Approached a cute girl in Starbucks; froze up after the introduction

May 20, 2010

I don't mean to be overdramatic, but I feel like a fool/tool. Almost a year of not interacting with girls on a meaningful level since college has made me really awkward.

I was reading at Starbucks today. There were a lot of cute girls, and I wanted to talk to a few of them, but for some reason, I was afraid of having strangers overhear my attempts to chat up girls and what they would think if I got shot down.

Then it got quiet. I went to refill my drink and then went to the little side-bar where the straws and sugar packets and milk are. There was this cute, short girl with long black hair, a khaki skirt and knee-high light-brown leather boots with stiletto heels. There was no one around, so I thought this was my chance.

I just casually said, from the side, "Killer boots." She just looked at me and said, "hmm? What?"

I said "I said those are some killer boots." She was like, "Oh thank you."

And I said, "Yeah, I got a leather jacket that's that exact same color and texture. I've been looking for shoes to match them, but we guys don't have the selection of shoes you girls have."

That line was something I've had in my head for a while. It's something that I thought would be really clever when said aloud, but she only gave a weak laugh for it. I then told her my name, and then she said hers. I asked her, "How's your day going?"

She said, "It's going good." I asked her, "Enjoying the weather? Trying to get some sun before the rain comes again?"

She just said "Yeah." She seemed friendly, but at the same time, not entirely enthusiastic about talking to me. I just replied, "Yeah, I'm just studying at that table over there... Just getting my learn on." She just nodded and said "cool."

I don't know why that came out of my mouth. I felt so awkward for having said it afterwards; I felt like Paul Rudd in "I Love You Man" after he calls Jason Segel for the first time.

I then realized that we had been silent for like a couple of seconds. Then I just panicked and then said "Well, have a good night," but then I realized it was day and said "I mean, have a good day." She said "You too," waved and walked away.

I then just felt really embarrassed afterward. I was discouraged from even just wanting to talk to any girls after that. A year or two ago, I never would have imagined that talking to girls "in the real world" would be so hard, or that I'd become so flustered and awkward when talking to one for the first time.

What can I do? What could I have done different with this one to make some chemistry?

Edited May 20, 2010 by Don'tWannabeAWannabe

May 20, 2010

DW,

You did well. That situation was inherently hard. You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Sure a few tweaks and you might have connected. You will get her next time.

I don't mean to be overdramatic, but I feel like a fool/tool. Almost a year of not interacting with girls on a meaningful level since college has made me really awkward.

I was reading at Starbucks today. There were a lot of cute girls, and I wanted to talk to a few of them, but for some reason, I was afraid of having strangers overhear my attempts to chat up girls and what they would think if I got shot down.

Then it got quiet. I went to refill my drink and then went to the little side-bar where the straws and sugar packets and milk are. There was this cute, short girl with long black hair, a khaki skirt and knee-high light-brown leather boots with stiletto heels. There was no one around, so I thought this was my chance.

I just casually said, from the side, "Killer boots." She just looked at me and said, "hmm? What?"

I said "I said those are some killer boots." She was like, "Oh thank you."

And I said, "Yeah, I got a leather jacket that's that exact same color and texture. I've been looking for shoes to match them, but we guys don't have the selection of shoes you girls have."

That line was something I've had in my head for a while. It's something that I thought would be really clever when said aloud, but she only gave a weak laugh for it. I then told her my name, and then she said hers. I asked her, "How's your day going?"

She said, "It's going good." I asked her, "Enjoying the weather? Trying to get some sun before the rain comes again?"

She just said "Yeah." She seemed friendly, but at the same time, not entirely enthusiastic about talking to me. I just replied, "Yeah, I'm just studying at that table over there... Just getting my learn on." She just nodded and said "cool."

I don't know why that came out of my mouth. I felt so awkward for having said it afterwards; I felt like Paul Rudd in "I Love You Man" after he calls Jason Segel for the first time.

I then realized that we had been silent for like a couple of seconds. Then I just panicked and then said "Well, have a good night," but then I realized it was day and said "I mean, have a good day." She said "You too," waved and walked away.

I then just felt really embarrassed afterward. I was discouraged from even just wanting to talk to any girls after that. A year or two ago, I never would have imagined that talking to girls "in the real world" would be so hard, or that I'd become so flustered and awkward when talking to one for the first time.

What can I do? What could I have done different with this one to make some chemistry?

May 20, 2010

To me, you actually did something worthwhile in that approach. Don't feel too down. At least you were man enough to spark a convo with her.

May 20, 2010

I give you props man. I would simply smiled, but not said ****. haha

If it was simply nervousness you were having, try to convince yourself that you flat out don't care, that you've got nothing to lose. Like say to yourself "I'm a really nice guy, and if she doesn't like me, whatever, its her loss." You'll be surprised how it works wonders.

Edited May 20, 2010 by xRJ85x

May 20, 2010

Does anybody have any advice at all for things I could have said or done differently?

May 20, 2010

Does anybody have any advice at all for things I could have said or done differently?

I think you did just fine. Sometimes she's just not interested, has a boy friend etc. who knows?

May 20, 2010

Been more forward... From her perspective there was a 50/50 chance you were gay.

May 20, 2010

And I said, "Yeah, I got a leather jacket that's that exact same color and texture. I've been looking for shoes to match them, but we guys don't have the selection of shoes you girls have."

(((shakes head)))

I admire that you made the approach, because that's hard to do!

But I think you went a little too far explaining. When you start to talk about matching things, girls will assume... gay:p

Next time, just say "nice boots"...then offer to buy her coffee.

As I said- you had some balls, that's good.

May 20, 2010

Been more forward...

As in... ... ...?

May 20, 2010

As in... ... ...?

As In letting her know that you are interested in HER and are only using the boots as an ice breaker.

May 20, 2010

Just pretend like its an old friend, just wear a smile be happy. You did a lot better then those wall flowers who sit there and stares at the girl and then makes and excuse to get out of there. Just keep it up, and instead of going for the girl go for the friendship and if she wants more you will feel it.

I always was scared of the approach and I just kept practicing and practicing till I got it down. I noticed I did best when I just talked to them about random things and ask a couple of questions. I also noticed that if you bring up a story in your life that involves a relationship liiiike "my best friends girlfriend is this way.....blahblah blah....I think its this way but what do you think?" (note girls read a bunch of magazines about relationships) so usually they will get involved and you can go from there.

But awesome job man keep up the great work and in no time you will be good.

(if your a shy person practice just chatting it up with random people it helps out a lot. just ask simple questions "weird weather we are having today." "did you see that news report on the volcano?" just random stuff)

May 20, 2010

I think you did just fine. You opened up with a compliment (lord knows how us women love them) and I wouldn't be embarrassed you had the guts to say something, so many people wouldn't. (i.e. me).

Focus on what you did right-you saw the opportunity, tried to spark a conversation with her, it didn't work out but that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. not every person is going to be interested, and at least you were man enough to put yourself out there. I agree with the poster who said you did explain the compliment too much, you should have just said killer boots and left it at that.

For advice for the future? Be aware of a person's responses to you, you mentioned her weak laugh, which signifies that she's uneasy around you, which is probably time to be quiet and walk away with pride intact. You need to be mindful of reactions to gauge whether or not to continue, so you don't walk away feeling like you do. Just for future reference.

Kudos to you for being brave, and you said nothing wrong. I like the 'just getting my learn on' heh it's cute and funny. If she didn't, meh, so what? No big deal.

May 20, 2010

That sounds about right. I should be doing more of this sort of thing.

Avoid stuff that makes you sound gay (not an insult, just a matter of fact if you want to get anywhere with ladies). No more stuff about fashion in the first 10 seconds of interacting with a female.

Also, I'd probably cut back on the length of the conversation by 10-20% if you're going to go with something like "Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" Especially if your approaches are still uneasy, your chances of saying something completely strange increase dramatically the longer you keep talking. The action of purchasing the coffee buys you a few extra seconds to collect your thoughts and keep the conversation going in a decent direction.

However, I'd personally advise against offering to buy anything. I'd just keep talking for about a minute or two and try to get a number out of it. I'm a firm believer in spending as little money as humanly possible on women in the earliest stages. It won't hurt you if you eventually want a serious relationship with the girl, and if there's one thing I learned for certain over the years, it's that you do NOT have to spend a single penny if all you're looking for from women is casual sex. Don't become one of the chumps that erroneously believes this.

May 20, 2010

That sounds about right. I should be doing more of this sort of thing.

Avoid stuff that makes you sound gay (not an insult, just a matter of fact if you want to get anywhere with ladies). No more stuff about fashion in the first 10 seconds of interacting with a female.

Also, I'd probably cut back on the length of the conversation by 10-20% if you're going to go with something like "Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" Especially if your approaches are still uneasy, your chances of saying something completely strange increase dramatically the longer you keep talking. The action of purchasing the coffee buys you a few extra seconds to collect your thoughts and keep the conversation going in a decent direction.

However, I'd personally advise against offering to buy anything. I'd just keep talking for about a minute or two and try to get a number out of it. I'm a firm believer in spending as little money as humanly possible on women in the earliest stages. It won't hurt you if you eventually want a serious relationship with the girl, and if there's one thing I learned for certain over the years, it's that you do NOT have to spend a single penny if all you're looking for from women is casual sex. Don't become one of the chumps that erroneously believes this.

Believe me, I am a firm believer in NOT buying anything for a girl until we've locked down.

May 20, 2010

However, I'd personally advise against offering to buy anything. I'd just keep talking for about a minute or two and try to get a number out of it. I'm a firm believer in spending as little money as humanly possible on women in the earliest stages. It won't hurt you if you eventually want a serious relationship with the girl, and if there's one thing I learned for certain over the years, it's that you do NOT have to spend a single penny if all you're looking for from women is casual sex. Don't become one of the chumps that erroneously believes this.

So 2 bucks is too much to spend in your opinion?

I'd say the opposite- 2 bucks is nothing, the money spent is worth the experience alone. If you make eye contact with a girl behind you in line and you want to get to know her- buy her a freakin' 2 dollar coffee. You don't have to be a chump and do it every time a hot girl walks by- but if it's a girl that is "post worthy"- don't be cheap, buy that coffee.

May 20, 2010

Believe me' date=' I am a firm believer in NOT buying anything for a girl until we've locked down.[/quote']

Then you will fail.

Not because you don't have the means or opportunity, but because you have that attitude.

May 20, 2010

So 2 bucks is too much to spend in your opinion?
I'd say the opposite- 2 bucks is nothing, the money spent is worth the experience alone. If you make eye contact with a girl behind you in line and you want to get to know her- buy her a freakin' 2 dollar coffee. You don't have to be a chump and do it every time a hot girl walks by- but if it's a girl that is "post worthy"- don't be cheap, buy that coffee.

Let me explain why this is a bad idea.

Ask yourself this; what if a guy did this with EVERY girl he was interested in meeting?

I had a friend who did this once, except at a bar. Instead of $2 coffees, it was $5 beers.

He saw a girl he liked, he bought her a beer; chatted for a second, found out she was there with her boyfriend. $5 gone, but no big deal, it's "only" $5.

He saw another girl he liked. He bought her a beer. She humored him with a few seconds of conversation but then wandered off with the drink to dance with her friends. Another $5 gone, but hey, no big deal, "just" $5, right?

Except he's at a total of $10 gone.

He did this all night, but none of the girls stuck, so by the end of the night, he was out $40 and no phone numbers to show for it.

That's why you don't buy anything for a girl you're just meeting.

May 20, 2010

Dudes, he encountered her at the side bar, probably daintily tapping cinnamon onto her tall, double-shot, mocha-choka-latte-ya-ya. So the last thing you want to do is say "hey, let me buy you a cup of coffee" and then two beats later, look down and notice the newly purchased cup already steaming in her hand. Talk about your awkward silence.. :laugh:

Although I do agree - the whole "I'm not going to spend any money..." policy seems like.. what is it? It lacks confidence. Like, hooray that you're willing to risk something emotionally, by making contact and "putting yourself out there", but you're not willing to risk a couple bucks? Like what's that going to destroy? That just sounds... timid, somehow. A guy with real confidence is going to march right through that situation...

May 20, 2010

Let me explain why this is a bad idea.

Ask yourself this; what if a guy did this with EVERY girl he was interested in meeting?

I had a friend who did this once, except at a bar. Instead of $2 coffees, it was $5 beers.

He saw a girl he liked, he bought her a beer; chatted for a second, found out she was there with her boyfriend. $5 gone, but no big deal, it's "only" $5.

He saw another girl he liked. He bought her a beer. She humored him with a few seconds of conversation but then wandered off with the drink to dance with her friends. Another $5 gone, but hey, no big deal, "just" $5, right?

Except he's at a total of $10 gone.

He did this all night, but none of the girls stuck, so by the end of the night, he was out $40 and no phone numbers to show for it.

That's why you don't buy anything for a girl you're just meeting.

That's called being stupid. If you think buying drinks for chicks in a bar is going to get you laid- you're mistaken. The girls will or will not sleep with you based on your looks or level of intoxication. No one knows who spent what at the end of a drunken night, so save your cash.

Save your cash for the few and far between moments where you actually have an opportunity to talk to a girl you think is cute- and you're both sober.

2 Bucks for a coffee- no big deal if you only do it once and a while. It's just a gesture. Buying drinks in a bar isn't going to get you laid- so don't do it.

May 20, 2010

He did this all night, but none of the girls stuck, so by the end of the night, he was out $40 and no phone numbers to show for it.

That's why you don't buy anything for a girl you're just meeting.

First of all, a bar and Starbucks are different situations. That's just the way life goes in a bar... (Edited to add - I see that D just made the same point...)

Your experience in Starbucks was more of a unique opportunity, one that you recognized and took the risk to dive into. Just how many girls do you figure you were likely to approach that night, there at the Starbucks? It sounds like you felt like you were doing well to approach ONE, so you should do your risk/reward tradeoff (if that's really all it comes down to for you) on the basis of ONE coffee, right here, right now, not the other 19 you would have to buy before you get near the $40 you are using as your friend's big obstacle...

Now, something I will grant is that if you truly lack confidence, and you are offering to buy it like "here's a gift from a less worthy person who hopes you will see me as more valuable because I'm giving you something..." then yes, you should just give it up and slink quietly back to your seat (and don't forget the cinnamon on you latte...)

But there's no reason you can't come off with more of an attitude "hey, I'd like to spend some time with you, how about it?"

Edited May 20, 2010 by Trimmer

May 20, 2010

So 2 bucks is too much to spend in your opinion?
I'd say the opposite- 2 bucks is nothing, the money spent is worth the experience alone. If you make eye contact with a girl behind you in line and you want to get to know her- buy her a freakin' 2 dollar coffee. You don't have to be a chump and do it every time a hot girl walks by- but if it's a girl that is "post worthy"- don't be cheap, buy that coffee.

Agreed. No one is suggesting you go all out and buy her a meal, but a coffee is hardly expensive. It's not being a chump at all, it's showing interest and being kind and a gentleman, women dig that. If you want to impress a girl, the last thing you want to come off as is cheap and tight. Even if we don't say it, we do like a guy paying for us or buying us little things because it's sweet.

There's no way I'd let a random guy buy me a drink if I wasn't remotely interested, sorry but there's not. It's totally different in a bar setting, that's the custom, men buy women drinks in the hopes of getting laid. Whereas, if you're both sober, and it's coffee, it's a different ballgame.

May 20, 2010

Agreed. No one is suggesting you go all out and buy her a meal, but a coffee is hardly expensive. It's not being a chump at all, it's showing interest and being kind and a gentleman, women dig that. If you want to impress a girl, the last thing you want to come off as is cheap and tight. Even if we don't say it, we do like a guy paying for us or buying us little things because it's sweet.

There's no way I'd let a random guy buy me a drink if I wasn't remotely interested, sorry but there's not. It's totally different in a bar setting, that's the custom, men buy women drinks in the hopes of getting laid. Whereas, if you're both sober, and it's coffee, it's a different ballgame.

Like timmer said, she ALREADY had a drink.

May 20, 2010

So 2 bucks is too much to spend in your opinion?
I'd say the opposite- 2 bucks is nothing, the money spent is worth the experience alone. If you make eye contact with a girl behind you in line and you want to get to know her- buy her a freakin' 2 dollar coffee. You don't have to be a chump and do it every time a hot girl walks by- but if it's a girl that is "post worthy"- don't be cheap, buy that coffee.

Honestly, it's a judgment call depending on the situation. I just have a general policy of not buying anything for any woman I haven't already met at least once before. I'll only spend money if I can detect a few hints of future potential, after having already interacted at least once, or if she's already a friend of mine whom I have no interest in pursuing. If it helps, I also don't expect women to spend money on me during very early stages.

I know the OP's post didn't take place in a bar, but bear with me while I explain why this is smart on a guy's part.

I know for a fact that many women will actively go out and try to tally up how many free drinks they can get from guys in a single night, without necessarily agreeing to ever see the guy again or further interact with him throughout the night. I've known women who pride themselves on their ability to do so. At the very least, it provides a major ego stroke to any woman who experiences it. When this occurs, it is a win-win situation for women, and the men inevitably lose.

This coffee situation is no different. If the OP could've gotten this girl's number without spending a penny, why would he opt otherwise? On the other hand, say he buys the coffee for the girl, but she eventually turns him down either by refusing to give a number, or by giving a number but never seeing him again. Why risk losing time AND money? Why risk losing two things when you have the option of only losing one?

It's not a matter of being cheap as much as it's a matter of being prudent. I've gotten into a relationship and managed to spend money only on the gasoline needed to get myself places (this wasn't conscious, mind you), and I've gotten FWB and other casual-type relationships without having spent a cent. A guy does not need to expend anything beyond his personality and charm.

May 20, 2010

So 2 bucks is too much to spend in your opinion?
I'd say the opposite- 2 bucks is nothing, the money spent is worth the experience alone. If you make eye contact with a girl behind you in line and you want to get to know her- buy her a freakin' 2 dollar coffee. You don't have to be a chump and do it every time a hot girl walks by- but if it's a girl that is "post worthy"- don't be cheap, buy that coffee.

Buy a chick coffee to every woman he's approaching? Are you insane? What if you're the type of dude who approaches women all the time? 2 bucks is going to add up for every chick. He should not spend 2 dollars on her. What is she doing in Starbuck's in the first place if she can't buy her own coffee? Is she cheap or broke or something?

May 20, 2010

Oh. Um... when people make small talk like that it means they're trying to hit on you? And then they feel all crushed when you respond casually in kind? Oh. Sorry dudes of the world.

Maaaaaaybe she she's thinking 'I can't think of anything to say, I better flee to safety before I look dumb!' Some people find extended interactions with strangers stressful, ya know - for the sake of all the guys I constantly 'shoot down' (I guess) please don't view everything through a lens of sexual rejection.

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Approached a cute girl in Starbucks; froze up after the introduction

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