Once a cheater always a cheater?

[Liketherest]

If in your shoes I would go to the 12 step SA type program, offer for him to go but don't demand or tell him to. It's free unless you buy books and donate the dollar. As far as once a cheater always a cheater, consider infatuation. After that wheres off, it's high time to work together on romance, sharing chores, going on dates, a walk after dinner. I bet everyone here would go for a walk pretty far for romance if they had been single for sometime.

[JAGeezer]

No. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is too pat, too easy. It doesn't require any thought. I believe that once someone has cheated, the character flaw that allowed them to do so will be a part of them all of their lives. It can be sublimated, redirected, and sometimes outright suppressed, but it can never be excised. They will be a cheater "in recovery" for the rest of their lives. That doesn't mean that they'll cheat again, anymore than an alcoholic or any other sort of addict is automatically going to fall off the wagon. However, being in a relationship with someone who has cheated (even if it wasn't you they cheated on) in the past is a higher risk proposition than being in a relationship with someone who hasn't. That's just the way it is. I wouldn't do it. I learned the hard way. No second chances on adultery. Ever. But that's just me. Everyone has their own risk tolerance, and that can vary with your situation. You have to follow your gut and your heart.

 

JAG

[summerl0vesyou]

the problem here is trust. you shouldnt be asking if we think he will cheat again; none of us could ever know that, even himself.

Seriously...its the sad truth.

Some people cheat again, some dont.

Its all about your ability to trust that he wont and honestly believe it in your heart.

Your focus needs to be on whether or not you can trust him... it doesnt seem like you can. but thats all in your head. Faith is blind...we do not know the future, we can only have faith.

thats why people get married. Theres truly no guarantees that things wont change, but people promise it anyway. Why? Because they hope and have faith.

good luck to you

[Gfkr2]

Absolutely YES. My M is living proof cheaters do have affairs again even if it is many years down the road from the first instance. My Stbx cheated 23 years ago when our M was young. I forgave her after she was almost killed in an auto accident going to visit her AP. Her parents begged me and being young I saw it is my duty. I Visited her for the 6 weeks she was in the hospital, and cared for her at home during her lenghty recovery. I never asked her "why" she cheated and just did my best to mend her broken body and our M failure.

 

We had a happy M since, or so I thought. I learned she was having an A recently with OMM. Of course, I am crushed. There was nothing wrong that I could see with our relationship. I worked hard to provide her an upper middle class life and all the extras that come with a happy relationship, yet given the opportunity she grabbed for the brass ring in having a secret A. I caught on after only a month, and had concrete proof within 5 months of it starting.

 

She never came to me an indicated a problem. Nor did she suggest marriage counselling to remedy whatever was driving her dissatisfaction- nothing. After 25 years you would think my WW would have come to me if the M was truly important to her as it was to me. She slipped off after belting down glasses of chardonnay and decided she was entitled to an A. Bleep 25 years. She no doubt had butterflies thinking of the sex with her lover. The thought of her banging another guy makes my skin crawl and divorce an easy option. Learn from my mistakes, cheaters will cheat again. I deserve

better and you should too.

[misternoname]

I agree that people can change but the "relapse" rate for cheaters is so high why take the risk? Bail out and find yourself a loyal guy. Just my 2 cents worth.