amz Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) Hey team, I have been doing some thinking about NC and how heaps of people "who have been hurt" go into hoping - It will make our ex miss us and re think about things. or.... - Help us get over it and move on. But what if the Dumper also went into no contact for the same reasons? So the Dumper and Dumpee both are in NC to get over it. The one thing i found the most interesting is that how can we love one another and then after the breakup we don't talk, we don't do anything....its over not even a friendship. You could of been best friends with that person but now its like you don't even know each other. The Dumper no matter what will always think "what we are doing now" when we put NC into play And the same for us. If the Dumper still has feelings "Or confused" and needed to get us out of there system then they would not contact us. But if they are over it and there are no feelings then they still talk to u,s we might get a email or a text saying "No hard feelings" or "Im sorry i hurt you" But when they don't talk to you thats a sign that they are also trying to get over you. Makes you wonder.... Any thoughts? Edited May 21, 2010 by amz
USMCHokie Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 You are forgetting one key point of NC that kind of makes much of those thoughts you've mentioned a moot point. When you are in NC, what your dumper does/thinks/feels is irrelevant.
USMCHokie Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 lol a moot point? moot = of no significance...irrelevant...
GrayClouds Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 The dumper is moving on and so should the dumpy. And the odds are greater that the any contact the dumpy has with the dumper will only remind the dumper why they dumped the dumpy. Even more important will leave the dumpy hurting by hoping that the dumper will change his mind about the dump who will not have to because the dumper will see that the dumpy is going to where. This giving the dumper the safety moving on at the dumpy's emotional expense with nothing to lose. So dumpy be kind to yourself and dump the dumper. Or in other words, do not try to out think NC after a break up just do it, for right now your thinking with emotions not logic which leads to hopeless rationalization not healthy reasoning.
teanoranges Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Oh the wonderful fairytale.. Its not that he's not thinking of me... its that he knows I went NC and he respects me and is waiting for me to contact him... because he loves me. We have to ask ourselves why we want this 'friendship' with our ex.. if you're a dumpee, I bet you 80% of the time its because with a friendship, there's still a chance to get back into the relationship versus no chance during no contact.. And once you're over your ex, feel free to contact and be friends... but most of the time people realize they don't want to be friends. Love isn't going to stop just from NC. If what you have is real love, it will find a way through NC without you having to do too much. So sit back, relax, and enjoy your life. Things find you.
DustySaltus Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Let me ask you this. If you got fired from a job and they didn't contact you, would you sit around and wonder why they don't contact you? No, they made a decision and all the time that you would spend thinking about what happened could've been spent looking for a new job. Sure, you can collect unemployment for a while but it's counterproductive. I hope you get what I'm saying.
northstar1 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 NC only truly works to heal if you stop trying to guess if the Dumper misses you, thinks about you, etc. The harsh truth is that unless they are going to break down your door like Jack Bauer and tell you they made a mistake and want you back at any cost, it Doesnt' Matter. In most cases, the Dumper adheres to NC because...........they no longer want to be with you and know that contact just prolongs the involvement in your life. It's not nice to think about, but it is mostly the truth. It is nice to think the Dumper sits around on their couch, listening to Coldplay, and wishing we'd contact them, but it does nothing to help us move on.
USMCHokie Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 In most cases, the Dumper adheres to NC because...........they no longer want to be with you and know that contact just prolongs the involvement in your life. It's not nice to think about, but it is mostly the truth. Another way to think about it is that dumpers aren't "doing NC," per se...instead, they've moved on and aren't even thinking about it as NC in the sense that we do...
northstar1 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Very good point ! I spent weeks wracking my brain how my ex, who only a short time ago talked of moving in together, our future, etc,, could now go without contacting me. I had to literally punch myself in the face one day and say "enough" - it doesn't matter why. It just is!
cdt76 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 So what does it mean when the Dumper checks up on me? She doesn't contact me directly but keeps track of me through social sites. I have fallen victim to writing things on there directed at her but other than that, there is no contact. I know I should put her completely out of my mind but it's the last bit of connection I have to something I loved so dearly. Ugh. One would think 10 months later, I'd have forgotten about her.
northstar1 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 It means she has enough curiosity to wonder what are up to , but not enough to want to come back to you. I often wonder what some of my ex's are up to, but I don't want to go back to them.
cdt76 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I spoke too soon. The mere mention of her name or the co-worker she is with brings up enough anger to choke me ! I want her and him to both die. Leave this planet or just die already.
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