Unitedpeacocks Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 So I have been dating this girl for 2 years now.. we are doing long distance.. we see each other about once a month.. it has been working great. We are completely 130% in love.. I knew I loved her 2 weeks into it. and I have had my fair share of sexual and romantic interests. its not her beauty, its not the sex.. its her personality... we just click. however, we started going down hill randomly and couldn't seem to recover.. I essentially "gave up" on our relationship, and planned to end things when she got back in town. I didn't want to break up over the phone or skype. once i had given up, i allowed myself to get into situations where i could easily hook up with someone. I ended up sleeping with 2 different girls - on multiple occasions each. one of whom developed feelings for me , but i told her i wasnt ready for anything like that and it was over with her. however, when my gf got back in town, we talked about things and ended up working things out. we realized what the problems were in our relationship and how to fix them, and we had one of the best weeks ever together. she ended up going back to her home state, and about 2 weeks afterwards she found an email I had sent to one of the girls, and from there it unraveled.. sort of. i ended up telling her that I made out with one of the girls one night drunkenly at a bar. we broke up, but agreed to work on fixing things. i drove from minnesota to california-twice-in a 6 week period to fix things in person. we are getting much stronger. she asked me several times if that was all that happened and i told her yes, yes, yes. i told her the reason it happened is that i was blackout drunk.. i didn't mention i had written us off essentially. however, i am feeling very guilty, and in conversation tonight she dropped in the line, 'well if you had had sex with her we wouldn't be together'. however, she also at one point said to her friend 'it doesnt matter if he didn't sleep with her, its the matter that he cheated on me'. i am now torn.. this is about 8 weeks after the initial break up.. we are slowly getting stronger.. and we have the summer to work things out, we are together for 12 weeks. i know i cannot, in my conscience, marry a girl i have been lying to or kept this from. However, I know will never do anything again.. i haven't since we fixed things.. i know guys say this all the time "oh ill never do it again" but i know in my heart i won't. so base your advice on the assumption that i NEVER cheat again. do I wait for us to become stronger and essentially say "look, I want to marry you, and this is haunting me, i need to tell you what happened.. I had written us off,, i allowed things to happen i never should have.. " this doesn't change where we are now, or what has happened since we broke up and got back together.. it is just details of what happened before.. but i am afraid she will leave me now if i tell her it all now, would it be better to wait for us to get stronger and THEN tell her the truth? i feel like it would be easier then, and less chance of us breaking up.
phineas Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 You sound like my STBXW. After our first big fight in our marriage she went out & slept with someone because she convinced herself the marriage was over. But, she changed her mind afterword & decided not to tell me & stay with me & turn my life into a living hell by continuing to cheat. As soon as things start to get rocky you will cheat on your GF again. Just end it. People who love someone don't cheat on them. PERIOD. You know as soon as you tell her it's over. You also know your going to eventually tell her so do it now instead of dragging it out & hurting her more. don't be so selfish.
SoConfusledandHurt Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Have you ever been in a long term relationship? Im afraid the PP is right, you will cheat again when it becomes rocky in your marriage...relationships take A LOT of work and you will have ups and downs! Youve shown how you will deal. You need to really think about this...she deserves to know and then let her decide if she believes you or not...you need to do the right thing and tell her what happened!
reservoirdog1 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I don't know if you'll cheat again or not. But that's not really the point. The problem is that if your relationship continues and deepens, and you eventually get married, it's possible that (a) you'll be overcome with guilt and tell your GF the truth, or (b) she'll find out some other way that you actually DID sleep with those girls. And she will -- quite understandably -- feel as though her marriage has been a fraud, and that it was based on lies. I think you need to come clean with her and deal with the consequences, or break up with her.
sally4sara Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 If things where so bad that you gave up, why didn't you just tell her you were done and wanting to chase skirt? And if you're expecting her to move to where you are and you know she would not if she knew - you'd be a right jerk to let her upend her live and move in with you without being honest about this. If she finds out, she'll be alone in an unfamiliar place or have to move back home. Let her make a truly informed choice - especially because she said she wouldn't want to be with you IF. You already know you're taking up her time long distance on a false premise.
ADF Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 The most troubling thing about your story is your use of passie phrasing to describe your action. You just "end up" doing things, or things just "end up" happening. This suggests an inability or unwillingness to take responsibility for your actions. As much as you clearly like this woman, it doesn't sound to me like you're ready for marriage. I am afraid the first time your marriage undergoes significant stress--and marriages always do--you'll "end up" cheating again.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 If you don't respect her, and are completely selfish...then sure....keep it to yourself.
jnj express Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 OK --you were allegedly seperated, and thought you were over---so sleeping with others could be OK BUT, know that you have gotten back together---you NEED to tell her the truth. Since you were seperated, and if you talk it out, and if you agree to accept some boundaries, it might work out--- Right now, all YOU are doing is lying--as in I was only making out----YOU ARE CHEATING RIGHT NOW---by OMISSION
Woman In Blue Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 OK --you were allegedly seperated, and thought you were over---so sleeping with others could be OK LOL. They weren't "allegedly separated." The OP himself decided things were "coming to an end" (without consulting his girlfriend first) and used that as justification to go out and get laid. Plain and simple. Let's call a spade a spade. This is always the lamest excuse when people use it to justify bad behavior. "I thought our marriage/relationship was coming to an end," or "we had hit a rough spot." Oh brother. Own it and quit using lame excuses for it. Of course your girlfriend should know the truth, much as it may damage things forever. You sound like the type that will justify cheating whenever the urge hits you. What if she's sick for a long time and is unable to be intimate with you? Will that be your next excuse? What if she's pregnant and not physically capable of sex? Will that be your motivation to cheat the next time the mood hits you? I'll give you credit for feeling guilty, though. That I'll give you. Most guys are just thrilled when they get away with something and the last thing they think about is guilt.
Citizen Erased Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 If you loved her you wouldn't have screwed the first chick. The second means you're not even worthy of her ill informed attempts to retain a relationship with you. She probably suspects it anyway, hence the comment about "if you did sleep with her we wouldn't be together". The fact that you are attempting to rebuild a relationship on lies, a total lack of loyalty and a display of weak character on your part...yeah, it is NEVER going to work. And your character isn't weak because you cheated, before anyone jumps down my throat. It's because when faced with the opportunity to be a decent person and do the hard thing and own up to what you did to her and your relationship, you have lied again and again to save yourself. She doesn't deserve that. And it is also why you will do this again. Own what you did and you will then be worthy of working on your relationship, if she wants. Why is it you think she doesn't have the right to have all of the facts before she gets back into something with you? As it stands your continued lies are actually worse than the act of cheating in the first place. And that is why you will more than likely lose her. But that's what you get when you don't keep it in your pants.
SnakeBit Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I'm in a situation right now that I desperately want to have work out. We recently had babies, and I was told by the old lady about a million different things about her past and from VERY EARLY on in our relatinoship that wound up not being true, and it really, really has made things difficult on us. The saddest part about it is I'd never change a SINGLE thing now because I adore my babies and I wouldn't otherwise have them but-for this woman, but the feeling of having been lied to and trapped is almost unbearable, especially when the smallest fight arises. Its hell to dream about having your actual kids with someone who wouldn't feel the need to lie about everything and make you question anything she says or whether she truly loves you, because "if you really loved me all this time, you wouldn't have done it and then you wouldn't have lied, even when I've asked you a bunch of times over the years because I feel insecure about it." Yeah, its horrible, and yeah, you should tell her because she has a right to know now. Otherwise you are still a caring person, but you only care about yourself and wanting to be able to have your cake and eat it too. You think you can run around and then also have a life with the woman you want to settle down with, lying to her the whole time to keep her trapped in a web of lies?
FitChick Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 I think it's a mistake to burden your partner to relieve your own guilt. If things are back on track, let it go. Why hurt her even more? You now know what you are capable of doing and it sounds like you've been "scared straight." Not everyone who cheats once does it repeatedly. Some actually learn their lesson when they realize the cost. I say keep your mouth shut! The only problem would be if she knew that woman or if that woman tried to get revenge on you.
legallyblonde289 Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I think it's a mistake to burden your partner to relieve your own guilt. If things are back on track, let it go. Why hurt her even more? You now know what you are capable of doing and it sounds like you've been "scared straight." Not everyone who cheats once does it repeatedly. Some actually learn their lesson when they realize the cost. I say keep your mouth shut! The only problem would be if she knew that woman or if that woman tried to get revenge on you. its not a burdening her its telling her something she has a RIGHT to know, especially when she told him if he slept with her she wouldnt want to be with him. she has a right to know the type of person she's in a committed relationship with, even if he won't cheat again.
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I believe you can still love someone and cheat on them ONCE and never do it again...people make mistakes, regret them and learn.
Jersey Shortie Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Grow up OP. You bleeped and chucked two girls , not really treating those girls very nicely, and you did it while cheating on another. What is wrong with people today? Tell her. If your relationship is as strong as you think, then you two might be able to overcome this. Do not make choices for your partner under the guise of "but I will never do it again!" This is another weak justification that you are trying to rationalize to yourself so you can keep on getting what *you* need. That's not love. You might love your partner but by lying to her and omitting the truth, you aren't treating her with love. Your love right now is a selfish one. And that's not what love is about. Tell her the truth. Let her make her own choices. You do not have the right to take that away from her.
You Go Girl Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 We lie when we want to control another person. We lie when we want to take away from another person their right to make an informed decision. OP--let's imagine a future scenario. Your wife cheats, gets pregnant, you raise the kid. You never find out it's not yours. He loves the kid! She thinks to herself. Why should I burden him with my guilt? Why complicate things? I'll never do it again! Got a clue now as to what to do?
samsungxoxo Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Well sleeping with 2 women is not something you can easily walk away from. In this case, I have feeling that she'll eventually find out on her own so it's a loss/loss situation for you. I think you should confess before she finds out elsewhere and whatever the outcomes are, at least you faced the music. If she decides to break up with you, there are still other fishes in the tank that you can form a relationship with... why just her? You'll eventually love once again and learn not to cheat.
Reality Drip Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 You're already on shaky ground. Typically I'd advise to take the information to the grave. But I cheat all the time so that's just how I roll. Look, you cheated for a reason. Something isn't quite right. You have to decide if you only want to be with her because there was the inkling that you might LOSE her. It's the mentality that we all want what we can't have. Ask yourself and be honest. Let's be completely upfront; worst case scenario is you date someone that isn't hours away and you start over with a clean slate. Ever think how nice it would be to just have some time to figure things out on your own? Maybe she's thought about it too. Could reveal to the both of you later on just how much you care about each other and bring you back together. -Max
Dexter Morgan Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I believe you can still love someone and cheat on them ONCE and never do it again. maybe you could post your name and where you live....that way women will know who to stay away from.
Recommended Posts