New posters on the OW/OM forum and the Infidelity forum

[pureinheart]

I got the message ...... When they were loud because I knew when they were like that I had done something wrong and didn't want to do it again.

 

ie. I don't believe in holding back when I want to tell someone like it is I am going to. and I want people to do the same with me EVEN if it hurts. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Don't be asking for help if what you are doing is wrong in the first place. IMO

 

I think thats part of what is wrong with this WHOLE world today not just here everyone is scared of saying the wrong thing or hurting someones feelings...

 

No Maxxx, it's about acting right...please read some of the beginnings of the recent multipage threads in this forum.

[pureinheart]

Crikey! This is a good post. It says it all.

 

Mostly when I have posted new threads here, I have been in a robust enough state of mind, and I didn't care about the bits I had left myself open too.

 

Recently I had a thread where I got a lot of s***. Given my emotional turmoil, I couldn't sort out who was offering advice and who was dealing with their own troubles. Who was sensitive, and who wanted to hurt. I never felt that before on LS without being able to sift. My own emotions were too raw. It was like they sensed a weakness. I have since been able to work out that some people were advising me, and others were sticking up for their own hurt. And yet others were being kind although they didn't see things my way, they saw my hurt. Others pretended they cared, when in fact they disliked the substance of my thread, so tried to belittle me.

 

This latter is a nasty tactic. And one I wouldn't be drawn into responding to if I weren't in turmoil.

 

All this s*** goes on here.

 

And lovely support besides.

 

If your thread touches nerves, you won't get advice. You'll get a resonse to issues people feel.

 

And you may not know even what those issues are.

 

I really don't believe in the cruel to be kind stuff. I only once vilified an OPoster, out of shock at their statements. And I apologised. I don't think we should be telling posters they are bad, or questioning their motives except in subtle ways.

 

But I have enjoyed for example Dexter's posts. He's giving an angle. That's different.

 

Everyone on the receiving end knows the difference.

 

The nasty posters twist your words and create a case against you where you are the bad guy. They pull out what suits their argument, and don't listen to the heart of what you say.

 

The nice posters listen to what you say and give support. Sometimes harshly worded or hard to hear, but support. They respond rather than espouse.

 

It's easy to tell the difference, unless you are in a horrible emotional space. Which many who come here are.

 

It's your thread that really got me upset, and then it kept going, and had been going...I could hold my tongue no longer...self control right out the door due to righteous indignation. I was embarrassed at some of the replies to you and others.

 

In fact a new poster posted in your thread and was really hurting, looking for advice. I am really glad you are ok.

 

It's the way a person comes across...you can tell when "support" is tainted with hate and anger.

[Fallen Angel]

[/b]

 

I’ve been here for quite some time, at least enough to have learned that LS generally discourages the formation of 'cliques' between certain groups of individuals or any behavior that may outwardly appear as such. While it’s perfectly fine to openly agree with posters whose opinions you share, as much as you may often disagree, “self-regulation” is required so as not to give the appearance that a certain select group of individuals have banded together to claim ownership over a particular sandbox, gang up on other posters, or segregate individuals into this group or that.

 

Unfortunately, as well meaning as your suggestion, the above might only encourage just that.

 

 

 

Hey… if it’s any consolation, you’re not the first person who’s ever suggested it! I think by now they’ve lost count of how many times threads like this one have been started. Which is probably why they decided to save themselves some time and just add it to the guidelines.

 

Yet this "mob" mentality is exactly what occurs in new OW/Om threads where a new poster is attacked by a group of people all saying the same thing and trying to beat the newcomer into submission and in line with their ideals.

 

That is what is happening, yet nothing is done to stop it, in my opinion. And when someone points it out, they are told their thread is pointless... (color me confused.)

[Fallen Angel]

I got the message ...... When they were loud because I knew when they were like that I had done something wrong and didn't want to do it again.

 

ie. I don't believe in holding back when I want to tell someone like it is I am going to. and I want people to do the same with me EVEN if it hurts. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Don't be asking for help if what you are doing is wrong in the first place. IMO

 

I think thats part of what is wrong with this WHOLE world today not just here everyone is scared of saying the wrong thing or hurting someones feelings...

 

:confused: HUH?

 

Then who should ask for help, those who are perfect? That makes no sense at all to me... I am so confused... maybe I read this incorrectly because I just do not understand this comment AT ALL... :confused:

[jthorne]

Yet this "mob" mentality is exactly what occurs in new OW/Om threads where a new poster is attacked by a group of people all saying the same thing and trying to beat the newcomer into submission and in line with their ideals.

 

That is what is happening, yet nothing is done to stop it, in my opinion. And when someone points it out, they are told their thread is pointless... (color me confused.)

Well, you do have to admit that infidelity and affairs are controversial topics, and there are far more people against these topics than for them.

 

If you looked at it from a purely statistical standpoint, it would make sense that there would be more posts against than for.

[Fallen Angel]

Well, you do have to admit that infidelity and affairs are controversial topics, and there are far more people against these topics than for them.

 

If you looked at it from a purely statistical standpoint, it would make sense that there would be more posts against than for.

 

I agree.

 

Also note that I am often in the "end the affair" camp, despite my OW status.

 

However, it is silly to assume that someone will truly hear the message behind the screams; it is much more effective to whisper so that they have to quiet themselves to hear what you are saying.

 

Having someone attacked by a mob of angry and cruel posters accomplishes nothing but making the OP defensive and/or causes them to disconnect completely and leave.

 

The point being, if you want to actually impact someone's life by imparting your views/wisdom, then it is better accomplished with compassion and tact than by beating them in the head with a brick. Just my opinion. *shrug*

[jthorne]

I understand what you (and others) are saying.

Maybe it's just me, but when I first came here with my "problem", it was the bricks that made me sit up and pay attention.

To each his own, I guess. I must be hardheaded.

[reboot]

You guys can dance around this all you want. What is being suggested here is BS should counsel BS and OM/OW should counsel OM/OW. There are plenty of the latter group that post in Infidelity, and I've never heard anyone ask them not to. This is the umpteenth thread suggesting BS stay out of this forum.

[jennie-jennie]

You guys can dance around this all you want. What is being suggested here is BS should counsel BS and OM/OW should counsel OM/OW. There are plenty of the latter group that post in Infidelity, and I've never heard anyone ask them not to. This is the umpteenth thread suggesting BS stay out of this forum.

 

IN A NEW POSTER'S VERY FIRST THREAD! Do I have to scream to make you hear that?

[Fallen Angel]

You guys can dance around this all you want. What is being suggested here is BS should counsel BS and OM/OW should counsel OM/OW. There are plenty of the latter group that post in Infidelity, and I've never heard anyone ask them not to. This is the umpteenth thread suggesting BS stay out of this forum.

 

No one "asked" me not to post in infidelity. I was told "Your opinions do not matter to us in infidelity, you are just an OW, stay on your own board."

 

Apparently my 15 years as a betrayed wife were nullified by my time as OW. *shrug*

 

If my presence on infidelity board is not wanted< I will stay away. No biggie.

 

And I am not suggesting that BS quit posting here on OW/Om board. I welcome the differing opinions, I just hate to see ANYONE hurting be attacked mercilessly by a group of people who really could care less about that persons emotional well being. But that is just my nature, and I will defend anyone who i see being attacked, no matter if I agree with their view points or not. Period.

[reboot]

IN A NEW POSTER'S VERY FIRST THREAD! Do I have to scream to make you hear that?

 

No. I heard you loud and clear.

[wheelwright]

Well, you do have to admit that infidelity and affairs are controversial topics, and there are far more people against these topics than for them.

 

If you looked at it from a purely statistical standpoint, it would make sense that there would be more posts against than for.

 

I agree with this, but doesn't it fail to get to the heart here (V unlike you from what I read)?

 

You can dislike what someone does, and really give them support anyway. You can be gentle if someone is hurt, even if you feel the hurt about the ramifications of their life in your life.

 

There are certain things OW don't like to hear, and some things BSs don't like to hear. That will never change.

 

When I heard the idea that xMOM blanked me because he chose to be that cruel to me of his own volition, and not because of pressure from his BS, I took it. I agreed it was more than likely. I did not set up a stream of posts trying to make BSs feel bad, because I felt bad.

 

I do not feel I was shown the same courtesy. But I am still emotional.

 

I have noticed BSs like to mention the possibility of OOW in threads where OW talk about extreme love. And of course the famed 'fog'. The using, serial cheater lines.

 

I have noticed OW/OM playing up that the AP said the M sucked, and calling the BS fat, ugly whatever. That they only stayed for the kids etc.

 

These are all triggers for us on these forums.

 

I'll roll over. I'm an old romantic where everyone is nice to each other and we can all work it out if we just have a cup of tea/bottle of wine.

[jthorne]

No, actually, I was referring to the practicality of it. Statistically, there are more nay sayers. So it's just not practical to think that on a public forum people are going to wait around for the first response to come from the welcome wagon. (I'm not saying welcome wagon in a derrogatory way).

[reboot]

No one "asked" me not to post in infidelity. I was told "Your opinions do not matter to us in infidelity, you are just an OW, stay on your own board."

 

I value everyones opinion here. I can't imagine who told you such a thing, but whoever it was is not worth talking to.

 

All this lumping together that many here insist on doing is just silly. We are all just human beings, with ideas and opinions and worth. I'm just a man with a lot of varied experiences in life. Some good, some bad, some interesting, some not so much.

 

The fact that I was once cheated on does not define who and what I am. It doesn't make my opinions right or wrong. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else.

[bentnotbroken]

WW, all those things that you have mentioned were also mentioned by FOW. And honestly, how many times have you seen on this board, in your own situation did some of those things that you didn't want to hear show themselves to be true? Is it you didn't want to hear the truth or you didn't care for the persona that spoke that truth?

[reboot]

I value almost everyones opinion here.

 

Fixed my own post.

[wheelwright]

No, actually, I was referring to the practicality of it. Statistically, there are more nay sayers. So it's just not practical to think that on a public forum people are going to wait around for the first response to come from the welcome wagon. (I'm not saying welcome wagon in a derrogatory way).

 

OK. I am seeing from previous posts you like to deal in facts.

 

So I won't push you on this.

 

But (just like a woman) I was more interested in the emotional aspects.

[bentnotbroken]

You guys can dance around this all you want. What is being suggested here is BS should counsel BS and OM/OW should counsel OM/OW. There are plenty of the latter group that post in Infidelity, and I've never heard anyone ask them not to. This is the umpteenth thread suggesting BS stay out of this forum.

 

 

I agree. That's all this is about.

[Lovelybird]

When I read thread about people cheat, and other posters begins to support the cheating, I felt like the darkness begins to reign the world, I don't know where the anger come from, I guess I don't really want to see the dark things. I really don't understand why people support cheating, cheating harms everyone involved. When you support cheating--you may say you are supporting the person, but some of you said in those posts is like support cheating, "ok, one more in my team, I feel better", I felt like you don't really focus on truth, but encourage the OW cater more of her small world, sometimes you even encourage lie as long as that suit her selfish purposetemporarily! and some of you don't even think that is wrong to hurt the family kids and the wife ! I guess many people are angry at these dark things. When I see remorseful OW who are trying to change, I feel genuinely want to support her; but when I see the unremorseful ones, the ones put her happiness in the first place and happy to live in a lie, I feel the harshness of them, then I feel angry, I feel reluctant to show softness toward them

[wheelwright]

WW, all those things that you have mentioned were also mentioned by FOW. And honestly, how many times have you seen on this board, in your own situation did some of those things that you didn't want to hear show themselves to be true? Is it you didn't want to hear the truth or you didn't care for the persona that spoke that truth?

 

I liked hearing it. I helped me get over xMOM (though I am still having problems in that departmet LOL...)

 

It was the twisting of my words and circumstances once something that had happened to me challenged the BS status quo on LS - it was fog, NC cures all, he loves me more etc.

 

Sometimes all that's dead true. Sometimes it isn't. But some BSs want it always to be true.

 

Just like some OW want it to be always true that they stayed for the kids or whatever.

 

It needs to be voiced all of this and we each side learn so much.

 

I learnt many things here, and you are wrong if you think I wanted to hear 'your xMOM loves you, but his circumstances are making him mess around'. I wanted the harsh stuff.

 

But I did not want to be called a liar about my experiences, my emotions, my crisis. I did not want to face people at my most vulnerable point who were more interested in discrediting me than helping me.

 

I only once in several months opened a thread at a vulnerable moment. I never will again. I know how I will respond (defensively to the point of stupidity) and I know what I will get (good advice mixed with posts out for a kill)

 

They can detect vulnerabilty from a thousand yards here on LS.

 

I have seen it with others too. It stinks.

[Fallen Angel]

I liked hearing it. I helped me get over xMOM (though I am still having problems in that departmet LOL...)

 

It was the twisting of my words and circumstances once something that had happened to me challenged the BS status quo on LS - it was fog, NC cures all, he loves me more etc.

 

Sometimes all that's dead true. Sometimes it isn't. But some BSs want it always to be true.

 

Just like some OW want it to be always true that they stayed for the kids or whatever.

 

It needs to be voiced all of this and we each side learn so much.

 

I learnt many things here, and you are wrong if you think I wanted to hear 'your xMOM loves you, but his circumstances are making him mess around'. I wanted the harsh stuff.

 

But I did not want to be called a liar about my experiences, my emotions, my crisis. I did not want to face people at my most vulnerable point who were more interested in discrediting me than helping me.

 

I only once in several months opened a thread at a vulnerable moment. I never will again. I know how I will respond (defensively to the point of stupidity) and I know what I will get (good advice mixed with posts out for a kill)

 

They can detect vulnerabilty from a thousand yards here on LS.

 

I have seen it with others too. It stinks.

 

I am sorry you feel this way.

 

I am sorry that you did not get the support and understanding you needed and sought.

[pureinheart]

Yet this "mob" mentality is exactly what occurs in new OW/Om threads where a new poster is attacked by a group of people all saying the same thing and trying to beat the newcomer into submission and in line with their ideals.

 

That is what is happening, yet nothing is done to stop it, in my opinion. And when someone points it out, they are told their thread is pointless... (color me confused.)

 

Personally FA, I think this is the case with all in OM/OW forum, meaning old posters that post. Then the OP gets twisted completely out of context...actually it is a mind game and manipulation...

 

The mob thing you speak of is bullying...I worked with MANY bullies...they are the worst IMO. They don't care how they communicate because in essence it's all about them...which I might add is what WS's are accused of and OW/OM...personally I think it is the other way around. There is no reasoning with a bully, ever.

[Lovelybird]

As I see, you OW aren't that fair either. I remember a woman started a thread as a OOW, then some of the OWs here are nasty toward her, because the oow offended their positions. Where is the decency and support?

[crazycatlady]

I agree with this, but doesn't it fail to get to the heart here (V unlike you from what I read)?

 

You can dislike what someone does, and really give them support anyway. You can be gentle if someone is hurt, even if you feel the hurt about the ramifications of their life in your life.

 

There are certain things OW don't like to hear, and some things BSs don't like to hear. That will never change.

 

When I heard the idea that xMOM blanked me because he chose to be that cruel to me of his own volition, and not because of pressure from his BS, I took it. I agreed it was more than likely. I did not set up a stream of posts trying to make BSs feel bad, because I felt bad.

 

I do not feel I was shown the same courtesy. But I am still emotional.

 

I have noticed BSs like to mention the possibility of OOW in threads where OW talk about extreme love. And of course the famed 'fog'. The using, serial cheater lines.

 

I have noticed OW/OM playing up that the AP said the M sucked, and calling the BS fat, ugly whatever. That they only stayed for the kids etc.

 

These are all triggers for us on these forums.

 

I'll roll over. I'm an old romantic where everyone is nice to each other and we can all work it out if we just have a cup of tea/bottle of wine.

 

I'll drink the tea or the wine which ever you prefer with you any day WW and discuss emotions until the pot or bottle is empty.

 

Until then, I'll keep writing my posts and then erasing them without posting when it comes to a poster/topic that is personal that I can't be kind in. I don't always manage to bit my tongue/fingers in time, but I do try with the personal topics of at least the new posters...and sometimes those I preceive as more fragile I try to be gentle with as well. I don't always manage it, but I at least try.

 

CCL

[whichwayisup]

As I see, you OW aren't that fair either. I remember a woman started a thread as a OOW, then some of the OWs here are nasty toward her, because the oow offended their positions. Where is the decency and support?

 

This is also why afew MM stopped posting too. I'm not making waves, I'm just pointing out that what some OW get upset about BS's, some OW did the exact same thing to MM's who posted threads.

 

Anyway, As I always say, harsh and respectful advice is much different than rude and cruel advice.

 

LS is a public site and anyone can join and put in their 2 cents. Some are BS's, some are OW/OM, some are neither. Advice is advice, like it or leave it, but most (we all know there are trolls that come and go, so excusing them) people who take the time to reply, are trying to help. Even if some don't agree with what's been said.