dealing with a flake

[jazzpur]

recently, ive been talking to a girl whom i knew from highschool.

 

we have very good chemistry, seems like the flirting never dies....talking through IMs until 4am, texts convos which nevr end etc etc., very strong sexual tension when we hang out.

 

We had several sexual encounters (satisfying for the both of us), and our talk has gottn dirtier and dirtier, a lot of double entoundras and such. But we yet to have intercoarse. I just havnt gone for it yet.

 

Recently, shes been feeding me info that she "gets incredibly nervous around me" and that she is "very intimidated" but she says all of that tension drops as soon as we have physical contact. She admitted that shes a nervous wreck when we are on a date. Shes also starting to send me <3s. My only translation of this is that, she has a very strong crush on me ...shes falling for me. (this is my assumption).

 

Thus far

 

She has intiated several dates throughout the coarse of our dating and canceled four times now. Three for "work", one no excuse. So i kinda drew the line after 3 strikes.

Shes really busy, somewhat disorganized, but 4 times in two months is too much

 

This last time she just cancelled with no excuse.... "you can really kick my ass now, im not going to make it tonight, im sorry".

This is a date which she had planned, and was excited about yesturday during conversation.

 

I just cant read her, its drving me nuts. I dont know if shes having anxiety issues, if shes really that unorganized, or if she sending me a message to f off or testing me.

 

It seems like only 50% of our plans ever actually happen, but im positive shes single and im the only one in actual pursuit of her based on her social networking pages

 

Don know if i should just back off and ignore her, its getting too frustrating

[phineas]

Sounds similiar to my flake.

We wern't dateing but she kept making plans to hang out & canceling last minute or saying "maybe we can do this on..."

 

She's "playing the feild"

 

So is yours.

 

I just stopped calling her.

Havn't heard from her in about 3 weeks.

I fully expect her call me up out of the blue when she's bored.

I plan on being "busy" for the rest of my life when she does. LOL!

[lofi_tokyo]

I am a super-flake. I am notoriously known for it. I've lost some friends because of it, but most of my close friends have come to accept that that's who I am. I really am trying to improve, but its just in my nature.

 

BUT! BUT!!

 

I just recently started dating someone - after two years of flaking out on guys (and girls) from all walks of life, and you know what? I never flake out on him. I told him I get scared of him/relationships or that I get bored easily and bail on things out of no where, but I've also told him that something is different with him. I actually want to spend my time with him. That's huge.

 

So, coming from one really flakey girl: I warn guys that I'm a flake, I can tell them how great they are, but unless I'm actually making time for a guy and honouring my commitments to them, they're just another guy that doesn't call for any change on my behalf.

 

Sorry.

[lofi_tokyo]

And furthermore, even if she isn't like me - and you matter the world to her despite her actions saying otherwise, why stick around if you're unhappy? The relationship is new, and her behavior now is indicative of how she'll behave in the future. Do you want to be around this for months, possibly years?

[make me believe]

I wouldn't stick around for somebody so flakey. You are right that four times in two months is too much. I disagree with tokyo that it can be someone's "nature" to be a flake. It's not anyone's "nature," it's just rude & inconsiderate.

[lofi_tokyo]

I disagree with tokyo that it can be someone's "nature" to be a flake. It's not anyone's "nature," it's just rude & inconsiderate.

 

I think it can be in someone's nature to be flakey - bad short term memory? I always forget making plans. Verbal plan making doesn't stick with me at all, no matter how much the person matters to me. But there are ways to fix it - I can bring a day timer around or write things down as soon as I make a plan. Saying its in someones nature and using it as an excuse not to do better is a problem, but I think some people are flakey just because its how they are. I'm also a really busy person, and I'm always on call. That's not nature, that's the situations I put myself in. If someone's flakey for that reason, then yeah, its not flakey because its who they are. ;p

[BackUpOrGetStung]

I think you should sleep with her and see if anything changes. If not, just leave her alone.

[lofi_tokyo]

I think you should sleep with her and see if anything changes. If not, just leave her alone.

 

^^^^ Hahahahahah! I like this!

[Mimolicious]

People are going to act the way they want to act, it is up to you to accept it. That's as far as you can control. If you feel like she is flaking, avoiding you because she is no longer interested- keep it moving!

If you want to stick around and waste your time waiting- deal with it!

 

I wouldn't call myself "flaky" but if I am not interested I am ghost! No time for nonsense. It gets to a point in life (my life and where I am now) that you are the captain of your own ship. This still doesn't mean that you have to paly with someone else's feelings. If it bothers you, then cut her off too! You'll be surprised, what a little ignoring on your part can do to her.

 

FYI- Don't sleep with her. Where is that going to get you?! People love to complicate things...

[Cracker Jack]

Yeah, she does seem tough to read.

 

I'd say you should just take a step-back from her as of now. If she wants to enjoy herself with you, she'll contact you. Until then, you should probably just understand her for who she is and build chemisty with another girl.

[jazzpur]

i def would not say that she has lost interest...

 

shes the one who intitiated the past few dates.... and the last we talked was a several hour convo with obvious chemistry.

 

i really think she is putting up some kind of barrier to see if im real or playing her...but i dont want to call her out on it...or should i

[sunnyup]

That's what it means to be a flake? I guess I am too since I only call up my gf to hang out when I'm bored or have nothing else that I'm interested in doing that day.

 

I always thought flakes were stupid people or bubble heads are you sure that's what this means?

[Cracker Jack]

i def would not say that she has lost interest...

 

shes the one who intitiated the past few dates.... and the last we talked was a several hour convo with obvious chemistry.

 

i really think she is putting up some kind of barrier to see if im real or playing her...but i dont want to call her out on it...or should i

 

Not so sure about that.

 

However, if your last contact with her consisted of a "several hour conversation with chemistry", then I'd say there's still something there. Yes, she initated it--but she also cancelled more times than normal. I don't see how that's a barrier or whatever. How could you be playing her if she's making the dates and breaking them?

 

I dunno.

[jazzpur]

well the last convo happened to be about our plans for the following day.

 

She didnt want to go out to dinner or formal date this time...she just wanted to rent a movie and "hang out". then, through double entoundras, we sort of established what was really going to happen (sex) and she was all yum this yum that, smiles and hearts.

 

It think it has a lot to do with anxiety, maybe the next day she felt pressured....and perhaps she doesnt want to come off as a dirty girl, or slutty, inadequit...or that im just using her for sex.

 

Thats not the case, i have no intentions on using her. this flake off is driving me nuts

Edited May 20, 2010 by jazzpur

[Cracker Jack]

So, are the plans still in motion? Are you planning to hang out tomorrow?

 

If so, I hope everything goes well for you.

[jazzpur]

no this was the convo we had before she flaked out and canceled

[Cracker Jack]

Oh, she flaked you off when you guys were planning to hang out, too? Dang!

 

Well, as you said--the anxiety could be a reason for this. Either way, something's gotta give at some point.

[jazzpur]

i think im just gonna pull away for a few weeks

 

if she doesnt make plans to meet up im going to intitiate one more IM convo, and after chatting i for a bit ill call her and actually talk to get a better read on her

[homersheineken]

I think it can be in someone's nature to be flakey - bad short term memory? I always forget making plans. Verbal plan making doesn't stick with me at all, no matter how much the person matters to me. But there are ways to fix it - I can bring a day timer around or write things down as soon as I make a plan. Saying its in someones nature and using it as an excuse not to do better is a problem, but I think some people are flakey just because its how they are. I'm also a really busy person, and I'm always on call. That's not nature, that's the situations I put myself in. If someone's flakey for that reason, then yeah, its not flakey because its who they are. ;p

 

 

This post is flaky. You contradict yourself at every turn. I can see why people don't put up with you.

[vanek26]

Yeah, if someone wants to hang out with you, they're going to make time for you. The fact that this has happened multiple times is a guarantee that she doesn't see you as worthwhile.

[jazzpur]

Well our scheduals are the complete opposite being she works 5 to 6 night shifts at a bar per week. Her time management plays a little bit of an issue.

 

Im just boggled becuase when we talk, its like we never stop until one of us passes out, and when we make out and get sexual she gets so into it.

 

Im going to throw one more thing into the mix...i get a lot of attention from other girls on social networking sites..and i almost get the feeling that she thinks she just another girl...eventhough in reality...this ones different. Im naturally emotionally distant, so im never direct in the sense that i have real feelings for her, im just afraid ill look like a pussy if i get all mushy.

 

I actually used to talk to this same girl and hook-up on random weekends a few years ago. Then i ending up falling into a relationship with another girl for 3 years so perhaps she felt displaced by me back then. This is why im saying it may be a protection thing....eventhough she is attracted to me, she may feel that ill just burn her. The other girl (girl B) just so happend to ask me to be her boyfriend, and i gave it a shot. I dont know if i hurt her (girl A), but i can assume i did.

 

the fact is, id like to open up to her literally, let her know shes different, but i want to do so in a fashion that wont make me look like a pussy. I need her to konw that im not playing her. Perhaps some females can weight in..

Edited May 21, 2010 by jazzpur

[phineas]

Hot bar chicks are hit on ALL NIGHT LONG.

 

You probably met her at work & hit on her.

 

There are probably half a dozen other guys she's stringing along.

[jazzpur]

UPDATE

 

she texted me back yesturday "hi let me know when your free to make me nervous and inflict "the wrath" on me this week"

 

ignoring her didnt hurt

 

i think im not going to reply for a day or two to let the silence teach her to show a little more respect rather than saying anything

[You Go Girl]

I think she's afraid of you.

You've left her for someone else before.

She's afraid to invest her feelings in you, or be vulnerable.

That you make her 'nervous' speaks volumes.

[lofi_tokyo]

This post is flaky. You contradict yourself at every turn. I can see why people don't put up with you.

 

 

Hahaha fair enough ;p