1StepBack Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Hi everyone. I need your thoughts and advice. Last night I broke up with my boyfriend of six months. He wants me to give him a second chance but I don't think I should. I ended our relationship because of his lack of trust. His constant suspicion is hurtful and unhealthy. I never did anything to betray him. His fears are based on other people (ex-girlfriends and ex-friends). I understand the reason behind his insecurities but that does not excuse his behavior towards me. He claims to trust me yet he keeps checking out my social pages and 'interrogating' me. He has also become very controlling and possessive. He's aware of all this and he wants to better himself which is great but I don't think we should be in a committed relationship until he's ready to trust me completely. What do you think? Here's part of an email he sent me: "I really don't want to lose you. What do you say we resume our relationship to where we were before these circumstances happened and continue on but this time without the distrust." He's desperate to get me back. He clearly does not want us to be over. I just don't think he can give me his trust that easily. He'll probably end up pretending to trust me again. Fake it until you make it. Sigh. What should I do? I don't want us to be over forever. I'm still hopeful.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 He has also become very controlling and possessive. this part of your story concerns me!!! this could be a red flag that he may become abusive. remember, abuse in relationships is not always physical! i would suggest if the both of you truly love each other and believe that you want to spend the rest of your lives together you should only get back together if he agrees to couples counseling. his trust issues seem like they will only be improved by professional help. if he refuses i would cut your losses and move on! you deserve someone who trusts you! don't settle for less! be strong
Author 1StepBack Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 BetterOffWithoutYou - Thanks so much for replying and for your concern. I appreciate it. His controlling and possessive behavior worries me too. I like and value my freedom. I'm not going to let him (or anyone else for that matter) put any restraints on it. I consider myself a pretty strong person. I've already laid down some ground rules within our relationship. He has gotten better and less clingy but now his distrust is the main problem in our love life. It's definitely going to be a tough one to improve on his part. Couples Therapy is not really an option for us at the moment. We can't afford it... thanks for the suggestion though.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 no problem! well i am a hopeless romantic at heart, and i do believe that true love conquers all. if it is meant to be you will work it out, being patient with his behavior is hard but if he changes it is worth it! best of luck in your situation! hope you end up happy no matter what happens!
GrayClouds Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 (edited) If he truly means what he says then his actions will reflect it. What actions has he done to show he trying to change. The only action I would trust if I was you would be him finding a professional and working on his issues. Anything less then that says he does not take his issues or you seriously It is actions not lovely words that communicate the truth . I want to be a rock star but wanting will not get me there, talking about it will not get me there. Actions like learning to carry a tune, reading music, getting a very popular but mind numbing hit show on Disney channel are all actions that will make these things possible. Demand action before even thinking about giving him a second chance. Edited May 21, 2010 by GrayClouds
GrayClouds Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Second thought....RUN FAST AND RAN FAR. do not even think about a second chance Here's part of an email he sent me: "I really don't want to lose you. What do you say we resume our relationship to where we were before these circumstances happened and continue on but this time without the distrust.". He calls his issues "these circumstances" which take no ownership in his behavior. He can not be trusted himself for he still not facing his problem.
Author 1StepBack Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 BetterOffWithoutYou - I think I'm both a hopeless romantic and a realist. I'm not sure if that makes any sense to you but sometimes I believe in destiny and other times I don't. Love is not enough in a relationship. It takes effort and patience and understanding and strength... the list goes on. I just don't know if this guy I have strong feelings for is worth it or not. Right now my heart thinks he is but my brain objects. I keep going back and forth. It's confusing and draining hence why I am here for some much needed feedback. GrayClouds - Hey there. Thanks for taking the time to reply. There are many times my brain has told me to just run but wouldn't that be taking the easy way out? This guy is not bad. He just has a lot of growing to do. I'm glad he's learning a lot from me but I've reached my exhaustion point and don't feel very happy with him anymore. I don't want to spend all my time helping 'fix' him. I want balance. I want to do some growing too. That's why I broke things off with him. So that I can take care of myself for once. But I don't really want to permanently end things. I still have hope. (I guess that would be my heart speaking.) Last night I asked him what he was going to do to better himself. Here's his reply: "I have in mind to train myself. I want to train my mind to not let bad thoughts take over. I'm also going to do more constructive activities. Pretty much, I'll work on myself and build myself up. I will teach myself to be stronger with trust." What are your thoughts on that? Are those good, effective actions to take or do you still think I should "run fast and run far?"
Norville_Rogers Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 You did the right thing. His controlling is unhealthy for your relationship. And I do understand how you feel in that I was with a girl who had bf cheat on her. So because of that I was the one who suffered. I got out of that relationship because I was never going to win no matter how faithfull I was to her.
GrayClouds Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Last night I asked him what he was going to do to better himself. Here's his reply: "I have in mind to train myself. I want to train my mind to not let bad thoughts take over. I'm also going to do more constructive activities. Pretty much, I'll work on myself and build myself up. I will teach myself to be stronger with trust." What are your thoughts on that? Are those good, effective actions to take or do you still think I should "run fast and run far?" I myself, when I read those words heard the voice of Peanut cartoon teacher WaWAwA. Those are just words not actions. It lacks any specifics such as books to help him understand why he has trust issue or talking to a professional to help learn healthier patterns of thinking. Jsut wanting to change is not enough. I suspect your right that deep down inside he is not a bad guy, but you will likely have to wait for a long time, if ever, for him to change. Possible the best thing you can do for him is to walk away so he sees the extent this issue is effecting him. Good luck
Author 1StepBack Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 GrayClouds - Haha. I used to watch that show and read the comics all the time. I know they are just words but I don't think they are empty because he really does want me back. He wants me to trust him again. I doubt he'll seek professional help because he's low on cash but I will suggest him to read a few helpful books. I'm sure he'll be up for it. I'm aware that this will be a long process. How long should I give him? I can't rush him. It obviously doesn't work that way. I don't know how long I am willing to wait. I'm hoping to see progress in the near future...
Author 1StepBack Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Norville_Rogers - I'm sorry your ex was not able to trust you. I really hope mine gets help so that he can free himself from all his negative thinking. Do you still speak to your ex today?
technician07 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 1StepBack, Your post eerily describes my ex. Basically all the problems we had stemmed from her insecurities from past relationships and her childhood experiences. She was never given any reason to believe I was ever unfaithful to her or anybody in my past. It started out as just not trusting basic things I told her and eventually got to the point where she was not only accusing me of cheating, but accusing me of cheating with her all of her best friends. The thing is, this started late in our relationship, after we were already engaged. I chose to break off the engagement because it got to be where the accusations dominated our entire relationship. We have tried many times to make it work again but sooner or later the accusations come back into the picture. Take it from someone who has dealt with this for the past 3+ years, it's not the type pf relationship you want to get stuck in. I agree with some of the other replies, unless he seeks professional help to work this out, it's probably better that you go your seperate ways.
enay Posted June 3, 2010 Posted June 3, 2010 RUN It sounds liek the relationship I am trapped in right now. I was reading this forum because i'm trying to build up the nerve to escape. iw as always very strong and independent but now he basically controls my life with his neediness...no threats or violence...jsut needing me so much he makes me feel bad for wanting to do my own things. It's not going to get better, your love will turn to something different...you may love him butyou will also resent him and be bitter. I love my bf but I also hate hima nd dislike it when i get a phone call or a text from him because it alwasy feels like he's checking up on me. you are strong and independent, stay that way.
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