ending it without telling him

[janden]

I haven't posted here in quite a while. Long story short I've been on the ending rollercoaster since my A began over a year ago. I was "dumped" briefly, without explanation, only to take the bait when he came fishing.

 

I tried doing the "friends" thing, and well, we all know how long staying just friends lasted.

 

I have absolutely no willpower to stop engaging with him. I am however becoming quite tired of this whole saga. I'm tired of being treated like a "convenience", of being hung up on, of being disappointed.

 

For complicated reasons involving TMI, ending a relationship on a bitter note and not explaining to the other person that it is over is almost nearly impossible for me to do. I know when he did that to me, I was constantly questioning myself and what I had done wrong to make him disappear.

 

I guess my real question is, how many have ended by telling the OP and how many just simply stopped responding never to tell them why. And how do I find the resolve to do just that?

[fooled once]

I haven't posted here in quite a while. Long story short I've been on the ending rollercoaster since my A began over a year ago. I was "dumped" briefly, without explanation, only to take the bait when he came fishing.

 

I tried doing the "friends" thing, and well, we all know how long staying just friends lasted.

 

I have absolutely no willpower to stop engaging with him. I am however becoming quite tired of this whole saga. I'm tired of being treated like a "convenience", of being hung up on, of being disappointed.

 

For complicated reasons involving TMI, ending a relationship on a bitter note and not explaining to the other person that it is over is almost nearly impossible for me to do. I know when he did that to me, I was constantly questioning myself and what I had done wrong to make him disappear.

 

I guess my real question is, how many have ended by telling the OP and how many just simply stopped responding never to tell them why. And how do I find the resolve to do just that?

 

In my view, you only want to tell him so that he will try to talk you out of it, thereby feeding your ego and giving you an excuse to continue the contact/affair, even though you imply that isn't what you want.

 

I don't understand when people say they "can't" do something. The accurate word, IMHO, is won't. We can control ourselves, we can make independent decisions. We can also choose to NOT control ourselves and NOT have independent decisions.

 

I think by stopping talking to him, responding to him - he will get the message that you are done.

 

Or simply send a note / text saying "I am done - do not contact me ever again or I will tell your wife". That would end it. It doesn't have to be bitter, it has to be matter of fact. I am divorced from my 1st husband/the father of my child - it wasn't bitter, it was matter of fact.

[2sunny]

no reason to give him any explanation - he knows he's married = that is reason enough.

 

no response is a response - and it should suffice. he will get the idea that you don't intend to participate any longer. that's exactly what you do when this is your intention.

[Mombot]

If you decide simply not to deal, ignore all calls, emails, texts, that is reply. You don't have to tell them it's over, orf threaten to tell his wife. You can simply go no contact.

 

Find a lot to do and go for it then.

[jthorne]

Yep. You don't owe him an explanation.

[janden]

I will be perfectly honest - I have continued to engage and "settle" in this affair because I wasn't ready to end it. I have in fact, dug my own grave, so to speak. I could have probably been one of the (very) few OW who would have been (relatively) fine staying that way, had he met me halfway. But because my expectations were so low, I got almost nothing in return. I should have set my boundaries from the get-go. I can't change the rules now in the middle of the game....

 

It sounds so simple to just let silence say it all. But I find it excruciatingly difficult. Probably yes, because on some level, I DON'T want it to be over. But I also don't want the situation as it is now. I'm not even talking about him leaving/divorcing. I'm simply talking about consideration with phone calls, asking how I am, making time-REAL TIME-to see me, to actually WANT to see me. How much less could I have asked for????? And I already know the answer - I asked for/expected nothing and that's what I've gotten.

 

I guess I should make a list - why I should stay or why I should go and see which list would win. It wouldn't be hard to figure out which would be the shorter list, I just keep thinking that I really can handle this.

 

I do know with every meltdown I have, it's one more nail in the coffin. I feel indifference creeping in - that's actually a good thing. And I also will admit I want to be the one to end it - to have the upper hand as I was already dumped once without explanation. It's not a tit-for-tat thing - I'm not trying to deliberately hurt him. I've even explained to him my feelings about ending relationships and that when this is over I want us to do it with as much dignity and as little drama as you can possibly have in these types of situations.

 

But I know my weak spots, and I know that total NC is the only thing that is going to work. In the past week alone I have tried to have the "ending" conversation 3 times. And I couldn't even get it started.

 

Two years ago I would have never guessed one man could make me so weak.

 

Thank you for your replies. I'm on the right path, but I keep taking detours so I have turned back to LS to get me turned back around and headed in the right direction.

[carhill]

OP, try black hole NC for a month and then post back here with how you feel. I note you post irregularly so that kind of method might work for you. We do care. I know how hard NC is when you love someone. You can do it

[jwi71]

I just keep thinking that I really can handle this.

 

If any R degenerates to this its over. Period.

There is nothing left to say.

Time to go...just move on.

[janden]

You're right Carhill, I have posted very little, but I read constantly. Never felt I had much to offer since I can't seem to straighten my own messes out let alone advise anyone else! Plus I've been too busy trying to morph myself into the perfect, happy other woman. I was even successful on occasion.

 

And as I admitted, on some level I don't want this to end, but I am on a road to nowhere and as the old song goes, we can't always get what we want. I just have to accept that what I want isn't really what I need, and this situation certainly isn't good for me, as has been proven to me as of late.

 

As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow morning, my phone will ring. And I also know that if manage to find my hidden strength to ignore him that life will go on and the sun will continue to rise in the days to follow even if I don't have him to share it with. And eventually he'll get the hint and my phone won't ring anymore and maybe it's the silence I dread the most.

 

But eventually, hopefully, I will welcome it.

[wheelwright]

You're right Carhill, I have posted very little, but I read constantly. Never felt I had much to offer since I can't seem to straighten my own messes out let alone advise anyone else! Plus I've been too busy trying to morph myself into the perfect, happy other woman. I was even successful on occasion.

 

And as I admitted, on some level I don't want this to end, but I am on a road to nowhere and as the old song goes, we can't always get what we want. I just have to accept that what I want isn't really what I need, and this situation certainly isn't good for me, as has been proven to me as of late.

 

As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow morning, my phone will ring. And I also know that if manage to find my hidden strength to ignore him that life will go on and the sun will continue to rise in the days to follow even if I don't have him to share it with. And eventually he'll get the hint and my phone won't ring anymore and maybe it's the silence I dread the most.

 

But eventually, hopefully, I will welcome it.

 

This idea and these responses confuse me. Why wouldn't you tell him, then proceed to ignore him? Either way you have to be strong, but with giving him closure you are being more decent to him.

 

I find this attitude heartless and lacking in empathy. And wierd.

 

I always say goodbye to people when I leave somewhere, and dislike it if others don't. If you can't do it in person, do it by text.

 

Good luck in doing it anyway. It will make it easier if you tell the plan - you'll have fewer attempts from him to be in touch.

[skywriter]

I know my weak spots, and I know that total NC is the only thing that is going to work

 

Then do what works best for you. You know now that you, have to look out for you in this A.

 

It's sad to say, but given all you've posted, like myself, you would do well by yourself just ending it with a quiet dignity.

 

I did this and I've backslid on the NC, only to regret it. He came to my place, it was good to see him, however, it took me back to point A. Not to mention, he let me down, yet again.

 

I've deleted him from my contacts, gotten rid of all pictures, any reminders, it's over, and there's no need in kicking the dead horse anymore.

 

Good luck.

[Patrice]

I had a similar situation with an EA which never got to the PA part. Unfortunately, I was on a political blog site and he was switching screennames to keep tabs on me. I had to stop participating on the blog as I got used to the lengths he would go to to try and engage me. The man ended up e-mailing me several months after I ended it and tried the same tactics again .. wanted me to fly down to meet him etc. I didn't go, ended my participation on the political forum etc.

 

You will heal and move on .. they will reel you in and hurt you time after time. These people make you question your worth and try to get you to rationalize why it would be okay to pursue a relationship with someone who is committed to someone else.

 

Be strong, stay NC ... remember, you filled a need for them and that need is still unfulfilled. If this person wants to be with you, they should do so on the up and up.

 

You will heal, take back your respect and your power - but, you need the grace of time and distance to do that.

[janden]

I ignored several calls but I admit I regretted it soon after but I knew if had talked to him, he would have talked me out of it or I wouldn't have even gotten the speech started.

 

I felt horrible (I know I shouldn't, but I do) because I felt childish doing it like this. And cruel. Even though I have received this same treatment.

 

I left a couple of messages explaining my reasoning with an offer to speak to him if he wanted so I could further explain.

 

But all there is is silence. I know one day that I will look back and be so glad for this silence. It just isn't today.

 

Thank you all for your reponses.

[scatterd]

I would tell his wife somehow with out him knowing its you Im married and suspect my husband is cheating he pulls me in and out to but I dont have proof.He would leave you alone or she will leave he sounds so much like my husband.Its all about him.Good luck stay away You dont want to be where I am its just as bad.

Good Luck

[seren]

Not giving OW closure was one of the things me and H argued most about after D Day. I thought it cruel, as I would in any relationship between people who have shared time, emotions and dreams. Without closure the R is still hanging somewhere with all the WTF questions still to be answered.

 

I don't know your story, perhaps it is easier for you, or that you think it is the right thing to do. Closure allows people to move forward, but of course you know that (not wishing to patronise). Whatever works for you and doesn't bite you in the arse in the future.

[janden]

Not giving OW closure was one of the things me and H argued most about after D Day. I thought it cruel, as I would in any relationship between people who have shared time, emotions and dreams. Without closure the R is still hanging somewhere with all the WTF questions still to be answered.

 

I don't know your story, perhaps it is easier for you, or that you think it is the right thing to do. Closure allows people to move forward, but of course you know that (not wishing to patronise). Whatever works for you and doesn't bite you in the arse in the future.

 

He just disappeared on me several months ago without any explanation whatsoever and I was an absolute mess not knowing what had gone wrong. Just when I was starting to take a few baby steps forward he came back - or I should say I LET him come back. And the rollercoaster started again. I've tried a few times since then to half-heartedly end it, but I've always let him keeping me hanging on.

 

It's just finally caught up to me and it's been wrecking havoc on me physically and emotionally. He hasn't always treated me very kindly but somehow I just can't bring myself to be deliberately cruel to him.

 

I did leave him a couple VM explaining what I was doing and why. Part of me, a very small part, hoped he would call to see if we could work things out. I knew in my gut he wouldn't, and I know in my head it's for the best. He doesn't care enough to call. Something else I've always known, I just needed to admit it to myself.

 

I don't want to be a part of deceiving anyone else anymore - myself included. Even though I know this A was wrong on so many levels, it doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt to end it when you've come to care about someone so much especially when you've given everything you have to give to someone.

[Patrice]

How's it going? Believe me, he will try and contact you again. What I found was that when their ego is taking a hit, they need to get it stroked. They will return to see if you will comply ... do not bite. The same pattern ensues and more hurt and more feelings of betrayal.