kiss_andmakeup Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Hoping I don't get crucified for this one, because I'm really genuinely in need of advice. When my boyfriend and I met about two years ago he was probably even more into fitness than I was...he worked out regularly, was very knowledgeable about nutrition and health, ate an extremely healthy and well-balanced diet, etc. At the time I'd guess he was about 180 (he is 5'10 and has a pretty large frame) and was a tad stocky but in great shape. I'd say starting within the past year, he has all but ceased exercising, and saying he's no longer careful about what he eats would be an understatement. Not only does he eat junk (all. the. time.) but he eats a lot of it. Again, not knowing exactly how much he weighs, my guess right now would be 240. And just so no one goes pointing the hypocrite finger, I religiously work out, cardio and strength training, 6 days a week. I'm also a vegetarian and watch what I eat. I have maintained a weight of 115lbs (I am 5'9) for the better part of the last three years and have been fit my whole life (my mom is a professional trainer). So, needless to say, I'm having trouble with this. My boyfriend is funny, smart, charming, and extremely caring. He works very long hours at work (we're talking upwards of 60 hours per week) and has a very stressful job so it's hard for me to say anything about this since I don't want to add stress to his life. When we met our sexual chemistry was better than I'd ever had with anyone. In fact even at his current weight we still have a decent amount of sex (every other day on workdays and a couple times on days we both have off). But sometimes it's really hard for me to get turned on...I know that's horrible...and it makes me feel so guilty. Or sometimes we'll already be going and then I'll catch a glance of something that turns me off (i.e. his stomach) and completely lose it (of course I try not to let him notice this). And nevermind that some things are just plain hard to do in bed when he weighs more than twice as much as me! I guess it almost feels like a broken promise to me. When we met I expressed that I've never been the kind of girl who cares how much money a guy makes or what kind of car he drives, but that I do have my vices in that I need to feel attracted to a guy and feel sexual chemistry. He agreed and said he feels the same way about women (duh). In other words, if it was me who gained 60lbs, we probably wouldn't even be having this conversation right now. Which makes me feel like he's "gone back on his word" in a way. How the hell do I approach this?
Engadget Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 This is tough, my ex gained a lot of weight too and I felt like I could never say anything because it would just hurt her. You could try gentle nudging towards the gym, and try to go together. If that doesn't work, maybe being more direct will work?
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 This is tough, my ex gained a lot of weight too and I felt like I could never say anything because it would just hurt her. You could try gentle nudging towards the gym, and try to go together. If that doesn't work, maybe being more direct will work? Great suggestions, thank you. Unfortunately we can't go to the gym together as we work virtually opposite schedules, and about 6 months ago, I had a pretty direct conversation with him about it. He got very emotional and said he completely understood how I felt and that he was going to change. So far, nothing.
Engadget Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Great suggestions, thank you. Unfortunately we can't go to the gym together as we work virtually opposite schedules, and about 6 months ago, I had a pretty direct conversation with him about it. He got very emotional and said he completely understood how I felt and that he was going to change. So far, nothing. That's the problem with LTR, you get too comfortable and you become comfortable that your significant other will love you regardless of how you look. I got out of shape myself, but I stay between 170-185, so I guess I'm lucky in that regard. It's difficult, like you said he got upset about it. However he should at least stay in relatively good shape and not take it for granted. I wish I knew how to handle that type of situation better.
Rorschach Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 In my opinion, if I take good care of myself I expect you to take good care of yourself, same with many different things, if I work hard at life I expect you to work hard at life, if I go out of my way to make you happy I expect you to go out of your way to make me happy. Everything in life is a two way street. If I was with somebody who didn't reciprocate (I was in one, that was a 2 year relationship that ended in september or so) I'd simply lay it out and say that I expected a little more effort. In my opinion a person I'd be interested in would have no problem stepping up to the plate and taking it in stride. I know if my significant other came up to me and said 'I don't think we're both putting in the same effort' I'd be more than happy to try and figure out what was wrong and what I could do if there actually was a discrepancy.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 That's the problem with LTR, you get too comfortable and you become comfortable that your significant other will love you regardless of how you look. I got out of shape myself, but I stay between 170-185, so I guess I'm lucky in that regard. It's difficult, like you said he got upset about it. However he should at least stay in relatively good shape and not take it for granted. I wish I knew how to handle that type of situation better. That's just it. I kind of feel taken for granted. Before we met, he was a serial dater for a couple years, no real serious relationships. During that time, he stayed in great shape. It's like he kept it up when he knew he needed it to get laid, but now that he feels he has me "locked in", it no longer matters. And that hurts me a bit. In my opinion, if I take good care of myself I expect you to take good care of yourself, same with many different things, if I work hard at life I expect you to work hard at life, if I go out of my way to make you happy I expect you to go out of your way to make me happy. Everything in life is a two way street. If I was with somebody who didn't reciprocate (I was in one, that was a 2 year relationship that ended in september or so) I'd simply lay it out and say that I expected a little more effort. In my opinion a person I'd be interested in would have no problem stepping up to the plate and taking it in stride. I know if my significant other came up to me and said 'I don't think we're both putting in the same effort' I'd be more than happy to try and figure out what was wrong and what I could do if there actually was a discrepancy. I guess it's just hard for me, after he gets home from his 6th in a row 12 hour workday, to say, "hey, you shouldn't be eating that, you should be working out, you're fat." I work a very comfortable 36 hours a week so I have plenty of time to work out but he truly doesn't. I guess that's why I have trouble mentioning it to him. Although I feel that if he just watched what he ate he'd see an improvement.
Rorschach Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 If he's a good guy who cares for you I can't imagine he would mind simply cutting back on what he's eating for you. He probably doesn't feel very good about himself anyway. If he works alot and you asked him to spend an additional 2 hours every day exercising that might be a bit much but just asking him to watch what he eats shouldn't be too big of a deal.
somedude81 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Talk to him about it. Tell him that you feel worried about his health and that you thought he was sexier when was thinner. Do what you can to try to get him to eat healthier but don't become overbearing.
legallyblonde289 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 try cooking him a healthy dinner or maybe packing him a healthy lunch. when people eat healthy they usually have more motivation to work out. eating healthy is 80% of weight loss anyway. since you told him that it bothers you he should be making an effort anyway. if you focus on that you're worried about his health it will probably go over better and he wont get as emotional about it
Confusedalways Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 What if you cooked up some meals for him, or gave him some healthy suggestions? Maybe lightly hint that you or a friend has been eating a lot of junk lately and how tired it's making them, and sort of bring the conversation around to him ''mention" how maybe the junk is making him more tired and lethargic too. edit: I see legally has beat me to this suggestion
Feelin Frisky Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Ask him if he (Ralph), Trixie and Ed Norton want to go bowling to get a healthy routine going. If he says "hardy, har, har" say sorry but your girth is chewing up and spitting out your sense of worth. Dealbreaker.
FitChick Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 try cooking him a healthy dinner or maybe packing him a healthy lunch. when people eat healthy they usually have more motivation to work out. eating healthy is 80% of weight loss anyway... if you focus on that you're worried about his health it will probably go over better and he wont get as emotional about it Great minds think alike! He is probably depressed because of his job, too. Google foods and supplements that are natural anti-depressants (Vitamin D3 and fish spring to mind) and add that. Instead of saying you're turned off by him, say "Darling, I worry about all the stress you are under and don't want you dropping dead of a heart attack. I think couples should support each other through good times and bad. Please let me do this for you" or something similar. I wouldn't start by drastically cutting his calories because he'd notice that. Focus on whole foods and nutrient dense foods telling him why you've chosen them, i.e. "I heard that blueberries prevent eye problems and you are staring at the computer all day." Maybe start at about 2000 and gradually drop it down until he gets used to eating this way. Give him healthy snacks that aren't necessarily diet but are good for you. I love Ezekiel bread toasted, with a tablespoon of peanut butter and half an ounce of bittersweet chocolate on top (pop in the microwave for a few seconds to melt). Very filling and luxurious late afternoon snack and it keeps me from going to the vending machine. Give him massages to relieve his stress. That way he will fall asleep and you don't have to have sex! Suggest stretching and yoga to get him back into the habit of doing something. Maybe get a few 10 Minute Solution DVDs. Before I was diagnosed hypothyroid and was always tired, I'd pop one of those into my DVD player, telling myself I'd just do ten minutes. After ten minutes, I'd feel so much better and wind up doing half an hour. Maybe if you start with pilates, it won't feel so stressful and you can say that strengthening his abs will prevent back problems from sitting all day. True. Maybe suggest he see a doctor. Hearing the same advice from someone else might be the kick in the arse he needs. I can't help but wonder what direction this thread would have taken had this been a man complaining about a woman gaining weight...
Twenty-ten Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Give him massages to relieve his stress. That way he will fall asleep and you don't have to have sex! Wow, just wow!
phineas Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 180 @ 5'10? He was already a fat ass. My first yr of college I was 180 @ 5'8", had a 6 pack & wore a size 34 pants.
MrNate Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Sounds like a classic case of 'love lard'. I agree with the creative suggestions above. It would be best to take action now, because I'd imagine it would only get worse.
OpenGL Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 My first yr of college I was 180 @ 5'8", had a 6 pack & wore a size 34 pants. 34 is pretty fat. I'm 5'7 and a 32 is very loose on me, I have 5'10 friends that wear a 32 or 30. If you were 180 @ 5'8 with a 6 pack you were on juice.
FitChick Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Wow, just wow! I guess you missed what she said: "... sometimes we'll already be going and then I'll catch a glance of something that turns me off (i.e. his stomach) and completely lose it (of course I try not to let him notice this). And nevermind that some things are just plain hard to do in bed when he weighs more than twice as much as me!"
Rorschach Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Question for the OP and anybody else who has been in a position where you were with somebody you didn't find physically desirable. I found myself initiating sex very rarely with my last girlfriend, at the time I wasn't sure why but looking back I just don't think she was very attractive and as such she rarely excited me (I came to this conclusion when I realized there were certain things she would do that would play to my fetish that would cause me to get instantly aroused and basically drag her into the bedroom). But I'm only MOSTLY sure of this and sometimes I still wonder if maybe I just have a low sex drive, do people with significant others who they find less than sexy feel the same way? Do you rarely initiate and just don't feel the desire to have sex.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Question for the OP and anybody else who has been in a position where you were with somebody you didn't find physically desirable. I found myself initiating sex very rarely with my last girlfriend, at the time I wasn't sure why but looking back I just don't think she was very attractive and as such she rarely excited me (I came to this conclusion when I realized there were certain things she would do that would play to my fetish that would cause me to get instantly aroused and basically drag her into the bedroom). But I'm only MOSTLY sure of this and sometimes I still wonder if maybe I just have a low sex drive, do people with significant others who they find less than sexy feel the same way? Do you rarely initiate and just don't feel the desire to have sex. This is a great question! The answer is I have a VERY high sex drive and I know this for sure. In fact I still initiate sex about 40% of the time even with these issues. So, no, it's not just that I have a low sex drive. I've been resorting to masturbation more often lately than I used to, though. :[
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 180 @ 5'10? He was already a fat ass. http://www.healthchecksystems.com/heightweightchart.htm 180, for a 5'10 guy with a large frame, is on the upper side of average. As I said before he was stocky, but in great physical shape (could easily run a couple of miles without getting winded). Thanks for completely missing the point of my post all together though.
FitChick Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Overweight men usually have low sex drives because of a hormone imbalance. Fat creates more estrogen and lowers testosterone. Testosterone controls sex drive in both men and women. The good news is that once the fat percentage decreases, testosterone and growth hormone increase especially if the guy is working out.
Jersey Shortie Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 34 is pretty fat. I'm 5'7 and a 32 is very loose on me, I have 5'10 friends that wear a 32 or 30. If you were 180 @ 5'8 with a 6 pack you were on juice. Open, you have very little knowledge about this I have to say. 34 inch waist on a man isn't fat. Also, the OP stated that while he weighed 180, he was muscular. Muscle ways more then fat. People have different body structures. Some people can be more dense and weight more then someone of an equal looking weight. You're clueless on this. OP, how does your partner feel about his weight gain? Does he seem comfortable? Happy? Does *he* want to change this? You need to find out this first. If you love him, what he wants about his own body, should matter first. If he isn't happy, then yeah, things like going to the gym together is a good idea. You should talk to him about it. Ask him how he would feel if you put on that weight.
Rorschach Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 Overweight men usually have low sex drives because of a hormone imbalance. Fat creates more estrogen and lowers testosterone. Testosterone controls sex drive in both men and women. The good news is that once the fat percentage decreases, testosterone and growth hormone increase especially if the guy is working out. Holy crap, I did not know this. But its excellent news. I always felt I didn't have as strong a sex drive as I would have liked but I just figured it was the way I was made. The fact that it might be the weight is awesome, maybe it'll speed up alot as I continue to lose.
FitChick Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I dated a man in his early sixties who said that he thought his impotence was just a fact of growing older. He found Dr Sears' website, took his advice about weight training, diet and interval training, lost extra weight and his erections became as hard as when he was in his twenties.
Recommended Posts