Update and Wondering...

[Bubbles26]

So I wrote a month or so back and had just been pretty much walked out on. It was pretty crappy, and I went no contact...as much as I could. I have 2 children that really looked up to this guy so when my daughter asked to speak to him I would let her...she only wanted to call twice though, and I didnt get on either time.

 

So, 3 weeks go by from one of her phone calls, and out of no where I texted, asked if he wanted to come over, watch a movie, just out of the blue, and he immediately replied yes, that it sounded good, and that he misses me. He came over, we started a movie, cuddled up like it was nothing and out of nowhere it was passion central...I hadnt intended on a booty call, and it didnt feel like a booty call at all. Im not quite sure how we fell back but he came back over two nights later, and we had the best time. It was almost like we were in the beginning but somehow better, he stayed the night then we took the kids to the beach the next day.

 

We've hung out 4 times in the past week, one overnighter, once he took me and the kids to dinner, the other 2 we were just hanging out after work. I don't want to seem too eager so I just wait for him to initiate get togethers and texts, so Im guessing he's interested in me again?

 

We havent spoken at all about the breakup, just kindof fallen into a comfortable togetherness, he's never been good at expressing himself, and Im not sure where this is going.

 

I guess my question is, could he really be coming back around just for the sex or can this really be deeper? Its hard for me to tell when he doesnt say things, but it all feels real. Now, the sex has been quite amazing, but I also wonder if thats rekindled makeup sex? wtf I have no clue what Im even doing. Are they any guys on here that have been through this with a woman before? Could this be a doomed situation I should end now? Part of me has no problem with going on like we are with no label on it but the other part of me wants the reassurance that the breakup was a mistake. What does it seem like to you?

 

Sorry for the length, and any input or advice is appreciated. Even if you wanna call me a dummy =) Im not sure how to post a link to my prior post...

Edited May 21, 2010 by Bubbles26

[GrayClouds]

Your asking they wrong persons, you should be asking him this. And about the difficulties he has expressing himself, that is simple BS. Unless he can learn to say what is on his mind that this realtionship is doomed for failure even if you two get back together for it will be predicated upon you forever being able to GUESS what he wants and needs. Not to mention the fear of him just walking out again.

 

You need to have some expectation from this guy. You said you do not what to seem to eager but your have sleepovers...do you see the silliness in those two things? Unless he is committed to a relationship with you, yo should not even be giving him your friendship. I think it is time to flat out ask him his intentions, but I suspect your holding back because it is scary to do so for you may not get the answer you want.

 

If he does say he want a relationship then both you and him have to be will to work with a professional to learn some healthy communication skills. But the it seems like he really not that intreated for if he was he already be knocking your door down and asking you what he need to do to make things work.

 

I am sorry for your loss, but understand you deserve better, remember your children is watching this will pattern their realtionships on what they see. Make sur they are seeing a women who knows her worth and has high expectations on how a man should treat her and values herself enought not to put up with less. If that is not the case now, it may be time to find the person in yourself now rather then trying to persue a realtionship with someone who really is not interested.

[Bubbles26]

Im well aware I need to ask him, but dont think Im wrong for asking LS for their opinions, thank you. Im not a complete idiot and wouldnt get back together based on my GUESSING what he wants or needs. Before we "get back together" things would need to be discussed...I wont go blindly back into a relationship with him. I have no fears of him walking out again, as I dont plan to live with him again...at least not for a long time. And who's to say this is even going anywhere...

 

I do think Im avoiding bringing it up because I am scared of what he'll answer. But things are so easy right now, everyones getting along, everyones smiling. I feel like its too soon to get all emotional about things.

 

And how does having sleepovers make me seem eager? We're really enjoying the time we spend together...I think the 2 months apart may have made him realize how important our relationship was to him. But I dont know that, as we havent talked about an of it. But he's the one initiating dates...we're supposed to take the kids to an airshow this weekend.

 

And as far as my children are concerned, theyve always been my main priority. Ive been a single mother for the past 8 years, and my kids will be 9 and 10 this year. Ive done the best I can making sure they know and see my worth as a woman, and know how boys and girls should treat each other. They are very bright kids, and I get complimented all the time on how well rounded they are. Its been hard, but I think Im doing a good job. I dont involve them in my personal issues, so neither should you. Sorry if I seem defensive, but you seemed pretty accusational in your response Thanks for the input though.

Anyone else??

[hurtandheartbroken]

Since I've been here, I've noticed a pattern of automatic negativity and accusing by SOME people here to the original posters. Take the meat from the bones and toss the rest away I guess you can say.

 

My response to you would have been TOTALLY different if this was your first post with nothing to go by. HOWEVER, judging from your PAST POST of the incident? It's safe to say the above responder is going by that and isn't truly being accusatory. The LAST TIME, you guys broke up, got close again, slept together again and he pulled away even worse by your own posting. You were worried about how involved he was with the kids and it even got to the point where they missed him so much, they'd still call him.

 

He just upped and walked out on you, made you feel like a roommate/house keeper than a mate, even called you a "f-ing b*tch" when you simply asked for the passcode for the phone. So of course there is a concern there. It's easy to write the "goodies" going on when things appear to be going ok, no matter the nonchalance about him "staying or not" you're attempting to put out there. And yes, the past of how you're treated DOES indicate how the future can be. I see no change here beyond him slipping back in his role simply because you initiated and allowed it.

 

But yes, when you feel the time is right, you two will need to talk. YOU can say you don't care. Fine. My main concern is the kids...they missed him so much during that separation, I'd hate to see how joyful they are now he's back, taking you all out for "family like dinners" and then BOOM...he's gone again. I don't care how bright, well rounded, and intelligent they are, kids are VERY perceptive and you need to make sure you're not setting THEM up for another heartbreak.

 

So yes, you ARE involving your kids in your personal issues because he has become an extension in their lives. Do right by your kids and initiate the talk, if only for that. History repeats without change. So I wouldn't be shocked if he pulls the same mess he did last time, and pulls back even worse, but to find out for sure, just ask him.

[GrayClouds]

Im not a complete idiot and wouldnt get back together based on my GUESSING what he wants or needs. Before we "get back together" things would need to be discussed...I wont go blindly back into a relationship with him.

VS

We havent spoken at all about the breakup, just kind of fallen into a comfortable togetherness,

You are in a relationship with him, just one that you have not idea what it means or where it is going.

My bf of 2 years just walked out on me. Literally. I was getting ready for work march 27th and he looks at me and says, "babe, you know this isnt working? Im leaving, and have somewhere to go" I was blown away

VS

I have no fears of him walking out again, as I don't plan to live with him again...at least not for a long time. And who's to say this is even going anywhere...

Who is taking about living with this guy, it about future and further emotional involvement by you, and your children, in someone who is proven to be someone could just blows you away with a break-up. With behavior like that, t any reasonable person would have concerns for themselves and their children about such a person having any involvement in their lives. I am concern that you seem to be over looking that fact.

And how does having sleepovers make me seem eager?

Honestly you can not see how? Your giving this guy all of the rewards of being in a relationship with you, your friendship, company, and sex without him giving you any of the commitment you deserve to require for those things. What do you think the odd are if sex ends, so will the dates?

We're really enjoying the time we spend together...I think the 2 months apart may have made him realize how important our relationship was to him.

VS

It was passionate, more so than it had been in forever...it blew my mind, and for some reason I was convinced that that act had meant he still loves me. I am a grown woman and cannot rationalize why I had reverted back to my teens to even think something like that.

This just appears like a continuation of events, one that you already admit is not healthy and your trying to rationalize? It is that, you are trying to rationalize to give you hope that he still wants a relationship rather then require to committee to one.

But I dont know that, as we havent talked about an of it. But he's the one initiating dates...we're supposed to take the kids to an airshow this weekend.

I do think Im avoiding bringing it up because I am scared of what he'll answer. But things are so easy right now, everyones getting along, everyones smiling. I feel like its too soon to get all emotional about things.

VS

Im not a complete idiot and wouldnt get back together based on my GUESSING what he wants or needs

Do you not see that is exactly what you are doing? Your are guessing and trying to interpret his thoughts and wishes hoping they are the same as you. You had no idea in your mind what this guy was thinking when he walk out, and you still don't. How can one judge another intentions if you do not know what they are. One cant they are left guessing.

But my kids were never involved in those. I mean he took my daughter to a father daughter princess ball in feb...Ive never let anyone so close to my kids. And they, by the way, are handling this way better than I am. I think they enoy having just me again.

VS

I dont involve them in my personal issues, so neither should you.

I do not question your commitment to being a mother. I bring up children because you did. Blown away as you were by his walking out, with the sense of rejection you felt, and misguided questions about what you did wrong your children, even if it does not seem like it, experienced the same emotions. They are involve in your personal issues like it or not, just as they are regarding how you behave regarding the break-up.

 

They are watching to see what your will to compromise to try to get back together, and the level of commitment you require this guy or any other guy to shows their mother for him to get her love and time is paramount. As of this point, despite what I am sure is your best effort they have seen that men can just abandoned a relationship, then reappear without any real commitment or effective communicate their intentions.

 

My words my be sharp but they are not about criticizing but to help you to see how hard you are holding on to someone who has proven to you that he can not be counted on. My words are based on how strongly I believe you and your children deserves a great man in your lives.

 

I wish you well.

Edited May 21, 2010 by GrayClouds

[Bubbles26]

I want to thank everyone for their input and advice. I apologize for getting defensive in my second post ot this thread. I WAS doing exactly what I said I wasnt...clinging onto my own assumptions of how things were going. We did talk tonight, and its pretty much as you all said. I was falling back into the way things were, and really should have thought long and hard before I let someone capable of walking out on my family, further access to our lives. The relationship, or lack thereof, is over, and Ill have to figure out how things will work best for the kids. Im not keeping anyone from any contact, but I dont have anything else to say to him.

I feel duped...but I practically set myself up for it....geez....but again, thank you for the replies...I got lost in the moment, and it took some of the things you guys said to really help me see how clouded I was by possibilty. I learn from every mistake, and will not repeat this one ever again. I dont want my daughter to think this is the way she should be treated...and I feel like a piece of **** for exposed her to this =(

[GrayClouds]

There is no need to apologizes or beat yourself up. When we see something we worked hard at, put our faith in someone it is very difficult just to let go. It is a testimony to your intelligence that you were able to see yourself repeating a pattern as quickly as you did. In fact I was originally concern you were headed for months of this back and forth, so I very happy for you that you pulled yourself out of it so quickly. I suspect one of the reasons is because your are such a good mother.

 

Now is the time to heal. Going NC will be difficult though I would be concern how long he will want to be involve in the children life before he bolts on them. Specially if he when he gets a new girlfriend, most are not going like him hang around the ex, specially if the kids are not his. So, and I know you will be, be careful. Keep up the good work, be proud that your figured things out so quickly and be kind to yourself.

 

 

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Edited May 22, 2010 by GrayClouds