New posters on the OW/OM forum and the Infidelity forum

May 23, 2010

I came to LS not wanting to end my relationship with my MM, but wanting to learn how to deal better with being an OW, wanting to understand better how a good person can be a WS. Am I not worthy of support then, because I choose to live my life according to my own morals instead of the majority's?

You should not realistically expect the majority that does not share your morals to not honor theirs by condoning your actions.

May 23, 2010

two wrongs don't make it right..... I think that's relavant to what F.O.G. is suggesting by my post but it popped into my head.

But if you're in the boat of once a cheater, always a cheater and everyone else is perfect then go ahead and cast the first stone....

I agree that Field's post was very provacative and thought provoking, especially for me. But I effed up and came here for support. I appreciate what I have received and hope that others can continue to benefit from all POV.

NO ONE is saying that people shouldn't come here!

But they also shouldn't come here with the REALISTIC EXPECTATION of being coddled.

It's just not gonna happen. It's an open public forum.

May 23, 2010

An alcoholic goes to AA for assistance in STOPPING his actions.

And if my MM came to LS it would be because he hoped to solve his dilemma. It is not like he is expecting a pat on his back - good for you you are having two women.

May 23, 2010

My MM has said to me with sorrow in his voice: There is nowhere for someone like me to go to seek help with my dilemma.

philanderers.com

I haven't visited the above site but it looks like it is an exclusive group for WS. He can also go to IC or MC. And of course he can get support for his dilemma here.

I've heard of tons of relationship sites since I've been here. They are usually exclusive to the BS, the AP, or the WS. I love that all can post on LS even those that aren't any of those labels.

We all don't agree on the definition of support. That is where a lot of this conflict is coming from.

May 23, 2010

All I can say is this- before WF's thread was pulled, OWoman joked about loading her AK47 (or some automatic weapon) in reference to WF's MM.
If OWoman doesn't feel the need to be terribly compassionate, that says a lot.

I do not know what prompted OWoman to write that post. It was a joke. She is WF's friend. She was not responding to a post of WF's MM.

Anyhow in either case I do not agree with everything OWoman says and does, even though I have gained much knowledge from her posts in general.

May 23, 2010

I know IC is not done in one session. I also never suggested that the decision process is quicker on LS.

But you have to feel safe to post on LS to even be able to start the decision process with its support.

Or he could man up (just as I did when I came here) and post on a forum like LS and deal with the flak just as I did.

Your affair was over when you came to LS. Your MM had ended it. The decision was made for you, even if you perhaps agreed with it.

My MM is in a relationship with me. I am not making the decision for him. Therefore your situation is not comparable to his.

There are many on LS who post in a supportive and non-judgemental who would try to help your MM if he came here.

And would they respect his decision to stay in both his relationship with me and his marriage as long as he finds it the best choice for himself, me and his family, while he is trying to solve his dilemma, without continously jumping on him and thus drawing attention from the issues he would be working with?

And I never suggested you are not worthy of support or should end your relationship! We all need help and support at times - hence why we come to LS.

I never claimed you did. That was a general question to everybody.

Edited May 23, 2010 by jennie-jennie

May 23, 2010

You should not realistically expect the majority that does not share your morals to not honor theirs by condoning your actions.

I never expected the majority to condone my actions. I just expected to be treated with human decency.

May 23, 2010

Your affair was over when you came to LS. Your MM had ended it. The decision was made for you, even if you perhaps agreed with it.

I ended it, not him. My decision.

May 23, 2010

And if my MM came to LS it would be because he hoped to solve his dilemma. It is not like he is expecting a pat on his back - good for you you are having two women.

Ok, since you brought it up, if he were to post here, what do you think is an appropriate first response?

May 23, 2010

philanderers.com

I haven't visited the above site but it looks like it is an exclusive group for WS. He can also go to IC or MC. And of course he can get support for his dilemma here.

I've heard of tons of relationship sites since I've been here. They are usually exclusive to the BS, the AP, or the WS. I love that all can post on LS even those that aren't any of those labels.

Thanks, I will check that out. I do hope it is not a support group promoting affairs though, because that is not what we are looking for.

My MM's plan is to start IC before the year is up. I hope he will do this, since it is clear to both him and I that he is in need of IC.

I think you have to be very strong to be a WS in an affair and post on LS. Unfortunately I don't think my MM is that strong. Let's hope some other WS comes here and breaks the ice and shows us that LS indeed is capable of giving support to a WS currently in an affair.

We all don't agree on the definition of support. That is where a lot of this conflict is coming from.

True.

May 23, 2010

I ended it, not him. My decision.

Huh? He was already in a relationship at that time with the woman he later married. But we can always rewrite history, can't we?

May 23, 2010

I never expected the majority to condone my actions. I just expected to be treated with human decency.

If you feel you weren't treated according to Community Guidelines, you were welcome to report those posts.

May 23, 2010

Ok, since you brought it up, if he were to post here, what do you think is an appropriate first response?

It is more about the tone of the response. You can still hold the same opinion, that affairs are wrong, but perhaps phrase it like: this is my experience, I was in an affair, it was bad for me, it went against my morals, doing something against my morals hurt me, have you looked at what it is doing to you and your family...

If you want to look at how I respond to posters, you can look at my reply to Lila's thread. I am not cuddling and cheerleading her, I am asking her questions about her morals, trying to make her think and consider if she is were she wants to be or not. I am telling her that MM seldom leave, I am telling her not to give up her dreams about more children etc.

May 23, 2010

Huh? He was already in a relationship at that time with the woman he later married. But we can always rewrite history, can't we?

Sigh....

I think I know the details better than you Jennie. But just for you:

I ended the affair in June.

He kept texting me, saying things at work -e.g. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" - this text was 2 weeks AFTER I had ended it.

My H drops me off at work one day and ex-OM is right there in front of us.

I go into meltdown and talk to ex-OM. It is then that he tells me he is seeing someone else (seeing her whilst texting me too ). This is three weeks AFTER I ended it. He told me he had only started seeing her AFTER I had ended it.

He still carried on flirting with me etc for months after that. And he still eyes me up and down even now. :sick:

By the way I have never posted whether they are married yet. So looks like you are writing history.

May 23, 2010

If you feel you weren't treated according to Community Guidelines, you were welcome to report those posts.

We all know that there are posts which are not bad enough to be breaking the Community Guidelines, but which are still harsh, rude and bashing.

Sometimes I have wondered if it is because the moderators of LS also belong to the majority who condemn affairs that more is not done to get a less hostile climate at LS.

May 23, 2010

Sigh....

I think I know the details better than you Jennie. But just for you:

I ended the affair in June.

He kept texting me, saying things at work -e.g. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" - this text was 2 weeks AFTER I had ended it.

My H drops me off at work one day and ex-OM is right there in front of us.

I go into meltdown and talk to ex-OM. It is then that he tells me he is seeing someone else (seeing her whilst texting me too ). This is three weeks AFTER I ended it. He told me he had only started seeing her AFTER I had ended it.

He still carried on flirting with me etc for months after that. And he still eyes me up and down even now. :sick:

By the way I have never posted whether they are married yet. So looks like you are writing history.

Of course you lived it, I didn't. But I read some of your first threads on LS, where I distinctly got the impression that you wanted to start up with OM again, but he said no. We all know that an extramarital relationship is not over just because one partner ends it, it is not over until the fat lady sings, ie one of the participators has turned away to never look back again, which I understood to be your MM in your case.

I might be wrong, but this is the impression I got from your threads. They were written when it happened and are therefore more credible to me than how you choose to describe it today.

By the way, are you saying your MM called of his wedding? Last I read you were contemplating whether to go to it or not.

May 23, 2010

It is more about the tone of the response. You can still hold the same opinion, that affairs are wrong, but perhaps phrase it like: this is my experience, I was in an affair, it was bad for me, it went against my morals, doing something against my morals hurt me, have you looked at what it is doing to you and your family...

If you want to look at how I respond to posters, you can look at my reply to Lila's thread. I am not cuddling and cheerleading her, I am asking her questions about her morals, trying to make her think and consider if she is were she wants to be or not. I am telling her that MM seldom leave, I am telling her not to give up her dreams about more children etc.

I could be off base on this but your response seems more than a bit controlling..

Is a person not allowed to phrase things their own way.. that only your way will work ?

Have you ever heard of personal responsibility ?

You are responsible for what you say they are responsible for how they react to it.

and vise versa

May 23, 2010

Of course you lived it, I didn't. But I read some of your first threads on LS, where I distinctly got the impression that you wanted to start up with OM again, but he said no. We all know that an extramarital relationship is not over just because one partner ends it, it is not over until the fat lady sings, ie one of the participators has turned away to never look back again, which I understood to be your MM in your case.

I might be wrong, but this is the impression I got from your threads. They were written when it happened and are therefore more credible to me than how you choose to describe it today.

He was not married. He is now the ex-OM. Nothing more to me than that. And as you can see from my post above (all factual), he still shows that he is attracted to me which is totally not reciprocated. He is still the one who has issues about what happened (like trying to hide my existence from his partner ).

And if you look at all my posts from that time, you will see that I state more than once that I found myself saying things to the ex-OM which I knew I did not really mean even as I said them. My biggest problem at the time was no longer feeling in control of everything that was happening and I panicked.

I describe it all more calmly now because I am well and truly out of the fog. No reconstruction of fact going on here, just being honest about it all.

As for the ex-OM and whether he is married or not. I have not posted any update because it has no relevance to me. It was also my H who was contemplating going, not me.

May 23, 2010

Sigh....

I think I know the details better than you Jennie. But just for you:

I ended the affair in June.

He kept texting me, saying things at work -e.g. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" - this text was 2 weeks AFTER I had ended it.

My H drops me off at work one day and ex-OM is right there in front of us.

I go into meltdown and talk to ex-OM. It is then that he tells me he is seeing someone else (seeing her whilst texting me too ). This is three weeks AFTER I ended it. He told me he had only started seeing her AFTER I had ended it.

He still carried on flirting with me etc for months after that. And he still eyes me up and down even now. :sick:

By the way I have never posted whether they are married yet. So looks like you are writing history.

But let's just say for discussion's sake that you had indeed ended your relationship with your OM priior to posting for the first time on LS. That would still put you in a very different position than my MM, who is currently IN an extramarital relationship.

May 23, 2010

But let's just say for discussion's sake that you had indeed ended your relationship with your OM priior to posting for the first time on LS. That would still put you in a very different position than my MM, who is currently IN an extramarital relationship.

What on earth do you mean "for discussion's sake"? Are you accusing me of lying?

May 23, 2010

We all know that there are posts which are not bad enough to be breaking the Community Guidelines, but which are still harsh, rude and bashing.

Sometimes I have wondered if it is because the moderators of LS also belong to the majority who condemn affairs that more is not done to get a less hostile climate at LS.

There is only one mod, jennie. And he's too busy to read every post in every thread on LS.

May 23, 2010

We all know that there are posts which are not bad enough to be breaking the Community Guidelines, but which are still harsh, rude and bashing.

Sometimes I have wondered if it is because the moderators of LS also belong to the majority who condemn affairs that more is not done to get a less hostile climate at LS.

From another thread currently open:

Originally Posted by Owl
Tony,

I'm just curious. I've been on many forums over the years, and this is the only one I've seen that appears to have one moderator/admin/director.

Most sites normally have multiple mods to help distribute the workload. I have NO doubt that keeping up with this is probably a ton of work for you.

I remember in the past that we had at least a couple of mods going at one time (Frederika and Midori were two that I recall), but over the years that's gone down to just you.

I mean no disrespect here at all, I'm just curious if the plan is to keep a single person running the show, or if you've just not had any volunteers from others to assist in moderating?

No, the plan is for me to retire and spend more time on my day job. I do this as a volunteer service, as thankless as it is. I would give the world not to have to sign onto this site five or six times a day, fix problems and receive the hateful, even threatening, Email I get. So, from the start, we are on the same page.

It's hard to imagine but so many member here think I read EVERY SINGLE POST. They get very angry because they got an infraction for things that other people get away with. That happens because members don't report every violation and I simply don't have time to read 95 percent of the posts. I have no favorites here and I don't even look at member names most of the time.

On several recent occasions, we lined up five or six potential moderators, trained them, and put them out to do the job. Two actually signed on for a week or so and disappeared. The others didn't even bother to do that.

Just over a year ago, we thought we had a very dedicated person. That person was here for a month and alienated so many people with harshness and stern lectures that the person had to be terminated.

It's not easy finding people who want to obligate themselves to do something on a regular basis for free. I am a bit older than most of the members here and came from a generation where we did things to serve others and we didn't insist on money. Today, even the Best Buy delivery truck driver charges to turn off his truck before he gets out of it to bring in my stereo.

In any case, we do need moderators...qualified....with good judgment...a willingness to serve (for FREE)....dependable...etc. We are always seeking to identify those people. There are several regulars on the site now who have been approached to be moderators but who declined because of other obligations. We prefer to have moderators we have determined, from their regular posts, to have good judgment, are non-judgmental, and dependable. It's also very helpful if the persons are open to heavy criticism despite the fact they are donating their time to do a thankless job.

I truly need a vacation.

Thank you so much for your post and for the opportunity to express my feelings concerning this matter.

May 23, 2010

Post where you feel comfortable posting. All forums on LS are open to everyone. As an example Crazycatlady who is a BS chose to post her first thread on the Other Man/Woman forum because she felt the most comfortable here. Whatever works for you works for us.

This thread is not about dividing into groups. It is about self-regulation, thinking before posting, asking oneself before posting: "Will my post contribute to the new poster feeling that LS is a safe and supportive place?"

Welcome to LS! I hope you will find the support you are seeking here.

Oh My jennie-jennie are you sure about that?

May 23, 2010

What on earth do you mean "for discussion's sake"? Are you accusing me of lying?

OK, I will rephrase that:

Even if you indeed ended your relationship with your OM prior to posting for the first time on LS. That would still put you in a very different position than my MM, who is currently IN an extramarital relationship.

Also, you embrace the moral code of the majority of the LS posters, which also makes it easier for you to post here than for the WS who does not believe affairs are inherently wrong. "The unapologetic MM", remember?

May 23, 2010

My 2 cents worth.......this going back and forth isn't helping things, it seems to be mostly a personal battle now.

I for one appreciate the fact that the mod(s) aren't too heavy handed. I think peeps should be allowed to post wherever they want/think they need to. I do think seasoned posters are a bit too heavy handed at times and it's a turn off to hear the same mantra over and over by different posters, but with that said.....we all are entitled to a bad day now and then. IMO, new posters should be treated with a little more generosity and a little more compassion than they sometimes are. I think that if a poster really wants help/advice, they will hang in there and take what they need and discard the rest. The key is to be open to what is offered.

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