jonjon Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 This is my first post here. I will try not to make it a book I have been in an LDR for about 14 months with a girl 10 years younger that me. We've been friends for 7 years. When we got involved (I am in Illinois, she in Nevada) we managed to get over race issues, distance and decided to start a life together. She has a child I have 2. We had been planning to get married and have had a few delays but have really wanted that. Back in January we had a major issue which almost caused me to break up with her. She lied to me about talking to someone that she shouldn't have been taking to. Not an ex but someone who was after her. I believe in an LDR the only way for it to work is full disclosure, 100% availability, respect and honest communication. This was a violation. I ignored my unforgiving nature and forgave her. Due to financial issues, we haven't seen each other in a few months. But in that time I have been financially supporting her and myself. That in part has cause the reason we haven't seen each other. I make good money but supporting 2 houses even 1 partially, is expensive. ANYWAY...after months of not seeing each other, I am going there tomorrow! Yay! Right? Wrong, Last night i found out she said to someone (and I saw the proof so there is no doubt) "I am in love with you, even though I know we can't be together." I know of this other person, she and he had a fling over 3 years ago that actually caused the relationship with her childs father to end. I guess as I write this and verbalize these thoughts I can see the answer to the question i need not even ask. I guess sometimes getting it down puts things into perspective. Have I been used for money? Should I even see answers? After planning a 800 dollar trip this month and next should i cancel? Should I confront or wait...I guess i do have the need of advice...
St. Nick Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Yeah, you've been used for the money! Heck yeah, dude! Don't ever, ever financially support another woman. She's using the child as bargaining power to get you to give her money, "Oh, I'm a single mother with financial difficulties. If you'd love me, you'd support me". Anyone who comes in here and says you should try to work it out with her is lying. She is definitely using you. Definitely. Break it off with her immediately!
phineas Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Yeah. Dump her. If you can afford to support her accross state lines why isn't she just living with you? Her job can't be all that great if she needs your money. Do the math.
Author jonjon Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 There are custody issues that are preventing that for the short term. We /were/ working on that And working on a wedding. The thing i don't get is...would someone really expose me to her child and just...risk this in this type of gambit?
lostsunsets Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 You're absolutely being taken. Dump her. Stop the money. Find someone near you.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 jonjon...advice is...cut your losses and get rid of her. better yet, you don't have to tell her a thing. just cut all communications with her. Just let her wondering. I know it might be bit of a hassle, but if you can't block her calls, then change your number. A bit of an extreme pain, but wouldn't you just like to know she is sitting there flabbergasted as to why she can't get ahold of you and why you aren't contacting her? Block emails if you can or simply don't answer them. Add her address to an automatic spam deletion filter or something. dump the tart...just don't let her know you did and don't communicate a thing to her. let her just wonder and worry.
Cracker Jack Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 What everyone else said, pretty much. I feel sorry for you, though, dude. She just totally used you and disregarded you like it was nothing. You don't want that type of woman in your life.
Author jonjon Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Yeah, I am seeing what you guys are saying. I just can't believe someone would throw away 7 years of friendship. I mean true friendship not "i am waiting for us to get together" BS. and 1 1/2 years of a relationship. I guess i was fooling myself. I was a fool. Spending so much money on her. I am an idiot and too altruistic. I am like repressing my vengeful streak so bad right now. I know it isn't a good thing to be vengeful...but...its so hard to control sometimes
Cracker Jack Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I know how you feel. It hurts a ton, but it's definitely better to find this out now instead of much later. Btw, did you confront her on this yet? Or are you just going to cut all contact completely?
Author jonjon Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 I booked an 800 trip to vegas...i am still going. No way I can loose out all that money. I have some loose ends to tie up. Not stalling but i need to pull some of my funds from her access and to do it via paypal will take a couple days. she is expecting me to send her about 1000 dollars in about 15 days NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I plan on pulling out...delete/block/remove from facebook everything at once. I guess that will be a nice bit of vengeance... That is my memorial day weekend. I have my kids, think im going campin' 15 months will not be easy to forget. But, I have my kids, and maybe some new friends to commiserate here with. I've seen some posts where people lend support i will most likely need that
Dexter Morgan Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Yeah, I am seeing what you guys are saying. I just can't believe someone would throw away 7 years of friendship. I mean true friendship not "i am waiting for us to get together" BS. and 1 1/2 years of a relationship. I guess i was fooling myself. I was a fool. Spending so much money on her. I am an idiot and too altruistic. I am like repressing my vengeful streak so bad right now. I know it isn't a good thing to be vengeful...but...its so hard to control sometimes Like I said, don't answer her calls(block them if possible), her emails, texts. block or ignore all of them. DO NOT tell her you are ending anything, let her bust her ass to contact you. You don't owe her any explanations...and really, what does she care? Just cut all contact with her and dont even tell her she's been kicked to the curb. Make her waste alot of time trying to get to the bottom of it. And if she spends money to come see you in person just say, "oh, didn't I tell you? you are a cheater and I don't want anything to do with you". then shut the door on her.
Author jonjon Posted May 23, 2010 Author Posted May 23, 2010 Hey an update, I am here now, and we've spent time together. She is acting like everything is ok. She is happy and loving and wonderful. But i am not fooled nor is my resolve wavering. This is an excerpt of the conversation i found btw. I mean, i don't think its appropriate. At all 5:22 PM me: I don't hate you.. I was more or less upset when you were like.. gong back to what you wanted. We are still friends. Or at least I want to be. And I want to talk more, of course. 5:23 PM The main problem would be that I'm sorta still in love with you, I guess. So I don't know if being friends like usual would work, seeing as I would always want more. 5:24 PM And that's possibly why I've been away for a long time. 5:25 PM Chris: I understand that, you know. 5:26 PM Not the away bit, didn't know that. me: So, where do you think we should be? Yeah... I didn't want to change your mind when you went back. I wanted you to have what you wanted, even if it was something I never wanted to happen. The "me" is her. This is a convo with someone she had a relationship back a while back. He apparently chose the mother of his child over her. Further, This guy apparently might have been the reason why Heather (she) and her Ex broke up in the first place...thoughts?
jenifer1972 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Because she lived a long ways away from you, she found it very convenient to live a double life. I'd hit her so hard and fast with revenge it would take her breath away. By that I mean, YANKING the money.
Author jonjon Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 Because she lived a long ways away from you, she found it very convenient to live a double life. I'd hit her so hard and fast with revenge it would take her breath away. By that I mean, YANKING the money. You just literally sent a chill down my spine, not in a bad way. As I said above, i am a fan of vengeance. I mean reading this, this i horribly inappropriate right? I am not making a mountain out of a molehill am I?
Reality Drip Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 You became the provider and in women's psychology there was still room for a lover. Perhaps in the beginning it was emotionally-based for you two but a woman has needs. Not just physical but a need for emotional connectivity. LDR's a tough one. I've tried them myself and the temptation to stray is very strong. You're right about one thing; full disclosure and 100% honesty is absolutely key. She's hiding some heavy stuff from you and unfortunately the feeling NOW that "you can't have her" or "you're losing her" probably makes you want her more. Try to resist; it's time to move on. Don't sink yourself financially for someone that isn't investing as much loyalty and dedication to this as you.
txsilkysmoothe Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 While I absolutely believe you should end it, I'm not convinced she was deliberately using you all this time. Her message to him "I'm sorta still in love with you, I guess" isn't very definite. I don't think she knows what she wants which leads me to think she has been uncertain about her feelings for some time. Too, there are alot of people who will say they still love an ex but not as much as or in the same way as their current SO. I'm not making excuses for her, I think you should end it, but I don't think you should be kicking yourself for being used throughout the relationship because it's not obvious she was doing that.
Author jonjon Posted May 24, 2010 Author Posted May 24, 2010 While I absolutely believe you should end it, I'm not convinced she was deliberately using you all this time. Her message to him "I'm sorta still in love with you, I guess" isn't very definite. I don't think she knows what she wants which leads me to think she has been uncertain about her feelings for some time. Too, there are alot of people who will say they still love an ex but not as much as or in the same way as their current SO. I'm not making excuses for her, I think you should end it, but I don't think you should be kicking yourself for being used throughout the relationship because it's not obvious she was doing that. Really? why do u think i should end it then
samspade Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 This is my first post here. I will try not to make it a book I have been in an LDR for about 14 months with a girl 10 years younger that me. We've been friends for 7 years. When we got involved (I am in Illinois, she in Nevada) we managed to get over race issues, distance and decided to start a life together. She has a child I have 2. We had been planning to get married and have had a few delays but have really wanted that. Back in January we had a major issue which almost caused me to break up with her. She lied to me about talking to someone that she shouldn't have been taking to. Not an ex but someone who was after her. I believe in an LDR the only way for it to work is full disclosure, 100% availability, respect and honest communication. This was a violation. I ignored my unforgiving nature and forgave her. Due to financial issues, we haven't seen each other in a few months. But in that time I have been financially supporting her and myself. That in part has cause the reason we haven't seen each other. I make good money but supporting 2 houses even 1 partially, is expensive. ANYWAY...after months of not seeing each other, I am going there tomorrow! Yay! Right? Wrong, Last night i found out she said to someone (and I saw the proof so there is no doubt) "I am in love with you, even though I know we can't be together." I know of this other person, she and he had a fling over 3 years ago that actually caused the relationship with her childs father to end. I guess as I write this and verbalize these thoughts I can see the answer to the question i need not even ask. I guess sometimes getting it down puts things into perspective. Have I been used for money? Should I even see answers? After planning a 800 dollar trip this month and next should i cancel? Should I confront or wait...I guess i do have the need of advice... 1. Find a woman who lives in your area code. 2. Cut contact with this one. 3. Spend your remaining time in Vegas at strip clubs so you can have a little fun. Seriously man...show some self respect. And your only revenge is to drop her like a rock and live your life well.
txsilkysmoothe Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Really? why do u think i should end it then 1. Because she isn't 100% committed to you. 2. Because she doesn't know what she wants or how she feels about the different men in her life. 3. Because she accepted financial support from you - I think it is inappropriate for her to accept and for that matter, you to offer. 4. Because she has been dishonest about her interactions with other men. 5. Because it's long distance 6. Because she is 10 years younger My point in the previous post was that she can be uncertain about her feelings for him and for you, but it's possible that it's a recent development. My interest is that YOU not feel like you were used for all those months until or unless you can confirm that. Don't beat yourself up.
Sivok Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 I went through a very similar situation as you. I was in an across the coast LDR and she agreed to cut off contact with guys pursuing her or those she has had sexual relations with. She was also a single mother however I did not support her, I only paid travel costs. Months into the relationship, she started talking to some of these guys again and she'd be a real bitch about it when I confronted her. During my last visit, I decided to snoop on IM logs and she would talk about me to some of them too. That's when I said alright you know what, her desire for attention and her insecurity is apparently worth more to her than respecting me, so I'm done. I never regretted it since
SueBee3490 Posted May 24, 2010 Posted May 24, 2010 Jonjon - sorry for your pain. But I'm pretty much in agreement with everyone else here. I was also in a LDR with my current H (me in IL and him in KS) and all it did was cause me pain. I was too trusting when all the while he was cheating. I will look for someone closer to home next time. How I wish I would have ended it sooner.
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