Arasae Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I think I may be guilty of being too judgmental here.. what do you think? My first date with a guy is tonight--initially, he asked me for suggestions as to where I'd like to grab dinner. He then made a big deal that he didn't like women who never made decisions in regard to dates, that he liked decisive women, that he didn't like people who expected him to be "the man" and make all the decisions. So, I asked if he liked sushi--he said it was fun to snack on, but he needed something more meaty or substancial. So I suggested a Sushi steak house that I really like, close to home, that has some really tasty non-fish related entrees as well. Best of both worlds, right? What does he do? Sends me a text saying, "I made reservations tonight at so-and-so at seven downtown, is that okay?" It's mediterranean food. Now, normally, I'm down to try anything and am fairly amicable when it comes to dates (I love variety), but he didn't even ask me if I like that stuff before making a reservation--I don't. Never have. I find it bland. And the fact that he made SUCH a big deal about me, as a woman, making decisions, and then to not even ask me what kind of food I even like??? UGH! It just seems so thoughtless! On top of that, I mentioned that I really appreciate certain chivalrous things--like doors being held open for me and chairs pulled out. Nothing fancy, and I don't expect it, I just think it's nice and shows a certain level of respect. Then he goes on a rant about how he "really respects women who can take care of themselves", and that opening car doors for women seems silly, that most of chivalry is false, and that he wants "someone who is self-sufficient, and not stuck up about being a woman." "There are many more important ways to show a woman respect than pushing in a chair (which in fact seems a bit demeaning to me, as if she couldn't do it herself)." The first half of this I agree with, but the rest?? I don't know. This is so stupid. Am I just being an overly judgmental jerk, or do I have a right to my annoyance?
Cracker Jack Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Are you being judgemental? No way. He sounds like a whiner to me--and someone who contradicts himself, also. Holding the door for a woman and pulling out the chair hardly implies the woman "cannot" handle things on her own. That's just silly. I hope the date goes well for you, though.
2sure Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 He is telling you right up front not to expect any traditionally gentlemanly behavior from him (regardless of how he verbally justifies it). Before a first date! He is also showing you that although he does not care for indecision, he apparently is not happy with someone else's .AND barring food allergies, when an invitation to dinner is accepted - its up to the inviter to pick the place especially on a first date. What he did was say whatdoyouwannado? Yuck. Has nothing to do with a man having to make all the decisions. Its just a matter of invite me or dont. Can't he manage even that much responsibility? See how it goes, dont pay for a thing.
sally4sara Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Neither of you are wrong. Just maybe incompatible or struggling to communicate well.
sagetalk Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I can't even believe you're still talking about this guy, logically I can't believe that is, not actually. He's obviously worked some physical/sexual attraction magic or you'd have said bye right from the beginning. The fact that nowhere in this post do you mention, "how should I tell him I just want to be friends", tells me you're sexually attracted to him. What you have to figure out is, is this attraction worth him treating you like this? I hope the answer is no, but it's up to you. It's your life, he's not going to change.
Left in a Lurch Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I think you should text him back, "No. I told you where we were going and that is where we will go, I do not like controlling men. Do not be late either and please be ready to discuss something other than your work tonight because I hate that."
carhill Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Oh, the joys of modern dating. OP, not divorced yet but I've dated a bit. No 'connections' but it's really not that hard. Like someone else said, you're likely incompatible. My 'first' date since separating resulted from a phone call where I asked, 'hey, do you like sushi?' She did, so I suggested a place I knew that was convenient to both of us. Turned out she had eaten there before and liked it too. We had lunch and some wine/saki. It was a good first date, how I envision a good date to be. It's not hard. Drama is unhealthy for me, so I don't participate in that kind of back and forth. Hope it works out for you
Rorschach Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 He sounds like a jerk to me. So even if he's a nice enough person and not completely off the wall I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be annoyed. For the record chivalry is not at all pointless, damn I get pissed off when I hear people say that. Its always some dumbass guy who is basically saying 'I don't want to go out of my way to help you because I'm so damn self absorbed'
Twenty-ten Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I think you should text him back, "No. I told you where we were going and that is where we will go, I do not like controlling men. Do not be late either and please be ready to discuss something other than your work tonight because I hate that." Brilliant! I am with the rest who are wondering why in the WORLD are you still talking to this useless parasite. YUCK what a LOSER. No wonder he's single! Ditch the zero.
Author Arasae Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Oh good. So I'm not just being paranoid. I don't know, I just don't want punish someone based on the mistakes of guys of my past, so I'm pretty cautious. I'm trying to decide if I want to cancel or not tonight.. my mom was supposed to come home from the nursing home, but now some bad complications just arose, so I'm already in a bad mood. I feel bad for cancelling though.. I don't want to be a flake, but at the same time, I don't want to waste his money.
Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 "someone who is self-sufficient, and not stuck up about being a woman." I'd next him on that alone.
dressing up Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 He sounds like he has a chip on the shoulder and needs to articulate what he wants a woman to be like. No problem with knowing what kind of a person you like but the way he puts them across is not quite palatable.
stepka Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 He was getting on my nerves just reading about him. It's not a good sign if he's driving you crazy before the first date. And I agree with carhill--mom comes first.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 22, 2010 Posted May 22, 2010 He then made a big deal that he didn't like women who never made decisions in regard to dates, that he liked decisive women, that he didn't like people who expected him to be "the man" and make all the decisions. So, I asked if he liked sushi--he said it was fun to snack on, but he needed something more meaty or substancial. So I suggested a Sushi steak house that I really like, close to home, that has some really tasty non-fish related entrees as well. Best of both worlds, right? What does he do? Sends me a text saying, "I made reservations tonight at so-and-so at seven downtown, is that okay?" It's mediterranean food. Now, normally, I'm down to try anything and am fairly amicable when it comes to dates (I love variety), but he didn't even ask me if I like that stuff before making a reservation--I don't. Never have. I find it bland. And the fact that he made SUCH a big deal about me, as a woman, making decisions, and then to not even ask me what kind of food I even like??? UGH! It just seems so thoughtless! I don't know. This is so stupid. Am I just being an overly judgmental jerk, or do I have a right to my annoyance? So what does mediterranean food have to do with any of this story? Had I been the one to ask you out, would I be responsible for asking if you like burgers, or steak, or seafood, or Olive Garden? I mean, IF a guy asks: "would you like to go to dinner with me on Tuesday night?" You have every right to say: "well, maybe, but where???" at that point. IF, however, you respond: "yes" (without qualifying it) then he is mostly free to choose a location. IF you are nine years of age, and his mom is making Spaghetti-O's that night, he does not owe you an itemized list of the courses on the menu. Furthermore, when he said: "is that okay?" (about dinner) THAT was your time to tell him that it wasn't "okay". You don't get any added points for telling us about it. So as of this moment, you gooooooooooooooo to the dinner at the Med. place... and even if it is your date from hell, you shoulder the blame for at least 50% of that outcome upon looking back from the future while sharing the story with your youngest daughter upon the occasion of her 24th birthday.
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