Author maxrisc Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 I hope that if she doesn't completely straighten up that you won't be giving her mulitple chances. You know my view, I think you will simply be the husband of a woman who, while refraining from acting on her desires, will still desire him or another guy nonetheless. Ok, I just have to ask you this question. You are calling this guy all sorts of names...and don't get me wrong, he IS everything you are calling him, pr!ck, etc. But if he is a pr!ck, then what is your wife? You can't bestow all the negative labels on him, she is just as bad if not worse. This will be her only chance, and I hope i can prove you wrong on your view. I feel I have to put more fault on him if my marrige is gonna work out. I'm not saying that she was innocent in this but the hate I feel for him is immense...
insideguy95376 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 After 12 years of what I thought was a great marriage, I found out that my wife was texting a guy she met 4 months ago. They texted every day and went out to lunch on a few ocassions. I confronted her and we both agreed to go to marriage counseling. During counseling last month she stated that she wanted space, kept to herself and really disconnected with me. (please note we have 3 children, 10, 15, 16).. During our conversations with the counselor she stated that she has stopped all contact with him. I found a text last week that they had connected for the first time and (although did not have sex) did more than I would like to know. I confronted her that I knew. I exploded, broke the TV and told her that she needed to choose. She completely started to cry, saying she was stupid, took full responsibility and wants to make this marriage work. She tells me she loves me everyday (although sex is less frequently, said this is was the catalyst of our problems, she wanted to be made love to and not just have sex and not be used as a sex object.) I am working on this problem with her now which will take time. We went to the counselor, where she completely has done a 360, has not left my side, tells me she loves me, and has been an open book allowing me to see any texts, emails from anyone. She is being totally honest and says we will be married forever, and will take time for her to regain my trust which she is willing to rebuild. Here's my problem.. I cant get this distrust out of my head. I am obsessing over it. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get past this? I do want this marriage to work, I know it will take time, but I am losing interest in lots of things I found enjoyable, because I constantly thinking about the trust that has been broken. We are planning things together, she seems upbeat, I am depressed and now taking medication for it. She tells me that its completely over and doesnt even think about the guy.
Author maxrisc Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 I don't want to hurt you...because I am in the same position.. Are you reconciling and if so how are you dealing with it?
Author maxrisc Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 I think my biggest issue is how can I ever trust her again? Has anyone here been in this situation in the past and actually made it through???
Author maxrisc Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 Here's my problem.. I cant get this distrust out of my head. I am obsessing over it. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get past this? I do want this marriage to work, I know it will take time, but I am losing interest in lots of things I found enjoyable, because I constantly thinking about the trust that has been broken. We are planning things together, she seems upbeat, I am depressed and now taking medication for it. She tells me that its completely over and doesnt even think about the guy. I know exactly what you mean, I have no idea if this feeling will ever go away.
Author maxrisc Posted May 28, 2010 Author Posted May 28, 2010 She balked on my requested needs. I told her that I would not reconcile unless she met them. Sorry to hear that, I took your advice and made the same list and so far she has met all I have asked. I don't believe that it was definitively 100% her fault, it was her fault don't get me wrong, but I can't agree with the 100% statement in my case.
rewe4reel Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I think my biggest issue is how can I ever trust her again? Has anyone here been in this situation in the past and actually made it through??? OK back a few days ago I told you to excise her like diseased tissue and you've decided not to. You know what happens when you don't get rid of the gangrene? It spreads. You can NEVER trust her again. EVER. (That doesn't mean you can't love her.) You can't make recovery/reconciliation dependent upon your regaining the full blind trust you used to have, because you will NEVER ever have that again. You CAN'T. You might lie to yourself and say you have it, but you won't. If you want to stay married to her, rest assured, you will be staying married to a woman whom you will never be able to fully trust ever again. That's OK if you don't delude yourself about it. You can't ever fully trust her ever again, in exactly the same way that she can't ever "un-cheat" on you. No matter how much she wants to, she can't erase what she did. This will not be about your ability to trust her. It WILL be about her ability to change her behavior. She will have to become a good faithful wife. And she will also have to tolerate the consequences of her affair. Which will mean that she will never ever be fully trusted again, no matter how long the marriage lasts. Can you--and she--handle that?
rewe4reel Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Sorry to hear that, I took your advice and made the same list and so far she has met all I have asked. I don't believe that it was definitively 100% her fault, it was her fault don't get me wrong, but I can't agree with the 100% statement in my case. True reconciliation, if it is possible, must be based on cold hard reality, not wishful thinking. To the extent your perception deviates from cold hard reality, you leave yourself and your marriage all the more vulnerable. Cheating is all about fantasy, lying, and unreality. That's not what you want. The first thing you need to admit to yourself is that in fact, she WAS 100% responsible. It WAS 100% her fault. You want to maintain this false image in your mind of this woman, your wife, as not the very flawed person that she actually is. If you allow yourself to believe she is not 100% responsible for her evil conduct then you allow space for her to believe the same thing. This is about your own ego. YOUR wife couldn't be quite as bad as all those other cheating sluts--could she? She was. She is, until at least several years have passed and she has proven otherwise. She MUST be held ACCOUNTABLE in full for her actions, 100%, if there is to be any possible hope for your marriage to recover. YOU must be the one, the only one, that can hold her fully accountable. YOU have to be the enforcer. It's like the Marines: You have to completely break her down and essentially build up an entirely new personality from the ground up if you want any chance for your marriage to survive. That requires that you not give an inch, not be willing to tolerate one microgram of b*llsh*t. From her, or from yourself.
Darth Vader Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Yea, we have already done that. I wanted to burn that shirt that I found out was the OM's and when I asked her for it (it was already out in the trash) she gave me a sweater coat that he bought her plus a flyers jersey that she bought because he was from there. The jersey i had figured out on my own but the coat I would have never known about so she is trying. You realize that also means, perfume, underwear she wore, whatever makeup she wore for OM, Oh YEAH, MAN! The whole nine yards! I hope they didn't do it in your own bed or house!:sick:
Darth Vader Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 (edited) Sorry to hear that, I took your advice and made the same list and so far she has met all I have asked. I don't believe that it was definitively 100% her fault, it was her fault don't get me wrong, but I can't agree with the 100% statement in my case. I think what he means is, that your wife chose to have sex with this OM all on her own, despite what it would do to you! She knew it would hurt you if she did it and you found out, but, she chose to have sex with him anyway, that's not a mistake, it was intensional! To choose to have sex with someone outside a marriage a person has to want it! Your wife wanted to have sex outside your marriage with the OM! That's why it was 100% her fault! She allowed it to happen and she wanted it to happen! Edited May 28, 2010 by Darth Vader
jnj express Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 As to trust----that is gonna take years You are gonna wonder who she is talking to and about what, everytime she goes near a computer, and cellphone----It just goes with the territory Since she has had sex with the guy, you alos get to add in the visions. This is not gonna be easy----just take it a day at a time----If you make it good, if you don't so be it. You need to get into the WHY ---she found it necessary to cheat in the 1st place, and WHY she continued, knowing she was disrespecting everything your mge. stands for. Your beef is with your wife----I KNOW YOU HATE THE OTHER GUY, BUT---he did not have your wife in a hammerlock, and force her to continue contacting him, he did not force her to say yes, she would stop, and then go right behind your back and continue to cheat---It was your wife who KNOWINGLY did those things. It was your wife who took vows to love honor, and cherish, and till death do us part----It was your wife, who you have gone thru EVERYTHING, that a mge is, with. She is the only one you have a beef with in this situation.
Cinnamon2000 Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 Sorry to hear that, I took your advice and made the same list and so far she has met all I have asked. I don't believe that it was definitively 100% her fault, it was her fault don't get me wrong, but I can't agree with the 100% statement in my case. Did you get yourself tested for STDs?
Steadfast Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I think my biggest issue is how can I ever trust her again? Has anyone here been in this situation in the past and actually made it through??? I haven't, but the process is extremely straightforward, even if the emotions involved are not. Trust is just that; trust. There are no guarantees and there is no magic formula. For her, the challenge is to commit to you and your marriage, regain her self esteem, fight through guilt and then address the issues within herself that caused the initial problems. For you, expect your love for her to be tested. Fight through feelings of pride and expectancy. Even the most committed/dedicated will not attain perfection. The key here it would seem, lies in the basis of every happy relationship. If you're more concerned about her than yourself and she feels the same, you'll make it. The right amount of work and understanding can make your marriage stronger than it was. Do you have it? Can she do it? Self love and love for each other is critical; one giving to the other. If she falls back, you'll need to decide if you're willing to try again. This is true for everyone. Be strong, be kind, be understanding and always make the next right-
Passion4Life Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 I haven't, but the process is extremely straightforward, even if the emotions involved are not. Trust is just that; trust. There are no guarantees and there is no magic formula. For her, the challenge is to commit to you and your marriage, regain her self esteem, fight through guilt and then address the issues within herself that caused the initial problems. For you, expect your love for her to be tested. Fight through feelings of pride and expectancy. Even the most committed/dedicated will not attain perfection. The key here it would seem, lies in the basis of every happy relationship. If you're more concerned about her than yourself and she feels the same, you'll make it. The right amount of work and understanding can make your marriage stronger than it was. Do you have it? Can she do it? Self love and love for each other is critical; one giving to the other. If she falls back, you'll need to decide if you're willing to try again. This is true for everyone. Be strong, be kind, be understanding and always make the next right- excellent post Steadfast
Darth Vader Posted May 28, 2010 Posted May 28, 2010 excellent post Steadfast Another thing to point out, your wife didn't come clean on her own. She was caught! So if you didn't catch her, she'd still be riding her OM! That's something to think about! You're going to have triggers as well as visions of her willingly having sex with this OM. We don't want you to waste not one year of your life trying to get back with a cheater if she's willing to put you through HELL again! Believe me, it happens all over again more often than you think, but, the next time the cheater's more careful, and is able to cover their tracks better than the first time!
Gman95670 Posted June 2, 2010 Posted June 2, 2010 I think my biggest issue is how can I ever trust her again? Has anyone here been in this situation in the past and actually made it through??? YES!!!! I divorced, remarried and have been happy for almost 30 years!!!
Recommended Posts