she left me and took my son

[brownowl90]

right, this is a long and complicated one and i just hope someone can make sense of it all.

i was content in life, had a daughter and a 7 year relationship that had endured a lot but never really made me truely happy!

i am 35 and met K who is 23 at work and she was the funniest most beautifull thing id ever seen, we became best of friends working in a secure hospital and laughed and flirted constantly. one night on a works night out we kissed, id never felt feelings like it and can still remember it now as though it was yesterday.

For 3 months we continued to meet and flirt but it never went any further until 1 day i told her i loved her, i did, more than id ever felt for anybody, she admitted she felt exactly the same.

i made a massive decision that broke my heart, i took myself away from everyone for a week and decided i couldnt let the chance of losing my soul mate, so i left my daughter and partner. hardest thing id ever had to do but i was honest and truthfull and have a great relationship with them now and she understand why i left and is getting married next year.

Back to K, we moved straight in together, which put me in debt supportin 2 households but i didnt care, i was on cloud 9, found the woman of my dreams and she felt the same, the next 6 months were amazin, sex, fun, constant textin when we were apart. Then i started to see another side to her, she would be jealous of my daughter, jealous when i went to pick her up, jealous when i talked to any other girls at work. creating arguments for nothing, but then the next day id get the old K back and it was all fine again.

Then next thing she is pregnant, she had taken anti biotics and they had canceled out the pill, she was heartbroken, we had no money, she said she was to young, we contemplated abortion but agreed we couldnt do it.

The house i owned with my ex was free so we moved there, which was an hour away from all her family n friends, but it was all we could do. The jealousy got worse, she never really tried to make friends with my friends as she seen them as my exs friends, we would argue about that, she would say she hated living away from her fam and friends, what could i do, i changed to a better more stressfull job to try and get some money together, she would get upset when she rang me at work and i couldnt talk. i buried my head in the sand and just hoped things would improve, i put the house up for sale and said we could live where she wanted.

Our son was born and i played the doting father, i adored him, surely things would get better now, for a while they did, she told me she loved me everyday through all this and said i didnt show i loved her, the amazing sex had gone to be replaced by the occasional fumble and she said she couldnt argue all day then just have sex?

Our son wouldnt sleep, really needy baby, hard work we were shattered, wed been together nearly 2 years now and though wed had it tough she still lit up my heart, she was still beautifull confident and funny! just the mood swings were confusing me, maybe the hormones from birth? i just carried on kept working hard, buying her nice gifts when money allowed, she still brought me dinner to work, kissed me like she loved me, text me every hour to see how i was.

Then it came to xmas, our son was startin to sleep, work and money were better, a good xmas and we would b back on track. i went on the works night out, she went out with her sister and her new boyfriend and friends. she rang me a t 2am to tell me she was staying over and she loved me and i fell to sleep. next day my life changed for ever, she came home a different person, she was cold, she didnt text me every hour anymore, she talked about her sisters boyfriends friends and how nice they were.

I got suspicous, looked on her facebook and phone and found she had been talking to B quite a lot, so i questioned her, she said he was jsut a friend and she has always been friends with many guys which was true. He listened to her and i didnt anymore, i tried to let it go, but i knew things were not right anymore, we spent x mas day at her mums, she was cold all day, she was somebody else! boxing day morning we were due to go to my parenst for a few days, as i loaded the kids n luggage into the car she laid in bed, i lost it and said she wasnt goin to ruin our sons first xmas anymore and if she didnt buck up i was going without her, to my amazment she said ok.

i spent 4 days at my parents constantly arguing on the phone with her, she said she loved me but wasnt happy anymore and needed some space, for the next 4 months i begged,cried,threatend suicide, i became a mess basically, how could she do this 2 me, i even persuaded her home twice but it lasted days and she left again.

At one stage she got offered emergency housing and said she wouldnt take it if i didnt want her 2 but i said if she felt it was for the best then do it.

she said she wanted more than anything for us to be a family, but then next night she would be out with all her friends, another guy came on the scene D, an old school friend who was like "her brother" i checked phone bills, she had been ringing him often. I remember his name from when our son was born, she mentioned him as a new facebook friend.

She then wanted us to try and be friends and see if we could slowly rebuild our relationship, so we tried, met a few times but i was always sad and asking why, she would get angry and say we cant get on why cant you be happy.

She said she had tried and id took her for granted, shed given up her life for me and i never appreciated it, now id realised how much i loved her it was 2 late cause she didnt feel the same anymore.

About 6 weeks ago, 4 months after xmas i told her i couldnt continue like this, id made a decision she either came back and worked it out or it was over, she chose over, within a week D turned from good friend to new boyfriend. Ive never felt pain like it, id tried dating to make my hurt go away, no chance, made me feel sick, how could she move on??? how could she desert me when i needed her the most????

her parents had split when she was 11 and her dad and 3 older siblings stook together whilst she went with her mother, she played on this and always said she was the black sheep and nobody loved her, she brought this up and says its all her fault, shes incapable of being happy, shes a [COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR]up! but surely she loved me and our son enough to be stronger for us???

Anyway shes left for good, decided she doesnt feel the same about me, that im not what she wants, i wake every morning in sweats, imaganing her and D sleeping together, bathing my son together, laughing like we used to, when she hears me upset shes so cold and says lifes too short, shes making the most of her life and so should i.

I cant, i love her, i miss her, even after everything shes done, she lied constantly for 4 months, even swearing on our sons life on 1 occasion and when i found out just laughed and put the phone down, shes constantly on facebook, drunk, partying with her friends and him.

Ive done 4 weeks almost NC, deleted her from facebook, deal with our son through our parents, she texts every couple of days and rings saying our son wants to talk to me but i cant answer, it hurts to much, her new boyfriend even rang this weekend at 1am whilst i was asleep, left me a text saying im a [COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR]and he wanted a word, i didnt dare call back cause 1 what i may have heard and 2 i swear i wanted to kill him.

Dont know what im asking for really, just maybe someone who can make sense of it all, i feel like im losing my mind

thanks for reading

L

[cafe267]

I sympathize with you and your story reads much like what mine could be reading like in a few years time if I should ever patch things up w/the mother of my child. Like yours she has serious family issues with a divorce involved. Like yours sex was amazing and she was so affectionate initially, never been so in love so early on...then went this phase of fighting then kindness but the kindness was never what it once was...then came outright hatred and now she's decided to cut me out of she and my daughters life. I don't know the answer as I still love her as well. And yes she has the facebook obsession and I snuck onto her cpu before things were awful and saw she's upped the men in her life on there since the split 6 weeks ago and talks to some regularly...i don't know what she's doing though...

 

We hope they wake up and realize what they have given up right? Men who are genuinely giving their all for them but they are so wrapped up in themselves they do not see things any way other than their own.

 

I've spoken to so many people and the consensus is they will likely repeat the cycle and drive off any man that comes near them in due time with their craziness. The sad part is we still love them and are still here fighting to get them back...I have no solutions but seems like we're in the same boat my friend...feel free to PM me if you wanna just talk

[ZED41]

Hi Mate

 

It seems that you really need to get your head together, your kids need you to be their DAD. I lost all contact with my eldest daughter to my ex through conflict and fighting after a messy break up that was the result of years of unhappiness that led to me to have an affair. I now have a new family and more kids, but I would do anything to fix up my relationship with my daughter. Get informed, get healthy and get help. A book that really helped me was Poison Parents, check out http://www.parentalalienationcrisis.org/index.asp?pageid=77898 for more info

 

hope this helps

 

ZED

[TiffanyG80]

I'm sorry to hear this. I don't know what to tell you, other than let you know I read your story and I feel your pain.

 

You mentioned in the beginning something about her never really making you truly happy. Then she leaves after lying to you and is being very inconsiderate with your feelings. The girl is much younger than you.

 

I am going through a very hard four year break up as well. You have to ask yourself and be very clear, do you miss having someone? Do you miss the comfort of her, the dreams you have with her, the hopes you had? Or do you actually miss the person she is (funny, talks, lies, selfishness). It's all one good and bad. Is that truly a person you want to spend your life with? I am not saying that with any imply of how you should or shouldn't feel. These are just questions to ask yourself. You can love someone and miss them and still want more for yourself.

 

Have you thought about trying to get custody of your son? Maybe now is not the time and I am not the person to be giving advice but someone who is being careless with her actions might not be as healthy for your son as you might be. But then again I do not know you.

 

These are all just thoughts that came to mind and things for you to think about. I have no idea what is best for you.

 

Either way I know that nothing takes the pain away. The missing, the loving, etc.. The only thing I can recommend from the same place you are in, is to work on yourself. Buy some self-help books and start feeling empowered about your life instead of helpless.

 

Good Luck

 

Tiffany

[email protected]

[brownowl90]

Thanks for all your replies, had a really tough weekend, the sun was out, went to a barbeque all my friends and family were all so happy and all i could think about was what my ex and my son would be doing, were they having a family day with her new man, god the pain that gives me, i wish somebody would just make her see that we are a family and i deserved her to put in more effort on us being happy, we could have been

[brownowl90]

anymore help or advice would be greatly appreciated

[brownowl90]

please, please, please

[brownowl90]

ok, small development, after 3 weeks NC she has just called my phone then hung up instantly, all contact for our son has succesfully been through our parents, just checked with them and they havent heard from her in 3 days. allsorts goin through my head now, does it mean shes startin to miss me?(clutchin at straws) was it a genuine mistake?(unlikley) was she ringing about our son?(not an option cos shed ring my dad) is she pregnant to her new man and building up courage to tell me?(my worst nightmare) did she just want to see if im ok cos i have our son this weekend?(again she would go through my parents) amazin how one little thing can make you shake and get your stomach turning again!!!!

[brownowl90]

sleepless night!!!!! why did she ring!!!!! ill never know, she maybe missing me and cant bring herself to tell me???? she may have meant to ring her mate who has a similiar name and not be missing me at all????

[silverplanets]

Hi Brownowl,

 

I don't feel I can really give any advice on her other than:

a) you can't make someone do what they don't want to

b) you are not responsible for someone elses choices

 

What worries more (as a father) is you ... you're 35 yes and now have two children , one of whom you have left and the other whom you are loosing.

 

I'm not criticising, judging or anything like that, but as a father this must be killing you?

 

What's done is done, but they question is what are you going to do with respect to you being the father of your children.

 

Any normal father has rights (and needs) to see their children and any normal children have rights (and needs) to see their father.

 

Why aren't you standing up for yourself and those rights? And no, I'm not talking about being agressive or going for sole custody etc (unless that is what you decide) .. I am talking about taking reasonable action to keep you in your children's lives.

 

And what's this with your parents ... why would your ex ring them about your child .... why are they in the frame and not you.

 

Where are YOU in the middle of this .. relationships can (and do) go to pot a times ... but being a father .. that is a role you have for life.

 

You have a choice - either YOU can walk away from the children or you can fight for them to remain in your life (even if you can't be with their mother). Only you can decide to fight (or not fight) this corner ... it is not down to your ex to tell you your can't .. or your parents to step in and save you from facing up to looking after your own needs.

 

I get that you feel like hell, I really do ... but you've got to separate out your issues with her and your duty/needs as a parent.

 

You're 35 now, an adult and have two children - with that territory comes responsibility ... and part of that is not just focusing on your own needs (to be hurt, to solve things with the ex) but also you are responsible for your childs needs - to know both parents etc etc

 

She needs to realise this as well - but not as a weapon to control her or prove you are better than her, but just as a realisation that (with responsibility for a young life in your hands) both your options for thinking just about self does no longer exist ... period.

 

That doesn't mean you can force her to come back ... but it just means that you and her are obliged to have ADULT dialogue with reference to your child.

 

To initiate and conduct that dialogue is YOUR responsibility, not your parents. And if your ex cannot bring herself to do that then it is YOUR responsibiity (unless YOU decide otherwise) to gently show her that she is obliged to do so (via lawyers if necessary).

 

Your 35 and have two children who are not of adult age - which means you (and your ex) need to be the adults.

 

A good place to start is looking up "joint parenting agreements" on the web ... it will give you an idea of the logic and detail you need to be thinking of.

 

Good luck and please don't think I am criticising .. I am just trying to wake you up ... life changes when you have kids ... you get responsibilities ... and sometimes that means you have to act and do things even as you yourself want to give up and lie down.

 

That;s true whether your and your partner are together or not.

 

Keep safe

Chris

[brownowl90]

thanks Chris, totally agree with you, i do see both my children for 3 days every other week and sometimes have them another night inbetween, the arrangements for this with my son are done through my parents as me and K argue everytime we speak because i am still hurt n angry. i will never not be their for my children but im finding it impposible to forgive or understand K.

[silverplanets]

thanks Chris, totally agree with you, i do see both my children for 3 days every other week and sometimes have them another night inbetween, the arrangements for this with my son are done through my parents as me and K argue everytime we speak because i am still hurt n angry. i will never not be their for my children but im finding it impposible to forgive or understand K.

 

Hi brownowl,

 

At the end of the day I know it hurts like hell to deal with someone who brings out hurt and anger in your. The only thing I can say is that you just have to be adult about it ... (cause your kids can't) and that does unfortunately mean keeping calm, separating your emotions and focusing on what's right for the children.

 

Trust me I know what its like to argue with an ex every time you talk to them but also, trust me, that you musn't let that influence the part you play in your children's lives.

 

Right it probaby feels that life is sh*tting no your from all angles, but in a few years as pain and hurt diminishes you will all realise that, for each of you, your children are little miracles of wonder.

 

One of the adults invovled has to take the role of pointing this out, and as you're older and wiser it will probably have to be you.

 

The really hard thing to do is manage yourself so that no matter what your ex says you keep bringing things back to the children and your adult obligations to them. As I said, this doesn't mean she has to be with you, but it does mean you both don't get to go your separate ways just like that .. until the law says otherwise you both have a duty and responsobiity to your children.

 

Trust me, you can become a rock on this. Quietly spoken, dignified and consistent .. always bringing it back to this. You have emotions on it I know, but as a parent you have to learn to manage those away to a corner at certain times, and keep focused on what is important.

 

This is true now, and will be true when it comes to being invovled in choosing shools, subjects, holidays and all the other trials that life throws at you as parents as they get older. Being together or not together doens't affect the fact that with children life is a constant stream of responsibility .. and no-one else is going to steer your children as well as you can.

 

Your parents are helping you, that is great. it might be worth chatting over with them how they think you should approach it .. it is far better for you to be dealing camly with your ex (even if you have to sound of to your paretns afterwarsd) than for them to be dealing directly with her - it sets up the wrong pattern imho.

 

Maybe talk to your parents before you see her and discuss what you are gonig to try and accomplish .. and then keep calm in the meeting and keep to your points. If you feel your buttons being pushed then store it away and relive it with your parents afterwards.

 

The key thing for me is that it is you who should be "leading" this whole thing as they are your children.

 

It will only ever be worth it and this might, rather than being the breaking of you, just turn out to be the making of you.

 

I genuinly wish you the best of luck, and remember deep breaths at all times and count to 5 (or 10 if necessary).

 

Chris

Edited May 29, 2010 by silverplanets

[Ariadne]

Wow,

 

That was a good read.

 

That's what happens when men are wimps and leave their wives and daughters to go after some "cloud 9," sell the house, work double to buy gifts, etc etc.

 

Nobody respects a man like that.

[dazzle22]

Couple of thoughts on your situation:

 

-first I think you need to realize you are not mourning the loss of your 'soulmate', because in fact, that woman NEVER EXISTED in the first place.

What you fell in love with was a carefully crafted 'mirage' that she created in a way that 'mirrored' what you desired. That is fairly easy for someone to pull off for even a year.

 

After that, you started to see some 'cracks' in that mirror briefly, but then she would realize it, and carefully conceal it once again because the relationship still had something to give HER. Once she no longer felt she could benefit much from continuing a relationship with you, she then dropped the facade. She took up the internet looking for guys, which I suspect she was doing long before you realized it. This new guy D won't last either. Once the initial limerance phase is over for her, she leapfrogs to the next man.

 

Plus, she grew up with relationship drama, so she will constantly seek it and make it if it isn't there, because to her that feels normative.

 

I have more thoughts, but first want to find out if these are helpful to you at all.

[Eeyore79]

I find it weird that you care so much about what K and her new partner are doing with your son, but weren't bothered about what your ex and her new partner were doing with your daughter. When you walked out on your daughter I bet you didn't sit around imagining some other guy bathing her, and her calling him Daddy, him sleeping with your ex and having fun as a family... so if you didn't care about that, why do you care so much about what K is doing with this new guy and your son? It sounds like this is more about K than it is about your son... you don't want her being a family with this new guy.

[brownowl90]

had my son at the weekend, K was texting to see how he was then asked to speak to him which i did. thne i couldnt bite my tongue n NC any longer, he had turned up with dirty clothes and car seat, i had a dig about how shed not only ruined my life but my childrens aswell and how our son will know the truth when he is older and she will have to live with that. childish i know. i then went on to lie and say i was away for the weekend with another girl and her son, i wanted her to feel how i feel knowing D is bringing my son up. she rang and left an answer machine message saying i was sick and evil and that she doesnt love me so why should she be with me?? that hurt, it wasnt even i dont love u anymore< just a blatant i dont love u. i ended up crying all morning, still dont believe she understands what shes done, i cant take much more of this pain, then to top it all off i had a 4 hour drive to drop both my children "home" they both cried as i left them, they love being with me and i love them so much, how can all this be ok??? im not sure if she is on drugs? got post natal? or just thinks the grass is greener cos shes immature? either way i think now she means it when she says she doesnt love me!

[brownowl90]

think what hurts the most is i really believed her when she told me she loved me, she meant it no doubt, she then changed within a day of going out with her sister and i knew she didnt anymore, that quick??? her reason for leavin were she said i didnt listen to her anymore, that i didnt show her i loved her anymore, looking back maybe i didnt, but i just couldnt grasp that this happy, bright girl had changed so much, the times i didnt listen were eg. i wud pick up my daughter come home and she would be sulking because id met my ex, i would then withdraw from the conversation because i felt she was being unreasonable, she would then begin an argument to which i would reply that i had to see my ex and was there for the minimum time possible and she should get over it! eg. she didnt like living in my exs house and being so far away from her friends n family, i understood this and put the house up for sale and bought her a car to give her transport to visit friends n family, which she very rarely did??? i gave up going out with my friends and football which i love, she then near the end told me to go play football on a sunday morning, everytime i did she would ring me 10mins after i left the house and fall out with me on purpose???? i dont see what i could have done different! she now texts and talks to me about our son as though nothing has happened, as though i should just accept and understand her decision, i dont, so i reply with anger, she replies i dont love u and want to be with you so why should i, so i get more angry telling her she didnt understand we were just having a tough few months, we should have stuck together and go through it that she owed me more and shes a liar and a selfish cheat(anger i regret it after) she then calls me evil and says i make her ill with the things i say and she cant look after her son, that im wrong for feeling like that and i should just accept her decision, but its based on her thinking its more important to be going out drinking with her friends and new man rather than building a stable family for our son.

[Chrome Barracuda]

STOP!!!!

 

just stop talking to her!!!

 

1. get some money.

2.get a lawyer and know your rights

3. take her to court saying you want full physical custody.

4. 180 and focus on you.

 

The time for talk is over only communicate with her about the kid. Detach yourself from the situation. if her new boyfriend has any snarky comments remind him to shut the F up. no one is talking to his retarded azz.

 

Next you focus on things that interest you from now on. She's gone, she's immature and you should have never had kids with her. she wasnt ready by the look of things. Because she steals your kid and jumps into a new relationship with a jerk not even before you guys have closed your old one.

 

The time for diplomacy is dead...

 

Get your head on straight and focus on your life. forget about her!!!!

[brownowl90]

thanks for the advice mate

 

1. she left me 12k in debt, never been in debt in my life but even though i never spent a penny on me apparantley the debts are mine

2. the mother always has the rights, sick but true

3. i couldnt handle full custody as i work full time n have no family close enough(distance not emotional)

4. i still love her and hope she sees sense, though i know im deluded

 

as for the new man i have the capabilities and contacts to hurt this bloke bad, she would just use that against me though regards my son, shes already contacted the police cause i made the threats, is it his fault??? maybe not, but calling me over texts put him close to harm i can assure you.

[brownowl90]

Major development this morning!!!! i need serious help, cant take much more, she called today and i thought it was time to b civil, we talked ok for ten minutes about our son, then i made the stupid mistake of asking her if she loved D, she admitted she did, i tortured myself and asked if she loved him like she loved me, she just said it was different, she said she had loved me but it faded away and she had known D since they were kids and they get on different. i for some reason asked if they had sex like we used to, that led to 2 unexpected bombshells.

1. she is still bleeding from the birth of our son, brown blood clots and is due back to the doctors for a second smear test???? 1 year after his birth, its been constant with only short intervals! so she said no we dont really have much of a sex life!

so how does she know she loves him if they aint even had sex???

2. they had had sex before she even met me, so the friend who had been like a brother when they were growing up was actually also a old f*ck buddy???

so i said u did leave for him, still she insisted not and that though she had always had a thing with D it had only started into a relationship 6 weeks ago when she told me. she had loved me but in the end we just didnt get on we clashed? i said its not fair on our son to bring men in and out of her life, she insited that she thought D was forever? my world is shattered, im at work and have been sick and cant breathe!

she cant have loved me and then just love someone else within months, wtf is going on, why why why

[brownowl90]

ive talked to a friend in mental health and she told me to look up narcassitic personality disorder, it was like reading about my ex! have a i found the problem or am i just using it as comfort.

. she always was confident and loud infront of an audience but deep down was insecure

. she reeled me into believing she was this amazin funny confident beautiful woman then when she knew she had me(birth of our son) she turned into a jealous, argumentative pessamist

. she would go silent for no reason and create arguments from nothing

. she picked out all my faults, brushing my teeth wrong, not folding towels right etc

. she was jealous to the extreme of my ex and my daughter

. she left unexpectedly after telling my friends weeks before she was goin to ask me to marry her.

. since she has left shes continuosly lied and ive found out some lies she told me about her past

. she always makes out she is the black sheep of her family and it is all in her head

. she says she has fell in love again already and this time its for ever and seems to be displaying the same happy person whom i met

. she always has amazin jobs lined up for the future but never seems to see anyhting through

. she creates an image to me that her new life is perfect when i know its not

. she left me in debt and i know she has previous partners and acts like its my debt not hers

. she has no sympathy for what she has put me through and seems angry at me that i just cant except it and move on

 

if anybody is knowledegable about this disorder i would appreciate your feedback and as we have a 1 year old son is there anything i should be worried about, i cant help but still love the girl and want her back, but do i want the false person back who doesnt exist??

[Ariadne]

ive talked to a friend in mental health and she told me to look up narcassitic personality disorder

 

Omg..

 

Half of the partners of the people in LS that have been dumped "have that disorder".

 

You know... they read that and they say: Oh, just like my gf! She didn't give a damn about me was all confident and lied all the time!

 

The reason she did was because she just met this other guy again and wanted to go with him and couldn't tell you the whole truth right away until she found the right time or the way to move out or whatever the situation was.

 

That was all.

 

Too bad what's been going on for you though, I know it must be killing you.

 

I'd say try and spend time with your son, that might help you a lot.

[brownowl90]

yes i tend to agree on your opinion,

but her issues were evident after 6 months, she changed from the perfect partner into a insecure, jealous and unrecognisable person one minute then back to her brash confident loving self the next, she then seems to be back to the confident happy girl again with her new partner? the 2 relationships before me were both 2 years also and seemed to follow a similiar pattern of happy, fall in love, move in together, she leaves them with broken heart and debts then staright into the next person?

you have honestly never seen to such contrasting personalities in one person than i did with K.

[Ariadne]

she then seems to be back to the confident happy girl again with her new partner? the 2 relationships before me were both 2 years also and seemed to follow a similiar pattern

 

That is called: The honeymoon is over.

 

A lot of people fall in love all the time over and over again.

 

Those are just romances that eventually burn and die. They seem really serious at some point but they are just like storms.

 

Most people don't know what true love is, so any butterfly they believe it's true love.

[brownowl90]

to me it was true love

mostly initiated by her aswell to be honest, in the beginnin she was the one who rushed and pushed it, when she had got me she then changed!

just fitted the npd diagnosis of needing attention and approval and the facter of her childhood i think also play a part in this!