Sari Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Please could anyone give me some advice/words of encouragement? My bf of nearly 5 years split up with me out of the blue last Saturday, after a day of house-hunting. He has very bad commitment issues and has done this before, he came back begging for another chance about 6 weeks later. I stupidly rang him yesterday and poured my heart out about how much I was missing him. He says he still loves me just as much as ever and doesn't know what he wants, and there is a chance of us getting back together. He likes somebody else and he told me she was also out at the pub where he was, but that he knows she can't replace me. I know he still loves me and this is painful for him too, which almost makes this worse. If he just told me that it was over and he no longer feels the same about me then at least I could move on knowing that he was not the right person for me. I really can't imagine my life with anyone else, I thought we would be married within a couple of years, we often discussed it, even on the day we split up. I'm just not coping. I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack, wake up shaking after dreaming of him, can't eat though I am forcing myself. I'm telling myself that it is over to force myself to move on, but I can't stop feeling this way. I am also having counselling. Don't know if I can go on like this.
sb129 Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Sweetie- I am really sorry for your pain. Make the decision easy for him... Anyone "torn" between two people doesn't deserve either of them. If he really loved and respected you he wouldn't do this to you. Cut him loose- it will hurt like hell to start with, but when you find someone who truly loves and respects you (and doesn't treat you like this) you will realise how wrong your last R was.
hopefulguy Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Hey Sari, i feel you. My gf of 5 years broke up with me nearly a year ago out of the blue. I felt the same exact pain as you and i know its hard. But the only advice anyone can give you at this point is to tell you it will get better. I didnt believe it at first, but it will. Now im just at the point where i miss her sometimes. Just try your best to be strong in these moments and dont make it feel like you are any less of a person without him.
BetterOffWithoutYou Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 so sorry you have to feel this way! i understand how you feel...i got left by my commitment phobe bf less than a month ago. for me, focusing on how much he hurt me, all the empty promises, all the lies, etc. is helping me move on. if he had told me he liked someone else like your situation it would make me even angrier! are you feeling only sadness right now? if so then try to focus on the things that aren't good, write down his flaws and look at the list when you get sad. that way you can get a clear look at who he REALLY is, and not what love has caused you to make him out to be. often times i believe we miss who we thought the person was! also try to write down all the things you want out of a partner that he wasn't. this way you can look and be reminded that you deserve more when you get down. all i can say is i feel your pain. i am trying my best to move on and its hard but coming along. you will feel better in time. i am SOOOOOO happy you are getting counseling! the road a head is long and hard, but once you start to focus on making yourself better, loving yourself, and becoming happy without a man you will look back and realize you are better off without him! i would start no contact right away and start moving on with you new life free of this vicious cycle of commitment phobia! this website has giving me a lot of power in my desicion to move on, hope it helps you too: http://breakups.com/commitmentphobia.html
GrayClouds Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Sari what you are going through is completely natural. When we experience a sudden loss our bodies has physical reaction that is the same as the "flight or fight response". It start flooding our brain with hormones and chemicals. It will get better. Things to try in the mean time is make sure your eating regularly, yes it hard but do, try to get out and exercise. Make your self physically tired will help your body to produce calming hormones. Try journaling are your thought, with paper and pen write all your thoughts fast and hard until you can not write any more. And go NC. I also recommend you picking up the book Journey from Abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson to give you something to focus on over the weekend. It does get easier.
Author Sari Posted May 22, 2010 Author Posted May 22, 2010 Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'm doing a bit better this evening, as long as I don't dwell too much. Sometimes the sadness becomes too much and I cry and cry, but the panic has subsided for the moment.
GrayClouds Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'm doing a bit better this evening, as long as I don't dwell too much. Sometimes the sadness becomes too much and I cry and cry, but the panic has subsided for the moment. Sari I happy you are doing better. It is healthy to let the sadness out do not be afraid of it. As you said, and it is important, just do not dwell too much. I suggest you read the following to give a bit of guidance to help you take the next step in helping you do even better: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? The important thing to remember is that you are the one that matters and what someone does is about themselves and what you do is about you. So be kind to your self and focus on prioritizing you in your life. You deserve it. .
FearandLoathing Posted May 23, 2010 Posted May 23, 2010 I'm so sorry you're going through this I've gone through something similar, and I can tell you that I understand exactly how you're feeling and that it's normal. An important thing you have to do right now is let it all out, let yourself cry and feel what is going - it's very good that you're going to counselling! Most importantly, do not forget to take care of yourself! You will feel much better if you're eating and exercising or getting out of the house. The only thing that will get you past this completely is time, and it's very frustrating but realize that this things usually don't go away over night but in time you WILL be fine and you WILL meet someone who does love you and treats you the way you should be treated. I would also advise not contacting him, it may be nice to hear his voice but in the end you are only hurting yourself more. I know this really sucks, but if he loved you he would be with you and not deciding between two people. Don't worry, everything will get better in time You will get past this!
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