New posters on the OW/OM forum and the Infidelity forum

May 22, 2010

4

I do think that this whole thread is a little bit ironic. I haven't read it all (so much in such a short space of time!), but I get the gist... a thread in which all 'types' (sorry if that offends but it's simpler than labeling everyone) are posting to discuss whether or not to discuss things? ... or something anyway.

When I first posted on LS, I appreciated ALL advice, still do. Yes, I received tough love, but it was meant with good intentions and I needed it. The advice is far more balanced when the opinions of everybody count.

I'm sorry Jennie - I don't agree. New poster could do with everybody's view as much as old posters. I don't see the point in censoring it.

I guess I'm having trouble coming to grips with the idea that there are people out there so insanely insecure that a few anonymous message board posters could drive them away from an anonymous message board because they don't like some of the advice given.

And please don't say "well they drive them away because they're just so gosh darned ugly and hateful to them". I've been here long enough to know Tony isn't going to put up with that.

Everybody is different...just because "some" can handle certain things does not mean all can.

This being a support "group"...and I think many are mature enough and sincere enough to want this to happen. First major rules in any first meeting...get to know the person you are conversing with first.

Certainly the first post is "some" info, although nine times out of ten there is more to it, more to the person...with my experience it's best to listen to them first, asking a couple of questions. There are some excellent councellors in here because I see they ask questions...this causes the poster to feel "safe" to let more of them "out". When a hurting/confused person is met with ...your a slimbag cheater, you get what you deserve you freaking liar, cheater, snake...this puts the OP on the major defensive, then they retaliate and in most cases are met with what a slimbag they are because they defended themselves...I just don't understand that one, but whatever.

Hazy, I'm not sure how you were met with in the beginning, you always seem to be way cool and very objective...I think "tough love" can go too far, sometimes into abuse, although I don't think that happened in your case, but have seen it here before.

Reboot, you would be surprised...some people are very hypersensitive. I think it's great that you don't understand this, it means you never went through it and that is VERY good!

There are those that have abused to the degree that they fear even leaving their homes...so in order to have some connection, as they cannot handle face to face connection, turn to the internet...and words hurt bad.

There are things that people have said to me in LS that is so inhuman and demeaning...it has made me feel horrible...and yes this is the internet that did this.

Because this is the internet there are many that feel it is ok to abuse...words do hurt.

May 22, 2010

So whats the worst thing that can happen in a marriage if its not affairs for you?

To loose a child. Rape, murder, drugs. Abuse, psychological/physical/emotional just to name a few. All these things can happen without an A. Carrying the entire load, meaning taking the kids to the babysitter, then working a ten hour day, picking the kids up, cleaning the house and then having your H come home about 10pm drunk and me getting frustrated and saying hey I wish you'd come home and help me...him saying F-you Beach and then me slapping him ...then me running knowing this guys gonna try to kill me.

May 22, 2010

To loose a child. Rape, murder, drugs. Abuse, psychological/physical/emotional just to name a few. All these things can happen without an A. Carrying the entire load, meaning taking the kids to the babysitter, then working a ten hour day, picking the kids up, cleaning the house and then having your H come home about 10pm drunk and me getting frustrated and saying hey I wish you'd come home and help me...him saying F-you Beach and then me slapping him ...then me running knowing this guys gonna try to kill me.

All except the rape(he exposed me to possible STD's so for me that is trying to kill me) I can identify with...for me the psychological and emotional abuse are the basis for affairs. Without those, do affairs exist? Then it would just be an open arrangement.

May 22, 2010

I just think it is kinda cold even if they didn't intend it to be that way. When one of my friends is down about something at a time I'm experiencing a much better situation similar to theirs, I refrain from anything that might be perceived as rubbing their face in it. I know they might, under different circumstances, love to hear how happy I am - just not right now. Right now is their pain and confusion and whatever I can do to help. Even if that help is some tough love. Tough love is helpful tho hard to hear - it only makes it cruel if I'm also singing about how great MY life is while doing it.

And since you will get all flavors of advise from faceless folk in this forum, the ones tooting their horn are just as bad as the ones flinging mud because their spouse stepped out - and it all puts a damper on the ones trying to truly help. The online route really has the OP dealing with something akin to a schizophrenic, 10 headed hydra. It all runs together.

OMG Sally...my God-mother used to do this...both of us have been through hell and back (some due to our own doing:() about a million times...

She would be flipped out crying and I would do what I know is right, and that is be sensitive , cry with her, pray with her, whatever she needed...then when I'd be all out of sorts she would sing praises of how she was glad her life was in order!!!!! Frustrating.

Then there was a bf that used to say...man I'm glad I'm not going through that...glad that's not me...

This is good Sally

May 22, 2010

To be honest, pureinheart, I still don't get why you did things when you know it is clearly wrong and you would get hurt, you seem like a woman who believe in God, I wonder what was your decision making system when you had the affair. You did it without consulting God and considering what God wants from you?

Edited May 22, 2010 by Lovelybird

May 22, 2010

All except the rape(he exposed me to possible STD's so for me that is trying to kill me) I can identify with...for me the psychological and emotional abuse are the basis for affairs. Without those, do affairs exist? Then it would just be an open arrangement.

This is where we differ. While I do believe everything you have said, I don't want to offend you by saying you were abused, because I don't know that for sure...you see the A as abuse and in your case I seriously think it was. Knowing your R with the Lord...YOU m'ed for better/worse...he obviousely did not, you were definitely deceived. Him having more than one tells me it was more than "problems" in the M...there was a problem with his not keeping his eyeballs in his head...sorry, I had a friend that used to say (his name) get your eyeballs back in your head (put southern accent in there)...it was funny.

I think A's happen for all different reasons, and Bent, seriously some of them do not give it a second thought for many reasons...money, as they have their own separate lives. Convenience is another reason...I've seen H's and W's turn a blind eye and don't care.

In some cases the S is abusive and thus the OP turns into the WS. There are revenge A's.

Most people speak in general terms unless met with a particular situation...remember when Moaning posted about her H bringing the OW to her home and then all that other stuff that I will not go into because it was gross. Hearing Moanings personal story gave "personality" to it and the posters posted to her on her personal issues...while I don't like what happened to her, I think we all grew from her thread and all of us, especially Moaning got a better understanding.

I don't think anyone questions the fact that you got the raw end of the deal (in thinking, maybe not).

I really think there are worse things in life than A's...JMO and that there are reasons for A's. Is there many things other will not agree with me on...yes, such as:

Should people eat right and no fast food...yes

Should spend money more wisely...yes

Should people not murder...yes

Should people quit cursing...yes...etc.

My friends do things that I don't agree with, but they are my friends...and the hurt...there are many ways to hurt others besides A's

May 22, 2010

To be honest, pureinheart, I still don't get why you did things when you know it is clearly wrong and you would get hurt, you seem like a woman who believe in God, I wonder what was your decision making system when you had the affair. You did it without consulting God and considering what God wants from you?

Hi LB...long time no see...lol

FOR ME ...there was a period of time that I made some very bad decisions, and I have just cleaned up the last one. I can't expect anyone to understand this.

For many years was in the process of "repairing" myself...overwhelmed with raising two kids, supporting them financially on my own, there was little time to repair me...I had been through a lot starting with sexual abuse at the age of 8 and all went down hill from there per se...then step fathers sexual abuse and during this time the only man I trusted was killed.

Then fiance gets murdered because his exgf couldn't handle seeing him with me...many many other things happened...I'm saying these things to let you know the state of trauma...it would take a book and my councellors say I should write one BTW.

Fast forward to 9/11. I was in VA and knew no one...10 min away from the Pentagon...my exH had gone UA from the USMC ...I get a call from my councellor..hey I have to cancel your appt....what don't you know what's going on...the Pentagon has just been hit.

My kid was in school...I was paralised...in a strange land knowing no one...USMC told me screw you because of my H going UA...I finally get back home after a long drawn out battle with the Marine Corps.

I was severely traumatized and just now understanding this...not making excuses, taking responsibility, I just needed to know the whys and hows.

The major stressors continued, my mother was sick, and trying to take care of her (she went to rest because that's what she wanted)...my hands were like so tied in so many areas. I knew my M was over and asked God to give me a chance to get my bearings back...so then I get called back to work...I am not at liberty to discuss these stressors but they were MAJOR.

I left my H...exDM came into the picture...I could blame him, I could blame me...although what's the point...we both messed up.

I was extremely hypersensitive and vulnerable, and LB there is soooo much more but this is the jist.

Ok that's how I got into the A...and also want to add, I was VERY judgmental towards a friend that was in an A...oh man, I ripped her a new one, almost to the point of calling judgment down on her...hummmm real Godly:confused:....also ripped a few other people that I knew were in A's...well I'm not saying God did this, although I was allowed to experience this (by my choice) to gain compassion and understanding.

I have understanding concerning the BS, although that did not affect me in the way the A did....OW/OM go through a lot to say the least.

As a BS I had understanding from others, so it was easy to deal with IMO...oh and also was the WS, the WS is scrutinized also.

OM/OW/WS have very few to turn to, it is a horrible place to be at times, you feel so all alone, I just thank God for those who had known me and knew I was stressed and gave love, compassion and understanding.

I saw such a different side than many of you see...do I regret my past...no, there is too much future to look forward to.

Edited May 22, 2010 by pureinheart

May 22, 2010

I have to say I kind of agree with Jennie in that new OW and OM (but more commonly it is an OW) really get harsh posts here. I've seen it time and time again...and sometimes these new posters just leave again after a few posts.

I feel kind of bad for them--they are trying to get some clarity about their situation and they are bashed severely for being involved with a married person. I always wonder what they took away from LS.

LS can be a harsh place--especially if a poster doesn't immediately conform to the expected notions; i.e. a person must have serious issues if they cheat, how dare someone become involved with a married person, etc.

I don't think there is a way it can or even should be moderated though.

There is possibly a way that we all could come to an agreement to give the poster a chance to communicate a couple of times before assuming that their first post is how they really feel. Also to agree to be respectful regardless if we agree with the poster...to have taste in our replies

Sometimes they are based on emotions and are a vent/rant.

May 22, 2010

Hi LB...long time no see...lol

FOR ME ...there was a period of time that I made some very bad decisions, and I have just cleaned up the last one. I can't expect anyone to understand this.

For many years was in the process of "repairing" myself...overwhelmed with raising two kids, supporting them financially on my own, there was little time to repair me...I had been through a lot starting with sexual abuse at the age of 8 and all went down hill from there per se...then step fathers sexual abuse and during this time the only man I trusted was killed.

Then fiance gets murdered because his exgf couldn't handle seeing him with me...many many other things happened...I'm saying these things to let you know the state of trauma...it would take a book and my councellors say I should write one BTW.

Fast forward to 9/11. I was in VA and knew no one...10 min away from the Pentagon...my exH had gone UA from the USMC ...I get a call from my councellor..hey I have to cancel your appt....what don't you know what's going on...the Pentagon has just been hit.

My kid was in school...I was paralised...in a strange land knowing no one...USMC told me screw you because of my H going UA...I finally get back home after a long drawn out battle with the Marine Corps.

I was severely traumatized and just now understanding this...not making excuses, taking responsibility, I just needed to know the whys and hows.

The major stressors continued, my mother was sick, and trying to take care of her (she went to rest because that's what she wanted)...my hands were like so tied in so many areas. I knew my M was over and asked God to give me a chance to get my bearings back...so then I get called back to work...I am not at liberty to discuss these stressors but they were MAJOR.

I left my H...exDM came into the picture...I could blame him, I could blame me...although what's the point...we both messed up.

I was extremely hypersensitive and vulnerable, and LB there is soooo much more but this is the jist.

Ok that's how I got into the A...and also want to add, I was VERY judgmental towards a friend that was in an A...oh man, I ripped her a new one, almost to the point of calling judgment down on her...hummmm real Godly:confused:....also ripped a few other people that I knew were in A's...well I'm not saying God did this, although I was allowed to experience this (by my choice) to gain compassion and understanding.

I have understanding concerning the BS, although that did not affect me in the way the A did....OW/OM go through a lot to say the least.

As a BS I had understanding from others, so it was easy to deal with IMO...oh and also was the WS, the WS is scrutinized also.

OM/OW/WS have very few to turn to, it is a horrible place to be at times, you feel so all alone, I just thank God for those who had known me and knew I was stressed and gave love, compassion and understanding.

I saw such a different side than many of you see...do I regret my past...no, there is too much future to look forward to.

I see......pureinheart, your life does sound very tough, I cannot imagine what you have been through and felt, I am sorry for those bad things happened, and hope you will have the full healing which you need for so many years.

May 22, 2010

So Jennie, at what point is it OK for a BW to voice her opinion? How long should a new poster be shielded from the reality that affairs cause pain to everyone involved (most of the time)? How long to you want us to fake it so that a new poster doesn't have to face the raw truth?

In the end, how does continuing deceit help anyone? Why would anyone want to come to a support forum where part of the population are afraid to voice their opinion because it may upset someone? Sounds ineffective to me but that's JMO.[/QUOTE]

What is also ineffective is a forum where a poster comes in and tells her story...gets hit from all sides and feels judged and never comes back again.

I agree we all have the right to say what we will, but sometimes it's how it's said. The other thing I've noticed is the demographics of the posters at a specific time. I've been on here when it seems to be all OW/OM posting and others when it's BS...that will tend to stack posts to appear one way or the other as well.

May 22, 2010

I guess I'm having trouble coming to grips with the idea that there are people out there so insanely insecure that a few anonymous message board posters could drive them away from an anonymous message board because they don't like some of the advice given.

And please don't say "well they drive them away because they're just so gosh darned ugly and hateful to them". I've been here long enough to know Tony isn't going to put up with that.

It is not about insecurity, it is about why would I go to a forum where I get beat up.

If you survive the initial assault, then things do calm down and the LS posters pretty much accept you as you are. But many new posters do not stay long enough to experience that.

May 22, 2010

Is there support in the challenge? A question asked by our MC and practiced by him in therapy. Challenges aplenty; support of both perspectives as a balance to the process. Balance is key, IMO. I never would've broken the unhealthy cycle of the EA without it. Balance kept me engaged and allowed the process to work. YMMV....

Great point, carhill. Challenge but support both perspectives as a balance to the process - this way the new poster gets information about his/her alternatives and can make an informed choice.

May 22, 2010

As a new poster, who has been both flamed as well as appreciative of the viewpoints on this forum... I have this to offer...

What I appreciate about LS oposing viewpoints - when people give me another perspective to think about...

what I don`t like - when I hear things like... he is lying to you, how can you trust a liar, you need to get out now... YOU dont know my A. Its not the same R as your WS, or I am not YOU. If it was phrased like, "my MM was a liar... you need to be careful". That is allot different.

Very important point, Lila. You can say the same thing in different ways. Ironically enough, the way you suggest above is much more likely to have impact on the reader.

When I can FEEL the anger through the post, as though the poster has nothing better to do, than sit at their computer and get actually angry at me for my A - thats over the top.

I will be honest and say that I have allot more "me" to offer this site, but I refuse, because frankly - its not worth it, I get easily misinterpretted by other peoples past situations, and hurts, and judgements. I end up spending my follow up posts defending myself, rather than just venting, or sharing my story, or recieving advice. If I ask a question that has nothing to do with going NC, or ending things... then thats not what I want to hear about in the follow up.

I too have more I could offer to the site, but some parts of me I do not share because of the atmosphere on LS. This is very unfortunate.

During my NC period last fall I did get good support from both BSs and OW/OM and from WS as well. I wish this kind of support would be available even during difficult times IN my relationship, not only during NC. As it is now I do not feel safe enough on LS to share the difficulties I do encounter in our relationship.

Several new posters have responded to my thread, and I hope the older LS members are taking their posts to heart, the new posters are confirming what I am saying.

May 22, 2010

So Jennie, at what point is it OK for a BW to voice her opinion? How long should a new poster be shielded from the reality that affairs cause pain to everyone involved (most of the time)? How long to you want us to fake it so that a new poster doesn't have to face the raw truth?

In the end, how does continuing deceit help anyone? Why would anyone want to come to a support forum where part of the population are afraid to voice their opinion because it may upset someone? Sounds ineffective to me but that's JMO.

I never asked anyone to fake it. I hate this twisting of my words that continuously goes on. I asked only if in the initial first thread of an OW/OM the BS would consider taking a step back and let the OW/OM do the talking.

One of the things I appreciate with LS is that I can read posts by BSs and hear their side of the story. Everything does not have to be crammed into the initial thread of a new poster.

From what I have read the BSs do the same, read the posts of OW to understand how they think. We ARE all interested in learning more about all sides in the triangle, and this is available to us on LS.

May 22, 2010

I think if you are "supporting member" that function is activated immediately. You know Donna, that is an even better point to be careful concerning new members.

Good point, Pure. The fact that new members do not have PM rights does make them even more vulnerable.

May 22, 2010

Initially, I didn't post in Infidelity, but these days I do. And yes, I do post on new BS's threads where I feel I have something to contribute. I find it sad when someone has posted - taking a great deal of courage in their hands - and their thread is lying there, ignored... I feel they deserve SOME kind of response, even if it falls short of the optimal one because I can't know what they're going through, having never been the BS. But I still think that one can respond empathetically, drawing out the issues or just offering a hug to someone who needs it. You don't need to pick a fight with a noob just because you perceive them to be on a different "side" to yourself.

I think that is the issue that Jen is really getting at here - not so much that BSs post on noob OW threads, because some do it sensitively and supportively - but that some stomp in with all cannons blazing. I think that doing that on a noob's thread WHERE THE NOOB IS IN PAIN AND LOOKING FOR SUPPORT is misplaced, whether you're the same "side" as them or not. (If the noob is posting to discuss, to flaunt, to troll or to humour, then support isn't necessarily the most appropriate response, IMO, but I treat each thread on its own merits when it comes to whether, or how, to respond).

Like Reeb, I don't think it's helpful to corral people into camps simply because of the hat they wear here. Particularly as some people wear more than one, and also because that implies some kind of "sameness" within the group. Despite being a rampant unrepentant evil fOW, I have more in common with some BSs and some WSs and some never been down that road at alls than I do with some people who happened to be an OW at some point in their lives... and I'm sure everybody feels the same about whatever group they've been assigned to.

If someone is responding inappropriately to a noob post, they should be called on it - either as a response to their post (if their post is within the TOS) or the mods alerted (if the post breaks the TOS). IMO, anyway.

May 22, 2010

That's the problem. They can't even go to a friend. They live their life with this big secret. If you have to keep it a secret and can't even talk to a friend then guess what it must not be very good.

Not true for all or even, I think, most OW. I am up front and open with my friends and family about the relationship I am in. I would guess for most OW there are plenty of people who we can discuss our relationship with, but as has been stated elsewhere, there is something that makes people want to reach out and discuss with people who have been there and done that.

I know that when my daughter passed away I had a lot of support from friends and family, however my healing did not really start until i was able to find another mother who had experienced the same loss and who was able to hold my hand as I walked the path towards healing. Having someone that knows exactly how you feel is invaluable for someone in pain.

As someone who has never been addicted to drugs, i can not offer the same kind of support to a want-to-be-recovered friend as a group of recovering addicts can, so when an addict friend asked for help I took her to NA meetings. While I was able to help her and love her, what I was able to do the best for her was to put her in touch with people who know exactly where she is because they have stood in the same place before.

I have been here for 7 months(used to have a different name) and I am not a BW or OW. I can clearly see why BS get defensive on OW/OM forum. For example, on infidelity you have a woman who is dancing with suicide day in and day out due to her H's A. Or man who has lost everything because his wife wanted to lie, cheat and sneak around. Then you have the OW forum with people posting things like "how to have a successful A?" and constantly hearing "MM/MW spouse is cold and unloving" you don't hear that over there too often, and I don't know if it makes the AP feel better to shift blame somewhere else but it is a common theme. I see a double standard here and I think people should just do as I do...don't read it and MOVE ALONG. There are posters who's replies make my stomach turn. So I avoid reading the responses. simple.

This is what I am talking about. It is people like wish2b who are desperately in need of help whom we are scaring away.

Maybe if one is in such desperate need of help and support, one should seek out a professional counselor? And not depend on a bunch of nameless, faceless people on the internet?

From the front page of this forum:

Just saying.....

So should OW go to the suicidal BW and talk to her about the merits of our relationships? No, of course not. She needs guidance and support from people who have been where she has been. The same holds true for OW who come to post here. just because they do not openly state that they are contemplating suicide does not mean that they are not suffering extreme emotional pain.

I fail to see why people can not treat others with compassion. Perhaps it is because i have stood on all sides of an affair and can claim all three labels that I will respond to a posters pain and not their status in the affair.

If all they want is sharing with others who have had similar experiences...there are other websites that cater to that specifically.

This site does more than that.

If this site doesn't meet their wants...then they can find those sites that do.

Makes a little more sense to me that people seek out the sites that meet their criteria rather than to try to force the population of this community to change to meet it.

So basically they should just go away?

These people are coming here for support, which is the reported purpose of this board. I would think that telling them to go find support elsewhere is rather counter-productive IN A SUPPORT FORUM!!!

And why do BSs post about NC all the time? Do they truly, honestly believe that someone who is not ready to end a relationship will be able to really do so just because they are pushing the idea so hard?

Come on, I noticed this difference in posting behaviors and thought the discussion about it would be interesting to read.

That is, in my experience the first thing thrown at new OW who come to LS.

"NC IS THE ANSWER TO ALL THAT AILS YOU" could be the new banner for the board and save us all the trouble of thinking that you can come here and find "support for someone who finds themselves in a relationship with someone who is in a committed relationship" (or whatever the actual saying is).

While I myself have often suggested NC to posters, it is because they are in a place where they are ready to make such a thing work, and I see it as the best response based on what they are posting. Not simply because they are in an affair so they must imediately initiate NC and never ever break it.

(I must admit I am still dumbfounded by those who continue to push NC even after the MP has left the marriage. Instead of saying to people that they are using NC to "heal" after which the realtionship may work, they should be honest and tell people that what they are proposing is that YOU GO NC FOREVER and even if your SO (MM/MW) leaves their marriage and divorces and tries to contact you to attempt to have that relationship you wanted you can never ever ever talk to them again til the day you die :confused::confused: )

That is for sure all I have ever said about people cheating.

And it is Bull crap that you can't leave a house always has a door and people are free to leave anytime they want.... But if you are going to stay be faithful.

And don't be asking for suport when you are going behind people's backs and hiding things

I think that most people would agree with you. Even us Unapologetic OW.

Why do you insist we choose sides? Why do we have to be pigeon holed? Why can't we just take our own personal experiences and wisdom (assuming we have any) and try to help people? Why must it always be a battle?

Why?

Do some of you actually think our anatomy is somehow different because I am a BS and you are a OW? Maybe our hearts on on different sides of our chests? Maybe our blood is a different color?

Why can't we just be nice to each other without making our caustic little comments all the time?

Why is this the 100th thread exactly like this that I've read here?

I don't know why they can't just pass your opinion on by without assuming you're talking ABOUT THEM or directly to them. I guess its always got to be about them. Might have something to do with their choice to have an affair in the first place?

And one quote answers the other. *shrug*

It is an us against them world.

I identify as being OW on this board despite my 15 years as a BW and my year of being WW (in an EA) because I have been told on this board that my time as OW means that I am "nothing but OW". (This was told to me when I was offering my advice and hugs to a BW in pain over on infidelity board.)

How could that be possible, since no one gets PM privileges at the get go?

I have suggested to several new people who thought of leaving that they stick it out on other boards at LS (politics, water cooler, wherever) until they get PM privledges. Then they are able to PM for the support they are seeking.

It shouldn't have to be like that, but it is.

As a new poster, who has been both flamed as well as appreciative of the viewpoints on this forum... I have this to offer...

What I appreciate about LS oposing viewpoints - when people give me another perspective to think about...

what I don`t like - when I hear things like... he is lying to you, how can you trust a liar, you need to get out now... YOU dont know my A. Its not the same R as your WS, or I am not YOU. If it was phrased like, "my MM was a liar... you need to be careful". That is allot different.

When I can FEEL the anger through the post, as though the poster has nothing better to do, than sit at their computer and get actually angry at me for my A - thats over the top.

I will be honest and say that I have allot more "me" to offer this site, but I refuse, because frankly - its not worth it, I get easily misinterpretted by other peoples past situations, and hurts, and judgements. I end up spending my follow up posts defending myself, rather than just venting, or sharing my story, or recieving advice. If I ask a question that has nothing to do with going NC, or ending things... then thats not what I want to hear about in the follow up.

I am glad you are still here. The support you seek does exist here at LS, it is a matter of reading the true intentions of the posters. There are those who will say things that feel harsh, but you will be able to read that it was said with love and compassion. There are those who will say things that are aimed at doing nothing more than to cause you additional pain. There are those who will speak the truth as they see it with such compassion that you will find it hard to believe when you find out they are BW not OW.

There is much to learn here at LS.

As has been stated numerous times, take what you need, take what will help, and ignore the rest.

(You will also earn the right to send private messages after 50 posts and one month *I think * and then you can seek out privately those people with whom you feel most comfortable speaking.)

May 22, 2010

I think this is a pointless thread. When posters start threads in an attempt to "police" other posters, they actually create MORE work for the ACTUAL Mods to do because of the bickering it creates.

Seriously, I have to agree with Reboot and 2Sure. How insecure in their position must a person be to not be able to tolerate contrary opinions?

:rolleyes:

May 22, 2010

People here take themselves way too seriously if they think they're some kind of substitute for a professional.

May 22, 2010

Even a paid professional isn't going to mindlessly cheerlead a person in whatever actions (good or bad) that they take, or plan to take. A professional is going to point out areas of concern or other things to consider, unlike a cheerleading squad.

May 22, 2010

IMO, because LS allows every opinion to be voiced within the moderators guidelines, it's a true representation of realty. If an OW, new or old, can't take the raw truth of how a BW feels about the situation, how will she be able to deal with any possible fall out in real life? Same for a BW who can't take what the OW has to say. Fact is affairs cause pain and, in most cases, there is no way to avoid it.

If hearing something upsetting in a first post on an anonymous online forum is enough to stop an OW from posting again, then how is she handling the emotional stress of an affair in the first place? Maybe an OW who can't have a discussion about affairs that includes the pain they cause to others, should end the affair because of what may happen in real life. Just saying it might be what is best for an OW who is so upset by a BW on this forum.

May 22, 2010

I never asked anyone to fake it. I hate this twisting of my words that continuously goes on. I asked only if in the initial first thread of an OW/OM the BS would consider taking a step back and let the OW/OM do the talking.

One of the things I appreciate with LS is that I can read posts by BSs and hear their side of the story. Everything does not have to be crammed into the initial thread of a new poster.

From what I have read the BSs do the same, read the posts of OW to understand how they think. We ARE all interested in learning more about all sides in the triangle, and this is available to us on LS.

First fake is a word I used to describe how I feel when I am not able to be honest with my opinion.

If you appreciate the fact that all sides of the situation are being discussed on LS, then I'm a bit confused about this thread. What better time to voice an opinion than the first thread? At least that way a new poster gets a true feel for what this forum is about.

If anyone is unable to deal with the raw reality expressed on this forum, then it's their personal choice to not return. I would guess that LS isn't for everyone and that's OK. Hopefully a new OW or BW who doesn't like how things are said here will find what they are looking for elsewhere.

May 22, 2010

I see......pureinheart, your life does sound very tough, I cannot imagine what you have been through and felt, I am sorry for those bad things happened, and hope you will have the full healing which you need for so many years.

Thanks LB!!!!!! (((((((((hugs, that was so cool to say))))))))

May 22, 2010

Very important point, Lila. You can say the same thing in different ways. Ironically enough, the way you suggest above is much more likely to have impact on the reader.

I too have more I could offer to the site, but some parts of me I do not share because of the atmosphere on LS. This is very unfortunate.

During my NC period last fall I did get good support from both BSs and OW/OM and from WS as well. I wish this kind of support would be available even during difficult times IN my relationship, not only during NC. As it is now I do not feel safe enough on LS to share the difficulties I do encounter in our relationship.

Several new posters have responded to my thread, and I hope the older LS members are taking their posts to heart, the new posters are confirming what I am saying.

Here, Here jennie...me too, but I hold back because I'm too hypersensitive at times to handle the atomic bombs that fall.

May 22, 2010

Even a paid professional isn't going to mindlessly cheerlead a person in whatever actions (good or bad) that they take' date=' or plan to take. A professional is going to point out areas of concern or other things to consider, unlike a cheerleading squad.[/quote']

Who said anything about cheerleading ever...it's about support..period.

A professional ALWAYS gets to know the individual they are councelling first...it may take several visits to get to the core issues.

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