maxrisc Posted May 19, 2010 Posted May 19, 2010 After a month or so of fearing my wife was having an affair I finally found out that she is. She has been talking to this guy on facebook and on the phone. They were friends in HS but they were talking everynight and she would go outside to talk to him, blaming it on her cell reception. The one night I caught her with a newly purchased web cam and she was video chatting with him. I confronted her about it and she said nothing was going on and she would never cheat on me and he wasn't even her type if she ever did. I wasn't sure at the time and really wanted to believe her. She said she would talk to him less if i wanted her to. But the last week they have talked every night and the one night she snuck out to the garage saying she was going to look for something in her car. I looked out the back window and could see her talking on her phone. When she came in i confronted her and she said that she did it cuz i get mad when i know she is talking to him. So again she said she would comprimise and only talk to him in front of me. So after all that I needed to know for sure so I installed a keylogger on her PC and after just one night i had the truth. I went to bed around 11 and by 11:30 she was chatting with him. (they had already talked on the phone a couple times befor i went to bed...) The conversation was all sexual ending with him jerking off for her on camera. All the while her saying how she wants him again and what she would like to do to him. She is even wearing one of his t-shirts to bed with me. It is a unique t-shirt and when I asked her about it a couple weeks ago she said her son must of brought it home from his cousins. We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. I know for sure the marrige is over, to me this is unforgivable, but how should I go about confronting her?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Why confront her? Wait til she leaves the house, then pack all of her stuff and have it in trash bags in the front lawn, with a note attached wishing her luck finding a new place to live along with your intentions to divorce her. She'll know why. No need to confront. I suspect you'll see some action then. Seems that if you plant your foot firmly on the behind of a cheater and kick them out swiftly and with no mercy it tends to loosen their head from their ass and they begin to see things a little more realistically. The affair doesn't look so good when they no longer have a choice in the matter.
Cinnamon2000 Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 After a month or so of fearing my wife was having an affair I finally found out that she is. She has been talking to this guy on facebook and on the phone. They were friends in HS but they were talking everynight and she would go outside to talk to him, blaming it on her cell reception. The one night I caught her with a newly purchased web cam and she was video chatting with him. I confronted her about it and she said nothing was going on and she would never cheat on me and he wasn't even her type if she ever did. I wasn't sure at the time and really wanted to believe her. She said she would talk to him less if i wanted her to. But the last week they have talked every night and the one night she snuck out to the garage saying she was going to look for something in her car. I looked out the back window and could see her talking on her phone. When she came in i confronted her and she said that she did it cuz i get mad when i know she is talking to him. So again she said she would comprimise and only talk to him in front of me. So after all that I needed to know for sure so I installed a keylogger on her PC and after just one night i had the truth. I went to bed around 11 and by 11:30 she was chatting with him. (they had already talked on the phone a couple times befor i went to bed...) The conversation was all sexual ending with him jerking off for her on camera. All the while her saying how she wants him again and what she would like to do to him. She is even wearing one of his t-shirts to bed with me. It is a unique t-shirt and when I asked her about it a couple weeks ago she said her son must of brought it home from his cousins. We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. I know for sure the marrige is over, to me this is unforgivable, but how should I go about confronting her? Expose it to everyone she respects, including her parents, children, employer, aunts, best friends, etc. Do it without warning, or else she is going to prepare them to believe that you're crazy.
lostsunsets Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 The others are right. Expose her. But first close all your bank accounts and credit cards off from her. Then kick her out. She will wake up real fast.
jnj express Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Does your wife work---If not give her the want ads and tell her she better find a job, so she can support herself. If she does work tell her she might need 2 jobs as she is about to be on her own. Look you have not been hard enuff about this----Just tell her since he is more important than you, her mge, and family, to get the H*LL out and go live with him----ask her if she thinks he will take care of her like you have----If he would do the things you have done for her as part of your vows. Change all your bank accts, into your name only, and cut off all credit cards that she has. Then tell her D. is on the table. If you wanna give her one more chance, and let her know point blank, ANY violation, of any kind about anything will be the end of this mge. As part of her boundaries, no more cellphone, no more computer AT ALL---also she is to sign a POST NUPTUAL AGREEMENT put your own terms in and tie them to her having any kind of conversation to other men FOR ANY REASON----Also put in a duress clause, having her state that she did not sign the PN under duress----that is the only way a PN can be defeated in court. Just go confront----you know she is continuing to cheat, she knows she is treating you like a doormat. Just tell her NC, Starting NOW, or get out.----By the way NC in her case NC will be sent by a letter, with you watching her write it, and you sticking it in the mail box. No other way. Become very hard and icy cold in the way you treat her, no lovey--dovey--or touchy --feely, of any kind.
Dazedme Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 (edited) I think you do need to confront for yourself, find closure. First do as lots of people has said and get the bank and money set. Have all the ducks in a row. Don't show her the copy of the chat to start with. Ask her about it first, then if (when) she lies show it. This will keep her off balance a little. Cheaters are natural liars so any thing you can do to slow their reaction time helps. Any other evidence you have do the same. Either have her bags packed and locks changed or have your own bags packed and have a place to go. Follow through with what you decide. If it's over, then end it. If you are going to work things out, set rules. First of which is admitting to every detail. You can't rebuild your marriage if she is holding back information that can turn up and wreck it again. Second is no more contact with the OM. None. Not a quick "Good Morning" email, not even a "Happy Birthday" once a year. Don't let her turn the tables and put any of the blame on you. If there was something in your relationship that needed to be fixed, it is her job to bring it to your attention to be fixed. Cheating cannot be exused this way. Edited May 20, 2010 by Dazedme spelling
sruben Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Dude, that sucks! Do you have any children together? If you know for certain that you can't forgive her and you know for certain that the marriage is over, why bother confronting her? At the most, if I were in your sitch, I would just print up the chat log or whatever evidence you have (including video if you have it), put it in front of her with the divorce paperwork and be done with it. And I'm not one to advocate divorce -- I'm just responding to what you said. And if I had evidence like you do, that is what I'd do. I'd already have the paperwork ready when presenting the evidence. remember that a divorce can be stopped at any point, too, in case you want to leave the door open for her to realize what's she's done, confess and repent, but if you do that, you need to set the bar very high for her to prove that she's changed and never going to do that again. Close the FB account, get rid of the phone if you have to. Whatever enabled the affair has to be done away with, including any "right" to privacy. Good louck and sorry you had to be here...
DadofTwoGirls Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Trust me it works..I am living proof of a scorned woman.
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Maxrisc, I agree that you should not slink back from confronting your wife with what you’ve discovered. Keep all tangible evidence you’ve collected so far, as well. I would also agree that you should do whatever is legally acceptable to protect whatever financial assets you have… and contact an attorney regarding your options ASP. Meanwhile, although I don’t know where you are located or the laws pertaining to your specific area… I would caution you about doing anything too reckless as this point until you check with an attorney or at least educate yourself on your local marital/property laws. In many cases, it is illegal to change the locks on your marital residence and deny your spouse entrance without a legal separation agreement in place. Particularly if their name is on the title/deed/lease. Just wanted to give you a little heads-up, cause the difference between what we’d like to do and what we are legally allowed to do can be two separate things. And I’d hate, hate, hate to see you shoot yourself in the foot and inadvertently give her any advantage over you later on in court. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and I’m so sorry for what you must be going through.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I confronted her about it and she said nothing was going on and she would never cheat on me and he wasn't even her type if she ever did. she is so full of s##t you can nickname her septic if she found herself miles away in a hotel with this guy, she'd bone him in a heartbeat. Don't swallow her bulls##t. I wasn't sure at the time and really wanted to believe her. She said she would talk to him less if i wanted her to. talk to him less? oh how generous she is. She shouldn't be talking to him at all...no matter what the context of their talks are from this point on. But the last week they have talked every night and the one night she snuck out to the garage saying she was going to look for something in her car. I looked out the back window and could see her talking on her phone. When she came in i confronted her and she said that she did it cuz i get mad when i know she is talking to him. So again she said she would comprimise and only talk to him in front of me. compromise? there is no compromise here. she should act like a wife or get a divorce. So after all that I needed to know for sure so I installed a keylogger on her PC and after just one night i had the truth. I went to bed around 11 and by 11:30 she was chatting with him. (they had already talked on the phone a couple times befor i went to bed...) The conversation was all sexual ending with him jerking off for her on camera. dude, I have heard all I need to hear....get rid of this tramp. There is a better life out there for you. Life with this lying cheat isn't a life at all. All the while her saying how she wants him again and what she would like to do to him. wants him "again"??? does that mean she actually met him? regardless, it doesn't matter, she would meet him if she hasn't already. get rid of her. She is even wearing one of his t-shirts to bed with me. It is a unique t-shirt and when I asked her about it a couple weeks ago she said her son must of brought it home from his cousins. We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. I know for sure the marrige is over, to me this is unforgivable, but how should I go about confronting her? You don't. You have the evidence of her worthlessness, you just contact an attorney WITHOUT her knowledge. Get a leg up in collecting evidence and whatnot. It won't give you any leg up in court with regards to marital settlement or custody(even a women as worthless as this will get her kids as long as she isn't an abuser, druggie, or she abanonded them). but she won't want her dirtly laundry aired. So she MIGHT just agree to give up some concessions. Either way, you want to build your case against her without her knowledge. copy emails, phone records, if you have any videos she has made, get them on disc. Document EVERYTHING. You are correct, this marriage is dead. Even if she stops everything and all her communications were taken away, you'd still be married to a woman that wants to get off, and cheat, with another man. That is no life.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 That means....if you are considering a reconciliation....you must demand that she stops contact completely and immediately. She also must agree to counseling. IF he agrees to reconcile, then she needs to stop all forms of electronic social communications that are shady...facebook, myspace....social forums...etc. You can't eliminate email, phone etc... but he can expect electronic socializing other than the latter 2 forms to stop completely. And he should get access to her email account. And he should NOT confront her and tell her he installed a keylogger, he needs to keep that to himself until he has decided to leave her. I still say dump the ditch pig.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 The others are right. Expose her. But first close all your bank accounts and credit cards off from her. Then kick her out. She will wake up real fast. but consult an attorney before doing any of that. he doesn't need the wench to come back on him legally.
Owl Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I think that you probably need to decide what your goal is first. Do you want to reconcile? Do you want to divorce? You already know all you need to know in order to make this choice...and the outcome of this decision will greatly determine what advice you need....because these two goals are mutually exclusive. So that's my question for you...what do you want to happen from here?
Gman95670 Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Has no one mentioned marriage counseling? I would first sit down at the kitchen table with her. The first words out of my mouth would be..."Our marriage is over." I would proceed to tell her that she is going behind my back doing things that would destroy any marriage. I would also tell her the worst part is her deception, she can no longer be trusted. Because of the lack of trust, the marriage is over. Whether they go to marriage counseling would depend on her response. If she shows any remorse right off the bat, then there may be some hope through counseling. If not, I would start the legal process.
Darth Vader Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 I would first sit down at the kitchen table with her. The first words out of my mouth would be..."Our marriage is over." I would proceed to tell her that she is going behind my back doing things that would destroy any marriage. I would also tell her the worst part is her deception, she can no longer be trusted. Because of the lack of trust, the marriage is over. Whether they go to marriage counseling would depend on her response. If she shows any remorse right off the bat, then there may be some hope through counseling. If not, I would start the legal process. This chic's already rode this OM, she even has the T-Shirt to show off to her hubby! Lose this cancer, Get a good Lawyer!
Dexter Morgan Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 Has no one mentioned marriage counseling? marriage counseling is always mentioned at this site. There are usually 2 schools of thought. one camp for reconciliation, and one camp for getting rid of a cancer. but as far as marriage counseling goes, have you read his story? She wants to carry at least "something" on with this guy. she wants an emotional affair compromise. she wants to be able to have some sort of relationship with this OM and wants her husbands approval. are you effin kidding me??? MC would be a waste of time with this "woman".
Author maxrisc Posted May 20, 2010 Author Posted May 20, 2010 Some of the background on the issue first. We live in PA and a couple months ago she said she wanted to go to State College to look at the PSU campus and have a day to herself. And, o yea, she was going to stay at a hotel because it was a long drive. (it was only an hour away) I was 100% against it but she said I always told her what to do and she was going to go anyway. She left that day around 10 am and didn't end up staying over night but still came home at 2 am. At the time she said she was just shopping that late. I couldn't prove anything yet so when she came home from work I acted like nothing was wrong but asked her again about going to State College that day. Of course she again denied it so I said ok knowing if she did anything she would say something to the OM when they chatted that night. I went to bed and when I got up this morning I checked her PC and of course she told him I asked about it. They had met that day and spent the whole day together. I got her e-mail password from the keylogger and found picutres of her flashing her breasts infront of a water fall from that day, then him in front of the same place. I had enough and called her and confronted her(after packing all my ****). She denied it up until i started reciting her chat log. She started crying and said she was sorry and all that. She didn't want me to leave and said she would kill herself if i left so I waited till she got home and we talked about it for about an hour until I finally left. I had to tell her I would be back in a couple days because she kept threating to hurt herself. She said they never had sex that day but I can't believe her after seeing the picures by the lake. I'll let you know what she said about why she did it but first what lead up to her saying this. I have had major surgery 4 times in the past 5 years. A back disc fusion, my appendix got taken out and I had 2 emergency surgeries on my intestines because of scar tissue from the appendix surgery. Anyway, I got addicted to the pain pills for about the last 2 years. I finally got clean and have been for about 4-5 months, and the past couple months had been great for us as a couple. (or so i thought) She said she did it because of that and that I had pulled away from her and she didn't think i loved her anymore. I didn't do anything really bad to get them. I never bought them off the street, or anything like that. They were prescribed to me and her and I would eat both of ours every month, I agree I probably put her thru hell with that. So is this my fault? She says her cheating and my lying about the pills are the same thing and she was good enough to forgive me for doing that so "why can't I forgive her for one mistake". I am not sure what i should do, I do love her but will never be able to forgive her for doing this. I am currently staying at my moms but will have to face it sooner than later.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 20, 2010 Posted May 20, 2010 She started crying and said she was sorry and all that. she is only sorry because now there is a threat of you leaving. Before your threat, she wanted you to allow her to have an OM on the side. She didn't want me to leave and said she would kill herself if i left all the more reason to leave. no not so she will kill herself, but she is trying to shame you into staying. bottom line, she wasn't sorry when she tried to get you to compromise on letting her have her little OM on the side. leave her. so I waited till she got home and we talked about it for about an hour until I finally left. I had to tell her I would be back in a couple days because she kept threating to hurt herself. She said they never had sex that day but I can't believe her after seeing the picures by the lake. dont you believe a word out of her lying mouth. I'll let you know what she said about why she did it it doesn't matter "why" she did it, what matters is she DID do it, and she wanted your approval to keep an OM. I have had major surgery 4 times in the past 5 years. A back disc fusion, my appendix got taken out and I had 2 emergency surgeries on my intestines because of scar tissue from the appendix surgery. Anyway, I got addicted to the pain pills for about the last 2 years. I finally got clean and have been for about 4-5 months, and the past couple months had been great for us as a couple. (or so i thought) She said she did it because of that and that I had pulled away from her and she didn't think i loved her anymore. ah, so she is blaming you. so much for in sickness and in health. so much for her standing beside you in a painful time for you. this doesn't change my opinion, all the more reason to leave if an illness makes her want to get banged by another guy. and so what? after you were ok, she still wanted the option of keeping OM on the side. I can't stress that point enough. She says her cheating and my lying about the pills are the same thing and she was good enough to forgive me for doing that so "why can't I forgive her for one mistake". lying about easing your pain with pills is NOT the same thing as cheating. not even close I am not sure what i should do, I do love her but will never be able to forgive her for doing this. I am currently staying at my moms but will have to face it sooner than later. dude, get rid of her. you can't rely on her even when you are ill...she has proven that. she is blaming you for her choice, and doesn't want to give up the OM. and she wasn't sorry until she knew you were going to leave. Just leave her, life with her is not going to be a decent life. There is a much better life out there for you.....I promise!
rewe4reel Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Remove her from your life like the scar tissue from your appendix. Excise the diseased tissue.
Cinnamon2000 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 I am not sure what i should do, I do love her but will never be able to forgive her for doing this. I am currently staying at my moms but will have to face it sooner than later. First, you need to get yourself tested for STDs and HIV. You KNOW she slept with him. Then, you need to figure out whether you want to be married to her or not. Who's this OM? Is he married? You need to expose this affair to anyone who this OM and your wife (soon to be ex) respect, and that include their parents, siblings, etc. Don't sleep with her again, at least not unitll she got a clean STD test.
seibert253 Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 Some of the background on the issue first. We live in PA and a couple months ago she said she wanted to go to State College to look at the PSU campus and have a day to herself. And, o yea, she was going to stay at a hotel because it was a long drive. (it was only an hour away) I was 100% against it but she said I always told her what to do and she was going to go anyway. She left that day around 10 am and didn't end up staying over night but still came home at 2 am. At the time she said she was just shopping that late. I couldn't prove anything yet so when she came home from work I acted like nothing was wrong but asked her again about going to State College that day. Of course she again denied it so I said ok knowing if she did anything she would say something to the OM when they chatted that night. I went to bed and when I got up this morning I checked her PC and of course she told him I asked about it. They had met that day and spent the whole day together. I got her e-mail password from the keylogger and found picutres of her flashing her breasts infront of a water fall from that day, then him in front of the same place. I had enough and called her and confronted her(after packing all my ****). She denied it up until i started reciting her chat log. She started crying and said she was sorry and all that. She didn't want me to leave and said she would kill herself if i left so I waited till she got home and we talked about it for about an hour until I finally left. I had to tell her I would be back in a couple days because she kept threating to hurt herself. She said they never had sex that day but I can't believe her after seeing the picures by the lake. I'll let you know what she said about why she did it but first what lead up to her saying this. I have had major surgery 4 times in the past 5 years. A back disc fusion, my appendix got taken out and I had 2 emergency surgeries on my intestines because of scar tissue from the appendix surgery. Anyway, I got addicted to the pain pills for about the last 2 years. I finally got clean and have been for about 4-5 months, and the past couple months had been great for us as a couple. (or so i thought) She said she did it because of that and that I had pulled away from her and she didn't think i loved her anymore. I didn't do anything really bad to get them. I never bought them off the street, or anything like that. They were prescribed to me and her and I would eat both of ours every month, I agree I probably put her thru hell with that. So is this my fault? She says her cheating and my lying about the pills are the same thing and she was good enough to forgive me for doing that so "why can't I forgive her for one mistake". I am not sure what i should do, I do love her but will never be able to forgive her for doing this. I am currently staying at my moms but will have to face it sooner than later. 1st, I would advise you go home. With you not there, it gives her unlimited access to the OM. 2nd, take your time regarding any decisions as far as your M. Your feelings will change, sometimes on a moments notice. 3rd, with you being there, and her having to face you, if her sorrow is real, which I'm not certain of, then with you home you can use it to your advantage/leverage. With you not home, her sorrow will fad, and be gone the instant she speaks with the OM. You need to go home and talk. Tell her if she has any love for you at all she will end the A, and send the OM a NC text/email, whatever. Make it clear nothing else is acceptable and if she waffles or refuses, then SHE needs to move out, and you will D her. Be firm, kind, and professional like. Try your best to show NO emotion when you talk. Good Luck and keep us posted.
turnera Posted May 21, 2010 Posted May 21, 2010 You can most definitely save your marriage - IF you want to. If so, it starts with confrontation, which you have done. Maybe she was just flirting with him and getting her rocks off by the attention. If so, she will now STOP ALL CONTACT with him. Keep monitoring. If she does NOT stop contacting him, you sit down and call HER PARENTS, HER SIBLINGS, HER BEST FRIENDS, HER PASTOR, and HIS PARENTS AND SIBLINGS. You tell them ALL that they are addicted to this affair and you need their help to end it. Just knowing that all her most important people know may be enough to end the affair. If not, go after the OM harder. Your wife NEEDS you to be the strong guy, to FIGHT to save your marriage. She'll be mad now, cos you're cutting off her supply to her 'drug,' but if she clears her head, she will thank you later. Do this for now. Tell us what happens.
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