New posters on the OW/OM forum and the Infidelity forum

May 23, 2010

I've been reading LoveShack for awhile, but never registered. This thread however, inspired me to do so. I don't really fit in any group. But I find myself reading here when I have time. I started reading here in '08 after an affair came to light and shattered one of my dearest friends.

I have no idea where I'd post. I'm not a BS. I was an unwitting OW many years ago, though it was VERY short-lived. I am an adult who still has issues to this day because of my father's infidelities and what it did to my mother. I am a military member who has watched grown men collapse when discovering their wives indiscretions. I am a woman who became a fill-in mom for my best friend's children when she discovered her military husband was having an affair while deployed. I have so many hats that I wear.

Perhaps someone could tell me where I should post?

May 23, 2010

I've been reading LoveShack for awhile, but never registered. This thread however, inspired me to do so. I don't really fit in any group. But I find myself reading here when I have time. I started reading here in '08 after an affair came to light and shattered one of my dearest friends.

I have no idea where I'd post. I'm not a BS. I was an unwitting OW many years ago, though it was VERY short-lived. I am an adult who still has issues to this day because of my father's infidelities and what it did to my mother. I am a military member who has watched grown men collapse when discovering their wives indiscretions. I am a woman who became a fill-in mom for my best friend's children when she discovered her military husband was having an affair while deployed. I have so many hats that I wear.

Perhaps someone could tell me where I should post?

Post where you feel comfortable posting. All forums on LS are open to everyone. As an example Crazycatlady who is a BS chose to post her first thread on the Other Man/Woman forum because she felt the most comfortable here. Whatever works for you works for us.

This thread is not about dividing into groups. It is about self-regulation, thinking before posting, asking oneself before posting: "Will my post contribute to the new poster feeling that LS is a safe and supportive place?"

Welcome to LS! I hope you will find the support you are seeking here.

Edited May 23, 2010 by jennie-jennie

May 23, 2010

Post where you feel comfortable posting. All forums on LS are open to everyone. As an example Crazycatlady who is a BS chose to post her first thread on the Other Man/Woman forum because she felt the most comfortable here. Whatever works for you works for us.

This thread is not about dividing into groups. It is about self-regulation, thinking before posting, asking oneself before posting: "will my post contribute to the new poster feeling that LS is a safe and supportive place?"

Welcome to LS! I hope you will find the support you are seeking here.

I guess that's part of my problem, LOL. I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. I don't really feel like I fit in with the BS crowd because I have never, thank God, felt their pain. I couldn't even begin to give them advice. I don't feel like I fit in with WS because I cannot understand the sneakiness. Even though I was once an OW, I don't really feel like I fit in because I don't like affairs.

And to be honest, I don't really even know what kind of support I'm really seeking, or that I have that much to offer. I guess it's kind of therapeutic to read all the various sides?

I just hate affairs. I'd so much rather people just GTFO if they're not happy in their relationships. That would save so many people so much pain and heartache, on all sides of the triangle.

May 23, 2010

Here we have the opening post:

I have a theory.

When I go to the Infidelity forum, it is because I want to discuss a topic which is brought up there. I don't go there to welcome and support new BS posters. I don't go there to tell a new poster that I believe an OW has a right to pursue a relationship with a MM if she is in love with him. I leave it to the BSs to welcome another BS, and this in spite of the fact that I have been a BS myself in my two prior long term relationships.

When I see BSs posting here on the OW/OM forum sometimes it is to discuss topics brought up here, but very often it is to give tough love to new OW/OM posters. At times this leads to the new posters feeling that LS is not the place for them, which is unfortunate since they have turned to LS because they were in need of support.

Perhaps we should leave the welcoming to the respective group on each forum. There is no need to worry that tough love will not be delivered on the OW/OM forum, since there are such varying opinions among the OW/OM themselves.

1) Do you post on both forums?
2) Do you post on new posters' threads in the other forum?

And now we have this:

Post where you feel comfortable posting. All forums on LS are open to everyone. As an example Crazycatlady who is a BS chose to post her first thread on the Other Man/Woman forum because she felt the most comfortable here. Whatever works for you works for us.

This thread is not about dividing into groups. It is about self-regulation, thinking before posting, asking oneself before posting: "Will my post contribute to the new poster feeling that LS is a safe and supportive place?"

Welcome to LS! I hope you will find the support you are seeking here.

JJ

You seem to be contradicting yourself. In your opening post, you talk about "groups" and suggest that people should keep to one forum or another.

Yet your latest post is against "groups" and that we should all post where we want (which I totally agree with).

However you seem to be inconsistent in what you are advocating.

May 23, 2010

I value everyones opinion here. I can't imagine who told you such a thing, but whoever it was is not worth talking to.

All this lumping together that many here insist on doing is just silly. We are all just human beings, with ideas and opinions and worth. I'm just a man with a lot of varied experiences in life. Some good, some bad, some interesting, some not so much.

The fact that I was once cheated on does not define who and what I am. It doesn't make my opinions right or wrong. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else.

I've been pm'd by one frequent poster on Infidelity and told that my opinions were not valued and asked not to post on their threads. So I don't. I post on others on Infidelity if I feel I have something of importance to say but mostly I pick and choose what I like to read.

I honestly prefer to have all viewpoints shared on both threads, I think there are times when a new poster is not quite sure where to post, in OM/OW or Infidelity, they land on the one that is less than supportive and perhaps they should have started the thread on the other but nonetheless they get good advice. This happened to me personally with my very first thread. There were definitely those on Infidelity that socked it to me right off the bat, I responded to most with a "Thank you for your input" as I felt all was valued. But I'd like to think I have a little stronger constitution and can handle the "tough love". I can see some newbies on LS who definitely find it a huge turnoff right off the bat.

Perhaps if those posting took the time to read through the posts and not just the initial before answering they could take the temperature of the OP and see what they can/can't handle emotionally off the bat.

Just a suggestion.....

JAST

May 23, 2010

IN A NEW POSTER'S VERY FIRST THREAD! Do I have to scream to make you hear that?

That isn't being very supportive

May 23, 2010

I have been reading along, and the irony of some of the things being said here is about to kill me. I have to say this.

There is a lot of talk here about treating others with respect, consideration, and dignity. Using restraint and self-control. Try to be helpful and not hurt anyone.

I am drowning in the irony of it.

All I can say is, it's a crying shame we don't emphasize living by those values in real life, instead of just on these posts.

"treating others with respect, consideration, and dignity. Using restraint and self-control. Try to be helpful and not hurt anyone."

If we would live our lives this way, and encourage others to do so, there would be no devastated OW, BS's, or children whose world have been destroyed.

Because an affair, by it's very nature, is about the exact opposite of all those things.

I am wondering why, when so many don't live by those fine standards IRL, why would anyone expect them to live by those standards when posting on an Internet board?

Just wondering.

May 23, 2010

Here we have the opening post:

And now we have this:

JJ

You seem to be contradicting yourself. In your opening post, you talk about "groups" and suggest that people should keep to one forum or another.

Yet your latest post is against "groups" and that we should all post where we want (which I totally agree with).

However you seem to be inconsistent in what you are advocating.

I am not contradicting myself. My opening post was a suggestion for self-regulation. Some posters on this thread have unfortunately interpreted my post as a dividing into groups. That was not my intention, which I hope I have clarified by my last post.

May 23, 2010

In your opening post, you talk about "groups" and suggest that people should keep to one forum or another.

Once again, I have NEVER suggested that people should keep to one forum or another. That would have been highly hypocritical of me since I contionously post on the Infidelity forum. Because of that I have trouble believing anybody even thinks that is what I am proposing. Claiming such a thing sounds like one of the strawmen Myrtle is talking about.

May 23, 2010

I have been reading along, and the irony of some of the things being said here is about to kill me. I have to say this.

There is a lot of talk here about treating others with respect, consideration, and dignity. Using restraint and self-control. Try to be helpful and not hurt anyone.

I am drowning in the irony of it.

All I can say is, it's a crying shame we don't emphasize living by those values in real life, instead of just on these posts.

"treating others with respect, consideration, and dignity. Using restraint and self-control. Try to be helpful and not hurt anyone."

If we would live our lives this way, and encourage others to do so, there would be no devastated OW, BS's, or children whose world have been destroyed.

Because an affair, by it's very nature, is about the exact opposite of all those things.

I am wondering why, when so many don't live by those fine standards IRL, why would anyone expect them to live by those standards when posting on an Internet board?

Just wondering.

Honestly... the best post in this thread...

But then again IRL there are no guarantees either.. You do have people who don't live by the golden rule and find themselves in need of support for something most of us would never do.

I would think that they would be able to get support from a webpage such as LS.. and they do..

What the OP is trying to say is that the only support that should be given is to only show that it is okay to have that affair and it is okay to continue on with it and other viewpoints shouldn't be mentioned because those are considered supportive of a posters cause.

When I was a drinking alcoholic almost 24 years ago I didn't see people telling me that I had a problem as supportive either but in reality they were the reason I found AA and stopped drinking.

May 23, 2010

That isn't being very supportive

I think reboot can take it. He is not new to the board. If not, I am sorry, reboot, for screaming.

May 23, 2010

correction in my last post:

I meant to say:

I would think that they would be able to get support from a webpage such as LS.. and they do..

What the OP is trying to say is that the only support that should be given is to only show that it is okay to have that affair and it is okay to continue on with it and other viewpoints shouldn't be mentioned because those are considered not supportive of a posters cause.

May 23, 2010

I have been reading along, and the irony of some of the things being said here is about to kill me. I have to say this.

There is a lot of talk here about treating others with respect, consideration, and dignity. Using restraint and self-control. Try to be helpful and not hurt anyone.

I am drowning in the irony of it.

All I can say is, it's a crying shame we don't emphasize living by those values in real life, instead of just on these posts.

"treating others with respect, consideration, and dignity. Using restraint and self-control. Try to be helpful and not hurt anyone."

If we would live our lives this way, and encourage others to do so, there would be no devastated OW, BS's, or children whose world have been destroyed.

Because an affair, by it's very nature, is about the exact opposite of all those things.

I am wondering why, when so many don't live by those fine standards IRL, why would anyone expect them to live by those standards when posting on an Internet board?

Just wondering.

I for one live by those standards in real life. The fact that my SO/MM has chosen to remain married although he is in an exclusive relationship with me does not change that fact.

May 23, 2010

I for one live by those standards in real life. The fact that my SO/MM has chosen to remain married although he is in an exclusive relationship with me does not change that fact.

Guilt by association is very real...

May 23, 2010

Perhaps if those posting took the time to read through the posts and not just the initial before answering they could take the temperature of the OP and see what they can/can't handle emotionally off the bat.

Just a suggestion.....

JAST

Great suggestion. And your post reminds us of the vulnerable place a WS is in when posting for the first time on LS.

May 23, 2010

correction in my last post:

I meant to say:

I would think that they would be able to get support from a webpage such as LS.. and they do..
What the OP is trying to say is that the only support that should be given is to only show that it is okay to have that affair and it is okay to continue on with it and other viewpoints shouldn't be mentioned because those are considered not supportive of a posters cause.

Why are you twisting my words into something I never said and don't even agree with? What is your motivation in misrepresenting me like that?

May 23, 2010

Why are you twisting my words into something I never said and don't even agree with? What is your motivation in misrepresenting me like that?

I'm just interrupting your words not twisting.

What is my motivation.. for what ?

I'm just posting my opinion about your thread.

May 23, 2010

Guilt by association is very real...

One word (or two): Moral relativism. To me this is not a problem.

May 23, 2010

I'm just interrupting your words not twisting.
What is my motivation.. for what ?

I'm just posting my opinion about your thread.

I figure you mean interpreting not interrupting.

You have totally misinterpreted what I am saying. If this was not done on purpose, then you know now that I was not trying to say, neither do I believe, what you were stating in your prior post. You are free to state your opinion, but please do your best to not misrepresent what I am saying.

May 23, 2010

I figure you mean interpreting not interrupting.

Yes, thank you.. darm spell check and happy tapping

May 23, 2010

they could take the temperature of the OP and see what they can/can't handle emotionally off the bat.

More irony, and great advice for real life. If everyone contemplating an affair would as themselves that question. . . "Can the OW/BS/betrayed children handle it emotionally?" before the affair is started, there would be so much less hurt and anger in the world.

But again, my point is, if people don't do this in real life, when dealing with real people, why should anyone expect It to happen on an anonymous Internet board?

I mean, honestly . . .

JAST

May 23, 2010

Perhaps we should leave the welcoming to the respective group on each forum. There is no need to worry that tough love will not be delivered on the OW/OM forum, since there are such varying opinions among the OW/OM themselves.

Once again, I have NEVER suggested that people should keep to one forum or another. That would have been highly hypocritical of me since I contionously post on the Infidelity forum. Because of that I have trouble believing anybody even thinks that is what I am proposing. Claiming such a thing sounds like one of the strawmen Myrtle is talking about.

Still reads to me as if in your OP you are stating that BS should keep out of the OW forum even if just for new threads as the OW/OM can look after new posters good enough without help from others.

So as a former WS, where am I allowed to post Jennie? Seeing as you see that the OW/OM forum is for OW/OM to post and Infidelity is for BS.

May 23, 2010

A lot of thinly disguised barbs on this thread as well as the inevitable straw men that appear...

I'm not a great fan of BSs or OW being welcomed only by "their own kind".

Not all comments from BSs to newly betrayed posters are helpful. As a devastated BW joining LS well over a year ago I did not need to hear "your H is an utter scumbag and you should kick him to the curb" from other BSs, and I have also noticed that BHs tend to get "your WW is a disgusting woman who spread her legs for another guy". Many BS who come here are wanting to reconcile and these sorts of comments just add to the agony.

Also the continued tension between people who are no longer OW/OM and those still in As means that new OW/OM get comments that they find upsetting too. If you take the whole thing to extremes then "their own kind" means not only posters who happen to fall into the broad category of either BS, or OP but also those within the categories who happen to be in the exact same situation.

To me this defeats the whole purpose of having such an understanding. So Jennie I have to disagree with you - respectfully I hope. I do however agree that LS would be a better place without these extremes of comments. But as person very much in favour of free speech I try to take the good with the bad.

Hi Myrtle, good to see you. Thank you for your interesting and respectfully given view on this matter. You bring up some valid points.

May 23, 2010

they could take the temperature of the OP and see what they can/can't handle emotionally off the bat.

More irony, and great advice for real life. If everyone contemplating an affair would as themselves that question. . . "Can the OW/BS/betrayed children handle it emotionally?" before the affair is started, there would be so much less hurt and anger in the world.

But again, my point is, if people don't do this in real life, when dealing with real people, why should anyone expect It to happen on an anonymous Internet board?

I mean, honestly . . .

Are you saying that your opinion is that if you have not at all times been able to live up to your ideals you should give up on them?

May 23, 2010

I personally find this whole concept of some posters keeping out of threads to allow regulars within a particular forum to "welcome" a new poster ridiculous and offensive. This to me is censorship and suggests that the opinions of some outweigh the opinions of others. We ALL have the right to post anywhere throughout LS and we ALL have valid opinions regardless of our personal history and experiences. If discussing affairs, whether as a BS, WS or OW/OM, we all have something to contribute which may be relevant to the poster's situation. Tough love is quite often needed just as much as, if not more than, sympathy and support.

If I am to be accused of a strawman argument then go ahead. I would rather that than be accused of trying to police this site and telling posters to back off because they do not agree with what you want to say/hear/believe.

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