be kind

[lovesick212]

I am a 44 yo married woman of 11 years. Our marriage is suffering GREATLY and we have been in counseling for over a year. I do not believe the marriage is going to work as there are SO many dynamics involved. I dont need advise on how, why, or when to end my marriage as I have that figured out already and plan to get myself independent enough in about 1-2 years time. Hopefully sooner than later. I do not see myself growing old(er) with my husband and I just cannot imagine how he can be happy either. Better yet I cant see how he can just submit to this life. I cannot.

 

Having said all that here is my dilemma. I unexpectedly rekindled a relationship with my old college sweetheart. OK...through Facebook....yup! 20 years later! He is as handsome (if not more), more mature (duh), understands my marital issues, understands ME, makes me laugh, gives me the attention I have missed in my life for so many years, sexy, lives in another state (but travels out by me 4 times year), and married. He is in a marriage just like mine. We have not discussed what his plans are with his wife, all I know is that he married her after we broke up because she got pregnant. He says he doesnt love her but he wants to be in his daughters life.

 

We have met a couple times so far and we have another meeting set up in about 6 weeks. I am trying to make myself believe that this is all temporary for me. I believe that when I am separated from my husband I will start dating again and leave this married ex of mine alone. I also rationalize that this is OK since I am planning on leaving my husband in about 1 year or so (when I get some things in order as I have 2 kids to worry about).

 

I DO NOT want to fall in love with this man again and I KNOW he does not want to fall in love with me. I also know that it is most likely that we will if we keep this up. We have been in contact with eachother for 3 months now and have recently decided that the distraction is just so incredibly hard that we need to not have contact for 1 month. This seems to make it so much harder actually. The desire to see him and hold him is so much stronger because I cannot communicate with him! Does that make any sense???

 

I tried to stop this thing from going any further by telling him that we should get our own **** together and then if our timing is right we can have fun again without the threat of hurting others (kids included!). He agreed in one breath and then asked if I will meet him in 6 weeks when he is in town. I know you will all say he is after sex and I can see why... BUT I do know that there is probably an element of that however I do know that ther is also an emotional connection as well.

 

Here is my thought....I really want to see him in 6 weeks. I am so incredibly lonely at home and I really miss this man. I am familiar with him, loved him dearly, comfortable with him, laugh all night long with him, have an absolute blast with him and lastly I feel so safe with him and taken care of. These meetings with him make me stronger for what I am about to face with my upcoming separation/divorce. They also put a "pep in my step".

 

AM I completely insane? I know what I am doing is so morally wrong

and I risk hurting so many people in my life by doing this but I just cannot stop! I am thinking about this mm everyday and I long to hold him again. I know he is struggling as well which doesnt help my situation! It makes me start to think even crazier thoughts ...like what if we end up together in the future. I know this is impossible but yet I let these thoughts enter my mind! What the heck is wrong with me???!!!??? When I try to think logically (which let me tell you is very hard when I am IN the situation) I realize that he will not move back here, leave his wife and job. AND what the heck am I thinking? Why the heck would I want to jump into a relationship so quickly after ending one I couldnt wait to get out of?

[bentnotbroken]

Don't lie to yourself. You can stop, you just don't want to. You said yourself how many people would be hurt, yet you persist, not matter the cost. You say you know it is morally wrong, what do you think you would say to God if you were standing in front of him and he asked you why you were doing this?

[TaraMaiden]

I am a 44 yo married woman of 11 years. Our marriage is suffering GREATLY and we have been in counseling for over a year. I do not believe the marriage is going to work as there are SO many dynamics involved. I dont need advise on how, why, or when to end my marriage as I have that figured out already and plan to get myself independent enough in about 1-2 years time. Hopefully sooner than later. I do not see myself growing old(er) with my husband and I just cannot imagine how he can be happy either. Better yet I cant see how he can just submit to this life. I cannot.

Ok, well...with you so far.....

 

Having said all that here is my dilemma.

 

Ah....I knew there was a 'but'...

 

. I unexpectedly rekindled a relationship with my old college sweetheart. OK...through Facebook....yup! 20 years later!

"Unexpectedly"....? What, you just opened up FB and there he was, on your home page, saying 'Hi there, remember me...?'

 

Who actually went deliberately looking for whom?

 

He is as handsome (if not more), more mature (duh), understands my marital issues, understands ME, makes me laugh, gives me the attention I have missed in my life for so many years, sexy, lives in another state (but travels out by me 4 times year), and married. He is in a marriage just like mine. We have not discussed what his plans are with his wife, all I know is that he married her after we broke up because she got pregnant. He says he doesnt love her but he wants to be in his daughters life.

And here beginneth the emotional affair.....

 

We have met a couple times so far and we have another meeting set up in about 6 weeks. I am trying to make myself believe that this is all temporary for me. I believe that when I am separated from my husband I will start dating again and leave this married ex of mine alone. I also rationalize that this is OK since I am planning on leaving my husband in about 1 year or so (when I get some things in order as I have 2 kids to worry about).

Oh yes, of course. Adultery when you're not actually divorced yet, but you eventually plan on being, doesn't count. You're right, go right ahead. The guilty can justify anything to themselves if they want to. You're making all the right noises.....

 

I DO NOT want to fall in love with this man again and I KNOW he does not want to fall in love with me.

Liar.

I also know that it is most likely that we will if we keep this up.

Which you fully intend to do.

 

We have been in contact with eachother for 3 months now and have recently decided that the distraction is just so incredibly hard that we need to not have contact for 1 month. This seems to make it so much harder actually. The desire to see him and hold him is so much stronger because I cannot communicate with him! Does that make any sense???

well of course it does. The fact that it's also completely misguided, deceitful and wrong is another factor, however.....

 

I tried to stop this thing from going any further by telling him that we should get our own **** together and then if our timing is right we can have fun again without the threat of hurting others (kids included!).

 

I believe the usual phrase in such cases is "Trying, isn't doing".

 

He agreed in one breath and then asked if I will meet him in 6 weeks when he is in town. I know you will all say he is after sex and I can see why... BUT I do know that there is probably an element of that however I do know that ther is also an emotional connection as well.

No, actually, I'm going to say that you are after sex and the element of emotional connection. It takes two to tango....

 

Here is my thought....I really want to see him in 6 weeks.

No, really. I'm shocked. you do surprise me. Wasn't expecting that. Kinda blindsided me. Who'd'a thunk it?

 

I am so incredibly lonely at home and I really miss this man. I am familiar with him, loved him dearly, comfortable with him, laugh all night long with him, have an absolute blast with him and lastly I feel so safe with him and taken care of. These meetings with him make me stronger for what I am about to face with my upcoming separation/divorce. They also put a "pep in my step".

Yes. But think of the pep in your step when your husband finds out you're spreading them for another man, and his wife comes to know he's lobbing it into another woman, and the kids, well, won't they respect you in the morning?

I'm so glad they're uppermost in your mind....Your conscience is commendable.

 

AM I completely insane? I know what I am doing is so morally wrong

and I risk hurting so many people in my life by doing this but I just cannot stop! I am thinking about this mm everyday and I long to hold him again. I know he is struggling as well which doesnt help my situation! It makes me start to think even crazier thoughts ...like what if we end up together in the future. I know this is impossible but yet I let these thoughts enter my mind! What the heck is wrong with me???!!!??? When I try to think logically (which let me tell you is very hard when I am IN the situation) I realize that he will not move back here, leave his wife and job. AND what the heck am I thinking? Why the heck would I want to jump into a relationship so quickly after ending one I couldnt wait to get out of?

 

"Be kind", huh?

Give me one good reason why we should?

You're not insane.

Not one bit.

Everything you do is a decision, and a choice to do what you're doing, because it's precisely what you want to do.

Nobody's forcing you to splay them, hurt the kids, betray your spouses or have anything more to do with this guy, until you're both free.

Nobody's holding a gun to your head and making you cheat, betray and lie to your spouses.

What you ought to do is quite different. It's the opposite.

but you don't want to do that, so, you phukk this up?

Suck it up.

Edited May 20, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[jennie-jennie]

What you are experiencing is called rekindled love. It is a love relationship from the past which ended although the participants did not want it to, ie in your case although you did break up, the true ending may have been that your MM's future wife got pregnant. The emotions involved are incredibly strong, because apparently the hormones from your youth get awakened anew by the love from your past.

 

Dr Nancy Kalish who has researched this phenomena has written an interesting blog about why non contact does not work in these cases (and most likely not in any affairs). I recommend that you read it. Just google Psychology Today: Let's Talk Again A Month From Now.

 

Apparently the NC (if it is not forever, and then Dr Kalish calls it "Cold Turkey") only serves to make the relationship and emotions even stronger.

 

I am myself in a rekindled love relationship and enjoying it :love:, although I do not expect to be anything other than the OW for a long time forward, since small children are involved.

Edited May 20, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jwi71]

I'm sorry, but why are you waiting to file for D?

Even Texas allows for alimony in some circumstances and based on what you wrote - you would qualify.

 

Have you actually spoken to a lawyer yet? Have you gotten legal advice as to what you can or cannot get in the impending D?

 

So my advice would be to speak with a lawyer and see what he/she says.

 

Instead, you will rationalize and justify the A - you've already begun that process.

So...go read all the stories here. Here's a preview...its so BAD that occasionally a "happy thread" is started - but those are typically short. Most stories are page after page of unmitigated hell, pain, loss and suffering.

 

Of course, you will meet and go from EA to PA. And the A will be great and wonderful and fun. And because your whole world will be consumed by this man and this A - it will be heaven, especially given the emotional desert you are in now. Then it blows up.

 

And you become another faceless sad and tragic story.

Let's not go that route.

 

Talk to a lawyer and I bet you can file for D next week.

Then you pursue this man openly and with integrity.

(ignoring the fact he too is married)

[jthorne]

I agree with most of what's said here, except I don't think what one doctor says should be taken as carte blanche to start an affair.

 

If you know the marriage isn't going to work, stop wasting yourH's time in marriage counseling. Get a divorce. People get them every day. Let your H take that 1-2 years to find some happiness instead of being strung along by someone who doesn't love him. At least do him that favor. In the very least, tell him you intend to start seeing this man, and let him make his own choices. YOU have to choice to not sneak around. You also have the choice to not involve yourself with a married man, but I figure that to be a foregone conclusion.

 

So... get your D or separation be open with your H.

Then keep in mind that you are not your MM's wife, so you really do not know the state of their M, no matter what he says, or how much you trust him. Only those two know the dynamics of their marriage, and if it's really in the shambles he says it is. So resign yourself to being a longterm OW, at least until your MM's child is 18. And then risk him not wanting to leave his W because he's been with her for so long, and doesn't think she can take it, or doesn't think a 50+year old (or mature) woman can start over, or thinks she'll off herself if he leaves, or whatever other excuse he comes up with. The longer they stay, the less likely they are to leave. You might also want to read this before you decide: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2800752&postcount=19

 

If this is the life you want, at least be open and honest on your part.

Good luck.

[sally4sara]

Having said all that here is my dilemma. I unexpectedly rekindled a relationship with my old college sweetheart. OK...through Facebook....yup! 20 years later! He is as handsome (if not more), more mature (duh), understands my marital issues, understands ME, makes me laugh, gives me the attention I have missed in my life for so many years, sexy, lives in another state (but travels out by me 4 times year), and married. He is in a marriage just like mine. We have not discussed what his plans are with his wife, all I know is that he married her after we broke up because she got pregnant. He says he doesnt love her but he wants to be in his daughters life.

 

We have met a couple times so far and we have another meeting set up in about 6 weeks. I am trying to make myself believe that this is all temporary for me. I believe that when I am separated from my husband I will start dating again and leave this married ex of mine alone.

 

I DO NOT want to fall in love with this man again and I KNOW he does not want to fall in love with me.

 

As jthorne says, your understanding of his relationship is only based on his words. They are standard words commonly used to alleviate any misgivings you might have about responding favorably to his advances. I get that your own marriage sucks, so it makes it easier for you to believe him, but it doesn't make it necessarily true.

 

And you say you intend to stop this once you are divorced? Why should his family get rocked and shaken for your temporary needs? Do you disregard his wife because you picture her being as without merit as your own spouse? Careful careful, that sounds a bit vengeful! And it is naive to think an affair will only cause his wife pain. An affair has a longer arm than that. It is his wife, his child, his extended family that will have to deal with this once you're done and free to move on. Are you comfortable knowing that?

 

Getting male attention is not difficult if you are intent on not waiting till you're divorced. So if you're going to act out, why choose someone with other people in tow to affect with this? And all for someone you don't want to love and you know doesn't want to love you. If you've told him those exact words, it is just as likely your appeal to him is he thinks you won't ever pressure him to prove his words about his marriage. It only makes it seem more likely to him that he can get away with this.

 

Ah, you are familiar with him? Its been 20 years lady! He is taking advantage of your memory. If you don't think 20 years can change someone drastically you're wrong. What you're affording him right now is the ability to re-live his youth through your fondness of the person he was 20 years ago. You are catering to his mid-life crisis. And perhaps your own.

[confusedinkansas]

What you are experiencing is called rekindled love. It is a love relationship from the past which ended although the participants did not want it to, ie in your case although you did break up, the true ending may have been that your MM's future wife got pregnant. The emotions involved are incredibly strong, because apparently the hormones from your youth get awakened anew by the love from your past.

 

Dr Nancy Kalish who has researched this phenomena has written an interesting blog about why non contact does not work in these cases (and most likely not in any affairs). I recommend that you read it. Just google Psychology Today: Let's Talk Again A Month From Now.

 

Apparently the NC (if it is not forever, and then Dr Kalish calls it "Cold Turkey") only serves to make the relationship and emotions even stronger.

 

I am myself in a rekindled love relationship and enjoying it :love:, although I do not expect to be anything other than the OW for a long time forward, since small children are involved.

 

Wow! I read this. I sure do wish that 3 years ago I'd have known all of this. It totally goes against EVERYTHING people "Teach" here in LS. It makes perfect sense to me. Cold Turkey - which is how I did mine, for the longest time only made me miss him more. It's been 3 years - so I'm fine now.

Thanks for sharing.....even though this won't help me - Hopefully it can help Lovesick.

Lovesick: I hope you figure things out. Some of the advice here is right on. If you truly are going to leave your husband, pick up the pace getting your ducks in a row & then leave. Don't drag your feet. It only makes it harder in the long run. AND....Don't leave your husband FOR this other man. You'll only set yourself up for heartache.

[jwi71]

JJ...I read the article.

 

Now, I of couse won't agree with it. But I'd like you and CiK to comment on the last lines of it...

 

"Cold Turkey, one day at a time. That works. But the person has to make a very firm decision that this is truly the end and then grieve the permanent loss. "

 

How is this any different from NC?

[jthorne]

jwi- I'm not answering for jennie, but my understanding is that NC works in two cases- One, to help achieve clarity and make a decision without another's involvement, and two, to end the relationship if that's the decision you've made. There are some that think that going NC will never provide that clarity, only make things worse (absence makes the heart grow fonder, so to speak). They think the only time NC is totally effective is when you are ready to end it for good.

 

I personally, have experienced both. I can say for myself that going NC helped me decide that I needed to end it for good. It DID provide that clarity. It was only when I broke NC to go back to wrap things up, that things got messed up. It was only when I finally put my foot down and went back to NC to end it that I got any peace.

Edited May 20, 2010 by jthorne

[jwi71]

jwi- I'm not answering for jennie, but my understanding is that NC works in two cases- One, to help achieve clarity and make a decision without another's involvement, and two, to end the relationship if that's the decision you've made. There are some that think that going NC will never provide that clarity, only make things worse (absence makes the heart grow fonder, so to speak). They think the only time NC is totally effective is when you are ready to end it for good.

 

I personally, have experienced both. I can say for myself that going NC helped me decide that I needed to end it for good. It DID provide that clarity. It was only when I broke NC to go back to wrap things up, that things got messed up. It was only when I finally put my foot down and went back to NC to end it that I got any peace.

 

Well...the link is about NC never works. That it achieves the opposite.

OK, I won't agree but I can follow her logic.

 

And then she write that last line.

 

Which makes no sense given the rest of her blog.

 

So...how is that line different from NC?

 

That's my question. Because it sounds an awful lot LIKE NC to me...making the decision to go "Cold Turkey" (NC) and never go back...

[jthorne]

Well...the link is about NC never works. That it achieves the opposite.

OK, I won't agree but I can follow her logic.

 

And then she write that last line.

 

Which makes no sense given the rest of her blog.

 

So...how is that line different from NC?

 

That's my question. Because it sounds an awful lot LIKE NC to me...making the decision to go "Cold Turkey" (NC) and never go back...

Well, I didn't buy her article either. Plus, I think she's making the wrong assumption:

NC is a middle ground. No one has decided to leave the romance, but there's a feeling that it isn't working, because there are marriages involved. It's meant to be a brief time out to catch one's breath and get one's life back.

To me, NC can be helpful in making that choice on whether you want to continue the R. She's making the assumption that the choice is already made for R to continue. So if it's going to continue anyway, what is the purpose of NC?

 

She's avoiding the fact that people have the ability to make a choice.

 

I think it's ok to post links as long as it's not selling something, so I'll post it here for convenience.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sticky-bonds/201004/lets-talk-again-month-now

Edited May 20, 2010 by jthorne

[jennie-jennie]

Well...the link is about NC never works. That it achieves the opposite.

OK, I won't agree but I can follow her logic.

 

And then she write that last line.

 

Which makes no sense given the rest of her blog.

 

So...how is that line different from NC?

 

That's my question. Because it sounds an awful lot LIKE NC to me...making the decision to go "Cold Turkey" (NC) and never go back...

 

Jwi, I too reacted when I read the blog, because on LS we use the term NC to imply any NC, whether it is Cold Turkey or not. But I actually like the term Cold Turkey, since everybody knows what it means: stop immediately, totally and forever. And this is the only kind of NC I believe in: the NC were you walk away to never look back.

 

 

I DO NOT want to fall in love with this man again and I KNOW he does not want to fall in love with me. I also know that it is most likely that we will if we keep this up. We have been in contact with eachother for 3 months now and have recently decided that the distraction is just so incredibly hard that we need to not have contact for 1 month. This seems to make it so much harder actually. The desire to see him and hold him is so much stronger because I cannot communicate with him! Does that make any sense???

 

Lovesick and her MM are contemplating NC for a month which fits perfectly in with Dr Kalish' definition of NC.

 

When my MM and I went NC last fall it was with the reservation that if his working on his marriage would not give result he would come back to me after 3 months. So there was a possibility of reconnection in the future. We had not made the decision to definitely end it forever. I certainly hadn't, since it was his wish to go NC and work on the marriage.

 

I know how I am with relationships. I KNOW when I am done. If the guy changes his mind at that point and wants me to stay, it doesn't matter, I won't go back. For me to try NC before reaching this point would be pointless.

 

So my belief is that we are pressing too hard for NC on LS. As a new poster you get overwhelmed when everybody seems to agree that NC is the only way, so then you might very well go NC prematurely, only to go back to the MM, stop posting on LS, until the next attempt at NC.

 

If we could encourage the new posters to look within themselves to determine what they want, to determine if they truly are ready to give up the extramarital relationship or not, instead of encouraging them to go NC in every case, it would probably in the long run prove more helpful to them, especially if it is like Dr Kalish says that NC is only likely to reinforce the bonds if it is premature.

 

Perhaps it is better to let the extramarital relationship run its course until either partner is ready to go Cold Turkey, the WS is ready to divorce or a Dday occurs. I know NC only served to convince MM and I that we can not do without each other.

 

Jwi, we could call it NC Cold Turkey if that sounds better to you? To put emphasis on that it should be forever, totally and immediately.

Edited May 20, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jwi71]

Jwi, I too reacted when I read the blog, because on LS we use the term NC to imply any NC, whether it is Cold Turkey or not. But I actually like the term Cold Turkey, since everybody knows what it means: stop immediately, totally and forever. And this is the only kind of NC I believe in: the NC were you walk away to never look back.

 

 

 

Lovesick and her MM are contemplating NC for a month which fits perfectly in with Dr Kalish' definition of NC.

 

When my MM and I went NC last fall it was with the reservation that if his working on his marriage would not give result he would come back to me after 3 months. So there was a possibility of reconnection in the future. We had not made the decision to definitely end it forever. I certainly hadn't, since it was his wish to go NC and work on the marriage.

 

I know how I am with relationships. I KNOW when I am done. If the guy changes his mind at that point and wants me to stay, it doesn't matter, I won't go back. For me to try NC before reaching this point would be pointless.

 

So my belief is that we are pressing too hard for NC on LS. As a new poster you get overwhelmed when everybody seems to agree that NC is the only way, so then you might very well go NC prematurely, only to go back to the MM, stop posting on LS, until the next attempt at NC.

 

If we could encourage the new posters to look within themselves to determine what they want, to determine if they truly are ready to give up the extramarital relationship or not, instead of encouraging them to go NC in every case, it would probably in the long run prove more helpful to them, especially if it is like Dr Kalish says that NC is only likely to reinforce the bonds if it is premature.

 

Perhaps it is better to let the extramarital relationship run its course until either partner is ready to go Cold Turkey, the WS is ready to divorce or a Dday occurs. I know NC only served to convince MM and I that we can not do without each other.

 

Jwi, we could call it NC Cold Turkey if that sounds better to you? To put emphasis on that it should be forever, totally and immediately.

 

I like that...I will append all my future NC request with "forever, totally and immediately".

 

Although this will do NOTHING for my popularity with new posters - new posters always seem to hate me at first, then warm up.

[jennie-jennie]

I like that...I will append all my future NC request with "forever, totally and immediately".

 

Although this will do NOTHING for my popularity with new posters - new posters always seem to hate me at first, then warm up.

 

As did I! :love:

[TaraMaiden]

I like that...I will append all my future NC request with "forever, totally and immediately".

 

Although this will do NOTHING for my popularity with new posters - new posters always seem to hate me at first, then warm up.

 

No........ I still hate you.

 

 

That was a joke....

 

I agree...you know what I'm like about NC...I call it total utter and complete.

I guess we're on the same page.

And no, really, I don't hate you at all.....

[joey66]

OK...through Facebook....yup! 20 years later!

Anybody else dislike Facebook? I hate it.

 

He is in a marriage just like mine. ... He says he doesnt love her

Are you sure about this?

 

I DO NOT want to fall in love with this man again and I KNOW he does not want to fall in love with me.

Too late!

 

... we need to not have contact for 1 month. This seems to make it so much harder actually. The desire to see him and hold him is so much stronger because I cannot communicate with him! Does that make any sense???

Yes. Yes. YES!!!

 

I know you will all say he is after sex

I won't say that. I know it's hard to believe, but there are men, even MM in EMRs, who are interested in more than sex. Really. No really.

 

I know what I am doing is so morally wrong

See my signature.

 

So...go read all the stories here. Here's a preview...its so BAD that occasionally a "happy thread" is started - but those are typically short. Most stories are page after page of unmitigated hell, pain, loss and suffering.

jwi71 - You are right about this, but there is a sample selection problem. People in happy As don't post on LS, for the most part. Those of us who are here are here because our EMRs didn't work out, so of course all out stories are filled with pain.

 

new posters always seem to hate me at first, then warm up.

Nah. I never hated you.

 

lovesick212 - I'm not trying to be hard on you. I understand how you feel. It's so fricken hard. The heart wants what it wants. But I do think that getting into an A while you are getting out of your M is problematic. (Dramatic understatement that.) Going through a D and getting involved in an A are both HUGE things. Either by itself is enough to occupy your full attention, plus some. Trying to do both at once is a recipe for disaster.

 

All that said, good luck to you. We will support you (most of us, anyway) no matter what you decide to do.

[lovesick212]

@TaraMaiden……hmmmm….ouch! Valid points but you could have been “kind” about it. I’m not cheating on you. Or is it that you have been in that situation before and got hurt? Sorry I offended you.

 

@Jennie-jennie WOW! I will be reading this later tonight. Thanks for the information!! Also thanks very much for your understanding and your empathy to me being a new poster on here. I will be reading further about this NC theory…find it very interesting actually

 

@jwi71 Waiting to file for divorce because the house. It is on the market to be sold. Once it is sold we will be downsizing to a much smaller home and more affordable so that I will not have to uproot the kids yet again and during a divorce when dad leaves. I feel that the transition for the kids will be much less difficult if we are well situated when all **** breaks loose. I have gotten legal advice. My waiting is not due to alimony or child support issues. Not worried about that. If I file now he will have to live under the same roof as me because we will not be able to afford separate housing. THAT whole scenario is NOT something I would want to be put through or put the kids through. So if the house is sold next week then YAYYYY…but in todays economy I’m not thinkin so. Also I would never expedite my divorce to be with this guy. He has and will never have anything to do with the decisions I make regarding my divorce. Thanks for your advice

 

@jthorne…Appreciate your advise. I struggled with guilt resulting in feeling like I am stringing him along. I am thinking about the long term regarding my kids. I have weighed out all the dynamics in my situation and in order for me to prepare for this divorce it may take 1 year to do so. I have been preparing for this divorce for the past year already….ALWAYS having the door open for my marriage to work, hence the counseling. The door for my marriage was closed by me Superbowl weekend due to an incident that clearly showed me that things just will not change. Up until then we focused our sessions on making the marriage work. Now the therapy focuses more on how we can open the lines of communication as we will need to be able to do this even after the divorce (ie. Kids). Not only that but he has more individual sessions at this time due to his severe depression. We meet as a couple 1x/month. So I hope that clarifies that time is not being wasted in counseling. I hope for him that he continues to go and it starts to work one day! Regarding my MM marriage. You are ABSOLUTELY right, I have NO idea what is going on in their home. He really doesn’t tell me much anyways as I don’t ask. But I do know that they have been together 20 years and I am sure there are dynamics there. Just for the record, I don’t completely trust him with regard to his marriage. You are absolutely right with regard to the possibility of him never wanting to leave her. I get it.

 

@Sally4sara…..wow…lots of very interesting interpretations. I have reread yourpost and some light bulbs have gone off. Very bright in this room now . Thanks!

 

@confused inkansas….really not dragging my feet . Please read my response to another post why I am waiting. That may shed some light on it. Would NEVER leave hubby for anyone!

 

@joey66…you are so on target. Doing 2 things at 1 time is a recipe for disaster.

 

Thanks to all the very great information to you all! I have a new face on tonight about all this and I will be making some changes in my life. I will keep ya posted!

Edited May 20, 2010 by lovesick212

[TaraMaiden]

@TaraMaiden……hmmmm….ouch! Valid points but you could have been “kind” about it. I’m not cheating on you. Or is it that you have been in that situation before and got hurt? Sorry I offended you.

No you actually didn't offend me... But I'm afraid I'm a bit of a shoot-from-the-hip merchant... a 'tell it like it is' gal.

 

But the bottom line is that you are considering committing adultery because you want to, and all the justifications concerning that, specifically, tend to look as if you're divesting yourself of the truth of the matter:

Fact: the buck stops with you, it's your responsibility to make your own choice, but to understand open-eyed, that every choice has a direct consequence. And maybe lesser, less evident, less direct ones, too. Unforeseen circumstances, come to mind here.....

 

I disapprove of calculated cheating.

let me elaborate:

Desire is a natural instinct. Fidelity is a conditioned choice.

We choose, when we marry, to make certain vows - certain promises - in front of witnesses.

It is a public pact and contract.

Whilst we all have sexual urges (and I truly do not believe humans are by nature or instinct, monogamous...and neither do I believe they should necessarily be) there is the question of moral conscience, social acceptability and self-control.

 

Things have obviously changed between you and your husband, since you married, and you have made the decision to leave the marriage, in spite of efforts to maintain the contrary.

My opinion at this point, would be to come clean with your husband, leave him in no doubt whatsoever that you consider things to be over in all but name and goods, and that you know you can find happiness elsewhere.

Tell him that you have met somebody who has ignited feelings in you. Feelings which confirm your conviction that this marriage is at an end.

Tell him nothing about this other man, nor the circumstances surrounding your connecting with him.

But admit to him that your heart is very definitely no longer in this for the distance.

 

The times I have heard things like "We couldn't help it - it just happened"...It grates on my nerves, because things don't 'just happen'.

They're thought out, considered, decided upon and enacted upon. They are actually completely deliberate, and it pays for people to be honest about this.

 

I would just urge you to be honest. With others, but chiefly, yourself.

[lovesick212]

 

 

Tell him that you have met somebody who has ignited feelings in you. Feelings which confirm your conviction that this marriage is at an end.

 

My marriage was over LONG before I "re" met my college sweetheart. I would NEVER come clean with him EVER regarding my A. However, your other advise is understood and will be considered.

 

Honestly, I feel that if I had not already KNOWN that my marriage is over I would have NEVER gotten involved with this man. When we started chatting again, I knew what was happening. I knew the reasons why I should not be talking to him again. That is why I posted on here. I know what I need to do, I just need to hear it from other people. Thanks for the bluntness TaraMaiden. I know what I need to do here. Really I do. I just know that my husband will never be privy to what I did behind his back. He would be devastated. I just wish he would put that same intense energy into our marriage.

[jwi71]

My marriage was over LONG before I "re" met my college sweetheart. I would NEVER come clean with him EVER regarding my A. However, your other advise is understood and will be considered.

 

Does your H know the M is over?

 

. I just wish he would put that same intense energy into our marriage.

 

When you told him (your H) that you wished put the same energy into your M...what did he say in response?

 

Well, maybe I should ask IF your H put this energy into your M, would you reconsider the A and your D?

[bentnotbroken]

My marriage was over LONG before I "re" met my college sweetheart. I would NEVER come clean with him EVER regarding my A. However, your other advise is understood and will be considered.

 

Honestly, I feel that if I had not already KNOWN that my marriage is over I would have NEVER gotten involved with this man. When we started chatting again, I knew what was happening. I knew the reasons why I should not be talking to him again. That is why I posted on here. I know what I need to do, I just need to hear it from other people. Thanks for the bluntness TaraMaiden. I know what I need to do here. Really I do. I just know that my husband will never be privy to what I did behind his back. He would be devastated. I just wish he would put that same intense energy into our marriage.

 

 

And thre is your basis for the affair in the first place. Not valueing anyone other "me".

[fooled once]

I am a 44 yo married woman of 11 years. Our marriage is suffering GREATLY and we have been in counseling for over a year. I do not believe the marriage is going to work as there are SO many dynamics involved. I dont need advise on how, why, or when to end my marriage as I have that figured out already and plan to get myself independent enough in about 1-2 years time. Hopefully sooner than later. I do not see myself growing old(er) with my husband and I just cannot imagine how he can be happy either. Better yet I cant see how he can just submit to this life. I cannot.

 

Having said all that here is my dilemma. I unexpectedly rekindled a relationship with my old college sweetheart. OK...through Facebook....yup! 20 years later! He is as handsome (if not more), more mature (duh), understands my marital issues, understands ME, makes me laugh, gives me the attention I have missed in my life for so many years, sexy, lives in another state (but travels out by me 4 times year), and married. He is in a marriage just like mine. We have not discussed what his plans are with his wife, all I know is that he married her after we broke up because she got pregnant. He says he doesnt love her but he wants to be in his daughters life.

 

We have met a couple times so far and we have another meeting set up in about 6 weeks. I am trying to make myself believe that this is all temporary for me. I believe that when I am separated from my husband I will start dating again and leave this married ex of mine alone. I also rationalize that this is OK since I am planning on leaving my husband in about 1 year or so (when I get some things in order as I have 2 kids to worry about).

 

I DO NOT want to fall in love with this man again and I KNOW he does not want to fall in love with me. I also know that it is most likely that we will if we keep this up. We have been in contact with eachother for 3 months now and have recently decided that the distraction is just so incredibly hard that we need to not have contact for 1 month. This seems to make it so much harder actually. The desire to see him and hold him is so much stronger because I cannot communicate with him! Does that make any sense???

 

I tried to stop this thing from going any further by telling him that we should get our own **** together and then if our timing is right we can have fun again without the threat of hurting others (kids included!). He agreed in one breath and then asked if I will meet him in 6 weeks when he is in town. I know you will all say he is after sex and I can see why... BUT I do know that there is probably an element of that however I do know that ther is also an emotional connection as well.

 

Here is my thought....I really want to see him in 6 weeks. I am so incredibly lonely at home and I really miss this man. I am familiar with him, loved him dearly, comfortable with him, laugh all night long with him, have an absolute blast with him and lastly I feel so safe with him and taken care of. These meetings with him make me stronger for what I am about to face with my upcoming separation/divorce. They also put a "pep in my step".

 

AM I completely insane? I know what I am doing is so morally wrong

and I risk hurting so many people in my life by doing this but I just cannot stop! I am thinking about this mm everyday and I long to hold him again. I know he is struggling as well which doesnt help my situation! It makes me start to think even crazier thoughts ...like what if we end up together in the future. I know this is impossible but yet I let these thoughts enter my mind! What the heck is wrong with me???!!!??? When I try to think logically (which let me tell you is very hard when I am IN the situation) I realize that he will not move back here, leave his wife and job. AND what the heck am I thinking? Why the heck would I want to jump into a relationship so quickly after ending one I couldnt wait to get out of?

 

Little confused -- this was 20 years ago he married his then pregnant girlfriend...making his daughter 19 or 20, correct? So he doesn't want to leave his "bad marriage" because he wants to be in his grown child's life??

 

Yeah... that's a load of bull he fed you.

 

As for NC -- as someone who has been "NC" with someone for over 10 years, I can guarantee you, absence has not made the heart grow fonder

 

NC is great for people who are in affairs that are dead ends. NC is great for people who truly WANT out of the affair. To play pretend with it isn't really what NC, in my mind, is. Playing games of 'ending' the affair when you really have no desire to, when you really have no problem being the other person, isn't NO CONTACT. That is a game of "I want to make him miss me and really want me". That is what kids in junior high do.

 

I still will never understand the whole "I can't get divorced because of ....". People CAN do it, they just choose not to.

[2sunny]

you are not insane - just human.

 

you may well be remembering the man you THOUGHT he COULD be. that does not mean he is the man you think he is. quite the opposite. if he's far away - he can become anything he wants to be - for you.

 

ask him if he's leaving his marriage. ask. if the answer is no - or even, not right now... then simply tell him to look you up if he ever gets a divorce and it's final. no further communication until he's divorced.

 

otherwise - you are only signing up for a TON of pain - and no one to blame but yourself.

[lovesick212]

@fooled once........Little confused -- this was 20 years ago he married his then pregnant girlfriend...making his daughter 19 or 20, correct? So he doesn't want to leave his "bad marriage" because he wants to be in his grown child's life??

 

Yeah... that's a load of bull he fed you.

 

 

LOL...yes I would agree with you had that been the case. He met his W 20 years ago (after we broke up) and she got pregnant 17 years ago and their daughter is just 16. They have been married 17 years but together 20. Sorry I was not clear. BTW I would have figured that one out...I am not that great at math but ........ lol