LoveTruthChaos Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Hi all, I'm new to this site, and I hope I've posted this in the right place. Please bear with me, I think my story might be a little long. But I feel I need to tell it to gain some perspective. I was in a long distance relationship with what I thought was a wonderful guy from August 2008-April 2010. When we met, I was 24, he was 40. (I know I know, age difference. But he looks 25. He fools a lot of people). When we met, it was literally like our angels were bringing us together. Even when we thought we kept missing each other like passing ships, we somehow always met up again. It was filled with fate and meant-to-be's. How we met was magical too - we weren't even meant to be where we were, but hey, there we were! We were together for a week before I went back home. I should mention that he was from New York and I'm Australian. I told him not to wait for me, but a week later, we were on the phone making the promise that we would wait for each other. 'Waiting' for us meant it would be 10 months before we saw each other again. To cut a long story short, we waited the 10 months, and I flew back to America in June 2009, to spend 4 months with him while we worked together in the place we first met. Now, this guy swept me off my feet. Before meeting each other, I had been single for 6 years, and he had been single for 8 months. We were both that 'shining light on the horizon' for each other. Everything seemed perfect. The time we were physically together (June-Oct 2009) was wonderful. We understood each other in a way that we had both never been understood before. I had never felt like that about anyone before. I loved him. I had never loved anyone before him. I made the decision to give my virginity to him too, at age 25... two months into the 4 months we spent together. For me, that was never a matter of waiting for marriage, only the 'right person'. He was definitely the right one. And despite all I'm about to tell you, I regret nothing. Okay - now the fairytale develops some cracks. When we were together, he was passionate, experienced, loving, caring, sweet, kind and made me feel even more wonderful than I already did, as a person. I have good self esteem, so I never needed a prop-up. I should also mention that I do tend to appear quite innocent to some people, I'm easy going, not the jealous type, and I'm quite sensitive (I tend to cry easily sometimes). Although I loved him, I actually thought I may have been in love with him. But then, in the back of my mind, I always thought that there had to be something more to this thing we call love. Turns out I was right. I was never 'in love' with him. Sorry, I digress! I'm deeply into astrology, so forgive me if I tend to analyse things on a horoscope level. He was a Leo (fire sign), I am a Pisces (water sign). And was does water do to fire? That's right kids. I think after a while, my emotions may have doused his fire. But I think that was a small factor. I got the feeling like if I cried because I missed him, he was touched...but only for a while. I think it may have started to get annoying. There were things about him that didn't sit right with me. Not major things, but we didn't have the same sense of humour. I don't really like The Beatles, he loves them. I really love animals, and he seemed to think that watching people shoot animals is funny. I think that sometimes our cultures would clash too. I'm insanely patriotic, and yes, sometimes I talked about how great Australia is. Not in a rub it in your face kind of way, but in a 'wait till you see all the awesome stuff in Australia when you come see me!' kind of way. And he would talk about the shows he grew up with as a kid, and then when we watched them, I tried so hard to like them, but they weren't my thing. The fact that we came from different generations was probably the smallest factor of all. Somehow, that was never an issue. Probably because he didn't hold the maturity of a 40 year old. We worked together at a summer camp in CT that we were both regulars of (I had been a counselor for 3 summers, he has been attending the camp consistently since he was a kid). It was wonderful. It is a large summer camp, where we had more than 200 mutual friends, who watched our relationship blossom. Everyone loved us together. This might sound really silly, but because of our individual status' at the camp, we were like the 'celebrity couple'. Everyone thought we'd be together forever. I did not. Although he was wonderful, and taught my tortured heart how to love again...I knew we wouldn't be together forever. You know how people say 'when you know who you're going to marry, you just know'? Well, you also know when you're not going to. And I knew. I guess I should have read the signs better when we were together. A lot of those judgements would come better from someone more experienced, but I'm also not stupid. I should have known... Some signs: -Sometimes when I was upset, he'd be a bit cold. Not often, but enough. -He never referred to me as his Girlfriend, always his 'friend'. -He didn't like a lot of PDA, but he seemed to meet a bit of a compromise with me. -On Facebook, we never changed our relationship status because he didn't want to. -HE NEVER TOLD ME THAT HE LOVED ME. He hinted that he did right after we'd first met, but I told him to wait with those words, because it was too soon. And then I never heard them at all. -He was lazy. When we were together, sometimes he'd prefer to spend ages on the internet or playing video games instead of spend time with me. I love to do both those things too, but not for 3 hours a night when we the time we had together was so precious as it was. -I always told him that I'd rather be hurt by the truth than by a lie. I never EVER interrogated, but just in general. He would choose to say nothing at all. The silence just made me want to scream sometimes. So...in Oct 2009, I flew back to Australia. We decided to keep the relationship going. Once I got back home, things were normal for a while. We swapped Christmas presents, Skyped every so often, spoke whenever we could on the phone (usually about every 5 days, for about an hour and a half at a time). He was so lazy with communicating, so I made all the phonecalls. He would be so lazy that he couldn't even get a grasp on the time difference, let alone working out a time to call me. If he really wanted the relationship, he would have made an effort to remember all that, yes? Just another sign I missed, I guess. I was always a determined person. I'm ambitious and driven and I guess he's been stuck in a rut for 10 years and his life is going no where. I had always told him my plans of starting a school, buying a house, being a photographer, etc. He always knew they were my plans, and that I would be doing them in Australia. When I got home, I started talking about my actual game plan to achieve these goals. He was genuinely thrilled for me. I asked him when he was going to come and visit me. He never told me any plans. Just empty promises. He never had intentions of coming to visit me, I know that now. Also, his mother turned him off coming out here. He's a mumma's boy. BAD news at age 40 (he's now 41). In February this year, I started talking to my Mum and telling her that I was tired of his flakiness and that I was thinking of ending it. By the end of Feb, I could feel he was becoming a bit distant. March 12th was my 26th birthday. He called me, serenaded me over the phone, everything was wonderful, back to normal. When we got off the phone, I spent the rest of the day in tears. Somewhere, somehow, I think I knew that was the beginning of the end. We had 3 more phone conversations after that. Every phone call after my birthday was strained. No more 'hey sweetie', or kisses over the phone, or anything like that. I was helping him plan his trip to Iceland for spring break, teaching him how to book hostels, use his new camera, write a packing list. I did those things for him because he's lazy and disorganised and I loved him and wanted to help him out (and I'm a pro at planning ). We still spoke on a friends level, nothing wrong there. But he was my boyfriend...I knew something was up. He went to Iceland for spring break, barely spoke to me while he was there, didnt' reply to any of my FB messages or anything. He got back on the 7th April, and arranged a phone call with me. Wow, I thought...he's actually arranging a call! maybe I taught him a thing or two about being organised! He called to break up with me. Like I told you, he's terrible at communicating. He called me, to break MY heart, and yet, I was the one doing all the talking. He told me that 'he hadn't been feeling it for the last couple of weeks, and didn't want to mislead me anymore'. A voice SCREAMED in my head 'There's someone else!' but another voice said 'don't say it'. So I stayed silent. I did not get angry, I kept as calm as I could. I did not let him hear me cry. He told me that he didn't feel that he was the right man for me. I asked him if I had done something wrong. He told me no, and that he didn't wish me any 'ill will'. He's so bad at communicating, that I actually had to ASK him if he wanted to end it. He couldn't just come out and tell me. What a coward. I told him that I was going to miss him, that I was remembering the good times, and that I had to hang up, because I couldn't bear to listen to silence where there used to be laughter. Then I said goodbye and hung up. That phone call lasted 17 minutes - 16 of those minutes were complete silence. Unbearable. So that was on the 7th April. Since then, I couldn't eat for days. I have dropped 7 kilos (14 pounds). I had to know the truth. I stayed off Facebook for a month, because I couldn't handle it. We were still FB friends. I dont' know why he didn't delete me, to be honest. 2 weeks ago, I looked at his FB wall. He was listed as 'In a relationship'. I clicked on her picture. And I knew who she was. He used to talk about her sometimes. Since September 09. And they had been friends before that. part of me felt like I died, because the fact that he had made his relationship public with her and never wanted to with me was like a stab in the heart. And the fact that she'd written 'I love you' repeatedly on his wall made me want to vomit in my own mouth! I wondered if he was saying it back to her, when he never said it to me. But above all else, believe it or not, I was glad to know the truth. He had been cheating on me with her for long before he ended it with me, and now I knew the truth. The truth really does set you free. Doesn't stop it from hurting though. I deleted him off Facebook a week ago. I'll never get an apology, or an explanation, or ever hear from him again. I really do believe that Karma is the strongest force in this world, even stronger than love. I'm praying I get to see some of that Karma before I stop caring. He's returning to the summer camp we were both at last year, and I am not. His new girlfriend will not be there either, she's not part of that scene. He has to deal with the questions from our 200 mutual friends, he has to deal with memories of the two of us in every square inch of that place, he has to deal with what he did to me. He'll never feel guilty about it. I'm still not sure why he choked up over the phone while breaking up with me, coz it sure as hell wasn't because he felt for me. I don't think. Maybe he did...but I can't think about that. I need him to be an enemy to move on. I need to hate him so I can move on. Because if I love him a minute longer, I'm not going to survive. And at the same time, I know he wasn't going to be forever but I still feel very betrayed and hurt. He taught me how to love again after so long, and I hope this doesn't affect my future relationships, especially when I find 'the one'. Sorry, this is ridiculously long. Has anyone gone through this? Can any of you shed some light about the healing process? Thanks )
Spiritofnow Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 (edited) your story has sucked me in..... I have so many things that I want to say, but I need to organise my thoughts. I guess, I would want to start off by saying what a great communicator you are -- there is a real sense of self in your post and your thoughts are easy to read. Hate; that is the word that made me want to respond the most, because I believe that that emotion causes so much harm, and you have already suffered at the hands of another, and it seems wrong for you to cause yourself to suffer further. Life can be painful and it can seem cruel at times, but you are right about the truth setting you free. Hate does not set us free, which I am sure you realise ; ) You need time to take in all that has happened. You need time to understand that this mans behaviour was about who he chooses to be in the world and not a direct hit on you. He betrayed himself as much as he betrayed you ( I am not religious person, I guess if I were to pin it down I am an ethical humanist - people matter to me) I know it's hard to separate his behaviour from who you are, but they are separate. He chose based on his own moral and ethical code, which he developed long before he met you - you have just been affected by who he chooses to be - does that make sense? I guess, I am saying that his behaviour isn't as a result of you somehow being unlovable, or unworthy. You just met someone who was meant to be temporary in your life. Don't let this experience make you afraid of love, because love doesn't feel like that - love isn't so disruptive that it makes you question whether you are the problem. Love can be about growth, self-development, learning to accept another persons opinion/perception, love is about loyalty and love is about respect and honour. I think that as we learn to love ourselves completely from the inside we in-turn learn to love others with less conditions, and most importantly with more truth. You had a taste of truth in terms of how this guy chooses to conduct himself, and so you could perhaps be thankful that you learned that sooner rather than later. Sure you may feel a little foolish for allowing yourself to have the feelings you had for him after finding out he had betrayed you, but hold on to that magnificent gift you have of being able to hear yourself - that innate voice that guides us--that voice that told you he wasn't really the one. He was a practise run, and now when you are ready to explore who you are in a relationship listen to yourself again, because you have all your own answers if you choose to listen to them. When you are ready use this experience to learn the most positive things about yourself, and be proud that you did not choose to attempt to love someone from an unhealthy perspective. Keep all the positive feelings you experienced in your heart, because they were real and they did count, and then take them into your next relationsip whether it be platonic or intimate. And, cry, and scream, and feel angry and then move on.... You are entitled to feel angry just find a productive way ( like the post) to release it until you are done. Good luck, beautiful little spirit. Edited May 20, 2010 by Spiritofnow
Author LoveTruthChaos Posted May 21, 2010 Author Posted May 21, 2010 Thank you for your insight, Spirit. It was so helpful to read your reply. Thanks for the kind comments about my communication skills - I really tried to put all my thoughts in the one place and make sense of them, and I guess it worked. You're an excellent communicator too - I understood everything you were telling me It definitely makes sense, everything you said about that his decisions were part of who he already was, and not to do with me. I guess I thought I knew him, but I never really asked many questions while we were together, so that's a lesson I've learned for next time - to ask. I always thank my intuition and what seems to be psychic ability. I learned to listen to myself long ago, and I haven't let myself down yet. For a while, I wondered if my ambition and goals in life drove him away. But I don't change my plans for anyone, and I'm better off with someone who I can grow with, not someone who's dragging along behind me! I do feel a bit foolish for still loving him...I have been writing poetry and planning a new Photography portfolio. But at the same time, I feel like I'm not quite up to my game yet with ideas and writing. I'm creating, but I know there's more - and better ideas - coming. I can feel that I'm starting to heal in layers. But there are so many layers! My mind knows that I have to let him go, but try telling that to my heart. And yet, I feel a little better every day. I think what hurts is that when he broke up with me, he barely spoke. After everything we'd gone through together, everything we were, I guess I would have liked a concluding paragraph or something. Just a little something to tell me that he at least enjoyed the time we spent together, and good luck for the future. But I'll never get that, and that's hard to grasp. He and his new girlfriend both have the same favourite band. I take solace in the fact that when they break up, he'll never be able to listen to their music again, for fear of the memories with her returning LOL. I know, it's silly, but it's kind of funny! I often feel like love was the only language that I was born to understand. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I had that with him. And yet, I still knew that there was more to it. I can't wait to eventually find true love with someone who understands me not just on the physical plane, but the spiritual one. I didn't really get the spiritual with him, and that bothered me a little. I will keep all the positivity from this experience in my heart. I have no reason not to. I don't regret anything in life. Life is just a series of lessons to be learned. And you cannot regret something that you once wanted. In fact, in some weird way I'm really glad he cheated on me. Now I know it will NEVER happen again. Thank you so much for listening
FitChick Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Listen to your intuition in the future so you don't waste so much time. He was your first so you understandably romanticize the relationship.
Deeblondie82 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 That is soo horrible! I am sorry for that, and they way he handled it. I get what you said bout saying I love you and not really meaning it but you are... I did the same thing. I told him I love him and I did but I guess it wasnt really. Kinda doesn't make any sence really lol but just that feeling of "love" But not really being the real deal. I hope the best for you!
Author LoveTruthChaos Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Thank you for the insight everyone In the days since posting this, I've begun to reach a new level of peace. I ask my angels every day to guide me, and to release me of my pain. I'm taking it day by day, I still think of him, but not as much. I'll never forget him, and I still hope that he never forgets me. I don't think he will - I'm not really like other girls I know that my one true love remains out there still, and until our paths meet, I'm content to be by myself! Thank you all again xxx
Spiritofnow Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Thank you for the insight everyone In the days since posting this, I've begun to reach a new level of peace. I ask my angels every day to guide me, and to release me of my pain. I'm taking it day by day, I still think of him, but not as much. I'll never forget him, and I still hope that he never forgets me. I don't think he will - I'm not really like other girls I know that my one true love remains out there still, and until our paths meet, I'm content to be by myself! Thank you all again xxx That's great news, LTC. Some-days will feel better than others, but the main thing is to remember that you are healing and that takes time. Of, course he won't forget about you. Just because his ethical code seems a little bit clouded doesn't mean you were not special to him in some way - as my bf always reminds me the Buddha says that even when people do not match our expectations or our own moral compass it's just because they are trying to find their own sense of happiness, and some people are just a little off with their directions. "Freedom is what we do with what is done to us." — Jean-Paul Sartre Wishing you well.
Recommended Posts