SadandConfusedWA Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I have a friend (really it's not me!) who has been dating a guy for 6 months. She is crazy about him and he has told her "I love you" and they are exclusive. However, he only sees her once a week or once every two weeks. In the mean time, he never calls and rarely initiates texts. In fact they maybe text about once a week, that's it. When she texts or e-mails him, she has to wait from few hours to TWO days for his reply. More often than not, it will be 24 hours before he returns the text. This guy is not even busy and she knows that he has his phone with him all the time. When she asked him about this he told her "Don't ever think that I don't care about you, I think about you every single day. We just have different communication styles". I do not not know what advice to give her. This is definetly bothering her but she is pretending that it's ok. Do you guys think that his statement is legit? Do you really think he could be as into her as he says and not care to touch base more often or even worse to reply to the text 24 hours later on regular basis? (he doesn't even have a job!)
legallyblonde289 Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 doesnt respond for 2 days and only sees her once a week even though he doesnt even have a job? honestly it sounds like he already has a "main gf" and she is the "side gf" if i were her id be very suspicious...
TouchedByViolet Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 A pattern of delayed responses to texts and calls is a red flag. Also, it doesn't sound like he would want to compromise and communicate more. Sounds like this guy used the "I love you" phrase to trick your friend.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 A pattern of delayed responses to texts and calls is a red flag. Also, it doesn't sound like he would want to compromise and communicate more. Sounds like this guy used the "I love you" phrase to trick your friend. Yeah, the worst part of it is that when she tells him off for not responding, he stops talking to her. And then SHE has to be the one to apologize to him so that they would continue their R. She is cosntantly telling me "but I know he loves me". And that she needs to accept that he communicates differently and that she is causing all the problems in the relationship by "speaking up" when he doesn't respond. Essentially, she thinks that *she* is the problem for wanting more and that their R is completly fine.
sagetalk Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Read what you just wrote, why is she dating this guy? He is obviously a loser, so I have two ideas: 1. She's desperate 2. Her attraction to him is mostly sexual/physical (doubt she'd ever admit this) 3. both 1 and 2 More than likely, it's 2. As you can see, none of those choices above are any good. It's horrible to be desperate and it's even worse to want someone sexually more than you want them as a person and who they are. The way he is acting is a routine and it's a darn good one. It creates sexual tension, frustration, desire, passion, and makes that girl think about you all the time. He has successfully eliminated the dreaded friendzone and he's loving every minute of it. She wouldn't friendzone this guy in any scenario. She'd either slap him or make out with him. The key question for me is, is she having sex with him? If she is, then this guy is just playing her and he's good at it. If she's not sexual with him, then maybe this is just who he is. She needs to either take him for who he is or dump him. Trying to change men is one of the lamest things women do in dating. When a girl goes after a guy that acts like this, she knows what she's getting into. So get into it, or get out.
2sunny Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 he has shown her by his actions and his words that he is consistent. consistently MIA. SHE either accepts this or she leaves. he will not change. he has been honest - their communication styles are polar opposites. if she doesn't like the way it looks she should find someone more suitable to fit her needs.
spookie Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 in general, i dont think so, tho personally, a relationship wherein i only saw the guy once every two weeks wouldnt work for me. in this particular situation, i think its obvious that the guy is a loser. whats wrong with your friend for putting up with this sith?
make me believe Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Noooooo way! They've been dating for six months and he "loves" her, but he's ok with only seeing her every couple of weeks and regularly goes for DAYS without talking to her?? I agree with legallyblonde, he probably already has a real girlfriend and is just seeing her on the side. Your friend sounds really desperate and would probably settle for any guy willing to give her the time of day. =/
impz Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Noooooo way! They've been dating for six months and he "loves" her, but he's ok with only seeing her every couple of weeks and regularly goes for DAYS without talking to her?? I agree with legallyblonde, he probably already has a real girlfriend and is just seeing her on the side. Your friend sounds really desperate and would probably settle for any guy willing to give her the time of day. =/ Sadly, I really agree with this response. TS, your friend really needs to appreciate herself a bit more, and stop throwing herself at this man who is unemployed and has no time to respond to this woman after so long. He's clearly not that much into her. I am not saying that he needs to message her every hour (that will be needy and annoying) but this is just a huge red flag.
phineas Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Guys want sex. A guy with no job has plenty of time for sex. So, why isn't he using all that free time to have sex with OP's friend? It's apparent she'd give it to him whenever he wants. He's getting it from someone else. I agree with everyone else she's a side piece. Unless he lives an hr away & doesn't have a car people that "love" other people don't limit contact like this voluntarily.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 I know. I just can't imagine someone who is in love waiting 24 hours to respond to a text message on a regular basis. I don't even buy that it's a "communication style". I am sure that when this guy is REALLY into a girl, he responds much sooner. Every time I see my friend, she is telling me how it's all her fault, how she blows things out of proportion blah blah blah. I want to give her advice but it's really hard when she keeps going on about how sure she is that he loves her, how sure she is that she is his top priority, how lack of contact doesn't mean anything, how she just needs to hold on to certainity that he cares even when he ignores her etc etc. It's so easy to see when someone is deluding themselves when you are not emotionally involved.
torranceshipman Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Yeah, the worst part of it is that when she tells him off for not responding, he stops talking to her. And then SHE has to be the one to apologize to him so that they would continue their R. She is cosntantly telling me "but I know he loves me". And that she needs to accept that he communicates differently and that she is causing all the problems in the relationship by "speaking up" when he doesn't respond. Essentially, she thinks that *she* is the problem for wanting more and that their R is completly fine. To be fair, this R only works because your friend is being a doormat. If she stopped being a doormat the R would probably end, because this guy only wants to make minimum to no effort - and they probably only see each other once a week because she pushes for it. Sounds like his interest is low and he is a bit of a player. But on to the bigger issue - some unemployed guy that takes 24hrs to respond to a text message? And the attraction is, exactly...what?!
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 To be fair, this R only works because your friend is being a doormat. If she stopped being a doormat the R would probably end, because this guy only wants to make minimum to no effort - and they probably only see each other once a week because she pushes for it. Sounds like his interest is low and he is a bit of a player. But on to the bigger issue - some unemployed guy that takes 24hrs to respond to a text message? And the attraction is, exactly...what?! Exactly, she pushes for it. She makes various excuses on why he doesn't initiate contact and why it is OK for her to contact first this time. I am not sure what the attraction is, but she is a very emotional person and claims that she has a strong emotional connection to him. Other than that, she doesn't really take care of herself and her looks. She does things that are convinient like she shaves her head because she is convinced that outer beauty counts for nothing. In about 4 years that I have known her, this guy was the only one that has asked her out. Still she is a nice and kind person.
Mimolicious Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Was he like this from the beginning? Should be her first question. If he was, then nothing has changed so your friend shouldn't be impressed. If he was not, then your friend wasting her time. Most likely, he already has a side piece. Beware Bitches! I wonder what is does "love" mean to your friend and her bf.
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