain, (that was dumb) (that reference, that was really dumb) And feel half normal again, but what did the trick was going to hiim, and telling him how idiotic I had felt after I had opened an email of his, after he had left my house, and left his msn messanger under his name logged on. Her name, it came blurping up, message from sue *(&^)*& i absolutely **** and fell over. I opened it, It was an invetation, to cuddle by a fire, under lots of blankets, (which he loves) and read a good book.... AND OF COURSE< I am dislexic and adhd, and cant settle my poor mind, to understand the literature I am attempting to read. ok, so INADEQUACY has set in heavily, and I am feeling a bit out of the loop, if ya know what I mean. My boyfriend is bisexual, as they call it if you have slept with a man in the past, and also woman, well whuttttt evahhhhh, I think he is human, male genetils, and hairy chest, hmmm.... male to me, but he has best of both worlds, cool eh? yup, I think so. very safe human, clean, and smart, and wise to the way of the world, yet, also ....has ALOT of good friends, that still had been interacting in his world, well..I dont think I had been mentioned to this...eh,,,,ehmmmm,......Sue, Obviously, she would not have emailed him a letter like that unless he had been writing her... hmmm....mystery to me...so out comes the noch's......inspector jen to the rescue, Ill be damned if I didnt spend whole day, trying to find dirt, on this man, that I was falling in love with....ahhhhhhh. My head was a mess, So....bein the smart chic that I am, ( quite forward and honest too...sometimes too much) I told him, what I had done...and I felt ..kinda dumb..like I was in sixth grade, and had got caught making out on my hand...ya know..in the mirror, ya well we wont discuss that now, eh ehmmm...ya.. anyways.. He still loves me, and I know the whole story. and she still (*^)*(&^)*&(( emails .him.. but guess what, He lives with me... he loves me.... he says so. jak
cdn Posted January 30, 2004 Posted January 30, 2004 If I didn't open his official mail it would never be opened That's for sure... especially if it was a bill! it's my space; i'm just myself in it. there is nothing wrong or unfaithful i'm doing in here; but it's mine and i like it that way. i like who i am in here as much as i like myself with him. i keep my study locked; not because i think he will break in but because it's important to me that i have a space i'm sure is totally mine. I share a lot of your feelings, Jenny, especially about having a space of my own. The difficulty is that there are people who simpy can't comprehend this. I'd say that my husband is one. It isn't a matter of trust and it isn't that he's a snoop. He just doesn't get it. So he tries to respect my space (such as it is - with 3 kids there is not much of anything that is *mine* any more!) but it's an intellectual exercise for him; he doesn't empathise with the need. And he has no such need and, in fact, would prefer me to be in his space at all times. 4. how much privacy were you allowed growing up? did men or women have more privacy in your culture/family? Quite a lot, my husband and I were both only children. I have often wondered if onlies need more space than siblingeds (is there such a word?). I am an only and grew up with tons of privacy. The last vestiges go out the window when you have kids. Hah! Ain't that the truth. I am sure I would never have had children had I realised what I was in for in this department! I bet we could swap some hair-raising stories!
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