Lost-n-confused Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Hi, havent been on in a long time... Wish I was just saying hi. My girlfriend and I have been together for little over 4 months now. I don't live with her but its not uncommon for me to spend 5 to 7 nights a week at her place. We are for the most part always together unless we are working. So my gf goes out with this guy last night for dinner and to chat. She tells me they met late around 11:30 and she didn't get home till around 6. She tells me they ended up eating and had a few drinks with the staff. She then went to his place and had a few drinks and chatted till she realized how late it was and went home. Now this guy is a client of hers and she tells me they are really good friends. She always wants to keep him around cause she like his up beat energy and he is a great business contact. She tried to date him but he never took things serious and a few times left her waiting for him. She explained how she would wait at his place and he would say ill be home soon and show up 5 hours later. She realized that what she wants is a serious relationship and he doesn't. Never the less they did fool around. We are at the point where we have both been std checked and obviously... We both love each other and express it very often. She has pictures of me all over her apartment and tell everyone about me and even as of the other day mailed photos of me to her family. She sends mail to my mom and flowers on mothers day, buys me stuffed animal that I love and would seem to be very much in love with me. She even cried when she found out I was accepted to be a Navy pilot. I even have a key to her apartment. Now he knows shes in a serious relationship with me. She has told me that he told her that his bed is always open to her if she ever gets tired of me. He often wants to hangout with her and wants to do ecstasy with her. She tells me that even thou she is curious she turns it down because she knows it will upset me. As of a week ago she told me he said hes going to give her a belated birthday gift. Which is a day at the spa and a shopping spree where she can buy a dress. Sounds expensive. Now I told her before when she told me she spend the night at his place because she drank to much and passed out at his place in his bathroom and just decided to sleep on the floor in the bathroom that I was uncomfortable about that. I told her I trust her and don't mind her having friends but if the situation was reversed I know she would be upset. She tells me I have nothing to worry about and she loves me. I don't want to come across as jealous and don't want to have that kind of relationship but last night disturbs me. I have to draw the line some place. She also told me everything without having to work it out of her. She appears to be completely honest and open as she tells me that she wants an open and honest relationship. She has yet to lie to me that I have known about. Does it sound like Im a fool? Am I getting played? Should I talk her and express my discomfort? (FYI, she used to have a gym partner that she had relations with and after I expressed my feelings on the subject a few weeks later she stopped going to the gym with him. Yet she told me he was getting annoying and didn't mention it was for me. If its make any different im 24, she is 26 and he is in his 30's and is very wealthy)
legallyblonde289 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 i dont know whether u should trust her or not but i think its verrrry disrespectful to u that she spent the night at someones house that she used to hook up with her and is spending that much time with him (w/o u there) im sure he at least tried to hook up w her i dont know if she did or not u might wanna tell her that u r not ok w her hanging out w him like that
OpenGL Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 i dont know whether u should trust her or not but i think its verrrry disrespectful to u that she spent the night at someones house that she used to hook up with her and is spending that much time with him (w/o u there) im sure he at least tried to hook up w her i dont know if she did or not u might wanna tell her that u r not ok w her hanging out w him like that legallyblonde289 You don't say?
legallyblonde289 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 what are you trying to insinuate, besides that you dont like abbreviations
2sunny Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 i'd dump her! and i'm a gal... she's willing to disrespect and disregard you. this isn't a gal that is considering you or your feelings in the big picture of dating you. tell her no more.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 if i was in your position i wouldn't trust the situation! this man obviously wants to sleep with ur gf! he even told her! he even tries to get her to do ecstasy with him... he thinks that will lead sex obviously! even buying her drinks is some sort of attempt...even the spa and dress!!! he is coming on very strong, i don't understand why she would even want to spend time with another man who wants to sleep with her when she is with you! i would absolutely tell her that this is an inappropriate relationship. if she truly loves you she will have no problem cutting out this d-bag from her life! if they slept together before then there is obviously physical attraction...i don't think its right to hang out with ppl who you are attracted to and have slept with in the past while you are in a committed relationship. i really hope she listens to you and respects your wishes...best of luck!
Skump Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) Now this guy is a client of hers and she tells me they are really good friends. She always wants to keep him around cause she like his up beat energy and he is a great business contact. She tried to date him but he never took things serious and a few times left her waiting for him. She explained how she would wait at his place and he would say ill be home soon and show up 5 hours later. She realized that what she wants is a serious relationship and he doesn't. Never the less they did fool around. A few times, huh? Brother, listen up: Any woman with an ounce of self respect would've kicked that sh*thead to the curb after the first time he stood her up. What you've got on your hands is a chick who's infatuated with unavailable men. You're in trouble. Now I told her before when she told me she spend the night at his place because she drank to much and passed out at his place in his bathroom and just decided to sleep on the floor in the bathroom that I was uncomfortable about that. Classy. Seriously, run Forest, run. This is an infant in a woman's body. Save yourself a mountain of grief and move on. Edited May 21, 2010 by Skump
FryFish Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 First... I am nearly CERTAIN I have seen this exact thread before And Second... She ****ed him from 230 am to 600am... Ya dude, drop this cheater.
SomewhatExperienced Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Mmmm, I have many platonic female friends that once were girls I was interested in, or still would be if they were single, but we still remain good friends and I never overstep my boundaries because I know they are taken. This guy MAY be like that but I agree with other posters that he's coming on pretty strong to her. I certainly wouldn't dump her, but I would DEFINITELY talk to her about this and how it makes you uncomfortable and how you feel it's inappropriate. If I were you I'd even make a list of all the points made here on this post, plus any others that you can think of, of each of this guy's behaviours and her's regarding him and read her this list. I think once you read this list, she can't reasonably accuse you of overreacting because anyone in their right mind would agree all these points are enough to raise concern. Everything considered I think this is one situation where you could reasonable ask her to stop seeing him as it makes you uncomfortable.
Green Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 How can you be ok with any of this. If my gf went out to dinner and got drunk and slept on some guys bathroom floor, a guy who she has a romantic past with... I would just say GOODBYE. No you can't trust your gf she has no boundaries. You also seem to lack boundaries as you seem to be confused if this kind of thing is OK. NO ITS NOT OK, ITS RUDE, AND YES SHE IS PROBABLY CHEATING ON YOU... EVEN IF SHES NOT CHEATING ON YOU I WOULD DUMP HER
JustJoe Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Dude, she was with him for six and a half hours, he is trying to get her in bed, and trying to get her to use drugs, and has already slept with her, and has issued an open invitation to continue . You are being played, big time.
sally4sara Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Dude, I'm a trusting person who doesn't demand all my mate's friends be of the same gender. I would still have issue with this situation. Who waits 5 hours outside of some inconsiderate and disrespectful jerk's home?!?!? She was IN to him something fierce! He has placed himself at odds with what she tells you is her agenda - her relationship with you. And she still makes sure you know she wants to keep in contact with him for more than business obligations. It would be a whole 'nuther thing if she only had professional and limited dealings with him but she isn't doing that. I'm not saying she has to have slept with him while being with you. But she clearly doesn't care how you feel about it enough.
2sunny Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 grow some balls and put your foot down. she's training you that you need to be cool with her cheating, hanging with a druggy and sleeping with him. if that's all good with you - then stay. if it's not then say so and leave. her behavior is a bottom dweller... why is that attractive to you and why are you willing to believe her words over the clear evidence and contradiction of her scummy behavior?
deebeechrisyo Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I agree, I think she's cheating. Get rid of her. Something I noted: you seem to know a lot about their relationship. She has been slowly friend-zoning you, chatting endlessly about their "friendship" while hanging out at his place until 6am. Not good! Next time (if you don't dump her) she brings up the guy, interrupt her right as she starts and say something like "I'm sure this is a cool story, hey let's go do...(change subject)". Another question, has her expressions of love started up recently? Usually when a girl is cheating, she will be very affectionate toward the boyfriend she is cheating on (ex. baking brownies, sending cards, saying I love you more than usual).
phineas Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 it's my experience that women who pull disappearing acts have another man. Whether their wives, fiancee's,GF's, potential GF's, or even "just a friend" Op's GF admitted she would waited on more than one occasion multiple hrs for this dude to show up at her house multiple times. OK. she must REALLY want his wang if she put up with that more than once. Then she spent the night with him & nothing happened? I don't care what she claimed really happened. Focus on the fact she choose to go back to this guys house late at night & stayed. My STBXW pulled this kind of crap when she was cheating on me. That's why she is my STBXW. The next woman who pulls anything like this is gone. I don't want or need a woman who thinks it's ok to spend the night at an ex's house. In fact, if I were the OP i'd be telling my GF exactly that as I gave her a box filled with all the crap she left at my place. It's best he learns to do this NOW because I can guarantee she will just do this again.
mansquito Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I have one rule when it comes to my partner's friends: they don't have to be my friends, but they absolutely must be friends of the relationship. It doesn't sound like this guy is a friend of the relationship. Tell her to bounce him. If she refuses or gets defensive, then bounce her.
Green Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Hey I'm sure you too have a lot of fun spending 5-7 nights a week togather. The fact is she is probably CHEATING ON YOU. Even if she isn't CHEATING ON YOU she still doesn't think much of you if she spends the night sleeping on the floor of some random dudes place in a drunken stooper... EXPECT MORE OF THE SAME IF YOU STAY WITH HER
VertexSquared Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 As Green said, it seems clear that this chick doesn't have too many boundaries, and it seems as if you do not, either. Put your foot down and start respecting yourself, here -- don't put up with this vacuous crap. Being passed out drunk on a floor that belongs to someone who wants to sleep with them = bad news. This chick is intentionally putting herself in a pretty risky situation. Even if she isn't "initiating" anything with this guy, it's not like she's going to hold back if he tries something. And, by the sound of it, it's likely that he already has at this point. The fact that she would wait hours for this guy also speaks volumes. Again, no boundaries. This guy's also trying to get her to take drugs? Eesh. I understand the impulse to hope that all the evidence doesn't mean anything -- that perhaps, despite all these signs, she's been faithful to you. Your gut is oftentimes correct in these situations... if it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, then it's probably a cheating girlfriend. Sleeping at an ex's house like this is very much indicative that she isn't empathizing with you at all here and doesn't respect you, and to me, this is worth dumping over *even if* no sexual activity took place (which is nevertheless wishful thinking in itself, most likely).
Green Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 As Green said, it seems clear that this chick doesn't have too many boundaries, and it seems as if you do not, either. Put your foot down and start respecting yourself, here -- don't put up with this vacuous crap. Being passed out drunk on a floor that belongs to someone who wants to sleep with them = bad news. This chick is intentionally putting herself in a pretty risky situation. Even if she isn't "initiating" anything with this guy, it's not like she's going to hold back if he tries something. And, by the sound of it, it's likely that he already has at this point. The fact that she would wait hours for this guy also speaks volumes. Again, no boundaries. This guy's also trying to get her to take drugs? Eesh. I understand the impulse to hope that all the evidence doesn't mean anything -- that perhaps, despite all these signs, she's been faithful to you. Your gut is oftentimes correct in these situations... if it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, then it's probably a cheating girlfriend. Sleeping at an ex's house like this is very much indicative that she isn't empathizing with you at all here and doesn't respect you, and to me, this is worth dumping over *even if* no sexual activity took place (which is nevertheless wishful thinking in itself, most likely). I just don't even understand how the OP let it get to this point... How can the OP even think of this as an issue of trust. I wonder does the OP do off things like spend the night drinking away at the house of a woman who is romanticaly interested in him.... I mean TRUST isn't even the issue at that point
sally4sara Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I have one rule when it comes to my partner's friends: they don't have to be my friends, but they absolutely must be friends of the relationship. It doesn't sound like this guy is a friend of the relationship. Tell her to bounce him. If she refuses or gets defensive, then bounce her. Golden advise. You're right on the mark with this mansquito!
Green Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Golden advise. You're right on the mark with this mansquito! Golden advise would be breaking up with her now. Seriously she should know better with out having to be told. She admits to wanting to do extasy with the guy but knew that would upset him yet passes out on the guys bathroom floor suposedly... Yeah dump her... and ask yourself why you would even allow this... do you yourself OP engage in similar behavior?
sally4sara Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Golden advise would be breaking up with her now. Seriously she should know better with out having to be told. She admits to wanting to do extasy with the guy but knew that would upset him yet passes out on the guys bathroom floor suposedly... Yeah dump her... and ask yourself why you would even allow this... do you yourself OP engage in similar behavior? Mansquito is talking about a standard one should have entering into any relationship. Not necessarily something THIS poster should start doing now in THIS relationship. I agree, it is probably a foregone conclusion. But he could always practice this mindset in his next relationship.
Author Lost-n-confused Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Long story short I called her... She understands my concern but she is not changing what she does. It is one of her two best friends and she greatly respects the guy an says they are like the same people.. She was acting all crazy talking like this guy is more important. I mentioned this and she said no but she has known me for 4 months and 3 years for him. So I suprised her at her place cause she seemed down. I wanted to give her a loving hug... She didn't seem suprised, happy or sad to see me. Hugged her and desided to stay over. She seemed void of emotion. She said she loved me and kissed me and cuddled but mentioned things like memory loss, confusion and that something was missing. She fell asleep in my arms and I moved to the couch and I started to think did she use X last night? I couldn't sleep so I went home. She called later upset that fell asleep with and says she rolled over to hold me and I was gone. We has depressing arguement at 4am...* Only thing I can say was she has been on her period and in the peak of it as well as being sleep deprived. So maybe she didn't do X... Maybe she didn't mean the things she said. After her cycle she may come back to me appologize. Periods can be confusing times. Reguardless I'm going to tell either tonight or after her period ends that if we want to have a serious relationship we need to set bounderies. I have no idea if I should question her about X. She mentioned drinking and smoking grass which I don't care about to much. I don't want to accuse her of X thou. Spoke to her this morning and she was abit cold. I said I love you and muah and she didn't say it back. A few hours later I got a text from her telling me she loves me. I replyed that I love her too. We just celebrated our 4th month and thing have been very passionate lately. Now this whole thing has me questioning her, our relationship... How do I know if I can trust her word? I love her and don't want to leave her I want to give her a chance. I want to give it a chance it's been very serious. I'm like the center of her life right now.
Star Gazer Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 She has told me that he told her that his bed is always open to her if she ever gets tired of me. He often wants to hangout with her and wants to do ecstasy with her. She tells me that even thou she is curious she turns it down because she knows it will upset me. As of a week ago she told me he said hes going to give her a belated birthday gift. Which is a day at the spa and a shopping spree where she can buy a dress. Sounds expensive. I have no clue why she'd tell you that a guy she was into, dated, and fooled around with, said these things to her DURING YOUR relationship with her. I can only think of two reasons: (1) She's trying to incite jealousy, or (2) she's trying to give you a red flag. Either reason is reason to terminate this relationship, IMHO. Further, if any "friend" of mine told me these things, he'd no longer be a friend of mine, as his intentions cross the reasonable boundaries created by my relationship and are flatly disrespectful to my relationship.
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