jude007 Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 After 7 Years - on and off in which time she left me after the initial 4 months of dating when we first met. Went with a guy she had known for years - dated him - broke up - after a year - asked me back. We dated for 5 years - had 2-3 break ups, but always ended back in each others arms - when we were good we were amzin when bad - we were like being like kids arguin over silly stuff. however we got engaged last nov in paris - and it was all going well.... Istarted having some personal work issues, and work probs - in which I just let build up - and didnt let her in.... She left me in March. after a heated argument. gave me back the ring and I have barely seen her since. She contacted me to say she moving to away - 50 miles away in June. I asked her why - and was out relationship not worth saving? she said that she made the choice for both of us - and that it was for the best - but she still loves me, and it will break her heart to see me with someone else - but she felt we are too similar.....and that we never quiet got it right... I just dont know what to do - 7 yrs and its always been her. Do i chase her? or do i let it go? Looking for some thoughts..... I just do wander tho - as soon as anytime it gets heated she has a habit of breaking it off.... henice on and off? Thanks
ADF Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Any relationship that drags on for 7 years in an on-again, off-again manner is dysfunctional. One of you needs to make a decision. Either commit, or let it go. It sounds like she'd made a decision. If you want to keep this woman, askher to marry you. It may not work, but it is about all you can do. Good luck.
Author jude007 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 I guess you are right - I do not know what to do - she wont really get caught up in conversation with me, hasnt contacted me, Ive initiated contact. With regards to splitting -i have never wanted to leave it was always her. and over heated arguments, that most couples have now and then. I dont know, but she was hurt years ago - she was engaged before and found out that her man was cheating on her - and left.... she took 3 months of her work, and then met me, and thats where the story begins. If I am to move on - It doesnt help all her friends or our friends are all dating each other, and interlinked! 3 months since split and no sign of her backing down or cracking. may it is time to move on ?
GrayClouds Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I guess you are right - I do not know what to do - she wont really get caught up in conversation with me, hasnt contacted me, Ive initiated contact. With regards to splitting -i have never wanted to leave it was always her. and over heated arguments, that most couples have now and then. I dont know, but she was hurt years ago - she was engaged before and found out that her man was cheating on her - and left.... she took 3 months of her work, and then met me, and thats where the story begins. If I am to move on - It doesnt help all her friends or our friends are all dating each other, and interlinked! 3 months since split and no sign of her backing down or cracking. may it is time to move on ? yes, only if your really ready for the drama to end. Remeber it is their actions not words that really communicate there feelings.
Author jude007 Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 GreyCLoud thanks.... Actions? what do you mean as in the fact she is moving away? Its tough because I know she loves me - and her friends (well some of them) say that she is so strong willed, but deep down she has been upset alot!.... I emailed her last week to say hey do you want to meet, she said she wasnt sure (whatever that means) and that she was moving away..... I wasnt that good at comminicating when under fire - i know that now..... but she doesnt believe i will change.... 7 years, since I met her in June as well.... things are tough.
Author jude007 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 Ok so I met her, to sign final flat details - splitting half of our pad each. Selling her car... She is moving away, got a bit upset - but I really dont know if I can salvage this..... she seems pretty headstrong as we tried so many times.... what do I do now? She got upset and said I wont change? what do I do folks? im so gutted, and keep kicking myself for this!.....
Author jude007 Posted May 25, 2010 Author Posted May 25, 2010 I guess her actions are showing me she is leaving Grey Clouds... 7 years, and she can just go like that?!..... Maybe that why she wanted to see me? closure? if there is such a thing..... will time really heal this? or do you only meet one special person in life?.... I just never felt love like this, or chemistry which she admitted we had in a huge way... it was communication on my part that has messed this up...... now ive lost her.
GrayClouds Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 I guess her actions are showing me she is leaving Grey Clouds... 7 years, and she can just go like that?!..... Maybe that why she wanted to see me? closure? if there is such a thing..... will time really heal this? or do you only meet one special person in life?.... I just never felt love like this, or chemistry which she admitted we had in a huge way... it was communication on my part that has messed this up...... now ive lost her. Stop. Do not blame yourself, it takes two to make a realtionship work and if one does not want it too it wont. How can you say it was your communication when it was her who walk away at a complete surprise to you, hows that for poor communication. And as much as you felt you had chemistry the fact that you two have ben off and on suggest it was more like simple drama. Remeber if you were meant to be together you would be. Though what ever thing was, now it is about you and your healing. It is hard but it is time to focus on not what was but you and what will be. It does get easier. Make sure you go NC.
Author jude007 Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 hi thanks? what do you mean simple drama? she was upset, and said it will break her heart to see me with soemone else in the future. I just dont get this all....
GrayClouds Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 hi thanks? what do you mean simple drama? she was upset, and said it will break her heart to see me with soemone else in the future. I just dont get this all.... Drama...game playing. it is emotional intensity as a substitute for emotional intimacy. It appears you two enjoy the emotional up and down to feel like there is something there. It a substitution for being able to enjoy real emotional intimacy. Like her saying the statement above, it is simple BS, if it was true she would not leave. You need to work on yourself to understand why you would confuse this as a loving relationship. In a loving relationship couples do not break up over and over like this. It is time to get off the rollercoaster and just walk away and go NC. Give yourself space to heal and grow.
Author jude007 Posted May 26, 2010 Author Posted May 26, 2010 Its crazy all this, but its happened and your right. I honestly thought she was the one, I really did - we had been through so much more than the argument we had - it was only magnified this time as we lived with each other. Ive learned some lessons on communication - and realised that i have to open up. i have told her that, but she says that will help when i meet someone else. So she is leaving in one month to move - i will miss her soo much - but then again since feb when we split I have done everyday. I really cant see me meet anyone like her, as much as she had flaws like anyone, i didnt care I loved her.... maybe that is the difference - she didnt love me enough!...... I have got on a fitness regime, and lost weight, and packed on muscle - but you come back to the apartment at night, and my heart just sinks again - I just want to speak with her again and see her - but I wont chase im too proud for that... I know they say time will tell or time helps - but believe me 7 years - sometime I just dont know how or why.... Her friend said to me she loves me, and she is goin with her head and not her heart but she is very head strong - but I liked that about her deep down she kept me in check. maybe I should just go with the saying that so many use, if she loves me - she will come back - if she doesnt - she never really did. Now in one month she is going away - 32 I am - and last year thought I had it all - the women of my dreams - the penthouse - the car - the job, and amazing family friends.... now life feels so meaningless with out her at times - each day is like groundhog day. regardless of exercise, making changes. and the same mistakes were made everytime - and prodominantly me not opening up.
GrayClouds Posted May 26, 2010 Posted May 26, 2010 each day is like groundhog day. regardless of exercise, making changes. and the same mistakes were made everytime - and prodominantly me not opening up. And like the movie groundhog day, the more time you focus on yourself, discovering and rediscovering the things you can do to make you self happy, the better you will be and the greater real love will come into your life. Be kind to your self.
Author jude007 Posted June 2, 2010 Author Posted June 2, 2010 Ok, I guess I have to - it would have been 7 year annivesary on sat - I will be at a wedding. Im surprised at how well she has taken things, moving, sellling her car etc. never thought she would leave. I dont know if its worth one last shot to speak with her before she goes? or leave things - and let her contact me - which she wont do.
Author jude007 Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 Ok here is an update on my situ... Now under 5 months since split - For weeks, I had been feeling better got myself back out there, partied up, worked out, kept everything in my life in order.... then boom! I see her apartment up for sale 2 wks ago for sale - confirmation she is leaving for the big smoke after all. I then see her out on the town - we get on great until our relationship gets mentioned, how we miss each other, and then she telling me how hard it will be to move on.... she gets upset! an argument breaks out!.... we leave seperate routes from bar. I get txts how she wont come back and she needs to try the city or she will never do it.... and she hopes we can be friends in the future!..... then a BBQ is announced by a mutual friend at the weekend - I go - have a ball - with everyone we are connected too - she is there, but I just say hi. Now 3 days on I feel like back to ground zero miss her so much, even after seeing her - she looking great toned up - when she smiles - it is the biggest smile, she just lights up the room. She did leave after a disagreement with one of freinds, Im guessing because I was talking to her friend for ages.... The thing that really is kicking in, yes I didnt speak to her - well she didnt me either - however I really miss someone who I classed as my best friend, soulmate if you wish..... Im done with the emails, the txts, im done with it all - I miss her, but hope that I can get back on the bike and move fwd again.... No contact in my case will just have to be the way for now.... Im reading a number of books at present about self improvement, the power of trust, and they are helpful.... but time is healing slowly but surely, and in that time I guess, I will slide a little, perseverance huh!? as one paragraph I read - "why is she reponsible for your happyness"!??? hope you guys out there are doing good. Jude
GrayClouds Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 Now it is important to get something out of the pain. It is not about beating yourself up, but figuring where you need to grow to be a better person and what lesson you need to learn to be better with the new one comes along. Remember she was not perfect, she too smelled if she did not take a shower in a week, she too has those annoying habits, she too drove you nuts at time. Most imortantly was the type to give up on something good, did not know how to value things that really matter. Time to make your life mean something with out someone next to you, and when you do amazing things will happen.
Author jude007 Posted June 29, 2010 Author Posted June 29, 2010 thanks, alot what you say makes sense, I feeel real bad, when I see her upset, even tho she left me..... Its tough - real tough but your right time to take stock - each day without her - makes your mind work in overdrive.
whatadeer26 Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I know exactly how you feel. But that quote is sooooo true. She is not responsible for your happiness. You were happy before you ran into her, you will be fine after. It is easier said than done I know that, but know that there are millions like you(I am 1) that are going through heartbreak. We are all fine and I myself am trying to move on. http://lovesagame.com/the-secret-how-to-get-over-a-break-up/ is a great article that has helped me.
GrayClouds Posted June 29, 2010 Posted June 29, 2010 I suspect you like being her knight in shining armor and picking her up when she fell. You may wan to pick up the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" it may shade some light into your motivations.
Author jude007 Posted July 6, 2010 Author Posted July 6, 2010 Hey there, well out of the blue her mother got in touch - asked how I was - if I could pass on a few pictures from the holiday we had together last year. I of course did - and in my weakness broke NC - emailed the ex - to be met a discussion what her mother was doing with the pictures and a "Thanks" at the end. I replied no probs, here to help - how are you anyway? no answer at all! Im hearing she was angry because we never spoke at a PArty the other week with mutual friends. however I guess she is being cold now - which is what she is like sometimes - hard to be let in. I now feel total - panic - uncertainly hurt - mixed emotions - I thought at the least we could do is have a small email discussion. Obviously not.
GrayClouds Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 Hey there, well out of the blue her mother got in touch - asked how I was - if I could pass on a few pictures from the holiday we had together last year. I of course did - and in my weakness broke NC - emailed the ex - to be met a discussion what her mother was doing with the pictures and a "Thanks" at the end. I replied no probs, here to help - how are you anyway? no answer at all! Im hearing she was angry because we never spoke at a PArty the other week with mutual friends. however I guess she is being cold now - which is what she is like sometimes - hard to be let in. I now feel total - panic - uncertainly hurt - mixed emotions - I thought at the least we could do is have a small email discussion. Obviously not. NC means NC, Take care of yourself first.
Ilovecake Posted July 6, 2010 Posted July 6, 2010 7 years, 7 days it really makes no difference. People put too much significance on numbers. The fact that you broke up and got back together that many times tells me you didn’t have a very strong, secure relationship to begin with. You obviously got engaged because you romanticized where you were and you felt it would make your very unstable relationship more permanent. These are all the wrong things to do and will only drive you further apart. The fact that neither one of you really put any effort into making it work when you were together should tell you that it’s too late now that it’s definitely over. You should let it go and find someone you are actually compatible with. You’ll see what a huge difference it makes to just be with someone you really like and not constantly have to force it to work. You are not obligated to make it work with someone just because you put a certain amount of time into it.
Author jude007 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Posted July 8, 2010 thanks, im not so sure its that easy to forget - its a long time, we did a huge amount together, and holidays etc. and in general when we were good were amazing - when bad, we just couldnt back down from any arguments - until - she started getting upset. then it became a bigger drama that I upset her.... I know we both do love each other - but I guess what will be will be?
Author jude007 Posted August 19, 2010 Author Posted August 19, 2010 Here is an update in my situation. Well its approaching 6 months since we split up, since then we have met went for lunch disagreed about splitting up, I didnt - she felt she and we had tried so many times. I am still thinking about her everyday - I miss her so much, hell I even miss the arguments! - She is off to see her sister in States, I decided to txt her - to say hope she has a great time, and pass my lv on to family. My friend also married her best friend recently so look at that further down the line - everything is goign to be so awkward. I txt her on my mates wedding day, (as they got married abroad) and said that I was happy for D+G but was sad it wasnt us, I got a reply that she couldnt just turn of the feelings, but she knows now months on the decision is right...... Ive tried the no contact thing - it helped but then I get resentful when I see her she hasnt made the effort to even care, or talk to me! Im pretty lost - I had a bit of fun with girls for a couple months, there, but I realise that it wasnt helping me and that I really love my ex. What do I do - nowcant really keep no contact when she is with the same group of friends. ] Its a mess, im now geting stress marks on my neck and arms.... Really not sure what a coucillor or anyone can do. and dont get me wrong, people used to comment on my cofidence, and my way - happy chap - now feel that she was the one.....
Author jude007 Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 help!!! I looked at photos last night of 7 years - and it was still upsetting. I cannot believe she has turned her back on this - and I know deep dpwn she loves me - people have told me she still has - she hasnt moved on..
silic0ntoad Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Remeber if you were meant to be together you would be. I don't understand this. To me, being a buddhist, there is no predestined path each man or woman is to follow. This line gives false hope as the believer and dumpee believes they are meant to be. Who predetermines who is meant and not meant to be with any given person? I agree with everything else GC has said so far, however.
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