They DO Leave

[2sure]

My dearest friend is signing D papers today. I was in her wedding 10 years ago. Her H had an affair and rather than end it gaslighted her until she had tangible proof. Rather than end it, he continued to deny, continued to want the marriage, begged , asked for sex, claimed love, etc etc etc - UP UNTIL TODAY. Meanwhile, he was able to convince the MOW to divorce her H and they have bought a house together. A great big expensive one. So, they DO leave . And on the surface it seems as though he has suffered no negative consequences.

 

But the OW does not know:

His personal debt is far far larger than it looks on the mortgage application papers.

His business has been running in the red.

She used her marriages entire savings as a deposit on the house. But put his name on it along with hers. He is leaving the marriage with exactly 5 grand.

He has never written a check, balanced a budget, paid a bill. He has (2) bankruptcies behind him.

He spends his entire income, leaving the wife to use hers for the bills.

He tells his as of today ex wife that he doesnt want to leave.

He has been telling OW that his wife has been holding up the D, but it is HER that filed and agreed to every single thing he asked for JUST TO CUT HER LOSSES.

I didnt speak to my friend for 5 years because her H hit on me every time I saw him. I thought it was me until she explained he does it to everyone. Just this one actually bit.

He is a control freak and will soon monitor and become suspicious of her phone calls, her job, her family.

 

None of the above will become evident for oh, about 2 years into it.

 

They have been having the affair for two years. Never spent so much as an entire weekend together, so there is no way she can expect any of this. He acts like a rich guy, acts like a romanitic fool....always at the beginning.

[jwi71]

My dearest friend is signing D papers today. I was in her wedding 10 years ago. Her H had an affair and rather than end it gaslighted her until she had tangible proof. Rather than end it, he continued to deny, continued to want the marriage, begged , asked for sex, claimed love, etc etc etc - UP UNTIL TODAY. Meanwhile, he was able to convince the MOW to divorce her H and they have bought a house together. A great big expensive one. So, they DO leave . And on the surface it seems as though he has suffered no negative consequences.

 

But the OW does not know:

His personal debt is far far larger than it looks on the mortgage application papers.

His business has been running in the red.

She used her marriages entire savings as a deposit on the house. But put his name on it along with hers. He is leaving the marriage with exactly 5 grand.

He has never written a check, balanced a budget, paid a bill. He has (2) bankruptcies behind him.

He spends his entire income, leaving the wife to use hers for the bills.

He tells his as of today ex wife that he doesnt want to leave.

He has been telling OW that his wife has been holding up the D, but it is HER that filed and agreed to every single thing he asked for JUST TO CUT HER LOSSES.

I didnt speak to my friend for 5 years because her H hit on me every time I saw him. I thought it was me until she explained he does it to everyone. Just this one actually bit.

He is a control freak and will soon monitor and become suspicious of her phone calls, her job, her family.

 

None of the above will become evident for oh, about 2 years into it.

 

They have been having the affair for two years. Never spent so much as an entire weekend together, so there is no way she can expect any of this. He acts like a rich guy, acts like a romanitic fool....always at the beginning.

 

Then HE didn't really leave...he got booted.

Maybe I should start asking some of those OW whose H "left" to see the D papers and verify who is the petitioner and who is the respondent.

[Mimolicious]

My dearest friend is signing D papers today. I was in her wedding 10 years ago. Her H had an affair and rather than end it gaslighted her until she had tangible proof. Rather than end it, he continued to deny, continued to want the marriage, begged , asked for sex, claimed love, etc etc etc - UP UNTIL TODAY. Meanwhile, he was able to convince the MOW to divorce her H and they have bought a house together. A great big expensive one. So, they DO leave . And on the surface it seems as though he has suffered no negative consequences.

 

But the OW does not know:

His personal debt is far far larger than it looks on the mortgage application papers.

His business has been running in the red.

She used her marriages entire savings as a deposit on the house. But put his name on it along with hers. He is leaving the marriage with exactly 5 grand.

He has never written a check, balanced a budget, paid a bill. He has (2) bankruptcies behind him.

He spends his entire income, leaving the wife to use hers for the bills.

He tells his as of today ex wife that he doesnt want to leave.

He has been telling OW that his wife has been holding up the D, but it is HER that filed and agreed to every single thing he asked for JUST TO CUT HER LOSSES.

I didnt speak to my friend for 5 years because her H hit on me every time I saw him. I thought it was me until she explained he does it to everyone. Just this one actually bit.

He is a control freak and will soon monitor and become suspicious of her phone calls, her job, her family.

 

None of the above will become evident for oh, about 2 years into it.

 

They have been having the affair for two years. Never spent so much as an entire weekend together, so there is no way she can expect any of this. He acts like a rich guy, acts like a romanitic fool....always at the beginning.

 

 

IS this my exH???? Where's that bastard!!??? LOL!

 

Honey, people get what they deserve. They think that the grass is greener but the water bill is just a tad bit higher!

 

You're friend is sucker-free now and the OW gets to live your friend's old life in not time.

 

They do leave... when they get booted like JW said. I def booted mine, or else...

[2sure]

Trough social circles I know for a fact that the OW has been told his D has been in process for like a year. It wasnt. And he dragged his feet at every opportunity. In fact, he has told my friend that he actually hopes one day to get back together with her. Just cannot conceive of not having both I guess. And this OW has been fed the whole my wife is crazy line.

 

I thought of telling her you know. But its too late anyway. Besides, unless he had someone else to go to he would never have left, would have dragged it on and on. Sad though, because my friend does love him still.

[ladydesigner]

How sad for any woman to end up with a man like that. What a f**king L-O-S-E-R.

[2sure]

OMG. Let me, while I'm at it just tell you about his powers of persuasion and manipulation. Now, you all know I am currently going through my own jaded and bitter period. I trust no one. I have not trusted or liked this man for years. Now I hate him.

 

I am over there just one week ago, offering my friend support. He asks to speak with me. I'm thinking he is going to ask me to help get her through this because she really is a mess.

 

NOPE. He gives me the whole: I'm not the bad guy here line.

 

Me. Like, why would he care what I think. Why would he even think for a moment he could convince me he isnt as ass?

 

He almost did. I mean, I could look at him and see that he actually believed himself. He was sincere. Selfish but sincere. I told my friend, man - he is good. Dont speak to him again. I took her to a hotel.

[ladydesigner]

He sounds like a true Narcissist and Sociopath. I had an ex-boyfriend who used to physically abuse me and even with my bruises visible he would try to convince people that he was actually a good guy:lmao:

[IfWishesWereHorses]

One thing you can be sure of... the man the OW is pining for is the exact same man the wife is married to.

 

I've seen this happen a few times in the last several years. In my cases the OW have all been younger. Some have even by now had children by these MM. They are all miserable, all dealing with the same thing the wife was (only add on young kid/s), all now financially dependent on a man who appeared to be well-off and want to shower them with the finest things. Now they can't afford the repairmen to fix their pre-used pools, hot tubs, boats, cars ect...

 

I've watch two come into being, the wives being friends of mine to some degree or another. I've secretly waited to see what would happen when the new W realized what their reality was. As a BS and a friend of their BS's I looked forward to it, but when it came to be, I felt sorry for them. Had lunch with one of the BS's and we talked about the new wife and her XH. We both felt sorry for the kid. The BS seems to be unbelievably happy and enjoying her life to the fullest, which the WH is supporting financially. The new W is at home with the baby while her H is jet setting around the world (entertaining one woman after the next) The new W/ xOW actually apologized to me and said that she hoped it didn't come between any friendship we might develop. I was able to very nicely say to her, that as a friend of XW that I knew exactly what she was going to face and that anytime she needed an ear, I'ld be happy to oblige. After her jaw hit the floor she started to tear up and hugged me and said she appreciated it!

[2sure]

From reading here, I know in my heart that this OW is probably not the monster my friend thinks she is. But friend is miles away from having that conversation.

 

I just got off the phone with her. They signed everything today. She is very sad. Makes my heart hurt.

 

BUT. She is mad too, which is good for the moment. After all being said and done, you know what she is most pis*sed about? THE LEAF BLOWER. He took it.

 

She is gonna be ok I think.

[Mimolicious]

Trough social circles I know for a fact that the OW has been told his D has been in process for like a year. It wasnt. And he dragged his feet at every opportunity. In fact, he has told my friend that he actually hopes one day to get back together with her. Just cannot conceive of not having both I guess. And this OW has been fed the whole my wife is crazy line.

 

I thought of telling her you know. But its too late anyway. Besides, unless he had someone else to go to he would never have left, would have dragged it on and on. Sad though, because my friend does love him still.

 

 

I swear this is the prick of my exH you are talking about.

[2sure]

Well, he WAS married once before. AND my friend was OW prior to becoming wife #2. Of course, he didnt explain it that way.

Hmmm...are in you in NY?

All of his wives will end up here eventually.

[jwi71]

From reading here, I know in my heart that this OW is probably not the monster my friend thinks she is. But friend is miles away from having that conversation.

 

I just got off the phone with her. They signed everything today. She is very sad. Makes my heart hurt.

 

BUT. She is mad too, which is good for the moment. After all being said and done, you know what she is most pis*sed about? THE LEAF BLOWER. He took it.

 

She is gonna be ok I think.

 

Tell your friend this...or even show her.

In my D, I lost at least several M in asset value (balance sheet) on businesses we owned overseas. I let them go. That was oddly easy.

 

Know what WE fought over the most?

The silverware.

 

Serious. Looking back, I'm like wth...how was cheap, crappy silverware (minus a spoon or two) a sticking point and my interest in the hotels not?

 

Anyways. I turned out ok. I think. Don't ask my xW - she still hates me.

 

In any case...arguing over stuff like...oh, leaf blowers, seems normal at the time.

 

FWIW.

[2sure]

Sigh. I have so much love for you all right now.

I think sometimes I am taking this harder than she is. I grew up with her. She was always the stable, true, smart one. I cannot believe she and I are dealing with the same ****.

 

I am soo afraid that in August, when my own papers are signed...I'm gonna lose my sh*t. Of course I will, why be afraid too?

 

Anyway - you are right right right.

I'm thinking I'll just bring her over a leaf blower with a bottle of wine tonight. I love her so very much. Its just right now it seems like he won. Not fair.

[Mimolicious]

Yes, I am in NYC.

 

It's in the water though... they are a dime a dozen.

My exH is was never married before and THIS I know. We were together since I was 17.

 

at the Leaf-blower. Funny the things we get attached to. It's very heart breaking, just be there for your friend. Thank God for my friends and family.

[bittersweet memories]

My dearest friend is signing D papers today. I was in her wedding 10 years ago. Her H had an affair and rather than end it gaslighted her until she had tangible proof. Rather than end it, he continued to deny, continued to want the marriage, begged , asked for sex, claimed love, etc etc etc - UP UNTIL TODAY. Meanwhile, he was able to convince the MOW to divorce her H and they have bought a house together. A great big expensive one. So, they DO leave . And on the surface it seems as though he has suffered no negative consequences.

 

But the OW does not know:

His personal debt is far far larger than it looks on the mortgage application papers.

His business has been running in the red.

She used her marriages entire savings as a deposit on the house. But put his name on it along with hers. He is leaving the marriage with exactly 5 grand.

He has never written a check, balanced a budget, paid a bill. He has (2) bankruptcies behind him.

He spends his entire income, leaving the wife to use hers for the bills.

He tells his as of today ex wife that he doesnt want to leave.

He has been telling OW that his wife has been holding up the D, but it is HER that filed and agreed to every single thing he asked for JUST TO CUT HER LOSSES.

I didnt speak to my friend for 5 years because her H hit on me every time I saw him. I thought it was me until she explained he does it to everyone. Just this one actually bit.

He is a control freak and will soon monitor and become suspicious of her phone calls, her job, her family.

 

None of the above will become evident for oh, about 2 years into it.

 

They have been having the affair for two years. Never spent so much as an entire weekend together, so there is no way she can expect any of this. He acts like a rich guy, acts like a romanitic fool....always at the beginning.

 

Sounds more like he left because the wife had enough and kicked him to the curb...basically not by choice. Poor other woman I hope she wakes the hell up this guy is a total ass.

[OWoman]

Then HE didn't really leave...he got booted.

Maybe I should start asking some of those OW whose H "left" to see the D papers and verify who is the petitioner and who is the respondent.

 

Nice try - but not only have I seen the D papers, I've also seen all the email correspondence with the xW begging him to "give the M another try", offering MC - even setting up mediation sessions, and all the accusations... I've heard the hysterical phone calls. I've lived through the tantrums, self-destructive behaviour and harassing phone calls to his elderly parents. I've sat with the kids when they came back from visiting her. I've had the quiet conversations with her colleagues, former friends and neighbours. I've got a pretty good idea of what went down.

[OWoman]

Sounds more like he left because the wife had enough and kicked him to the curb...basically not by choice.

 

IDK, from this:

 

Her H had an affair and rather than end it gaslighted her until she had tangible proof. Rather than end it, he continued to deny, continued to want the marriage, begged , asked for sex, claimed love, etc etc etc - UP UNTIL TODAY. Meanwhile, he was able to convince the MOW to divorce her H and they have bought a house together. A great big expensive one.

 

...it sounds more like a "managed exit" - the WS staying in the M until all their ducks are in a row for a soft landing in the next R, so that they can transfer out neatly from one to the next, with no hard transition in between.

 

The WS managed to string the BS along long enough for his purposes - sure, the M ended ultimately, at the point where he no longer needed it, and could safely disinvest. In that situation, it doesn't really matter whose name is on the D papers as initiator - he's been in control of the timing, spinning the inevitability to his timetable. In fact, it looks better for him if the BW is instituting the D, because he can walk away with a shrug and claim that he tried - but she was the one who pulled the plug, his conscience on that is clear... while walking into the soft situation he's set up in the wings.

 

It sounds to me like many MM's IDEAL ending, TBH - they walk away looking like Mr Squeaky Clean (to themselves), neat exit, no pain on his part...

[pureinheart]

OWomans description sounds exactly like exDM...it was very calculated, but made to appear that he was out of control, confused ect. He knew what he wanted and exactly how to get it.

 

Had his exW not filed, he would be the bad guy to the kids, family in which he treasures their opinion of him, or at least he did...he's become more bold and self confident lately (at least the last I talked to him). He set her up, and knew exactly what buttons to push and when to push them.

 

Personally, I put my money into nothing that has not been extremely well thought out. I have been with many oportunists. Also have been with many generous men who totally spoiled me and prefer that. I am not a push over, I don't have to have a man, and if wanted one could make a phone call...I choose my lifestyle for now.

 

Possibly 2Sure, this is what they both want everyone to think, and if this is true, it worked. If not, I hope his new SO is a bit more careful.

[jwi71]

Nice try - but not only have I seen the D papers, I've also seen all the email correspondence with the xW begging him to "give the M another try", offering MC - even setting up mediation sessions, and all the accusations... I've heard the hysterical phone calls. I've lived through the tantrums, self-destructive behaviour and harassing phone calls to his elderly parents. I've sat with the kids when they came back from visiting her. I've had the quiet conversations with her colleagues, former friends and neighbours. I've got a pretty good idea of what went down.

 

Owoman,

 

1000 apologies.

 

I was not aiming that at you or GEL - although upon reading it this morning it could have EASILY been interpreted as such. I was meaning NEW posters whose MM had moved out and "filed".

 

Again, 1000 apologies for my clearly poor choice of words

[2sure]

Definitely I meant to post for OW involved with a MM , hoping he will leave. And not as in "I told you so" . Really.

 

I feel bad for this guys new wife to be. I mean, clearly she personally has hurt my friend. But the thing is, this guy is SO good - I'm sure she thinks she is doing the right thing. He is convincing. If he had me in a locked room for half an hour...he might convince even me he is a good guy, and I know better! She has kids, she is entering something without all the facts. He doesnt really love anyone but himself. She has NO WAY of knowing what she is getting.

 

As to the managed exit. Kind of, but really what he was doing was hedging his bets. Of this I'm sure. He wanted BOTH. Still does.

[Brokenlady]

2sure,

Was he this way when his 1st marriage ended (wanting both)? It must be terrible deja vu for your friend as she was the OW then. I'm surprised she doesn't have more understanding for the new OW then, since she's been there. I hate to say it, but I can see this type of nightmare scenario happening with DM and I. Makes me sad.

[Mimolicious]

IDK, from this:

 

 

It sounds to me like many MM's IDEAL ending, TBH - they walk away looking like Mr Squeaky Clean (to themselves), neat exit, no pain on his part...

 

 

Keyword! He sounds pretty delusional.

[Spark1111]

I think this speaks to the old adage (pick one):

 

Wherever you go, there you are, or

 

Can't get a leopard to change its spots.

 

My OW would have inherited a deeply depressed man who did not not make half as much as he claimed to and had some serious IRS problems to clear up.

 

The limos, trips, gifts and lavish dinners would have dried up pretty quickly, too.

 

She thought he was absolutely wonderful, wanted to save him from our loveless marriage, and live happily ever after with her Knight in Shining Armor.

 

And when he was with her, I'm sure he was all those things.

 

But our reality was very, very different.

 

2sure makes a great point:

 

Be careful what you wish for and/or Buyer beware.

[Mimolicious]

@ Sparks.

I just don't get some OW mentalities. They feel like the MM is the most honest and honorable person on this planet. They call the W all sorts of names, that she is stupid because her H lies to her and blah, blah, blah... When in reality if there is someone out of the equation that knows this man best (and I use the term loosely) is the person who lives most of his "reality" with him. I dont understand why OW feel like they get this transparent image of a MM life. When the only proof they have is this non-credible MM BS stories, not exactly his credit report.

 

Yes, I am a true believer of the "be careful what you wish for" but I must add... "because once you get it may not be what you expected".

 

All that glitters...

[Star727]

Thats probably why my WH didnt immediately try to move in with OW on D-Day #1. He knew his limitations. He knew that he can play the "Big Daddy" routine only once a pay period. He probably spent the rest of those two weeks complaining that "I" took all his money so they can't do anything now.

 

She has been listening to him for 10 years now so I know she believes everything he says. Is she in for a surprise. That man can tell some really good lies. He's good. And obviously she has believed him all this time.

 

No wonder he's hasnt been in a big hurry to leave me. To be with her 24/7, she would have to see him at his worse and he doesnt want that. So he made sure he saw her right after payday.

 

I was thinking something funny, if they are patiently waiting until our last child (son) turns 18 in October so he won't have child support issues and he announces that he is leaving and moves in with her, she would feel that "finally, I got my man". She will also get his bills, his health issues, car repair issues - stuff she only had to worry about for herself.