Chimp Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 LONG POST - SORRY!! I had been with my g/f for 5 years (we split 1 week today). We bought a house together 2 years ago, she is 9 years younger than me (36). I met her on holiday when she was 21 and still at University. I was in a relationship at the time which was dead in truth for about 2 years previous, there was a "health issue" with my then girlfriend which after 9 years, I couldn't continue with the full on care and commitment due to my work pressures and felt I stayed with her for guilt purposes and it wasn't doing her or me any good.(i suck but I tried). Away, with my (now ex) there was an instant connection, the age difference didn't matter (discussed many times) and she lived a short distance 40mins drive away so we saw each other loads and went out with my big groups of friends (couples etc) all the time and she became accepted into the group and loved by all. She graduated and the relationship seemed to blossom as she started on her dream career as a PE teacher. I personally have had a rough time as a kid with parents splitting, horrible stepparents and moving around to eventully being raised from 12 years old onwards by my grandparents which was wonderfully. I think the divorce and not being told what was happening and being abandoned by my dad after a few years becuase his new partner didn't have time for me! really closed me off from marriage and kids for the fear of messing it up and not being a good Dad as I haven't had the best from my Dad although my Grandfather was fantastic role model and was in practise "my Dad" for many years. When I met my now ex on holiday it was the time when my Grandfather died and I was devistated, she was nice and supportive to me on holiday and this seemed to fuel our "spark" that had developed in the few days before it seems an instant attraction. From day one it was noted from both of us we didnt believe in marriage and didnt want kids. This was re-inforced everytime a screaming kid was arround etc and was a view through out our relationship. After 2 years of me trying to become a better person emotionally greatly helped with her support and understanding, I developed had the feelings for her that she was "the one" I wanted to be with forever and took the massive step of asking her to move into my apartment with me (which was a massive step as I was sooo independant and guarded). This went great, and after a year we decided that we could afford a bigger house and looked together and choose a house in a village extremely close to my brother and his wife and kid. It was our dream house and together choose all the decor/carpets etc although I am paid a huge amount more than her the money in my mind was always ours and we spent it together on things we both wanted. All things look sweet at this stage, her career is progressing and I'm earning good money we have everything we wanted, then with alot of my /our friends that are around my age having kids/marriage etc, it seems the question from her came about (although VERY casually) about these big subjects late last year. I said "at the time I wasn't really looking to change my mind but in a few years" as she said she might have change by then as women's biological clocks etc might dictate her feelings I said we should "cross that bridge when you think you are possibly thinking that you have change your mind" and it was left at that. Last year also my mother died (I wasn't close at all but it did affect me in ways I didn't know it would) she was very supportive to me at the time. We have enjoyed a fantastic time together over Xmas we went skiing as we do each year and we talked and agreed life was great and loved each other deeply and were more intimate than ever! Although it seems that over the last 3/4 months I have been hit by a bit of depression I think due to the thoughts of not having much family and possibly as most people do thinking about your age and getting old etc, my work project was also rubbish and boring I couldn't find another at thte time it seemed to get to me, and as usual I bottled alot of this up. I thought, though at the time about maybe I really do want to get married and show ultimate commitment to her and maybe she would have changed her mind on her side too. I planned to give me this year to prepare for the proposal and to make a big romantic plan for when we were on our holiday coming this Xmas 2010. I have talked with a very close friend about this and they were pleased that I had got over my phsycological block about marriage. (a female that is close friend with my ex) But over the last 3 months we became distant from each other, she worked longer hours and brought work home but we didn't really talk when she did, I had to work away in another country although I would come home at the weekend. She didnt seem interested in being intimate with me. But she said she missed me when we spoke each night when i was away. She went away with work and said she missed me by txt every day! Up until last week we were ticking along.... and she just walked in after work and said "I don't think I can do this anymore, I think I need time out, she dosen't love me like she used to but loves me sooo much" etc etc your know the other lines including "I dont think there is a future as I don't want to marry her and have babies.... it seems she might have change her thoughts on this, I need to learn to love myself before loving you etc. Well I did the usual, cry, why?, please no!, I can change and even told her my plans about proposing but it didn't make a difference she cried hugged me and said sorry over and over... I now know after reading about others experience of such matters this is the usual let me go and making it easier on her and guilt making her cry not her love. She said she needs space but she has no where to live atm as her mum lives about 2 hours away from her work and would make it hard to commute, she moved her stuff into one of our spare bedrooms and said she will stay out of my way by staying at work as much as possible. After 3 days of brokenheart and crying etc and feeling the world is ending I feel a tiny bit better after finding advice about NC her and on other sites. Before starting NC I bumped into her in the house comming home from work and she was nice and we talked and both cried etc she telling me I must be strong and get out with friends and do stuff and she loves me. I have kept out of the house as much as I can over this week around friends and family and in my head 75% clear that its over etc but still have those week moments of false hope. I have arrange to be away the whole weekend. The problem I have is that NC is going to be soo hard until she moves out although she stays in the bedroom when shes in and works late now. But I need to speak to her about bills/mortgage for the house as she should still pay and her share of the credit card. I will have to talk to her eventually about the split and sorting out me buying her share of the mortgage so I can keep the house. Does anyone know the best way to do the NC but still talk... email but keep it business like? Actually ultimatum her about moving out and taking her off the bills mortgage... I suppose this will push her away, I would like to get back with her but I do realise that she has lost the love so it probably wont happen She says she doesn't know what she wants and she could be making the biggest mistake of her life and it could take 1 week, 1 month she don't know, she went to her mums last weekend and it seems her mum (who apparently adores me as a "son-in-law" type role) tried to give a impartial opinion saying she has to do what she feels right etc , but the grass is not alway greener if she bails out and finds new relationships will not be as good or being on her own etc. I don't how to handle the NC side of things with the bills/living arrangements as I am keen to either NC for the purpose of my healing and the "slight" possibility of her realising that she does actually want me. I appologise for such an epic post but would be most appreciative of any advise.
Author Chimp Posted August 16, 2010 Author Posted August 16, 2010 Well I know I didn't update this post, then again no one replied! After that week back in May I was NC and away for the weekend, she text me and asked if we could talk. She had left a note in the house asking to come back and she was sorry etc. We had a long chat, and vowed to make things right etc. This was a fantastic time in our relationship, we were intimate, close and loving. We both considered each others thoughts/feelings and wishes. We went away for the weekend to London, stayed in a lovely hotel and shopped till we dropped. After this she was spontanious with her affection again and seemed to be back on track with making plans for decorating the house that needed doing and landscaping the garden etc to the way we wanted. BUT, after about 1 month and 2 weeks, she again became distant and spent time at work all the time, even booking herself to do work on the weekends which was extremely rare. after a few more weeks, and more distant she was due to go on a trip with the school and she seemed sooo excited about this trip (it would be fun I thought but my gut feeling was there was something else). She went on the trip, I only got a couple of text's and they for the most was answers to me asking how she was. No answer she sent was in her caring usual manner but very business like with facts only about what she had done. She came back from the trip, and seemed happy etc but when around me nothing, she didnt even ask for a hug or kiss I had to ask when I thought she was open enough to respond and she pulled away joking that she didnt want to...she didnt. At the end of that week she was due to go out with friends drinking for a colleague's leaving doo. She again seemed really excited about this, beyond anything I had seen for a good few months. She went out and bought 2 new outfits she has 100's of outfits and usually wants me to be with her to help her choose....apprentently I am good at girls clothes She went out on the night out, and called me before she left work and the conversation was stale and after a few mins she had nothing to say... which is unlike her completely. I stued all night knowing in my heart and gut that something was going on, as she didnt tell me where she was staying out that night till that phone call and seemed pretty vague about when she would be home the next day.. as we had plans to go out. She came back the next day at 2pm!! no call no text to say she was up and having breakfast then heading home like she always did, she didnt text me during he evening like normal which all added up to making me worry even more. When she got home, she said very little about the night, only that she had a great time and that she was out till 4am...she usually falls asleep at 2am at best when we go out with out partying friends. She evenutally feel asleep, so I did the ultimate sin, but was going out of my mind and I saw her mobile phone downstairs.. I read the recent text's. It seems all the build up was for good reason , she had kiss in her words to her friend "not just a normal one, a deep passionate one, I practicaly pounced on him" (i know a drunken kiss isnt the end of the world, but the build up was all there, it was the last chance she had before he left). Anyway, I had to grab my keys to the car from near where she was sleeping and stormed out, she must have heard me and came running out to the car asking what was I doing, I could tell she knew something was wrong.. I go out all the time. Anyway I confronted her, she said she had feelings for this guy but nothing had happened apart from the kiss, she regrets is etc , and that it was silly mistake. After talking about our whole situation, she is messed up in her head etc but the pursuit of this guy was "something different from our relationship" and if I didnt find out about the kiss we would have been over in the next few weeks anyway as it wasnt working again. She said she had tried but it felt like she was trying too much to make it work... I thought if you want something enough you would try for as long as it takes... Anyway, she left to stay at he mums, with the thought of having time to sort herself out to work out what she wants etc.... I want NC straight away. Only a week later I recieved an email stating that she would come and pick more clothes up and we needed to talk about changing the bills/mortgage etc over to me and arrange the money I would need to buy her out of the house. She came around, we talked casually at first but soon she brought the conversation around to us and then she cried and said over and over she tried but dosen't feel she loves me like before although she loves me deeply, couldnt ask for a better boyfriend, will never forget me and she said she will pobably wake up in 6 onths and think..."Ive made a huge mistake" I cried, she cried (I was determined to be strong and not show her I was soo distraight) she kissed me several times on the cheak and said sorry some more and left to live at he mums. Now Its a month since then and I am lost... I dont know how I will cope, I invested so much into the relationship emotionally and managed to become I thought a better person by being more open and showing my emotions but it seems this was not enough She has told her mum, best friend and others she is not seeing this guy and it was a one off, I believe this to be true at this point. But she has made plans to live with her friend nearer work and seems to be over us I think. I have about 20 mins a day where I don't think of her, and the memorys, and it is killing me inside, I read on LS about everyones experience and I am learning that NC, and trying to keep busy will help but it seems its not...what do I do
Thorgs Posted August 16, 2010 Posted August 16, 2010 Tough situation. I work in the education field (and actually want to be a PE Teacher) and I can tell you, PE Teachers don't work on the weekends. So she was pulling this affair for a while. I would say continue to go NC. How can you want to be with someone who you invested your whole life into that cheats on you? NC will help you move on and become a happier and stronger person. While going NC, it will be miserable at first, but it gets better. Try and eat right and exercise regularly. Best wishes my friend.
Author Chimp Posted August 18, 2010 Author Posted August 18, 2010 Thanks Thorgs, I appreciate you wishes. Re PE Teacher... its hard work my friend with all the after school classes and marking etc you will do. Good luck with it if thats what you have your heart set on, oh and if you have a partner when you are a teacher bare my story in mind, make sure you communicate if your late home etc
Sambo Posted August 18, 2010 Posted August 18, 2010 This is really hard and all you can do is stay as strong as you possibly can. She is thinking of herself and that's all you can do as well. You can't force someone into loving you and you have to wait till SHE comes back to you under your terms and conditions. You only want to love someone that loves you back. It's just that simple.
Recommended Posts