christina808 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 My boyfriend cheated on me three years ago, I forgave him, but can't forget about it. Now, even after three years I can't get myself to trust him. What's worst is that now he has a new job that only requires us to see each other three times a week. I am tired of all the distrust, and I'm sure he is too. Although he swears from his mother's grave that he will never cheat again, but I don't really believe him. We have been together for 8 years now, we were seriously thinking about getting married three years ago, until he cheated on which, now we're back to zero. I am seriously thinking of leaving him and start fresh. Do you think I should leave him? or try to work things out. I asked some of my friends and they said that 8 years is long time to just throw away. They want want me to work things out with him. I think what I am really afraid of is to be cheated again. Do you guys believe that once a cheater will always be a cheater?
OWoman Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 My boyfriend cheated on me three years ago, I forgave him, but can't forget about it. Now, even after three years I can't get myself to trust him. What's worst is that now he has a new job that only requires us to see each other three times a week. I am tired of all the distrust, and I'm sure he is too. Although he swears from his mother's grave that he will never cheat again, but I don't really believe him. We have been together for 8 years now, we were seriously thinking about getting married three years ago, until he cheated on which, now we're back to zero. I am seriously thinking of leaving him and start fresh. Do you think I should leave him? or try to work things out. I asked some of my friends and they said that 8 years is long time to just throw away. They want want me to work things out with him. I think what I am really afraid of is to be cheated again. Do you guys believe that once a cheater will always be a cheater? No. But, that said, some WSs do go on to reoffend - there is no "one size fits all" answer. More to the point - it seems YOU have trouble letting go of the cheating. He may never cheat again, but if his past cheating remains an obstacle in the R because you can't get beyond it, then there's really no point in staying. You will never trust him enough to enjoy the R fully, and he will always feel that. Eight years may be a long time - but then, staying now and finding out in three years time that your fears were correct will leave you with 11 years of history, and back at zero. History is a project in process - it's something one is always building, and can be built from scratch with someone new just as easily as an existing history can be augmented. The quantity of history doesn't matter - the quality does. If your history - or at least, the most recent part - is filled with fear and distrust, it doesn't count for much. You need to decide what you want out of your R, and to what extent you can get that with your BF. If he meets all your criteria apart from the trust issue, and you feel that the trust issue is of less significance than the good stuff you share, then it's worth getting some kind of R counselling and moving ahead with repairing and investing in the R. But if the cheating looms like a deal-breaker, and the trust issues are central to you, you'd probably be better moving on.
JAGeezer Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) My boyfriend cheated on me three years ago, I forgave him, but can't forget about it. Now, even after three years I can't get myself to trust him. What's worst is that now he has a new job that only requires us to see each other three times a week. I am tired of all the distrust, and I'm sure he is too. Although he swears from his mother's grave that he will never cheat again, but I don't really believe him. We have been together for 8 years now, we were seriously thinking about getting married three years ago, until he cheated on which, now we're back to zero. I am seriously thinking of leaving him and start fresh. Do you think I should leave him? or try to work things out. I asked some of my friends and they said that 8 years is long time to just throw away. They want want me to work things out with him. I think what I am really afraid of is to be cheated again. Do you guys believe that once a cheater will always be a cheater? I'm of two minds about it. "Once a cheater always a cheater" is too easy. For me, cheaters are like any other addict in a 12 Step Program. The fact that an alcoholic or addict is clean and sober doesn't cause them to stop being an alcoholic or addict. It simply means that they aren't using. They are what they are, and will remain so all their lives. The same way that the character flaw that led your BF to cheat will be a part of him all of his life. That's not to say that he can't get his sh*t together and keep it together. People do change. They can get into recovery and stay there all of their lives. But they'll always be a bigger risk than someone who's never cheated. They can "fall off the wagon" tomorrow, or a year from now, or ten years from now. Is he worth the risk? I can't say. I don't know the man. Only you do. In my own life, I wouldn't trust someone who cheated on me. I made that mistake once. Never again. I don't even trust people who have cheated on others. They may be "clean and sober", but experience has taught me that if they screw up it can be cataclysmic. The thing is, while eight years is a long time, a lifetime with someone whom you cannot trust is longer. Give it some thought. Don't listen to us, and don't listen to friends or family on this one. This choice is all yours, because you're the one who has to pay the piper if you bet on the wrong horse. What does your gut tell you? What do you want to do? JAG Edited May 21, 2010 by JAGeezer
confusedinkansas Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Once A Cheater ............. NO - Not true at all!!! Are their Serial Cheaters........You Betcha!!!! (My XMM happens to be one) As for the reference that it's like a drug addict:lmao: Sorry - that one just totally gets me. No 12 step program for me. No I won't "Fall off the wagon" if another man winks at me....... I will say this - Cheating is an adrenaline rush. But so is jumping out of an airplane & some people only do that once in their life & they are happy with that ONE time & never jump out of another airplane again. What you should try to decide is this - Is your relationship with your boyfriend WORTH trying to save? Do you still love him? Can you TRY get over it & move past it once & for all? If the answer to any is no then should probably consider movint on. Another thing to think about - Does he love you? AND Do you KNOW he loves you? (Many people believe that someone that cheats doesn't love the person they are in the relationship with - I disagree with that theory) Sounds to me like no matter what relationship you're in you won't trust again. Perhaps speaking with a professional may help you to get past this. 3 years really is a long time to hold on to this. (Even if it were from a different source other than infidelity - It's still a long time)
Fight4Me Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I'm with confusedinkansas on this one. I don't agree with "once a cheater always a cheater," and I would even go so far as to say that some former cheaters are less likely to offend again because they remember the devastation and pain all too well, and develop strong personal boundaries to avoid it again. Of course, there are those who miss the high (adrenalin) of unfaithfulness and are more likely to be tempted to seek it out again. Not knowing your boyfriend or the exact situation, I can still say that it's apparent that you haven't fully dealt with the cheating. Maybe he didn't take full ownership of his actions or show a level of remorse that you needed for healing. Personally, just going off the info you've given, I would find a good therapist to help you sort this out in your head. Maybe there's a really good reason you can't get past this, or maybe you have unresolved issues that has held your heart back. Too many variables for us to say "leave him" or "don't throw away eight years." But I can say, don't do anything you could end up regretting some time down the road. If you make the break, you want to be able to do it knowing you know it's best, and the same goes for staying. By the way, there's no shame in saying, "this is an unresolvable deal breaker" and walking away. This is YOUR life. If you get married, it will be your CHILDREN'S lives, and so on. Get started on sorting it out now.
Owl Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I think you've got some solid advice all the way around so far. I don't buy the "once a cheater always a cheater" concept either. BUT...I do believe in "twice a cheater, always a cheater". Some people learn and change their ways after the first time...some don't. But OWoman made a great point in her post...regardless of whether or not he WILL cheat again...your trust has been destroyed, and it doesn't sound as though its being rebuilt. Some relationships can recover after cheating, some can't. If you can't rebuild trust, then you'll never be happy in this relationship. I'd suggest that you either tackle that problem head on, or end the relationship if its keeping you unhappy.
Steadfast Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I'd call a percentage. 95% perhaps? Maybe slightly higher? Ask yourself this; how many cheaters do you know that don't exhibit other less than endearing behavior patterns? Like entitlement, short temper, selfishness or generally unreasonable? Seems to me they all feed off each other, and although no one is perfect the attitude that houses all would have to change. How often have you seen that happen?
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 'Once a cheater' turns into an 'always a cheater' only if they are caught.
rewe4reel Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 My boyfriend cheated on me three years ago, I forgave him, but can't forget about it. You don't say the extent of his affair(s) but this is NOT uncommon. Once the trust has been broken, it can oftentimes never be repaired. Don't feel bad about this--your boyfriend certainly didn't care when he cheated on you. This is totally on him, not you. JAGeezer was cheated on 25 years ago. He hasn't forgotten either. Now, even after three years I can't get myself to trust him. Undoubtedly because his behavior in the past three years has simply not been sufficient to restore the trust. Again this is on him, not you. Your nagging feelings of lack of trust indicate he is probably still not trustworthy--not that there is anything "wrong" with how you feel. This does not mean he has actually continued to cheat on you. It DOES mean you feel he remains a potential future risk to cheat again. Trust your feelings. What's worst is that now he has a new job that only requires us to see each other three times a week. I am tired of all the distrust, and I'm sure he is too. Although he swears from his mother's grave that he will never cheat again, but I don't really believe him. Why should you believe him? In addition to his past history of lying to you and cheating on you, anyone who makes grandiose promises is just telling you what they think you want to hear. A more honest answer from your bf would have been: "Honey I will do my absolute best never to betray you again and I fully believe I never will but I realize based on my past behavior you are always going to feel that is a risk. You are right to feel that way, despite my best intentions. I am so sorry I did this to us, I am so sorry I did this to you." "Swearing on his mother's grave" indicates he is still just a liar. We have been together for 8 years now, we were seriously thinking about getting married three years ago, until he cheated on which, now we're back to zero. Right, the relationship had built up over five years to the brink of getting married, and he blew it all up for his affair. You have put eight good years into this; it is time to cut your losses and move on so you have an opportunity to be with someone who is trustworthy and appreciates your love. I am seriously thinking of leaving him and start fresh. Absolutely, 100% your best strategy. Leave him. Do you think I should leave him? Absolutely. Others on this thread may not but before you accept what is said at face value look into their posting histories to see if they are promoting an agenda or not. My agenda is "don't waste your life with someone who doesn't deserve you." or try to work things out. You tried. Obviously if you still don't trust him after three years he hasn't put the effort necessary into the relationship to allow you to trust him. This is his flaw, not yours. I asked some of my friends and they said that 8 years is long time to just throw away. Cut your losses. Now. The eight years is in the past and in investment terminology, is a "sunk cost" that cannot be recovered. Your friends are not necessarily going to tell you "dump the b*st*rd already" because they don't really want to be "responsible" for encouraging you to break off the relationship. Because if they do, and you decide you want to continue the relationship, they might be regarded as "enemies." Since I have no friendship with you, I am not concerned about this issue. They want want me to work things out with him. I think what I am really afraid of is to be cheated again. A) Who cares what your friends think about something like this? They don't have to live with what he did, you do. B) Of course you're afraid he will cheat again. Why wouldn't you be? He's a cheater. He's had three long years to rebuild your trust--if HE really WANTED to--and he hasn't. Show him the door. Do you guys believe that once a cheater will always be a cheater? Did he only cheat on you "once"? Was it a one night stand? Was it only one make out session? How do you even know for sure that there was only one "other person" involved? Five years is a long time (eight years total actually). You have no way of knowing whether he cheated on you BEFORE the time you know about. You don't owe this guy doodly-squat. You're not obligated to trust him. Listen to your gut, which is saying: "Don't trust him." Will he be a repeat cheater? That's not the real question you need to answer. The real question you need to answer is why you would bother to stick around to find out.
2sure Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 No. People change. But change in this case is only brought about by a major negative consequence to the behavior. Apologies, tears, verbal assaults dont change anything. It has to be life altering for them to gain the empathy required to understand all that their behavior represents. If when your partner cheated, there were great big huge consequences for him more than you - then sure, he may have really changed. If the hard stuff was all yours....I'd be worried too.
ADF Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 If you cannot forget, you shouldn't forgive. When you decide to forgiwe a major transgression like cheating, you obligate yourself to forget, to let it go at some point. You can't just keep it in your back pocket to pull out when you're angry, and you shouldn't carry a brutally painful memory in silence your whole life. Whether or not your BF cheats again or not seems irrelewant. The damage has been done, and it sounds like it can't be fixed.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Do you guys believe that once a cheater will always be a cheater? yup, wholeheartedly. Even if they never actually do the deed again, they, in my opinion, still would have the desire to. even if a cheater can change, I think it would be VERY rare, and since I don't believe I'll ever win the lottery, I don't play it.
MizFit Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I agree...no. However, I also feel that I could never regain the level of trust needed to give someone a second chance. Case in point, my exH. There were things I did that led to the M being vulnerable and he cheated. Not excusing him, but admitting I was an idiot about some things. I know he didn't cheat before...I know he wouldn't cheat again...I know he hasn't cheated on his current W, who was the OW. It is not his style, but I would have never been able to allow it to work, no matter what he did to make it right. He betrayed me in the grandest possible way...I could never forgive, I could never forget.
Author christina808 Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 I'm of two minds about it. "Once a cheater always a cheater" is too easy. For me, cheaters are like any other addict in a 12 Step Program. The fact that an alcoholic or addict is clean and sober doesn't cause them to stop being an alcoholic or addict. It simply means that they aren't using. They are what they are, and will remain so all their lives. The same way that the character flaw that led your BF to cheat will be a part of him all of his life. That's not to say that he can't get his sh*t together and keep it together. People do change. They can get into recovery and stay there all of their lives. But they'll always be a bigger risk than someone who's never cheated. They can "fall off the wagon" tomorrow, or a year from now, or ten years from now. Is he worth the risk? I can't say. I don't know the man. Only you do. In my own life, I wouldn't trust someone who cheated on me. I made that mistake once. Never again. I don't even trust people who have cheated on others. They may be "clean and sober", but experience has taught me that if they screw up it can be cataclysmic. The thing is, while eight years is a long time, a lifetime with someone whom you cannot trust is longer. Give it some thought. Don't listen to us, and don't listen to friends or family on this one. This choice is all yours, because you're the one who has to pay the piper if you bet on the wrong horse. What does your gut tell you? What do you want to do? JAG JAG, I can't thank you enough for your wise words. You really had me thinking there. You are right. Thank you for vocalizing my thought and my fears. To tell you the truth, I my heart was racing when I read your respond, especially when you said, "They are what they are, and will remain so all their lives. .." I have the same sentiment. I confronted him and told him that what he did says a lot about his character! He may be very apologetic now, but what about in a different situation, right? This really scare the hell out of me... I want to make a decision to forgive him, but I don't want him to go off the hook that easily. I want to set some rules and conditions to also protect myself from being cheated again, like- no lying at all cause, when he's out cellphones must be at all time, informing whereabouts all time, constant texting and updates... and some other stuff. I don't know if this is such a good idea, but I just want to regain the trust again in our R. I have this need to feel secure... this may sound immature and petty, but I really wanted him to make it up to me. Yes, I am guilty of punishing him and making his life a living hell. It makes me feel real bad, because I am not that kind of person. Deep inside I just want to breakdown and shout why he did it, but I'm really tired of crying... and I am getting exhausted of being angry, too. My heart is telling me to let go and forgive, because I still do love him, but I just want to satisfy my need to feel secure first. (deep sigh...) Thanks, JAG.
Author christina808 Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 Once A Cheater ............. NO - Not true at all!!! Cheating is an adrenaline rush. But so is jumping out of an airplane & some people only do that once in their life & they are happy with that ONE time & never jump out of another airplane again. I do hope so that this theory is true! because I can't bear to be cheated again, confusedinkansas. Yes, I still love him and yes, I feel and I believe that he loves me, too. That's why the cheating incident really shattered my beliefs about loving some. How can you cheat someone you love, right? There were instances that I was tempted to cheat, but I can't see myself doing it because it doesn't feel right. It's just so wrong. Yes, three years is a long time to hold a grudge. Its one of my flaws- holding a grudge, especially if that person who wronged me was very close to my heart. I badly yearn to let go of this and make a stand to trust again. I want to rebuild the trust in the relationship, but not without a price. I want to make certain rules to secure my emotions now. I think he deserves it.
Author christina808 Posted July 1, 2010 Author Posted July 1, 2010 I'm with confusedinkansas on this one. I don't agree with "once a cheater always a cheater," and I would even go so far as to say that some former cheaters are less likely to offend again because they remember the devastation and pain all too well, and develop strong personal boundaries to avoid it again. Of course, there are those who miss the high (adrenalin) of unfaithfulness and are more likely to be tempted to seek it out again. Not knowing your boyfriend or the exact situation, I can still say that it's apparent that you haven't fully dealt with the cheating. Maybe he didn't take full ownership of his actions or show a level of remorse that you needed for healing. Personally, just going off the info you've given, I would find a good therapist to help you sort this out in your head. Maybe there's a really good reason you can't get past this, or maybe you have unresolved issues that has held your heart back. Too many variables for us to say "leave him" or "don't throw away eight years." But I can say, don't do anything you could end up regretting some time down the road. If you make the break, you want to be able to do it knowing you know it's best, and the same goes for staying. By the way, there's no shame in saying, "this is an unresolvable deal breaker" and walking away. This is YOUR life. If you get married, it will be your CHILDREN'S lives, and so on. Get started on sorting it out now. Oh, I think he will remember the devastation all to well. Yes, I haven't fully dealt with the cheating, but I am really working on it because I am so exhausted that sometimes it made me think of just dropping it all out. But you know what's holding me on, aside from love? You said it- regret. I don't want to move out of the relationship without doing all the possibilities to save it. That's why I made some ground rules to "not make him forget about his cheating" and also to establish trust in the relationship again. It don't know if this is such a good idea, but it helps me sleep better at night.
aerogurl87 Posted July 1, 2010 Posted July 1, 2010 Once a cheater, always a cheater is not and I repeat, NOT always true! I cheated on my ex boyfriend once, never happened again. After I saw what he went through and the pain it caused him I never did it again. In fact I was willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to him and he knew it, but he couldn't handle it and ironically enough he cheated on me and left me for some other woman. But here come's the fun part. Even though he did that, I forgave him and basically pushed it out of my mind. For 6 months he had a clear open window of opportunity to give our relationship another go with the slate wiped completely clean, but he couldn't do it, so oh well. My point is, if you can forgive him and he's worked his butt off to show you through actions that he's willing to be faithful forevermore, at least try to forgive him. If you can't do both of yourselves a favour and just leave the relationship. My ex did and in hindsight it was for the best because we were both able to move on to other people and have a fresh start.
samsungxoxo Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 If I were you revenge would be my style.. seeing him suffer so I can happily smile but that's not you. OP why do you want to continue living your life with someone you don't trust and have to put all these rules? Yes you do love him but love doesn't have to hurt nor cause melodramas either. If you leave your relationship and start of with a new guy, you wouldn't have to keep dealing with this same issue over and over, year after year. If you are still willing to stay with him and not punish him (the way I would have) then make both of you start counseling sessions. Make you know all the reasons for his cheating.. he has to answer the why, where, what, who and how questions.
LauraPV Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I don't believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" simply because so many people cheat. Just look at these statistics: Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 57% Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 54% (http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html) What this says to me is that it's unfair to lump ALL cheaters together. People cheat for different reasons and I believe that some of these reasons are forgivable. Some of them are not. Some will do it again, some will not. You can't condemn over 50% of the population because of one bad, selfish act in their lives. We all do stupid, selfish things once in awhile. There are some that will cheat again. There are those that just don't care. Sociopaths, narcissists, people who think it's "their right" because the relationship was bad. Then there are the ones that are weak, that will do it over and over again even though they know it causes pain, simply because they can't help themselves. Only you know your boyfriend. None of us know him. Ask yourself, what kind of person is he? Does he have integrity (outside of his one transgression)? Is he a strong person? Is selfishness a character flaw of his or was it just a selfish act three years ago? If you still don't know, I would go into individual therapy to talk about the reasons why your boyfriend cheated and why you can't forgive him. It's possible that he is one of those cheaters that I mentioned above who will do it again that is why you can't trust him. It's possible that the problem lies within you and you just generally have trust issues. If it were me (which it is, actually, I'm in the same boat as you right now), I would let a professional help me figure it out. After several sessions with my therapist and my boyfriend, my therapist said that my boyfriend was sick. He has undiagnosed OCD and depression which caused his impulsiveness and need for validation. He said that it could only work if my boyfriend goes directly to a psychiatrist and gets on medication. So I made that the deal breaker and he went. We are going to continue to go to pre-marital therapy until he is on drugs that work for him. So you can see how a professional will help clarify what needs to happen in order for you to stay together. Only do this, however, if the relationship is important to YOU. Don't think about the time invested or what your friends are saying, think about the man. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Do you truly love the person he is? If he was willing to do anything to rebuild your trust, and he did whatever you asked, would it be enough? If the answer is "no" to any of these questions, move on. There is someone out there for you (probably also a cheater, according to statistics ) who is going to make you feel secure enough to have a healthy relationship.
Corporate Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I am seriously thinking of leaving him and start fresh. Do you think I should leave him? or try to work things out. I asked some of my friends and they said that 8 years is long time to just throw away. They want want me to work things out with him. I think what I am really afraid of is to be cheated again. Do you guys believe that once a cheater will always be a cheater? The only reasons someone should take back a cheater are: 1) The cheater is extremely remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes and however long it takes to repair the damages AND 2) There is a marriage and children involved. Thus, I think you made the wrong decision to take him back. If he is bored with you and cheated on you a few years into dating, what do you think he will do 15 years into a marriage with kids, chores, boring tasks, etc. involved?
Corporate Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I cheated on my ex boyfriend once, never happened again. After I saw what he went through and the pain it caused him I never did it again. In fact I was willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to him and he knew it, but he couldn't handle it and ironically enough he cheated on me and left me for some other woman. But here come's the fun part. Even though he did that, I forgave him and basically pushed it out of my mind. You forgave him for yourself and pushed it out of your mind to ease the destruction YOU have done. You knew that your cheating caused him to cheat.
jenifer1972 Posted July 2, 2010 Posted July 2, 2010 I think it is also important to consider whether he confessed ON HIS OWN, or whether he only owned up because he was CAUGHT. I personally wouldn't put much stock in what a cheater says if they own up only when caught. A cheetah can shave off its spots and look one color, but that doesn't mean the spots aren't 'lurking'...
driedout Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Dump him now because it will save you too much trouble. I break up with my no good ex fiancee. Thanks goodness I didn't marry that wench.
Joe Normal Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 There are people who used to cheat and then stopped cheating. Therefore not everyone who was a cheater will always be a cheater. However, I would say that a lot of people who cheat once will cheat again, and the large majority of those who cheat repeatedly will stay cheaters. It's all about the odds and people's behaviour. If someone cheated when they were 18, and now they are 38 and haven't cheated for 20 years, it's a bit silly to say they will "always" be a cheater. If someone is 50 and been cheating all their life, they probably won't change. It also depends on the reasons. For example, many people think it's justified revenge to cheat if they find they've been cheated on. That type of person wouldn't cheat if their partner had been faithful in the first place. As usual, you can't sum up something as complex as this with a neat one-line yes or no answer. Anyone who pretends otherwise is taking an unrealistically simplistic and distorted view of the world.
nvntr007 Posted July 9, 2010 Posted July 9, 2010 Oh, Woman. You are so wise. Thank you for your wisdom.
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