Im I getting the whole story

[ss1]

Recently my second wife went of travel and met up with some female co-workers. They went out drinking together to burn off a little steam, something I didn't think nothing of.

 

Well the following evening she tells me that they met up with a male co-worker as well and ended up going to his room hoping for a mini-bar.

 

He ended up pulling the sofa bed out and she and a female coworker crashed on the sofa bed and another in the bed with him (clothed). She text me that evening she was going to bed that evening, but it wasn't her hotel bed.

 

"I have a personnel rule, married you make it back to your bed hell or high water."

 

Now she tells me that nothing happen, and that she new she was sleeping on the sofa bed, but when they woke up they felt it was so wrong at so many levels.

 

This does upset me, it damages my trust, and I question if she new where she was, but so drunk she didn't think it was wrong then how can one think she didn't think everything else through. How does one know that she didn't just pass out and get taken advantage of? And many more questions.

 

We spoke of this over the phone, and I expressed my appreciation that she told me the situation. I expressed that I was disappointed and that she put her career at risk and we should discuss further upon her return.

 

She has no past history of doing something so stupid that I am aware, but I am hurt, and concerned for her and it hurts that this damages the ultimate trust I have in her. This pushed me to question her state of mind when she goes drinking..

 

Feedback is appreciated.

[JustJoe]

ss, I wouldn't make any snap judgements, until she gets home. If she passed out, and slept, that's one thing, but I would make sure that I was getting the whole story, before acting on the info.

[reboot]

Do you trust your wife? Has she ever given you any reason before not to? This seems like pretty flimsy evidence as to her doing something wrong. Don't over react here.

[ss1]

It is not my intention to over react, it is my plan to sit down and let her discuss the situation and just ask some general questions. The item that is keeping me grounded at this point is she hasn't given me any reason to think otherwise.

 

I think she acted incredibly stupid by:

1.) putting her career at risk

2.) putting her self in a potential dangerous situation

3.) putting her co-worker in a potential bad situation

4.) putting her family and marriage at risk

5.) put most importantly she put herself at risk.

 

Drinking or not when you are in a committed relationship you make it back to your room/home period; even if that means calling a cab. If when you drink you don't think you can handle the levels you stop, your responsibilities and commitments to ones you love and love you don't disappear for a short period of time of drinking.

 

I have gone out with co-workers and had a good time drinking and taken to the limit, but I have always made it back to my bed hell or high water.

 

Do other agree with my thinking or is it to harsh?

[reboot]

It depends. Does this happen a lot, or is it the first time?

[Cinnamon2000]

Recently my second wife went of travel and met up with some female co-workers. They went out drinking together to burn off a little steam, something I didn't think nothing of.

 

Well the following evening she tells me that they met up with a male co-worker as well and ended up going to his room hoping for a mini-bar.

 

He ended up pulling the sofa bed out and she and a female coworker crashed on the sofa bed and another in the bed with him (clothed). She text me that evening she was going to bed that evening, but it wasn't her hotel bed.

 

"I have a personnel rule, married you make it back to your bed hell or high water."

 

Now she tells me that nothing happen, and that she new she was sleeping on the sofa bed, but when they woke up they felt it was so wrong at so many levels.

 

This does upset me, it damages my trust, and I question if she new where she was, but so drunk she didn't think it was wrong then how can one think she didn't think everything else through. How does one know that she didn't just pass out and get taken advantage of? And many more questions.

 

We spoke of this over the phone, and I expressed my appreciation that she told me the situation. I expressed that I was disappointed and that she put her career at risk and we should discuss further upon her return.

 

She has no past history of doing something so stupid that I am aware, but I am hurt, and concerned for her and it hurts that this damages the ultimate trust I have in her. This pushed me to question her state of mind when she goes drinking..

 

Feedback is appreciated.

 

Married women shouldn't be out drinking without their husbands. At least not more than one drink as needed for business gatherings/meetings.

[seibert253]

It is not my intention to over react, it is my plan to sit down and let her discuss the situation and just ask some general questions. The item that is keeping me grounded at this point is she hasn't given me any reason to think otherwise.

 

I think she acted incredibly stupid by:

1.) putting her career at risk

2.) putting her self in a potential dangerous situation

3.) putting her co-worker in a potential bad situation

4.) putting her family and marriage at risk

5.) put most importantly she put herself at risk.

 

Drinking or not when you are in a committed relationship you make it back to your room/home period; even if that means calling a cab. If when you drink you don't think you can handle the levels you stop, your responsibilities and commitments to ones you love and love you don't disappear for a short period of time of drinking.

 

I have gone out with co-workers and had a good time drinking and taken to the limit, but I have always made it back to my bed hell or high water.

 

Do other agree with my thinking or is it to harsh?

 

Same question as reboot. Is this repeated activity or the 1st time this happened?

 

I like your thinking and approach here. I think your dead on. Did something happen, only two people know and you and I are not them.

 

Alot will depend on your wife's attitude and response when you have your "discussion". If she acts defensive and takes the, "its no big deal" attitude, then IMO you've got problems. If she's remorseful and seems genuine in her sorrow, then probably you've got the whole story.

 

IMO I'd also watch/investigate her activities for awhile to insure she's being truthful. Cellphone, emails, etc. Some will disagree but I come from the trust but verify vein. If there's nothing there for 2 weeks, then you're probably GTG.

 

Either way, you've got to come to an understanding that this is never repeated. Totally unacceptable IMO.

[reboot]

Married women shouldn't be out drinking without their husbands. At least not more than one drink as needed for business gatherings/meetings.

 

Wow. Welcome to 1958.

[ss1]

reboot; What do you mean by welcome to 1958?

 

She has been out before drinking heavily with co-workers getting sloshed but never told me anything like this before. I have always assumed she return to her room and called it a night.

 

She has been out and ended up spending time at the toilet; if you get my drift, but again assumed she returned to the her room.

 

Again when she brings it to my attention; which I appreciated; but clearly expresses that it was wrong at so many levels. This even before I even open my mouth on the phone. She knows it was wrong.

 

Then she says she new she was sleeping in her cloths on the sofa bed and nothing happened.

 

This puts in my mind a couple of things:

 

1.) She was drunk that evening, but she had enough know how to know she wasn't doing anything, that she was only sleeping on the sofa bed, and she could text me good night.

2.) Then she wakes up and now knows it was so wrong at so may levels.

 

Sorry when I am drunk as a skunk I know what I am doing, going, and attempting to accomplish. And if you are aware you aren't doing anything and sleeping on a sofabed and sending a text you have enough know how to know it was wrong at so many levels. Get a cab.

 

right?

[xxoo]

Sorry when I am drunk as a skunk I know what I am doing, going, and attempting to accomplish. And if you are aware you aren't doing anything and sleeping on a sofabed and sending a text you have enough know how to know it was wrong at so many levels. Get a cab.

 

right?

 

Honestly, ss1, I think you are missing the bigger issue.

 

Why is she getting so drunk?!

 

I guess, for me, the "back to your own bed" emphasis seems misplaced. I mean, I wouldn't care if my H had a guys night and crashed with a guy friend, if that were the plan. I'd expect him to drink responsibly, regardless of where he is sleeping.

 

I would definitely care if he crashed with a woman! And, more, I'd care that he was too intoxicated to make good decisions. How do you ever trust someone who will drink until they are stupid drunk?

 

It doesn't sound like she has an infidelity problem. I sounds like she has an alcohol problem.

[Mimolicious]

If your W goes out and gets drunk out her a$$ with her co-workers, she doesn't take her career very serious. Sorry. This is my professional opinion. In my sector, you get fired for behaving this way.

 

On the personal level. I have mixed emotions about this... What about if your wife did try to make it back to her room and as drunk as she claims she was, she would have been missing the next day? To have impaired judgement and put herself in harms way is less alarming than forsaking her integrity?

 

Yes, it is a bit fishy but if you trust her and she has never given you reason not to, what's the beef?!?

 

What I think you should really address first is her drinking . This is what may jeopardize her career and after all put her in that room... in hopes for a "mini bar".

[Bryanp]

If the roles had been reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you? She has a history of getting major drunk with co-workers. What is wrong with this picture. She has shown you by her actions a total disrespect for you and your marriage. I am not sure you are really getting the whole picture. She may simply be engaging in damage control. Something just does not seem right with this story.

[ss1]

Mimolicious & xxoo - you both make valid and helpful points. It is appreciated.

 

Bryanp, I agree with you, you make a great point. After she explained herself I asked her if the roles were reversed how would you react to this situation. Her response was she would be very upset and irritated, and that is when I told her my general feelings, but that we would discuss it when she got back from work so that she and I could finish the week off with general composure.

 

I have been playing out the scenario of how I will approach the discussion when she returns. I will be giving her the benefit of the doubt to express herself in full and to express to me what her intentions are in the future. This allow me to gauge the true remorse level. I will definitely ask questions.

 

I think it important that we express to each other what our expectations are as it relates to drinking with co-worker, friends, etc. and set some general boundaries we can both agree to. If she is willing to go along with that then we will see where it goes.

[ss1]

"Does you actually believe this?

Perhaps a college party.......but not professional business people."; this why I have my concerns and looking for input for you all. I am taking all it in and validating or invalidating my feelings. Making sure I am not over reacting.

 

"HOW OLD IS YOUR WIFE?"; 34

 

"WHERE WAS YOUR WIFE AND FEMALE COWORKERs ROOMS.....IN THE SAME HOTEL?"; no in a different hotel but just a block or two away.

 

"If so.....why could they not make it back to their respective rooms?"; very good question.

"If not.... why would these colleagues be staying at different hotels?"; The female co-workers live there, the male co-worker was in town for a meeting. My wife was in town for a meeting with the female co-workers.

 

"How and why did she meet up with these colleagues?"; they all work together in the same group; in fact she is their super. The male does not an in sales.

 

"Was it a conference, sales meeting ...... what was this out of town meeting with multiple coworkers....presumably at different hotels?"; answered above.

 

Now with those facts what do you think?

[Mimolicious]

Blindsidedagainalive- Didn't even cross my mind, but you are on the money here.

[CrayonAngel]

Married women shouldn't be out drinking without their husbands. At least not more than one drink as needed for business gatherings/meetings.

 

Say whaaat? Are we allowed to have jobs too? :lmao:

 

SS1, The decision your W made to sleep in another man's hotel room REGUARDLESS of nothing going on was a STUPID ONE!

 

How would she feel if you did something like that? I know I would be hurt if my husband didn't have the respect for me to avoid things like this. If you trust her, then give her the benefit of the doubt. But make it VERY clear that this won't be happening again. If you are okay with it, she will do things like this again and again. Good luck.

[ss1]

"So, the female coworkers live locally, but they preferred to sleep in a hotel? Why did they not go home?"; all I could assume is that they live a distance from downtown and they were quite plastered. Why not take a cab?

 

"So the sales guy was in town. If these were you wifes' friends....why were they not at HER hotel.....why did they go to the salesman's hotel?"; he may have had a minibar is what she told me.

 

Yea so I have I based upon what I have been told.

 

"your wife stayed with the salesman alone."; this is my fear.

 

"If they were out drinking as a group.....what would be the need to return to the salesman's room. The bar probably closes late. "; she text me a 0241 she was going to bed. That was it. I should have called but it was late and felt okay she is in her bed calling it a night; but this was not the case.

 

"Furthermore....if your wife is the supervisor....I doubt she would be going with 2 subordinates........to a salesman's room. Particularly so one could sleep in the same bed with him.";

 

I can't disagree with this logic.

 

"Also....did they have business the next day?"; the did have business the next day..

"If so.....did the local woman PLAN on staying at the hotel?"; not to my knowledge but this speculation.

 

"Why would they not want to get home for the next business day (shower and change)."; good point..

[Owl]

I guess I still live in 1958 too.

 

I'm not limiting it to married WOMEN though.

 

I don't believe that married PEOPLE should be out getting drunk (or even drinking heavily) without their spouse present. It's not a gender thing...it's a responsibility thing. But hey, 1958 looks great to me.

 

And when I'm on business trips, I don't drink. PERIOD. Too easy for all manner of stupidity to happen, regardless of infidelity being somewhere in that mix.

 

If I drink...I drink at home. Or I drink when I'm out with my (adult) sons. People that I consider very close to me...and people that I know won't let me do something stupid. I haven't been drunk in public in DECADES.

 

To the OP, I'd suggest that this would be one of the first places you should start the discussion. Clearly your wife has judgement issues when she drinks...perhaps she should refrain when she's out in public, ESPECIALLY without you?

 

Just my take from 1958.

[ss1]

I guess I still live in 1958 too.

 

I'm not limiting it to married WOMEN though.

 

I don't believe that married PEOPLE should be out getting drunk (or even drinking heavily) without their spouse present. It's not a gender thing...it's a responsibility thing. But hey, 1958 looks great to me.

 

And when I'm on business trips, I don't drink. PERIOD. Too easy for all manner of stupidity to happen, regardless of infidelity being somewhere in that mix.

 

If I drink...I drink at home. Or I drink when I'm out with my (adult) sons. People that I consider very close to me...and people that I know won't let me do something stupid. I haven't been drunk in public in DECADES.

 

To the OP, I'd suggest that this would be one of the first places you should start the discussion. Clearly your wife has judgement issues when she drinks...perhaps she should refrain when she's out in public, ESPECIALLY without you?

 

Just my take from 1958.

 

This make since to me now, when one says lives in 1958.

 

I agree that boundaries need to be discussed, and reevaluate them.

[Church Bells]

ss1,

 

Unfortunately, your situation is tooooo close for comfort to my own, and I must tell you that I think Blindsided is more than likely on to something. This story just doesn't pass the smell test ... and sounds like its right out of the WW (Wayward Wife) Play Book for "MINIMIZING" exactly what happened.

 

FWIW, excessive drinking and poor boundaries played a major role in my W's affair.

 

I will tell you that we have somewhat recovered from my W's very similar situation, but at nearly 3 years past D-Day, I still question whether I have gotten the whole story ... and if I had to make a bet on it ... I would wager that more happened in our situation that what I have been told ... and THAT remains the fly in the ointment for our complete recovery.

 

The cold hard reality of the situation ... whether you have the whole story or only a portion ... is that you now have a W that travels regularly for business that you can NO LONGER TRUST.

 

IF this turns out to be recoverable for you ... I can offer up a strong list of "extraordinary precautions" that we have now put in play for my W's business travel that may help you with recovery:

 

1. I get a full itinerary of her flight, car rental, hotel, meeting times and places, etc. prior to her departure.
   
2. She calls me as soon as she reaches her hotel room with the direct number to the hotel and her room number, plus I have the full right to call her at any time (even in the middle of the night) to make sure she is where she is supposed to be.
   
3. She is no longer able to go out drinking with co-workers ... NO EXCEPTIONS male or female or in a group.
   
4. She can have up to 2 alcoholic beverages at COMPANY dinners that REQUIRE her attendance.
   
5. There is one female co-worker (Thelma to her Louise) partner in crime that she is no longer allowed to socialize with in any manner ... ONLY business communication and ONLY when absolutely necessary, which has been ZERO for the past 2.5 years. They don't even sit together at company functions.
   

Most times now, she simply does her job and then returns to the hotel for room service, and there is no company or customer socialization, and for the record, even my W claims she is more comfortable with this situation.

 

To conclude ... I can really relate to what you are experiencing and the absolute HELL I know you are enduring waiting on her return. My only advice is to be calm, but firm ... YOU are the one who has been wronged ... and SHE is the one who has acted UNTRUSTWORTHY regardless of whether anything physical occurred or not. Assume your role based on those undeniable FACTS.

[ss1]

Blindsidedagainalive and Church Bells,

 

Thanks for the recommendations. She is on her flight home. I have spent the time passing taking nots of my feelings, ensuring that I am capturing how I feel and ensure that I break down the questions I am going to ask to get more clarity into the story to either put this behind us or take further steps.

 

I brought my concerns to this public forum to get exactly some of the feedback that I have been given; good, bad, or indifferent to ensure I think everything through and not try to jump to to many conclusions even though ones mind; out of emotional effects wants to.

 

I agree the story that I was provided by her doesn't add up fails my "smell test". That again is why I am her. It is disappointing to say the least, but being in a previous relationship getting hurt, divorced, and the battle that ensued that first relationship. It makes one a little more protective to ones heart, maybe this is one reason I have been finding it difficult to left my emotions really flow freely, self protection.

 

Counselors here I come again, make me a better person.

 

Keep the thoughts coming a still have a few hours to go.

[seibert253]

reboot; What do you mean by welcome to 1958?

 

She has been out before drinking heavily with co-workers getting sloshed but never told me anything like this before. I have always assumed she return to her room and called it a night.

 

She has been out and ended up spending time at the toilet; if you get my drift, but again assumed she returned to the her room.

 

Again when she brings it to my attention; which I appreciated; but clearly expresses that it was wrong at so many levels. This even before I even open my mouth on the phone. She knows it was wrong.

 

Then she says she new she was sleeping in her cloths on the sofa bed and nothing happened.

 

This puts in my mind a couple of things:

 

1.) She was drunk that evening, but she had enough know how to know she wasn't doing anything, that she was only sleeping on the sofa bed, and she could text me good night.

2.) Then she wakes up and now knows it was so wrong at so may levels.

 

Sorry when I am drunk as a skunk I know what I am doing, going, and attempting to accomplish. And if you are aware you aren't doing anything and sleeping on a sofabed and sending a text you have enough know how to know it was wrong at so many levels. Get a cab.

 

right?

 

Your wife has a drinking problem. Hope you see this. Hope she sees it.

You need to insist she gets help, or does not drink unless you're around to keep her in check.

Based upon this post, me thinks other things have occured that you don't know about.

Also, based upon your revelations about your wife's activities, I don't believe her as far as the explaination of her latest drunken expitade.

[reboot]

OK, I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. If this were an isolated incident, I would simply trust my wife but keep my eyes open. This is obviously not an isolated incident. Your wife has a problem. This is unacceptable behavior.

[JustJoe]

Dude, we can give you all sorts of scenerios, but none of them will be the right one. You will only find out, if you need to, by investigating this incident, and by keeping track of your wife's e-mails , calls and texts for the next few weeks. Do you really need to do this? If your wife has a history of heavy drinking, then I think you do need to. For your own peace of mind. You both need to consider therapy for her alcoholism.

[Church Bells]

ss1,

 

FWIW, I don't see a drinking problem here ... just like my W didn't have a drinking problem ... they have/had a maturity problem where they like/liked to party with their co-workers when they were away on business.

 

That doesn't excuse it, just puts it in perspective. What it does do, is give you an opportunity to address it and establish some strong boundaries going forward.

 

However, that is for a time in the future. Give us an update on your confrontation when she returned and we'll help as much as possible with the current issue.