Why can't we wish them well?

[ladydesigner]

I am having a hard time with just having feelings of good will towards my XOM. At one time I did love him, I know it. For the most part I am over the hurt. I am happy to be with my H, but why do I feel like my XOM should suffer...because i suffered? I just don't think it is fair of me to have such deep feelings of hatred for someone that I thought I loved at one time.

 

I wouldn't want him to feel this way about me if the roles were reversed.

 

Does anyone else feel this way towards their XAP?

 

I know it shouldn't matter, but I think this is the last step in my healing to let go and wish him well in life, you know...

 

I want to just let it all go...then I feel I can let this huge weight off of me for having such deep seated feelings of anger towards him.

 

I don't want to feel this anger anymore.

 

How did some of you get past the anger?

[crazycatlady]

I am having a hard time with just having feelings of good will towards my XOM. At one time I did love him, I know it. For the most part I am over the hurt. I am happy to be with my H, but why do I feel like my XOM should suffer...because i suffered? I just don't think it is fair of me to have such deep feelings of hatred for someone that I thought I loved at one time.

 

I wouldn't want him to feel this way about me if the roles were reversed.

 

Does anyone else feel this way towards their XAP?

 

I know it shouldn't matter, but I think this is the last step in my healing to let go and wish him well in life, you know...

 

I want to just let it all go...then I feel I can let this huge weight off of me for having such deep seated feelings of anger towards him.

 

I don't want to feel this anger anymore.

 

How did some of you get past the anger?

 

LD - my H and I were talking about this fairly recently. If you want, I'll share in PM with you, but I don't feel like sharing our discussion here.

 

On the anger issue....I find anger lingers most when you don't get to express the fact that you are angry and hurt. By trying to repress it, deny it, belittle that feeling, etc it lingers longer. Take a day (or two) and just....FEEL it. Write it all out, examine why you are angry. Say what you are angry about.

 

That you went through this alone. He escaped it. etc etc. Just....stream of concious write it out. Bottling up doesn't work.

 

CCL

[jthorne]

I got past the anger when I finally realized that my anger at him for stringing me along was really anger at myself for allowing myself to be strung.

 

Once I realized that you can always have a better future, but you can never have a better past, it was easier for me to let go of it.

 

There was a time that I wished xMM the best, but now I don't wish him anything at all. For me to wish him anything, I'd have to be concerned enough about his life to care. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish him ill will. I just don't wish him anything.

[jwi71]

I am having a hard time with just having feelings of good will towards my XOM. At one time I did love him, I know it. For the most part I am over the hurt. I am happy to be with my H, but why do I feel like my XOM should suffer...because i suffered? I just don't think it is fair of me to have such deep feelings of hatred for someone that I thought I loved at one time.

 

I wouldn't want him to feel this way about me if the roles were reversed.

 

Does anyone else feel this way towards their XAP?

 

I know it shouldn't matter, but I think this is the last step in my healing to let go and wish him well in life, you know...

 

I want to just let it all go...then I feel I can let this huge weight off of me for having such deep seated feelings of anger towards him.

 

I don't want to feel this anger anymore.

 

How did some of you get past the anger?

 

Sometimes anger is defined as sadness turned outward.

 

What do you think?

[ladydesigner]

LD - my H and I were talking about this fairly recently. If you want, I'll share in PM with you, but I don't feel like sharing our discussion here.

 

On the anger issue....I find anger lingers most when you don't get to express the fact that you are angry and hurt. By trying to repress it, deny it, belittle that feeling, etc it lingers longer. Take a day (or two) and just....FEEL it. Write it all out, examine why you are angry. Say what you are angry about.

 

That you went through this alone. He escaped it. etc etc. Just....stream of concious write it out. Bottling up doesn't work.

 

CCL

 

Yes thank you CCL I did go through this alone and it is bottled up. I may seek out IC for help.

 

I do try to feel it and then let it go but it always comes back for some reason.

 

 

I got past the anger when I finally realized that my anger at him for stringing me along was really anger at myself for allowing myself to be strung.

 

Once I realized that you can always have a better future, but you can never have a better past, it was easier for me to let go of it.

 

There was a time that I wished xMM the best, but now I don't wish him anything at all. For me to wish him anything, I'd have to be concerned enough about his life to care. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish him ill will. I just don't wish him anything.

 

So true Jthorne I am angry with myself for allowing myself to feel anything at all for him. I didn't know I was strung til the end but what did I expect having an A. I need to get to the point of not wishing him anything. i do think that is where I will end up as well. But that's okay too.

 

Sometimes anger is defined as sadness turned outward.

 

What do you think?

 

Guess it could be I never thought of that. Thank you.

[jj33]

LD I have felt this way I think we all have. I find that when I repeat over and over to myself that I wish him happiness (hes no longer apart of my life but i wish him well with his) that I feel better. A few years ago when it was fresher, I would cry as I thought it because I couldn believe that he was no longer a part of my life.

 

Now that he has become one big pain in the you know what... I say it to myself because I dont want to harbor negative feelings towards him (what an azzclown)

 

I highly recommend thinking over and over he is no longer apart of my life but I wish him well with his as you walk or jog or do some other exercise or walk somewhere (if you live somewhere where you walk) or while you are sitting quietly whenever you get a private moment. See how it sits with you, see what feelings come over you as you say it repeatedly.

 

The more you say it, the more you allow your feelings and they will be varied, to come out and to float past your conscious mind. You will be surprised at what comes up.

 

Alot of hte anger is anger at yourself.

 

Hang in there you will get past this and heal

[crazycatlady]

One other thing I just thought of - I personally tend to feel anger when I feel helpless/powerless about a situation.

 

Which is one of the reasons when everyone was wanting me to be angry at my H and my sister for what they did, that I didn't feel it. Because I wasn't helpless or powerless.

 

Could this also be the case? Or at least a part of the case? Since frequently emotions are not caused but just one thing.

 

However never thought about the sadness turned outward. I will have to examine that some.

 

CCL

[fooled once]

I am having a hard time with just having feelings of good will towards my XOM. At one time I did love him, I know it. For the most part I am over the hurt. I am happy to be with my H, but why do I feel like my XOM should suffer...because i suffered? I just don't think it is fair of me to have such deep feelings of hatred for someone that I thought I loved at one time.

 

I wouldn't want him to feel this way about me if the roles were reversed.

 

Does anyone else feel this way towards their XAP?

 

I know it shouldn't matter, but I think this is the last step in my healing to let go and wish him well in life, you know...

 

I want to just let it all go...then I feel I can let this huge weight off of me for having such deep seated feelings of anger towards him.

 

I don't want to feel this anger anymore.

 

How did some of you get past the anger?

 

Time. Time and perspective. Time and maturity.

 

You don't have to wish him well to heal. You also don't have to wish him unwell. You have to become apathetic; you have to just stop caring. You know what they say .... it is a fine line between love and hate.

 

((hug))

[nadiaj2727]

Hi, I don't know how long it's been or where you're at in the recovery process. For me my feelings about xOP changed with time. I don't think it will ever get to a place of feeling like, "Oh, I wish him so well..." like with a "regular" ex because we see how in the beginning it was so wrong and screwed up and we realize it really isn't what love is about, it's more about what brokenness or weakness or false hope, or something, is about, and we don't want to be in that place any more so we can't really think well of the person but hopefully we aren't spending too much time thinking bad about him either.

 

There are a lot of things xMM did to hurt me and I used to feel like a victim and hate him but eventually I got to a place where I just feel indifferent about him. I think it's because I recognized my part in it... yes, he was a jerk, but I chose to be with him, knowing almost from the beginning that he was married, that he was lying to his wife, that he was cheating... what did I expect? And I myself was no better at the time, it was just full of lies and deceit and hurt all around. So to wallow in it wouldn't ever let me move forward. I decided to start owning my part in it and then I was like, wow, he was a jerk, but I sure was stupid, and weak, and selfish, etc. As I dealt with my own actions I focused a lot less on his.

 

So I think that with time these feelings you are having about him will pass. It's just part of the process. My therapist used to tell me not to try to suppress my feelings but just to acknowledge them and realize they are there and let them be. They will pass with time. Good luck.

[Heather1]

I wished him well before NC. After 2 months, we've had just a few emails w/ me not sharing one feeling. He says he'd like to see me? He's been coming to my work again, but I make a point of not being there.

 

I think the saying goes "depression is anger turned inwards." In a lot of ways, this is what we deserve messing w/ someone involved or we're involved too. I mean, it's not like this is the right thing to do by any of us & that there shouldn't be some hurt involved. We signed up for the hurt, not really knowing what form it would come in. You don't need to wish him well, wish yourself well! Do stuff for yourself to feel confident again. My few emails back to him were, "I'm busy" emails. I packed my calendar this week w/ fun stuff!! I think his contact is just to make sure 1) I'm ok & won't go nuts & tell his wife & 2) so he can come to my work again with his friends. That's OK, I want him to for his sake but I really don't want to see him ever again. In my case, the pain outweighs the pleasure now.

[pureinheart]

Hi LD,

 

Sometimes I think I am past it, and then something will remind me of all of the mess, and then it surfaces....I agree, it does take time.

 

In the meantime, I hope you are ok...really, really big hugs to you LD

[pureinheart]

I wished him well before NC. After 2 months, we've had just a few emails w/ me not sharing one feeling. He says he'd like to see me? He's been coming to my work again, but I make a point of not being there.

 

I think the saying goes "depression is anger turned inwards." In a lot of ways, this is what we deserve messing w/ someone involved or we're involved too. I mean, it's not like this is the right thing to do by any of us & that there shouldn't be some hurt involved. We signed up for the hurt, not really knowing what form it would come in. You don't need to wish him well, wish yourself well! Do stuff for yourself to feel confident again. My few emails back to him were, "I'm busy" emails. I packed my calendar this week w/ fun stuff!! I think his contact is just to make sure 1) I'm ok & won't go nuts & tell his wife & 2) so he can come to my work again with his friends. That's OK, I want him to for his sake but I really don't want to see him ever again. In my case, the pain outweighs the pleasure now.

 

Wow Heather, you've listened to some of these people way too long...this is major condemnation...there is something called forgiveness which is rarely talked about...most want all of the OM/OW to make sure they take responsibility for their actions...personally, I don't think it's the OM/OW that have that problem...in fact the condemnation is so heavy that rising above the circumstances in nearly impossible.

 

Actually we deserve nothing good BUT, my God gave His life for all of us...so in His eyes we do deserve good and not bad...walk in forgiveness, especially of yourself

[califnan]

They say hate is the other side of love .. because they are such strong emotions, I guess?

 

As for me, I prefer indifference .. much less painful, more comfortable..

 

It may help you to know that it wasn't the OM who caused the upheaval in your life .. I believe the interruption was caused by the devil .. and using the OM..

[Fallen Angel]

You can not wish him well because anger is the minds way of coping with the pain of the loss. It is a protective measure that your mind uses in order to help you deal with the ending of the relationship.

 

If you were to experience the loss without the anger the pain would be unbearable. So you feel the anger to lessen the pain.

 

You will know that you have truly healed and moved forward when you no longer feel pain nor anger but indifference.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

*You will often hear about people "rewriting" the history of a relationship when it is over. This, too, is part of the protective capacity of the brain. If you were able to look back on the relationship and have nothing but "good and happy" thoughts about it, you would be stuck forever in a place of non-healing. Sometimes, rewriting history so that things were worse than they actually are is a good thing.

[Hazyhead]

You can not wish him well because anger is the minds way of coping with the pain of the loss. It is a protective measure that your mind uses in order to help you deal with the ending of the relationship.

 

If you were to experience the loss without the anger the pain would be unbearable. So you feel the anger to lessen the pain.

 

You will know that you have truly healed and moved forward when you no longer feel pain nor anger but indifference.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

*You will often hear about people "rewriting" the history of a relationship when it is over. This, too, is part of the protective capacity of the brain. If you were able to look back on the relationship and have nothing but "good and happy" thoughts about it, you would be stuck forever in a place of non-healing. Sometimes, rewriting history so that things were worse than they actually are is a good thing.

 

This makes a lot of sense, FA. I guess I'm still angry too, sometimes. The rest of the time I'm fine... don't think about him a fraction as much as I used to. When I do I have a few moments of hoping he's really well but then something pops into my head to make me angry again and so I just try to wipe the thoughts away.

 

I certainly don't want to wish him harm, at all, but I just need to get to the point where it doesn't matter to me.

[LostMe]

I wish I felt angry. I just feel sad. Actually no, I'm angry at myself for feeling sad. PPpptttt.

[Fallen Angel]

This makes a lot of sense, FA. I guess I'm still angry too, sometimes. The rest of the time I'm fine... don't think about him a fraction as much as I used to. When I do I have a few moments of hoping he's really well but then something pops into my head to make me angry again and so I just try to wipe the thoughts away.

 

I certainly don't want to wish him harm, at all, but I just need to get to the point where it doesn't matter to me.

 

Time and distance will eventually work their magic for you.

 

And one day you will find that you are able to wish him well, because you simply don't really care one way or the other, so wishing him well costs you nothing emotionally.

 

You move closer towards that moment everyday that you live the best life you possibly can, without him in it.

[carhill]

Does anyone else feel this way towards their XAP?

 

I had this issue the first go around, causing failures of NC multiple times during that 8 year period. The last NC stuck only through brute force and the resultant depression. The most recent iteration, years later, benefited from MC. Now I get it. Different paths. If we had been on the same path, we'd be together without all this 'stuff'. Acceptance. I'm actually happy that the situation resolved. Free

 

If things are problematical for you, try therapy.

[wheelwright]

You can not wish him well because anger is the minds way of coping with the pain of the loss. It is a protective measure that your mind uses in order to help you deal with the ending of the relationship.

 

If you were to experience the loss without the anger the pain would be unbearable. So you feel the anger to lessen the pain.

 

You will know that you have truly healed and moved forward when you no longer feel pain nor anger but indifference.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

*You will often hear about people "rewriting" the history of a relationship when it is over. This, too, is part of the protective capacity of the brain. If you were able to look back on the relationship and have nothing but "good and happy" thoughts about it, you would be stuck forever in a place of non-healing. Sometimes, rewriting history so that things were worse than they actually are is a good thing.

 

I agree with FA about coping mechanisms. It's very unfortunate that if we truly fall in love, the pain of loss is either unbearable or we need to convert it into anger, hatred etc.

 

I have been lucky recently, because in expressing my hurt I was able to come to terms with it.

 

I don't feel indifference, though a little incredulity at xMM's capacity to lie about such important things. People tell me this was always obvious. I have some respect for the memories of love and the powerful transformation that attended it for me, but in getting over xMM I cannot help but diminish those memories somewhat.

 

I don't know why one simple outburst helped me get through feelings of depression, anger, confusion etc. But it did.

 

It also helps that xMM sent the love text 3 weeks ago. And that my H defended me to him. H's anger made me see my hurt clearly, where before I was focused on the love.

 

I feel we really do need to find closure for our lingering anger, which I think is unresolved pain, or pain we cannot express or pain we do not know how to express.

 

Indifference for someone we once loved strikes me as a sad but sometimes necessary resolution. It is not one I think I am capable of. However, finding you no longer need anything from xAP but still feel nostalgia in a pain free way would be a healthy outcome. Indifference can be a kind of anger IMO. But there are situations (abuse) where it is necessary.

 

I tried writing it out, which helped something but not the pain/anger. I tried shutting it off which also didn't help. I think counselling a good suggestion.

 

I also think we need to understand the good and bad in the AP that led to the behaviour that hurt us. We have to know if we like or dislike what they did and why. We need this clarity for peace of mind, which dissolves anger. And we have to accept what they did as a reflection of the bad and good in them. Not just of the bad. They were bad = I am angry or after time indifferent. On reflection, this is the most important point for me. It's my whole philosophy to relationships.

 

I hope you get through your anger to a brighter state of mind.

[Heather1]

Pure, I didn't mean for that to come out condemning @ all! All I meant was we're already going into a situation that for sure is going to hurt a lot of people instead of just walking away from the gate.

Plus I'm on a bunch of pain meds....

[nadiaj2727]

Heather,

 

I understood what you meant and was trying to say the same thing in my own post. I think there is a difference with an affair and a regular relationship because with an affair we knew from the beginning, or, should have known if we were thinking straight, or at least know with our experience, looking back, that we could be hurt, that our chances were better of getting hurt than they are in a regular relationship. (Here I am talking about OWs who are in love and want a "regular" relationship with MM... not of OWs who like being OWs and know they want to stay OW etc.)

 

A triangle relationship is never a pretty situation. Like it or not the OW is always the third party until/unless the MM leaves the W. The W was there first. I think even people who think OW has no blame at all in the A would recognize that it's different when you enter into a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship--no matter how good, bad or indifferent that existing relationship may be--than when you just start a relationship with one person. Hopefully if we are self-aware we are walking in with our eyes wide open and know the risks and what we are getting ourselves into but for some reason we are doing it anyway, knowing the risks. (I don't think I was that self-aware when I started the A and I sure learned a lot... in the future I would definitely be self-aware... and thus not do it).

 

Entering into a relationship with anyone always involves taking a risk of getting hurt but the risk is inherently bigger when the other person is already involved with someone else. There is just no way to know whether that person is really going to leave the spouse for you and so at least looking back it's like, duh, what was I expecting. I don't know how that's condemning of OWs to say that and I totally get where you're coming from.