New posters on the OW/OM forum and the Infidelity forum

[pureinheart]

People here take themselves way too seriously if they think they're some kind of substitute for a professional.

 

I don't think anyone takes LS over a professional...I fortunately have a 24 hotline with my insurance...some don't have the insurance to cover a professional also.

 

Even with having a Psychiatrist, Psychologist and Therapist, I still read every book I can and get whatever info I can.

 

LS has been essential in my healing...and when first signing on most were helpful, so now I can handle the heat sometimes...other times I do something else. It's cool to talk to someone who has been through what your going through, or at the very least can identify.

[pureinheart]

I think this is a pointless thread. When posters start threads in an attempt to "police" other posters, they actually create MORE work for the ACTUAL Mods to do because of the bickering it creates.

 

Seriously, I have to agree with Reboot and 2Sure. How insecure in their position must a person be to not be able to tolerate contrary opinions?

 

:rolleyes:

 

This is not a pointless thread, it's a very needed thread...there has not been much bickering, in fact it has been a discussion.

 

Honestly, I don't understand how asking for common decency is a problem. If you read the beginnings of many recent threads in this forum, it is evident there is a problem to address...it's not about different "opinions" it's about verbal abuse.

[reboot]

Honestly, I don't understand how asking for common decency is a problem.

 

I agree that common decency should be the norm. But that isn't what the thread is asking for. The thread is asking for BS to butt out of OM/OW threads. Let's just be honest.

[crazycatlady]

I agree that common decency should be the norm. But that isn't what the thread is asking for. The thread is asking for BS to butt out of OM/OW threads. Let's just be honest.

 

No she is asking for less harshness on new OM/OW threads. The OP is open to both sides, has been on both sides even. But sometimes it can get really mean on first timers threads which can make some people run away.

[jennie-jennie]

I agree that common decency should be the norm. But that isn't what the thread is asking for. The thread is asking for BS to butt out of OM/OW threads. Let's just be honest.

 

To me it is common decency to let a hurting BS new to LS be welcomed by her own and not push my opinions on affairs in her face. I was just hoping that perhaps there were some BSs who thought this was common decency too.

 

I don't know why the BSs seem to have felt attacked in this thread. I just wanted to share my observation and hear what others, both BSs and OW/OM, felt about it.

[jennie-jennie]

I reread my OP, and from what I can see it is a suggestion not a request I am coming with. And my suggestion is for OW/OM as well as BSs.

 

Perhaps we should leave the welcoming to the respective group on each forum. There is no need to worry that tough love will not be delivered on the OW/OM forum, since there are such varying opinions among the OW/OM themselves.

 

1) Do you post on both forums?

2) Do you post on new posters' threads in the other forum?

[crazycatlady]

Damn it I posted before I meant to post and couldn't edit because Jennie posted after me So here is my attempt at editing my post. Glad I snagged a copy.

 

I agree that common decency should be the norm. But that isn't what the thread is asking for. The thread is asking for BS to butt out of OM/OW threads. Let's just be honest.

 

No she is asking for less harshness on new OM/OW threads. The OP is open to both sides, has been on both sides even. But sometimes it can get really mean on first timers threads which can make some people run away.

 

Weird I didn't post this but my computer blipped and it posted. I wasn't done.

 

I know the OP is open to both sides, has been on both sides, and likes people from both sides. But it does seem lately that there is a lot of harshness on this board. I originally started posting on this board because it was once more open and more....not nice, but understanding of people and the fact that humans are humans and are flawed. I didn't want to post on the infidelity board because it was so harsh and judgemental.

 

It seems to have moved here though. There have been a few recent topics over the last month or so that I haven't posted on or read past the first page or two because the OP (usually someone new) the attitude irritated me, so I didn't post. I knew anything I posted would not have been supportive or even "tough love" which is the justification of being harsh. So I don't post.

 

Later on, once they get that initial glut of emotion out, it seems more posters are more comfortable taking the harsher posts, plus their postings tend to become less hurtful to BS which helps keep the threads less...bitter.

 

Or so it seems to me.

[jennie-jennie]

You ARE very vulnerable when you come new to a forum. And I am talking about the forum dynamics now, not your personal situation. You wonder if anybody will notice you. If anybody will want to be friends with you. If what you are saying is completely up the wall or if it will make sense to anyone.

 

Before I became a member on LS I had been a member for a couple of years of another forum, for patients going through a long term chemo-like treatment. I had been noticed there, I had made friends there (and enemies), I had been respected for my knowledge and my opinions.

 

Coming new to LS I had no idea how my time here would turn out. I can say now that I have been noticed, I have made friends and enemies, I know my experiences and opinions have helped at least some OW/OM here.

 

But I too was once a shaky newcomer who did not know if I should stay or leave.

[White Flower]

First fake is a word I used to describe how I feel when I am not able to be honest with my opinion.

 

 

When my thread was pulled down and I enquired about bringing it back up since it was so peaceful and helpful I was told to start a new thread and be very careful with how I phrased things.

 

That would be fake to me.

(Which means I agree with you).

[jennie-jennie]

First fake is a word I used to describe how I feel when I am not able to be honest with my opinion.

 

If you appreciate the fact that all sides of the situation are being discussed on LS, then I'm a bit confused about this thread. What better time to voice an opinion than the first thread? At least that way a new poster gets a true feel for what this forum is about.

 

If anyone is unable to deal with the raw reality expressed on this forum, then it's their personal choice to not return. I would guess that LS isn't for everyone and that's OK. Hopefully a new OW or BW who doesn't like how things are said here will find what they are looking for elsewhere.

 

When my thread was pulled down and I enquired about bringing it back up since it was so peaceful and helpful I was told to start a new thread and be very careful with how I phrased things.

 

That would be fake to me.

(Which means I agree with you).

 

If anyone hasn't noticed, I am always honest with my opinions, even to the point of being brutally honest. I would never fake it. I will however be quiet when I believe it serves a better purpose, which is why I choose not to post on new BSs' threads.

[White Flower]

If anyone hasn't noticed, I am always honest with my opinions, even to the point of being brutally honest. I would never fake it. I will however be quiet when I believe it serves a better purpose, which is why I choose not to post on new BSs' threads.

 

I believe in being honest yet sensitive toward each poster as long as that poster is being sensitive in return. There is a fine balance when posting honestly and with dignity.

 

But when honesty is meant to be sarcastic it squashes any point they make because I believe the latter cancels the former.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Perhaps we should leave the welcoming to the respective group on each forum.

 

I’ve been here for quite some time, at least enough to have learned that LS generally discourages the formation of 'cliques' between certain groups of individuals or any behavior that may outwardly appear as such. While it’s perfectly fine to openly agree with posters whose opinions you share, as much as you may often disagree, “self-regulation” is required so as not to give the appearance that a certain select group of individuals have banded together to claim ownership over a particular sandbox, gang up on other posters, or segregate individuals into this group or that.

 

Unfortunately, as well meaning as your suggestion, the above might only encourage just that.

 

We remind all participants of the value of collaborative exchange. Discussions occurring on the public forum are to be inclusive of all participants and should not be of a private nature between a small, select group of people.

 

Hey… if it’s any consolation, you’re not the first person who’s ever suggested it! I think by now they’ve lost count of how many times threads like this one have been started. Which is probably why they decided to save themselves some time and just add it to the guidelines.

[bentnotbroken]

To me it is common decency to let a hurting BS new to LS be welcomed by her own and not push my opinions on affairs in her face. I was just hoping that perhaps there were some BSs who thought this was common decency too.

 

I don't know why the BSs seem to have felt attacked in this thread. I just wanted to share my observation and hear what others, both BSs and OW/OM, felt about it.

 

 

Her own what? BS's aren't a species that need to be tended to in some special way.

[White Flower]

Her own what? BS's aren't a species that need to be tended to in some special way.

 

Not all but many appear as though that is what they prefer. A thread started as a personal rant about yours truly literally stated that he felt 'safer in the infidelity forum' where he was with like-minded people. He was hoping all BS would jump on board and attack me right along with him but most of them defended me. For that reason I was sorry the thread was shut down.

[jennie-jennie]

Her own what? BS's aren't a species that need to be tended to in some special way.

 

 

You share similar experiences with people who have been in similar situations. You can understand each other as no other can. That is what I meant. The power of that is well known. That is why AA is only for alcoholics, GA for gamblers, OA for overeaters etc. If that was not the case we could just have one gigantic TSA - Twelve Step Anonymous.

[jennie-jennie]

That being said it is a strength of LS that all sides of the triangle are represented here. But sometimes when somebody is truly hurting it might be wise for a person from another side of the triangle to take a step back as their presence might rub salt in the wounds of the other.

[White Flower]

It boils down to sensitivity. When your parents scolded you loudly and slammed doors did you really receive the message or just run and hide? When they were kinder and gentler did you notice you actually heard what they said and took it to heart? The latter works every time.

[bentnotbroken]

That being said it is a strength of LS that all sides of the triangle are represented here. But sometimes when somebody is truly hurting it might be wise for a person from another side of the triangle to take a step back as their presence might rub salt in the wounds of the other.

 

 

 

Since everyone has kind of tapped danced around the what "I" see as the main point of this thread. Like minded doesn't mean my mind doesn't work in other situations and I for one have every intention of posting on any thread that I feel comfortable posting on in the same way that I have always posted. If a poster can handle it....okay, if not leave what I say alone and move on. My intent isn't to rub salt in any one's wounds and yet I am not looking for any special gloves either.

 

I didn't care for the tone of this thread in the first place, but JJ had every right to voice her opinion in a way that SHE felt most prudent and effective. That I can understand. Because that is the way I view all my post...as the most prudent and effective way I know how. My PM's tell me that they way has been effective for some for the entire time I have been here. I have no intention of changing that unless the big guy tells me too himself.

[bittersweet memories]

If anyone hasn't noticed, I am always honest with my opinions, even to the point of being brutally honest. I would never fake it. I will however be quiet when I believe it serves a better purpose, which is why I choose not to post on new BSs' threads.

 

 

Many of us are real far from fake..

[bentnotbroken]

It boils down to sensitivity. When your parents scolded you loudly and slammed doors did you really receive the message or just run and hide? When they were kinder and gentler did you notice you actually heard what they said and took it to heart? The latter works every time.

 

 

Parenting styles differ and it depends on the kids. We knew not to run and hide and listen no matter what was said. But children and adults should have different cognitive skills.

[bentnotbroken]

 

You share similar experiences with people who have been in similar situations. You can understand each other as no other can. That is what I meant. The power of that is well known. That is why AA is only for alcoholics, GA for gamblers, OA for overeaters etc. If that was not the case we could just have one gigantic TSA - Twelve Step Anonymous.

 

 

And those same people who get treated by a private therapist can and do get the same help without the therapist necessarily being an addict in whatever field they choose to treat.

[pureinheart]

When my thread was pulled down and I enquired about bringing it back up since it was so peaceful and helpful I was told to start a new thread and be very careful with how I phrased things.

 

That would be fake to me.

(Which means I agree with you).

 

I believe in being honest yet sensitive toward each poster as long as that poster is being sensitive in return. There is a fine balance when posting honestly and with dignity.

 

But when honesty is meant to be sarcastic it squashes any point they make because I believe the latter cancels the former.

 

I have held back at times when things get extremely heated, which in this case is a good thing...I've also held back because I can't handle the atomic bomb that I know will be dropped...so I have been fake in a sense out of necessity.

 

 

In bold...same thing as "I love you, BUT", the word "but" negates the previous words in that particualr sentance

 

LOL, sarcasm is a polite and partially passive way of being a jerk when it is REALLY meant to hurt another...when I've seen this, I've done it back

[Maxxx]

It boils down to sensitivity. When your parents scolded you loudly and slammed doors did you really receive the message or just run and hide? When they were kinder and gentler did you notice you actually heard what they said and took it to heart? The latter works every time.

 

 

I got the message ...... When they were loud because I knew when they were like that I had done something wrong and didn't want to do it again.

 

ie. I don't believe in holding back when I want to tell someone like it is I am going to. and I want people to do the same with me EVEN if it hurts. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Don't be asking for help if what you are doing is wrong in the first place. IMO

 

I think thats part of what is wrong with this WHOLE world today not just here everyone is scared of saying the wrong thing or hurting someones feelings...

[pureinheart]

That being said it is a strength of LS that all sides of the triangle are represented here. But sometimes when somebody is truly hurting it might be wise for a person from another side of the triangle to take a step back as their presence might rub salt in the wounds of the other.

 

I think it's sad that we even have to discuss or ask that people act right, and IMO that is what this boils down to. It is all about respect and common decency.

 

I can understand the trolls and newly BS's, although for those of us that have been around and posted a few times, what is the problem. Personally if I was operating in the BS mode, I would not want to go near an OW, it would only remind me of the pain and I would be tempted to take my anger/resentment/rage/frustration, just to name a few out on her.

 

I would feel more comfortable in my temporary vulnerability to be in a forum suited for my situation.

 

What possible satisfaction can one get projecting anger and other things on to another.

 

The reason this thread was started IMO is due to weeks of, "I don't feel you deserve support you piece of sh*t homewrecker. That is just one example of the rude behavior.

 

The worst person I ever dealt with in my life was exDM's W...I didn't post my thoughts and feelings to new BS's in infidelity, in fact don't think I posted there at all...I think back in the day I communicated distaste when the BS's would go off in the OM/OW forum, starting extremely rude threads, as it did happen a few times back then. Actually I remember a couple that did start horrible threads and the OW worked with them along with Vetran BS's and they calmed down.

 

Ok done with rant...

[wheelwright]

It boils down to sensitivity. When your parents scolded you loudly and slammed doors did you really receive the message or just run and hide? When they were kinder and gentler did you notice you actually heard what they said and took it to heart? The latter works every time.

 

Crikey! This is a good post. It says it all.

 

Mostly when I have posted new threads here, I have been in a robust enough state of mind, and I didn't care about the bits I had left myself open too.

 

Recently I had a thread where I got a lot of s***. Given my emotional turmoil, I couldn't sort out who was offering advice and who was dealing with their own troubles. Who was sensitive, and who wanted to hurt. I never felt that before on LS without being able to sift. My own emotions were too raw. It was like they sensed a weakness. I have since been able to work out that some people were advising me, and others were sticking up for their own hurt. And yet others were being kind although they didn't see things my way, they saw my hurt. Others pretended they cared, when in fact they disliked the substance of my thread, so tried to belittle me.

 

This latter is a nasty tactic. And one I wouldn't be drawn into responding to if I weren't in turmoil.

 

All this s*** goes on here.

 

And lovely support besides.

 

If your thread touches nerves, you won't get advice. You'll get a resonse to issues people feel.

 

And you may not know even what those issues are.

 

I really don't believe in the cruel to be kind stuff. I only once vilified an OPoster, out of shock at their statements. And I apologised. I don't think we should be telling posters they are bad, or questioning their motives except in subtle ways.

 

But I have enjoyed for example Dexter's posts. He's giving an angle. That's different.

 

Everyone on the receiving end knows the difference.

 

The nasty posters twist your words and create a case against you where you are the bad guy. They pull out what suits their argument, and don't listen to the heart of what you say.

 

The nice posters listen to what you say and give support. Sometimes harshly worded or hard to hear, but support. They respond rather than espouse.

 

It's easy to tell the difference, unless you are in a horrible emotional space. Which many who come here are.